Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Things I intend to teach the young Yankees


1.       Always check the feet. Shoes are the giveaway to what she’s thinking. If the shoes are caked with mud, and the toes are dirty, well, she just came in from a wet field. You gotta ask yourself, what the hell was she doing in a muddy field? Be careful.  
2.       No peeing in the bushes. I don’t care how bad you have to go. I don’t care how long you’ve held it. I don’t care if the beer is coming out of your ears. Mets pee in bushes. Redsocks pee in the bushes. Yankees find a restroom.
3.       Don’t get hung up about which one is “the right fork.” The waiter will try to intimidate you by handing you several. Lift them, work them, study them – and select the fork that feels right… for you. You’re the one who’s going to use it. And don’t be one of those pansy-asses who eat pizza with a fork. Pick it up, fold it, and eat it like a man…
What am I missing? So much to tell them, so little time...

4 comments:

  1. Get yourself a good, sharp razor.

    Never put too much on your plate at the Food Action Stations. They are stationary so you don't have to be. You can always go back for more.

    Never masturbate in the bullpen. That might have been OK in the 90s, but everybody's got phones now.


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  2. your real age is nobody's business other than your own.

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  3. KD- who did Sterling learn that from?

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  4. Avoid the clap. It's good advice!

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