Mailbag Q&A on being a nasty Yankee fan

QUESTION: You seem so reasonable, wise and kind. Yet I keep hearing that Yankee fans are mean, obnoxious, piggish… ruthless, horrible, rude… awful, truly disgusting... horrible, stupid, awful people. What’s going on? Why do they say such things about Yankee fans?

They are fools. 

   That said, some Yankee fans feel they must be hard on others. We must keep up our reputation.

The fact is, some people can't be happy unless a Yankee fan breaks into their house, drinks their liquor and steals the TV. They want us to mock their shoes and not recycle. It makes them feel better about hating the Yankees.

At their wits’ ends, some of us simply throw up our hands and pretend to be insufferable, boar-headed louts.

QUESTION:  Being hurtful and obnoxious is not my style. I’m not sure I can do it. Will that keep me from becoming a Yankee fan?

No. Here are tips for dealing with Redsock or Met fans, once you recognize that they are desperate for you to fulfill their nightmare expectations.

“Small-market = small brain.” Use the phrase "small-market” as if it means "stupid." Example: "I know you’re small-market, Eddie, but I’m asking you to try and understand the big picture." Or, “Yes, John is a small-market fan, but that doesn’t make him a complete idiot!”

Accent:  Don’t talk like a native New Yorker.  If people think you’re from New York City, they’ll forgive you. What riles them is the notion that you root for the Yankees with no relationship to the city. Use a pompous British accent, with big words, preferably without meaning. Example: “Aaron Judge is absolutely scinnn-tillating!” Or, “Don’t you agree that Joe Girardi can be profoundly titular?”

Angry taxpayer: Never hesitate to complain about the millions of dollars in luxury taxes that you – that is, the Yankees – pay annually to other teams. Act as if it comes out of your pocket. Remember: You are the taxpayer, and they are the freeloaders and welfare moms.  Example: “All we want is Major League Baseball to get off our backs. These small teams, do they our tax money grows on trees?”

Appearance: Wear an eye-patch. Black. If possible, grow a beard.

The tab: After spending the entire dinner talking about all your Yankee wealth, make them grab the check.