Bastards.
I hereby speak for the entire Yankiverse via the following layered-and-nuanced-with-fact stream-of-consciousness white paper. You will not find the kind of trenchant, expert, scientific analysis anywhere else on the Internet or in the mainstream media. This morning, I am tearing off the shackles that heretofore bound this site to the dismal, overly cleaved diatribes that have been required by the police state. Today, I speak truth to power, power to truth, power to power, truth to truth, and poop to trousers. To gauge the full import of what I am about to say, imagine me yelling the following words at a Senate subcommittee...
What we need:
To win. Tonight.
We need to clinch this home field thingy, dammit, and we need to water our everyday horses tomorrow and Sunday, and we need to force into using the devil's disciple, Stephen Wright, which used to be the name of a funny comic.
We need to see the knuckleball, and we need to adjust our swings when a knuckleballer comes in. We need to knock around a few of their middle innings relievers, and we cannot allow them to hide Wright until the playoff series - assuming we make it - because he is a bastard.
What we do not need:
A tie with Oakland going into the 162nd game of the season.
When the season began, the punch line to half of the jokes on this eminent blog was something like "we'll be fighting for home field advantage in the one-game Wild Card game."
ReplyDeleteIt's clear the last laugh is on us. I'm grateful to have not supported Cash and Hal's bad behavior with my pocketbook this year. I had really wanted to go to a game or two - gone are the days when I eagerly re-upped my partial season package every winter - but I did not sully Yankee Stadium V2.0 with my unwashed ass once. I did not buy one potato knish from a vendor up there and I certainly did not buy any new caps. Well, I may have gotten a duck hunting camo Yankee hat on Amazon at some point, but that's only because I needed to give money to Jeff Bezos.
Anyway, it has come to this, we are - either seriously or self-deprecatingly - discussing the home field advantage in the one-game Wild Card. We won a lot of games. Giancarlo hit a lot of homers. Sevy won a ton - until he didn't. Numbers don't mean shit. We didn't win the clutch games. If, as my friend who religiously reads this blog, but does not post, always points out to me, we had beaten Baltimore the way we SHOULD have, things would be looking very different.
We let the tomato cans beat us. We beat ourselves. There were days when we had no life, no energy, no pep, no confidence, no vim, no vigor and no waft of testosterone hanging above the dugout. There were days when we did not run hard,, when we swung haphazardly at every shitty pitch, when we secretly read golfing magazines at our lockers in anticipation of the off-season. We played as though we were entitled, in some way. Not that I like to quote Jeter, but he always used to point out, when people asked him about the future, that "you still have to go out and play the games." There were days when we phoned it in.
I know, I know. WE'RE IN THE PLAYOFFS. WE'RE GOING TO RUN THE TABLE. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. YOU CAN'T PREDICT BASEBALL. IT'S A WACKY GAME. Yes. All true. And I'll never really give up hope until the last out of the last game, when Cash quietly turns off his television and heads to the bathroom for a long winter's nap. I will hang in their and I will refrain from talking about how we'd better get some pitching this off-season, stick with the "youth movement," not trade our young guys and fire every coach, as well as Ma Boone. I'll refrain from talking about that for now.
For now, let's head to Boston and show them what we're really made of.
My hope is that what CC did yesterday brings this team together in a way that will at the very least get them past the wild card game and into a series with Boston. I mean, if I was a 21 or 25 year old kid and watched a teammate literally throw away half a million dollars (which is $45K shy of the league minimum, which is probably what these guys are making) for the sake of defending his teammates and sticking it to the Rays - I mean, that was all so classy, right down to hitting Sucre's leg, and I know I would have been in awe, and pretty much completely humbled, that they weren't winning for a guy like this. This should be taking all those young guys to school in a way that pitiful Ma Boone does not and cannot. Boone's mealy-mouthed presser about the horrible 8-7 loss on Wednesday stands in sharp distinction to CC's actions. So I think we go on today and win home field advantage. Brian Anderson? Come on, man!
ReplyDeleteKeep Happ's pitch total down so we have him in some capacity for Tuesday. Bring out the high-leverage bullpen guys so we can get them rested and watered the remainder of the weekend. Give Judge's and Didi's wrists more rest. Don't sit AnDUjar, let him stay hot. See if we can ride a hot Gardy a bit as well.
The future is NOW!
PS Doug K - It's Masses. As in "Kevin Masses." To pluralize a word that ends in an "s", you add the "e" before the plural "s". Thus endeth the grammar juju.
Addendum - keep in mind that the Red Sux do NOT want to face Oakland; they want to face us. They are scared of Oakland, and I have a feeling they will not be pressing too hard to win this weekend. We should take full advantage of that fact and kick some ass tonight.
ReplyDeleten.b., The player is Kevin Maas.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.baseball-reference.com/players/m/maaske01.shtml
Maas. Maases. Duly noted - thanks Rufus. Hail, Hail Freedonia!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteWow, 13bit and apoorplayer. Great comments both.
Doesn't a tie in the standings result in the Yanks advancing on better record in their own division, as the season series with the Ahthaletics ended in a tie?
ReplyDeleteArdy
ReplyDeleteAnother correx: MLB.com has the AL Wild Card game for WEDS, not Tues.
The winner gets to play in Boston on Fri. 5th.
did you all notice what C.C. said to the punk? "That's for you, Bitch!"
ReplyDeleteat least we have one true ballplayer.
Rufus and Poor, (A terrible name for a law firm BTW)
ReplyDeleteThank you. I knew that a bunch of them would be Maasi.
For a person who writes as much as I do you would think that I would know these things.
You would also think I would read what I write and proof before publishing the comment but, as my second grade teacher pointed out in my report card, "Douglas always takes the shortest route to completing the assignment"
Doug K.
Dewey, Scruem and Howe is my personal law firm. I am usually the defendant.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the reactions from the Tampa Bay players to yesterday's HBP war. Quite interesting.
ReplyDeleteTampa Bay Times
Joe FOB - Wednesday is correct. Even better.
Ardy - We have the tiebreaker, yes.
Rufus - I have a preference for Hungadunga,Hungadunga,Hungadunga,Hungadunga and McCormick (I think I got the most important Hungadunga in there). They're on retainer.
KD,
ReplyDeleteI hadn't noticed that. Carlton just went up a couple of notches in my book.
Here's hoping he gets his "off day" work in Sunday for two innings of garbage time.
If the idiot does that, I'll take back a couple of bad things I've said about him. But not all or even most.
ALERT! ALERT!
ReplyDeleteTHE MASTER WAS INJURED IN THE BOOTH LAST NIGHT...
DURING THE WIN-WARBLE, HE WAS HURT.
SOMETHING ABOUT HIS ARM...
GOD, PLEASE DON'T LET IT BE A STROKE.
LISTEN TO LAST NIGHT'S WARBLE, OMG.
WE NEED THE MASTER TO GET US THROUGH THIS 1 GAME BULLSHIT AND BEYOND.
Rufus,
ReplyDeleteIt's "Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dewey%2C_Cheatem_%26_Howe
Aside from being historically accurate...
Cheatem, being a closer approximation of a real name, makes the joke stronger. I may not know grammar but this I know in my sleep. :)
Doug K.
a.p.p., I dumped Hungadunga,Hungadunga,Hungadunga,Hungadunga and McCormick after that nasty windshield wiper incident.
ReplyDeleteDoug K., I think Scruem may have been disbarred for practicing law without a clue.
And here's hoping for a speedy recovery for the Master. At least it's his arm and not his vocal chords.
Rufus,
ReplyDeleteLOL.
Doug K.
The Master NEVER misses a game. NEVER gets DHed. He is a master professional, like Ripkin. He will answer the bell, wether it be door or phone. In The Master we trust. E pluribus The Master.
ReplyDeleteSo endeth the JuJu.
He bumped his arm on something. He'll play through it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, speaking of Masses, I found out many years ago that, technically, you're supposed to put an s on the possessive of double-s ending words. Like, "my boss's car." Nobody does that, of course, but I wrote some ads for SUNY Albany in the 80s and they demanded I do it. It looks really weird.
And also also, this is good. Go, Mustang:
--Some of the dialogue is laugh-out loud funny: “Dragonflyman knew an egomaniac like you would never obey municipal building codes!” The writer, Tom Peyer, is a long time scribe with an impressive resume for DC Comics, and at Ahoy Comics he has the ability to indulge in things that interest him without editorial inhibition. This title will interest many of his loyal readers, and also other fans interested in the pith and marrow of American superhero comics.--
https://www.worldcomicbookreview.com/index.php/2018/09/23/the-wrong-earth-1-review/
Rufus, in your future legal wranglings, ya gotta remember: THERE AIN'T NO SANITY CLAUSE!
ReplyDeleteAOBF, no one could ever claim sanity around this place!
ReplyDeleteWould someone please post last night's warble and injury??
ReplyDeleteCredit ranger_lp from previous post:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.si.com/extra-mustard/2018/09/28/john-sterling-hurts-himself-making-yankees-win-call
Hello, boys and girls! This is your old pal Stinky Wizzleteats. This is a song about a whale – no! This is a song about J.A. Happ pitching for the Yankees. That’s right! It’s
ReplyDeletethe Happ-y Happ-y Joy Joy song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZFTUtbn1RUv
You better sing along to this video or I’ll teach your grandmother to suck eggs!
I told you I’d shoot, but you didn't believe me! Why didn’t you believe me?
I have the pregame on now. John is alive and well. A Gregorian recovery.
ReplyDeleteSo endeth the garter belt. Bring on the frilly crotchless pink panties that I beat off in every time Aaron Judge strides to the plate.
ReplyDeleteSincerely,
Killer-Doc-Sexual-Identity-Crisis Warblist
I don't like frilly panties. They itch.
ReplyDeleteLook who started the scoring tonight. That big chubby bublous giggly tub of goo otherwise known as our starting catcher!
ReplyDeleteWelcome Mr Wizzleteats! It's good to have you here. Could you perchance tell us of your life as a Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksman?
ReplyDeleteDid someone mention underwear?
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJPYt9W_prI
Thank you Rufus for trusting the link. And thank you ranger_lp for finding it.
ReplyDeleteAnd may I say, that the fourth inning was a pleasant surprise.
I just need to say the word “scrotum.” OK, thanks. I feel better now.
ReplyDeleteIt's a good word 13bit. Good word that. Does not warrant further elaboration. I'm sure ICS will continue to call an exemplary game.
ReplyDeleteMachine gun Kelly warming up!
ReplyDeleteAnd he's good. Just ask him:
https://nesn.com/2015/01/red-soxs-joe-kelly-predicts-hell-win-american-league-cy-young-in-2015/
Yay we’re getting Joe Kelly! Might set the home run record tonight!
ReplyDeleteYaYaayyy!! The happy kid with the big head hit another one!!
ReplyDeleteBeauregard!! It's as if you read my mind!!
ReplyDeleteBy the Gods of JuJu, I would twerk my fat ass all over Joe Kelly's Cy Young face if I could get to the Fens.
ReplyDeleteIs that Aaron's first HR since coming back? Pulled a bit to left-center? GOOD JUJU!
ReplyDeleteWhat is Toonces doing it there?
ReplyDeleteTV Hell: I only get two USA streams so I have a choice of watching Steve Bannon on Bill Maher's show or Toonces giving away runs. Fuck! Masochists' Choice!
ReplyDeleteYou don’t have MLB at bat to listen to JOHN FUCKING STERLING? baseball on TV sucks! Get a radio and a hobby you coach potato!
ReplyDeleteUp five in the ninth and yet I’m worried....
ReplyDeleteGame is free tonight on MLB:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.mlb.com/live-stream-games/
If the Red Sox walk off, I’m walking out.
ReplyDeleteTo quote John Sterling (just now...), “I can’t believe this is happening”.
ReplyDeleteA great win warble to end it, with no injuries.
ReplyDeleteSterl GROWLED "ballgame over"!
ReplyDeleteI’m going to listen to post game just hear that growl again.
ReplyDeleteWow - not a peep from our beloved resident Warblist? Or did he cave in and watch Steve Bannon when Toonces was on? Those last two innings... were I not vegan I'd have no fingernails left. But I guess this means that the A's will be making the trip to the Bronx.
ReplyDeleteI have a long evening of Mahler (redundant?) booked at Konzerthaus tomorrow night so I will miss the entire game (remember I am six hours ahead of the East Coast). I hope someone will write up a nice précis for me so I won't have to look at the MLB box and guess what happened.
Bis Sonntag! Schönes Wochenende!
A win isn’t a win without a Warblist Warble. WTF?
ReplyDeleteSorry about last night people, but I worked late and then had a date-night with my Lovely and Delightful Partner.
ReplyDeleteBut since we're on the topic ...
ReplyDeletehttps://youtu.be/XBVc7uyFYgQ ...
Oww! I hit my arm! Oh! Now THE SEASON CAN FINALLY BEGIN !!!
ReplyDeleteAaaHaahahahahaaaaaHHHHaaaahhhh!!
ReplyDeleteAAaAhhaaaa-haha-haaa-hhhhhHHHaaaaaaa-HHHHHaaaaAAHHHHHHHHHHHaaaa-ah-ah-ah-aaaaaaaaAaAaHaHaHaaHaHAA-HAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!
AaaHaahahahahaaaaaHHHHaaaahhhh!!
AAaAhhaaaa-haha-haaa-hhhhhHHHaaaaaaa-HHHHHaaaaAAHHHHHHHHHHHaaaa-ah-ah-ah-aaaaaaaaAaAaHaHaHaaHaHAA-HAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!
THANK YOU Mighty WinWarblist!
ReplyDelete
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