Cashman to Yankiverse: Money doesn't grow on trees!

"Well, I nevah!"

So spake the brain trust of the Yankees yesterday, as Brian "Cooperstown" Cashman put to rest once and for all those disgusting rumors that Bryce Harper might end up in pinstripes this winter. Not. Gonna. Happen. And it's about time!

Listen-up, people: Of course the Yankees would love to have Bryce Harper. Who wouldn't? We all want to sleep in fancy linens, dab our faces with the best French make-up, and wear the most comfortable Italian shoes. But those things cost money... and the Yankees don't have any!

I can't believe the way some of you whine and caterwaul about how the Yankees should sign this guy or that guy. Oh, you want Patrick Corbin. Boo-hoo, he's gone to the Nats. Oh, you want Nathan Eovaldi. Boo-hoo, the Redsocks got him. You want to spend millions of dollars on these players, and just where do you think that money is coming from? Does it fall from the heavens? Does it gurgle up from the ground? No, it comes from good-hearted Hal Steinbrenner, our benefactor, from his own personal savings account! And instead of complaining all the time, maybe you should shut up and pay this well-meaning man a little goddamm respect.

Do you think Hal Steinbrenner is made of money? Because... news flash: He's a person, just like you and me. He's not made of solid gold. He has to balance his checkbook just like the rest of us, and sometimes that means eating scrapple instead of the porterhouse steak, and right now, the Yankees simply cannot afford those high-priced free agents who think their poop is beef tartar. 

It's about time somebody says, NO! GO AWAY! WE'RE NOT PAYING YOU! WE WON'T BE HELD FOR RANSOM!

Remember: If "if's" and "buts" were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas!

But it's not. And the Yankees cannot afford Bryce Harper. In fact, they may not be able to afford Didi Gregorius! Did you know that Sir Didi - (that's what he's taken to calling himself) - won't be able to play for months, and yet he is expecting a raise in pay? You try doing that. Go to your boss, tell him you plan to take six months off, and then demand a raise. See what happens. Yes, lovable Didi, who has been such a joy all this time... but he's not doing it out of love for the Yankees. He wants big money! He won't be happy until he holds Hal upside down and shakes the last coins out of the poor owner's trousers. 

Aaron Judge, too. Oh, I hate to burst your Christmas balloons, but wait and see. He's got the best job in New York - wouldn't we give anything to play RF for the Yankees? I bet he can walk into any bar and get a free drink. (Maybe even more!) But don't let that sweet, innocent, Pepsi-selling smile fool you. He's going to want money! And if Judge doesn't get it, he'll leave! 

Frankly, it's a wonder Hal puts up with this crap. He doesn't need to. He could sell the team, walk away with a tidy profit, and he'd never again have to hear people whining about signing somebody for some ridiculous price! And where would we be then? Without an owner, then there would be no Yankees. Would you be satisfied then? 

I say it's time we be a little less greed and a little more gratitude for the bountiful gifts we receive as Yankee fans. To Cooperstown Cashman and the Halligator, who are holding the line on player salaries, I say: "Thank you, sirs, may I have another! Don't waste one more thin dime on this ungrateful fan base. Let other teams overspend. In 2019, we're going to win the World Series of Fiscal Integrity! Yay, team! Best owner ever! Yip-yip-yip, yahooo!