1. Each batter gets one pitch.
2. If it is a ball, he walks. If it is a strike, and he makes no contact, he is out.
3. Three foul balls are the maximum. Then, you are out.
4. The only sounds permitted in the stadium are "baseball sounds," and the noise of fan chatter/cheers/boos.
5. There will be no interviews of any player, manager or owner. Ever.
6. Only beer and hotdogs will be served. Mustard will be spicy brown deli mustard. No ketchup and no yellow mustard. For that, go to soccer matches.
7. Cracker Jacks will be given out free, and each box must have 20% peanuts.
8. Balls and strikes will be called electronically.
9. If cheating is detected by any team, that franchise loses its affiliation with MLB, and all players on that team are banned from the game for life.
10. Chewing tobacco is welcomed, but no player may eat or spit any form of seed. Violations are $10,000 fines, per seed husk. CCTV cameras will assure compliance.
11. Defensive "shifting" will not be permitted. Everyone...every position...plays " straight away." Deviations result in forfeits.
12. Mercy rules will apply. Any team leading a game by more than 10 runs (at any point) goes home a winner. Fans get free Uber rides home if the home team is the winner.
13. Extra inning games will not be permitted. A tie will be recorded as a loss for each team.
14. Rain gear and pink rubber balls will be used in rainstorms. Rubber boots will reach just above the player's calf.
15. Bases will be extended to 110 feet from 90 feet, to encourage the "speed and conditioning " factor.
16. Pitchers may alter the ball any way they wish, but may carry no tools to the mound.
17. No player will be allowed a translator.
18. Coaches will not be permitted mound visits unless the pitcher is injured, or is to be removed.
19. If players meet at the mound, they are limited to 60 seconds, and their conversations must be broadcast over the stadium speakers.
20. If a batter is hit with a pitch, the batter gets to hit the pitcher with his bat.
I'll have four dogs, heavy on the mustard, and six beers! Play ball !!
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to know is: Can we all go to a Yankees-Red Sox game together -- preferably in Fenway -- and each bring along trash can lids and bang them?
There will be no interviews of any player, manager or owner. Ever.!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI particularly like No. 13.
ReplyDeleteBless you, Alphonso!!!
ReplyDeleteLove ya, Fonz, but didn't you, maybe, ALREADY have those four dogs & six beers?? What happened to Crown Royal, btw??
ReplyDeleteLB (No J)
LB...I don't rink Crown Royal at the games. Too likely I will die on th stairs.
ReplyDelete#20...except when the hit player is a cheater...Red Sux and Houston Assholes
ReplyDeleteThere are many good ideas here, mainly because most of the list fits baseball circa 1960, which was a great era for baseball.
ReplyDeleteThe one thought that may make the others unnecessary is the complete purge of MLB management and the ouster of all owners, to be replaced by everyone here at IIH. At significant salaries, I might add.
That would solve everything. A simple and elegant solution.
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