Normally, this blog would hereby uncork several existential, scientific and utterly hilarious reasons for hope, as we navigate the toxic backwaters of toothless Florida Man culture.
These are not normal times.
Lately, we at IT IS HIGH have detected a bizarre, red kryptonite variant of juju. The strain is easily transmittable and carries a terrifying impact: It alters the DNA of our finely honed statements, causing them to come back and haunt us.
For example, last week, after two late-inning meltdowns, I wrote: "The evolving Yankee bullpen reckoning has begun." Clearly, the Yankee pen was going up in flames, like Scott Proctor's equipment after a shellacking . The next day, the bullpen threw five scoreless innings to beat the Nationals, 4-3.
The next morning, I wrote: "Make no mistake: The fate of the Yankees still rests on Gleyber Torres," suggesting that his slow start - no HRs this season - was a sign of impending doom. That day, Gleyber homered to beat Washington.
Yesterday, I wrote about two emerging Yankee farm hands, Trevor Hauser and Estavan Florial, both among the hottest hitters in the minors. Last night, both went 0 for 5.
All of this happened following our good faith attempt to use ex-Yank lug nut Ryan McBroom as a talisman for our impending sweep of Houston, a move that also backfired.
We constantly call upon slumping Yankee hitters to make adjustments against defensive overshifts. We at IT IS HIGH must practice what we preach.
Therefore, rather than rail against Tampa - with its sinkholes, pythons, phony Covid numbers and quests to suppress voters - I shall blunt all references to the Devil Rays. As Alphonso would say, it's time for some "reverse juju."
Why would I do this? Because the juju gods are fuckin' assholes adorable creatures. They love to inflict inhumanly pain spread their mirthful brand of mischief. Tonight, I'm sure they will treat Gerrit Cole as the Yankee ace just another pitcher, and the addition of Luke Voit to our lineup should settle the infield do nothing. Going forward, we all feel confidence about the health of Aaron Judge Randy Arozarena. There is no way we will win tonight. That Rays lineup would never catch Covid.
Got that, juju gods? Go, Tampa! Hon joo, Matt Gaetz!
Monty looked pretty damn good against tougher competition. Sanchez went the other way for his homer. Judge hit a laser.
ReplyDeleteWe are not smoking up the league offensively, but who is? It doesn't matter how many runs you rack up to get a win, just that you get a win. And every win is a big Yankees win.
So let's say, for kicks, that Monty has finally become the pitcher he had the promise to be. And Kluber has regained at least much of his Cy Young form. Suddenly, we have a rotation. And it's pretty good, although they have to shake the five-inning curse. Which would save the bullpen. Which isn't bad if it isn't overworked.
By the way, what are the odds we get that talented SS from the Rockies? Probably long, but that would be a talent theft on the order of DJ-level.
I am ALL IN on tonight's Reverse JuJu-OPollooza, but honestly, it doesn't matter since there's nooOOOOoooooOOooo way we can win, even with Cole on the mound!
ReplyDeleteSo would Alphonso's Reverse JuJu consist of absolute pure positivity, sunbeams, lollipops and pretty pretty unicorn sightings??????
ReplyDeleteReverse juju eh? Let me try.
ReplyDeleteKen, I've heard that Alphonso just joined AA.
uJ UJ
ReplyDeleteDoug K.
I shall have my Warblin' Pants at the ready and will engorge my genitalia at the appropriate time.
ReplyDeleteI need to repeat a few things that my soulmate Bitty has said over the last several days. The Yankees are a collection of flaming turds. No matter how well they do, it's all just false hope, because this Yankee team really sucks.
ReplyDeleteFrom my own vantage, I say that no matter how well they pitching is doing now, it will ultimately implode. The recovering invalids will hit limits of endurance and innings. Ka-boom goes the starting rotation and then ka-boom goes the bullpen as they are worked like rented mules.
This Yankee team still sucks.
So endeth my Uj-Uj.
I have no idea what JM is trying to do up there. Ban him now before he causes irreparable harm to the Ju-Ju firmament.
ReplyDeleteBeing a pessimist by nature when it comes to the Yankees, reverse juju comes easy for me. The Tampons start two pitchers named TBD. That's always the calling card of death for us. The Black Spot. Kevin Cash and his Tampons will start to work their bull shit magic. Our bats will turn into limp wet rolled up newspapers and they'll pummel our pitchers into submission to take the series and jump ahead of us in the standings once again.
ReplyDeleteThe Hammer of God
There ya go again invoking McXXXXX...are you nuts?
ReplyDeleteRanger is RIGHT, X-nay on all XXXXXXMcay speak, even within the perverse holodeck of our Uj-Uj universe!
ReplyDeleteStop it ... all of you. Stop this right now. Stop! STOP!! YOU MUST NEVER EVER SPAKE OF THIS AGAIN!!!
ReplyDeleteRyan McMop?
ReplyDeleteWe were doomed before this post. Now we are truly doomed.
ReplyDeleteThat's okay. We all still have each other and The Lady Of IBS watches over us.
Me, I'm channeling Ed Grimley: "We're as doomed as doomed can be, ya know."
ReplyDeleteMentioning McXXXXX is akin to mentioning "The Scottish Play"
ReplyDeleteAnd I say, "Ni"!
ReplyDeleteYou can't fool a JUJU god. Juju gods, apart from participating in pantheism, need to be worshipped. I have a friend who is a JUJU god. He points out nobody cares about the Rays, and it is not worth cultivating their worship. But the Yankees-- the entire baseball universe cares about the Yankees, so whether it be appeasement or punishment,the Gods get more buck for their rizzuto-ton. My Juju God friend says this negative juju intervention might make the balance of the JUJU gods feel they are being mocked. He suggests this reverse strategy might result in significant sanctions, including complete loss of the 2021 season, or results on the field that mirror those obtained by the 1966 last place Yankee team. (Interestingly, at least two JuJu gods work for the NCAA. One is on the selection committee for the Men's March Madness tournament, the other serves on a random disciplinary committee that administers the kickbacks on the NCAA's stalled investigations.) My JUJU Friend says we are playing with fire. So don't count me in. I plan on sneaking onto the field at Yankee Stadium tonight while the team plays in Tampa I am going to dismember a baby goat, put the head where the shortstop shifts to when Aaron Hicks is up, put the torso out in the outfield where the second baseman plays when Aaron Hicks is up, and the tail of the goat where the first baseman plays when you know who is up. I probably will run out of goat by the time I sprinkle blood on the patch of dirt the third baseman plays while shifting, but the Juju gods will accept my sacrifice as sincere.If the Yanks win tonight, praise the Juju gods, not me
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9W-smdTVjA
ReplyDeleteI think Yankee Daddy Roger has got the hang of IIH.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely. Do the Juju gods like goat, Yankee Daddy? Somehow, I always suspected it.
ReplyDeleteMy sacrifice was successful. I got a Thank You card from the Juju god who works for the NCAA March Madness Selection Committee. The problem now all the Juju Gods want their own sacrifice of a baby goat. I don’t mind having their blood on my hands, but I don’t think I can find the requisite 15-20 baby goats before tomorrow’s game
DeleteI insist the next GOAT to be sacrificed is Tom Brady.
ReplyDeleteBRILLIANT Yankee Daddy, pure brilliance!!!!!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteI really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via believelovespelltemple@gmail.com a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.
ReplyDeleteLOTTO, lottery,jackpot.
Hello all my viewers, I am very happy for sharing this great testimonies,The best thing that has ever happened in my life is how I win the lottery euro million mega jackpot. I am a Woman who believe that one day I will win the lottery. finally my dreams came through when I email believelovespelltemple@gmail.com and tell him I need the lottery numbers. I have spend so much money on ticket just to make sure I win. But I never know that winning was so easy until the day I meant the spell caster online which so many people has talked about that he is very great in casting lottery spell, . so I decide to give it a try.I contacted this great Dr Believe and he did a spell and he gave me the winning lottery numbers. But believe me when the draws were out I was among winners. I win 30,000 million Dollar. Dr Believe truly you are the best, all thanks to you forever