Whoopie!
Nathan Eovaldi pitches against us tonight, again. Yeesh, does this guy hold a grudge, or what? Get over it, buddy. Yeah, the Yankees waived you. It's not like you were all that good. Now, you have a ring. Haven't we paid enough? Leave us the fuck alone.
Uncle!
Good grief, is this worth watching?
The Yankees have no player hitting .300 - or even .290. Our HR leader, Aaron Judge, is tied for 16th in MLB. Our RBI leader - Judge - is tied for 58th. Fifty-eighth. (And get this: He's tied with Maikel Franco, a Baltimore 3B who is hitting .208.) We have no speed, no hitter reputed for his clutch play. The games last four hours, with Yankees having built a Gigantic Frustration Machine.
Tedious.
But but BUT... if we somehow win tonight, Gerrit Cole pitches Sunday afternoon, and we still have a half-season left to make amends for this miserable predicament that we long ago assigned ourselves to - rooting for the NY Yankees.
Well, I am not going to waste any more of this beautiful summer day pining over a dreadful team.
Crowds in the streets are chanting, "Free Britney!" Sure, why not? But I would add, "FREE US FANS!"
ReplyDeleteI had a girlfriend many years ago who was beautiful. Dark, raven haired, olive complexion, warm round eyes, wonderfully sculpted body. She even wore matching bra and panties sets - lacy, sexy ones. A real package to look at.
We fooled around a lot. She let me touch her in all the right places, though she didn't do much touching herself. And to bring it all home, what she wouldn't do is the finale. She never let me play hide the salami with her.
It's not that she intended to be a big gorgeous tease, but she pulled off the tease routine so naturally that it became maddening. She would look at me as if to say: "What's the problem here? Isn't my beauty enough?"
And so I watch the beautiful pinstripes stumble through the season in their pretty uniforms, in a cathedral of a baseball mall and make all kinds of soothing promises. And the feeling I have watching this team is the same feeling I had with my lovely Italian: they are a tease. I keep hoping that one day they will rise up and chests will puff up all over Yankeedom and they will reassert their manly prerogative over the baseball world as in the days of yore. But it will never happen.
But like my short-lived dalliance with that lovely girl, the Yankees will never let me relieve my bloated, Cialis-inspired manhood and I will once again be left with a serious case of blue balls.
Least she could have done was send you a gift basket ...
ReplyDelete@DickAllen The Emperor's Club was great until Elliot Spitzer ruined it all. Well, there are still other places open.
ReplyDeleteThis Yankee team wasn't able to tease me. Because I knew they sucked, I never let them get my hopes up. This recent revival is just another teasing episode.
BTW, the only thing wrong with the Tampons is that they haven't played us in a while. They're probably checking the calendar right now. When do they play us again?
The Hammer of God
Yeah, Jeter would have.
ReplyDeleteLook, the Sox were no better than us. Once the crappy starters were gone, the game ground to a halt and nobody did nothin'. They got one more measly run. It was a long, dull game once the bullpens got to work.
Losing Britton again hurts. There's no denying that. German remains a frustration right up there with Dick's Italian beauty. How can he be so good for nine games straight then suck the next three? He's the whole team in microcosm. Streaky, alternating between world-beating and Count Suckula. The hitters, the pitchers, everyone. It's a study in inconsistency that's maddening.
If they wore lacy matching bra and panty sets, it might not be so bad.
But today is another day and tomorrow is Cole, who's been having some issues himself. All we can do is hope. Or watch MeTV. Which reminds me, why isn't Mr. Magoo on one of the 500 worthless channels Spectrum has? And where's The Man from U.N.C.L.E.? And who stole the kishka?
Perhaps German was using some of that Spidertack himself, eh? Does he suck now because his supply has been confiscated?
ReplyDeleteOur hitting coming alive did coincide with the Spidertack ban. Does that mean that our hitting is now for real and that our pitching is coming back down to earth? So the offense goes up but the defense sucks, and the net result will be zero. Well, at least it is much more entertaining now.
The Hammer of God
Why haven't the Yankees promoted Hoy Jun Park?
ReplyDeletehttps://www.si.com/mlb/yankees/news/why-new-york-yankees-should-call-up-infield-prospect-hoy-jun-park-from-triple-a
I feel the same way, Hammer. This Yankees pitching staff was put together with spit and baling wire. It only looked good, as many have stated—including me—because of all the Spider Pig.
ReplyDeleteNow, quite predictably, it's dissolving in injury and incompetence. Wow, what a surprise—only exactly what the record would tell us would happen.
I believe that the answer to all this inconsistency is that we have a team of average players. Isn't this what average players do? Run hot and cold, like that a/c unit with a failing thermostat, it works just enough that you put off getting rid of it. We have just enough stars to keep us over.500, but the Angels have had Mickey Mantle's reincarnation, roughly the equivalent of three near All Stars. The point being that we need A LOT MORE TALENT to talk about Flags. We don't have saleable talent to bring in "can't miss" youngins' and we are three to five years away from our 'armies of milb talent' to gel. So this circles back to Hal. We are Yankee fans. Do we seem like the type who will have more than a cursory interest in 85 win teams? The Prince might make a play to placate the subjects. HOWEVER. Considering what it costs to attend a game, and how the Steins acquired the new stadium, Prince Hal and his Cabal have giant neutrino balls to ever whine over money. But given the fact that owners bullied,um payed-off City Fathers to pay for aging private infrastructure... yeah, they really do have giant neutrino balls. I will spare our collective feelings by not doing any comparisons.
ReplyDeleteThis is a team clotted with some of the WORST players in baseball, players like Odor and one of your favorites, Gardner, for whom you serve as apologist and advocate even though it's plainly absurd to give two-thirds of the starts in CENTERFIELD to a middle-aged guy WHO IS ONE OF THE WORST PLAYERS IN BASEBALL. Oh sorry--am I repeating myself? Sometimes that's what it takes, I guess.
ReplyDeleteAnon, I love you!
ReplyDeleteYou make the rest of us sound like optimists.
Gardner is a fourth outfielder playing everyday. Reason being is not because of my well-wishes. The reason, according to people who can evaluate in real time is he's the BEST THEY HAVE! A huge indictment of Cashman's signing an career-long injury risk. Blame The Brain. I've NEVER advocated the Gardner was a first-line centerfielder, only the best that they have, nameless idiot. Don't bother with your twisted, cherry-picked "logic" and insults on me anymore. You've shown everyone here that you neither like baseball, The Yankees, nor do you understand the game as it unfolds, nor anything at all about stats beyond the middle school level, which I suspect that you are still in. Must be embarrassing driving to school in eighth grade, still unable to score on thirteen year old girls. No wonder you hate Life. Get to a psych before you wind up in prison, or worse. You may amuse yourself, but I will neither read, or respond from this point on.
ReplyDeleteGardner is not playing every day because of your well wishes--DUH. But you are an ADVOCATE FOR THIS ATROCITY--an apologist for it. One of the worst players in baseball is the best they have? That's a pathetic apologia for a GM who is even less lucid than you are, it that's possible. I'm missing something in the numbers? No--YOU are. I've cited all the relevant numbers on Gardner, more than once--his combined offensive and defensive WAR for the past TWO seasons make him one of the lowest-rated--i.e., one of the WORST--outfielders in baseball. You have presented no counter-evidence to this--just your usual outpouring of diseased verbal abuse.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of alternatives for centerfield that would, on the whole, present a superior combination of defensive and offensive value than Gardner. But you're too dense to see them.
By the way--you keep threatening not to respond, to leave the blog, etc., etc. But you never stick to your word. You not only lack basic cognitive skills--you lack the courage of your convictions, Kev. Would that you just leave already with your ardent wishes that the Yankees make regular starters of some of the worst players in the game! That's your idea of baseball genius?
Please--don't betray us again. Just be gone already. Thanks!
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