Thursday, January 13, 2022

With nothing happening, the Yankiverse becomes a self-congratulatory limbo of happy talk and hype

You've heard about the empty grocery shelves across America, right? Well, the giant Yankee news machine is entering Day 42 without toilet paper, leaving a hungry army of Gammonites gasping and grasping for whatever newsprint they can find. 

They probably face another month before baseball's owners and players launch good faith negotiations. Another month of covering nothingness. 

God help us. If you think the harpies of hype are scrambling now, imagine what it will be like when the big news is Luke Voit, floating down Salina Street in the Syracuse St. Patty's Day Parade. 

Today - when we should be rage-debating the latest acquisition - two rather esoteric non-topics are dominating the Yankiverse.

1. Rachel Balkovec, the first woman manager in history, whom the Yankees signed last week to run their low single A team in Tampa. Yesterday, she did a Zoom call with about 100 Gammonites, who later crafted about 100 anecdotal leads that opened about 100 20-inch stories about progress in America. If you're scoring at home, that's 2,000 column inches, or 167 feet, which - fun fact! - is the height of Niagara Falls. In other words, yeah, they pile shit that high.

Okay, put down the candlestick, I get it: This is an important story. Another barrier smashed, another ceiling broken, a small step for a man, a giant leap for  ma-WHOOPS, sorry bout dat. But at the end of the day, can anyone can tell me the names of other managers in the Yankee system? And how many of you - be honest now - responded to the first news story by asking yourself that awful, horrible  question: What does she look like?

I suspect Balkovec will do a fine job. And the Yankees? For they're a jolly-good fellow, which nobody can deny... Still, measuring success in a developmental league -where front offices don't care about wins and losses - that's difficult. And let's see how the Gammonites react the first time she's tossed from a game for kicking dirt on an ump. Will she be hysterical? 

In the meantime, all the stories are the same: Great success, trail-blazer, committed manager, reason for hope, etc. And they're not just saying this because they have to. Really. It's not hype. Really. This time, they mean it. Really.   

2. Jasson Dominiquez. Yes, this all-purpose hype machine never ends. Today, two major outlets - the Post and SNY.TV - are running Pavlovian, B-matter stories on the Yankees' prized youth, who turns 19 next month. Tick, tick, tick...

Every Jasson story goes this way: He's really, really young, which is why his numbers didn't pop last year. So, for the record, they're not looking for big numbers, in case they don't pop this year. What's important is his long-term dedication to the job. 

Right now, while you are reading this senseless claptrap with an everything-bagel half-submerged into a pint of green Schlitz, Jasson is practicing his hook slide, or learning English. They can't write enough good things about him. Really. And that's not hype. No, sir. They really mean it. Really. Those other phenoms, forget them. This time, no joke.

Another month? It's going to be a long winter.

14 comments:

  1. It's weird that Jasson can't play as a 19 y/o. Bryce Harper was in The Bigs at 19. So was Mike Trout. And Mantle. Yeah, Jeter was 22 y/o when he debuted, but he was tearing up the minors. Even the Yankees couldn't keep him down on the farm.

    It's weird that Jasson can't play as a 19 y/o.

    https://g.co/kgs/sYdahk

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  2. @Winnie...It's weird that Jasson can't play...

    Fixed it for you...

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  3. All young players are something of a crapshoot. Wake me up in 3 years.
    Matter of fact I DID have an everything bagel this morning, minus the green Schlitz, whatever the fuck that is.

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  4. Mr. run999, Schlitz was a fine beer known to upstaters, as popular as Dobler or maybe even moreso. And the green is for St. Patty's.

    Jassssssson has to be a bust. It's just the new Yankees Way.

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  5. But Utica Club is where it really swings.

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  6. Schlitz was a huge-selling beer in the 1970s, but the company changed its brewing formula in a cost-cutting move, and the brand tanked.

    I remember it looking greenish, at times, though I drank it anyway. It was cheap.

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  7. One of my uncles loved Schlitz until they changed the formula. Such a dumb move.

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  8. And let's see how the Gammonites react the first time she's tossed from a game for kicking dirt on an ump. Will she be hysterical?

    There are actually many points of protocol to be worked out. As just one example, if Balkovec visits the mound and instructs the pitcher to give the next batter "the high hard one", is he entitled to say "That's what she said!"?

    So many issues to work out...

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  9. Joe, Joe DiMaggio, at 19:

    .340, .543 SLG (OBP unavailable), 28 HRs, 13 triples, 45 doubles (granted in 187 games). And had 32 assists in the outfield. And hit in a league-record, 61 straight games.

    In the Triple-A, near-major-league Pacific Coast League, long may it live i blessed memory.

    Oh, wait.

    He was actually still 18.

    Hmmm...

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  10. Wait…you said:
    “owners and Players enter into good faith negotiations…”

    Did you actually mean to say that as if it’s even possible?!?!?

    And in the “Guilty as Charged” column, the first thing I did was google images of her. She looks to be about sixteen years old. Quite frankly, I don’t understand all the commotion. The Intern loves hiring people who have no real qualification for the job. She’s no different or better. Or worse. And why the fuck does it even matter? If they had hired a guy with the same CV to do the same job, we would t even bother with this.

    Shrug.

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  11. And if The Martian was The Real Deal, we’d be gushing about his ROY trophy.

    And comparing him to Gary.

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  12. Good Evening. I know a Yankees fan that very recently shared with me their opinion, which sorta goes like this: "what ever happened to unconditional love? I love the yankees. I adore them. I love absolutely everything about them. gary is at his sexiest when he misses pitches thrown to him and strikes out when we need him to get on base the most. judge when he suddenly doesn't hustle or watches strike three sail past his knees because he thought it shouldn't be called a strike to him. sad cole when he doesn't have his sticky going and pretty much nothing else. cash when he acquires talent that has none. hal when when he stoically strikes the pose of emptiness and disinterest. boone when he's cluelessly chewing his cud, desperately needing a hug because he's a dud. I love my yankees no matter what"!

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  13. Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. It was also shipped in bulk to GIs in Vietnam, hence the phrase "We're out of Schlitz" when things got bad, commies coming through the wire and such. An update could be: "No shortstop, no centerfielder, no firstbaseman, and the O's are moving back the left field wall in Camden. The Yanks are out of Schlitz."

    ReplyDelete

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