Still More Spring Training Stories

Inspired by El Duque’s excellent notes from Spring Training I thought I would take a shot at a few as well...

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First Baseman Wendell Turducken Jr. arrived at camp yesterday and immediately announced that he was in the best shape of his life having lost 28 LBS during the off season. Unfortunately for the 278 LB first baseman that means he is still a fat piece of crap.

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Speaking of weight issues, CF Wilson “High Ceiling” Williams showed up yesterday a full thirty pounds heavier than his regular playing weight. When asked if he gained the weight to help his moribund power numbers Wilson replied that it was the result of a communications problem. Apparently, he misunderstood the ballclub’s request that he do lengthy Hot Yoga sessions every day in the off season and instead did Frozen Yogurt.

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Pitchers and catchers arrived yesterday at the rest stop just up the I-487. The third stall seemed particularly active.

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In other pitching news... Wiley Vet, and known alcoholic Wiley McBride is taking several of the rookies under his wing. He promises to teach them the Hi-Ball.

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This just in: The entire starting infield of our AA team held up two gas stations and a liquor store earlier today. Seems the big club isn’t paying their meager salaries and they were hungry.

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In other “lock out" news:  Despite the recent labor problems, and let’s face it if I dealt with my wife’s labor problems the way MLB does, my kid would have been born just in time to attend Kindergarten, the team is rounding out their coaching staff. 

Among the recent Staff Additions:

Richard Lichen IV - Admiration Coach

The former PGA Golf pro will help players stand there after a solid hit and admire their handiwork. While it won’t help the team win games, and in fact provides the opposite, it will get them on more Sports Center Top Ten Roundups, maybe the cover of MLB 2023, and increase merch sales.

Albert Grindstien - Head of Substantial Pitching

With MLB cracking down on foreign substances applied to the baseball Former MIT Biologist, Grindstien, is being brought in to instruct the pitching staff on other “natural” substances readily available to pitchers that will avoid detection.  You don’t want to know.  If opposing batters are even able to make contact, they will regret it instantly as the spray coming off the ball is enough to make one question one’s career choice if not their place in the universe.

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Forget what I just wrote, apparently none of the coaches mentioned above will be in camp as a result of a Staff Infection.

Well that's it from Florida. See ya next time...