Open letter to Gerrit, Jose Altuve's crushes his gonads, the anguished cry of Boonie, and other Death Barge rants

Dear Mr. Cole, 

Know how that song goes, "Izzup to you, New Yawk, Noo-oo Yaaaaawk?"

Well, tonight, it's not up to New Yawk. 

Izzup to you.

Listen: This is not a "must-win" game. Screw that. It's only May 6, the Yanks sit in first, we're three weeks from Memorial Day, and unless the lizard people overlords publicly appear and unmask Joey Gallo, tonight's game against - hawwwk, pttuii -  the ever-miserable Texas Rangers will be memory chum by next Wednesday. 

That said, this is a game you need to win. 

It follows a tough Yankee loss - (Note: Every Yankee loss is a tough Yankee loss) - and already, the Yankiverse is spooked by flashbacks to last August, when we celebrated a big winning streak by giving everything back. Tonight, the Yankees need their ace starter to put the team back on track - and to show the world we are immune to long, cold losing streaks... as long as said ace is healthy. 

Win tonight, and we are the 2022 Yankees, perhaps on the verge of a magical season. Lose, and it's still 2021, and we're back to chasing wild cards. It's a long season. Surely, you'll experience streaks and slumps. But tonight, against the Texas Tomato Cans, the Yankees must start anew. And it's up to yoooooo...

Thank you for your diligence

El Duque

Now, to the rest of you, here are some rewards for sitting through my letter:

1. For your personal self-pleasurement, here is Jose Altuve fouling a ball directly into his cabbage basket. Ohhh, the humanity!

I suggest you try to limit viewings to less than 20 per day.

This magnificent bit of audio analysis displays the intellectuality of Aaron Boone's recent intercourse with home plate ump Marty Foster, dean of the Herschel Walker School of Public Debate. 

Finally, clip and save this snapshot of the AL East, notable for Who's in last. (Wait, should that be an Abbott & Costello bit?)