It is the final frame of a sporting match with your most hated rival, a team of scallywags bent upon harming you. Your squad leads by two points, (in this case, we'll use the fabled Star Trek currency of "quatlooms.")
Your most illustrious goal scorer is on the verge of setting an all-time record, bringing jubilation and comfort to the troubled populace. In fact, your most loyal news barker - known as "K" - nearly lost his/her chance to witness and articulate the event across the empire.
But your goal-scorer - we'll call them "they"- cannot tally their record-breaking quatloom unless your team allows its opponent to score twice, sending the match into overtime.
Okay, stay with me now. Suddenly, for unexplained reasons beyond our capabilities to fathom, you are appointed as the juju god in charge of this game's outcome. As the newly transformative powers coarse through your veins, you must decide:
Do you allow your enemy to score, extending the game and giving your beloved goal- maker a chance to achieve history? Or do you simply, mercilessly, crush the opponent under the heel of your newly energized wanton jackboot?
By the way, this question has nothing to do with yesterday's game against Boston. It's simply a philosophical exercise to broaden and enliven your philosophical chops.
That said, the deeper we travel into this unexplored region, the more I hereby demand to the juju gods that Aaron Judge's record-breaking home run, when/if it finally comes... matters.
That's right. If these cheap-ass juju gods are going to make us wait - and worry - I want a walk-off HR or, at the very least, a game-changer. This can't be no 15-1 blowout blast. It can't come off a position player (which, come to think of it, would be the worst thing Boston ever did to us. Dear God, did I just state out loud the formula for the atomic bomb? What if, in a massive blowout, they bring in a position pla- nah, they wouldn't. Right? No. Not that. Right?)
ReplyDeleteI would be delighted if Judge hit a “meaningless” home run in a 15-1 blowout today.
Likewise, Dick. "When" and "how" don't matter. It's a season-long statistic, and Judge has earned his record with the best damn season I've ever seen.
ReplyDeleteI was just speculating about Judge hitting number 62, and the last, off some second string catcher. How horrible would that be? Return of the Asterisk!
ReplyDeleteUh-oh. The juju gods have been disparaged.
ReplyDeleteLook out below!
Yep. Don’t care where, how, or off whom he hits it.
ReplyDeleteQuatloos…”Dammit Jim, I’m a baseball fan, not a Doctor!”
Numbers 61 and 62 can come off my buttocks throwing left-handed, for al I care !!!
ReplyDeleteWe're the late game? Yes, we are the late game, of course we are.
ReplyDeleteBeating the carmines today will officially eliminate them from the playoffs.
ReplyDeleteDuque, will all due respect, the record-breaker - if it comes at all - will matter by virtue of its existence. "Je frappe le home run, done je suis..." and so forth.
ReplyDeleteLet's just get it over with, whether it be the first inning of a snoozer or the 14th inning of a "big game," mindful that there is no longer such a thing as a big game now in baseball. We have only "high revenue" games and everything else.
As for K, are you suggesting he is the head of a Q'ish cult of brainwashed irremediable morons whose only goal is to tear down their perceived threats, the status quo that does not exist? Perhaps he's a tremendous avatar based on some shlep that they conjured up in the 1980s and had to put on ice until the proper technology came along to animate him?
I'm going to go dig up some accounts of the acute mental torment that the great Maris endured while on this same lonely journey. Judge's record is the only thing I care about this season. I want Cashman out and it won't happen with more winning. As some asshole once said, I'm "going to get tired of all the winning."
Winning for Cashman is actually losing, to quote the great Orwell.
Durham ahead of SWB by 1.5 games. Magic number for Durham is 4...sigh
ReplyDeleteI'm too hungover to comment. Whatever the other guys said.
ReplyDeleteThese last two are going to be tough, I'm with Bitty, Judge's quest is what I'm the most excited about, hoping and preying he can make it!
ReplyDeleteJudge will prevail.
ReplyDeletePhasers on Bloody Socks.
Engines to Warp Factor 62.
And barkeep - pour me another Dilithium Crystal Hazy IPA
If the carmines walk Judge every at bat, I suggest that relief pitcher we have with the 105 mph fastball. Our very own Ohtani Ruth -- A-A-Ron Hicks. https://www.cbssports.com/mlb/news/watch-aaron-hicks-throws-a-ball-faster-than-105-mph-from-outfield/ He's just as mediocre in the field and throws harder.
ReplyDeleteBring him in when Devers, Bogart and Verdugo are due up. Three straight bean balls. (Hit Devers in the ass with a change up. Don't want to injure our third baseman of the future. Hit Verdugo in the nuts with a fastball for being so fucking ugly).
Double bonus. Hicks is ejected and suspended for 10 days and we don't have to see him pop out to short left with the bases loaded and no outs. Extra points if Glass man or the donald get injured in the bench-clearing brawl.
Crush the enemy at all times & let 61 come when it comes.
ReplyDeleteMattingly is a free-agent at years end.
Marlins needed a new voice in the clubhouse. Maybe the Yanks need a new voice now...us folks here are tired of the old voice...tired of Boonespeak...
ReplyDeleteThat was an above average comment, Rufus
ReplyDeleteLet me guess. You liked the A.A.Ron part?
ReplyDeleteMattingly managing the Yankees would be a welcome turn of the screw.
ReplyDeleteI do so adore our Commentariat.
ReplyDelete