By Joel Sherman Jr.
Special to the NY Post-Times
Seeking to boost their meager offense, the Yankees have signed 38-year-old designated hitter Vladimir Guerero Jr., who is currently among the batting leaders in the Alaska/Siberia Instructional League with a .434 average and 72 home runs.
The former Blue Jay, Met, Astro, Rocky, Guardian, Commander, Mud Hen, Ring Worm, and Brown Floater vowed to report to the Yankees' flood-alternative stadium in Scranton in time for tonight's game against the Montreal le'Devil Rays.
"I can't lie: I'll really miss the people of Nome," Gurerro said on a hologram call with reporters. "But I can't wait to help manager Joey Gallo and this inspiring Yankee team. Getting back to the majors is a dream come true."
Known primarily as the father of Jets defensive end Vladimir Guererro III, Guerrero Jr. last played in the major leagues in 2036, when he hit .182 for the Las Vegas Marlins, before that city disappeared in a still-unexplained fiery holocaust.
Yankee GM for Life Brian Cashman said Guerrero should bring an immediate boost to the team, which is only five games below .500, and, thus, well positioned to clinch its 20th consecutive postseason birth. Guerrero is expected to be a stopgap DH until Yankee super-prospect Jasson Dominguez - aka "The Martian" - is ready. Dominguez is hitting .238 at Double A Massena.
"We expect a big crowd tonight, upwards of 4,000," Cashman said. "The Yankees are back, and the place will be rocking."
The Yankees last won the world series in 2009.
The thought of another year under the helmsmanship of Cash, Boone and their crew, their illustrious crew of trainers, rub boys and medicine men. Under the beneficent gaze of Leader Hal and his court clown Randy Levine. Under the reign of the Knights of the Spreadsheet, the Yankees Sabremetricians of the Round Table.
ReplyDeleteAnother year of the bullshit and lies coming from the Gammonites while we all wrap up our broken little hearts and gird for another death by 100 cuts in this new game of baseball that doesn't fee like the game we have loved our entire lives.
They lost my eyeballs and my dollars this past year and, really, for much of the previous year. I'm watching from the weeds, waiting for the new messiah to arrive, but that can't happen while Hal casts his long shadow over the land. It's going to be a long, long wait
I'd rather re-read Hoss's virtual season from two or three years ago. THAT felt more like the Yankees than this bunch of passionless dopes.
Reflecting on the current state of this organization, I was dismayed that the animated gif of the Family Guy characters projectile vomiting is not transferable to these comments.
ReplyDeleteI have morphed to apathy, which is actually worse for Hal than Hate.
ReplyDeleteThis time I didn't even bother to respond with vitriol when I got a request to buy tickets for next year.
That's pretty damned funny, Duque. And...when it comes to the Cashman part, at least...all too true.
ReplyDelete"Heaven and earth will pass away, but Brian Cashman will not pass away."
I feel apathetic, too. This Yankees team actually got pretty lucky—at least at first—in how the pitching held up. It won't next year. The amazing thing is how few plans the franchise seems to have to improve anything.
ReplyDeleteSoon, we'll be hearing about how bad luck and injuries did the team in last season. All we'll really have to do, we'll be told, is hang in there and watch the kids develop.
Uh-huh.
Yep, it's same for me; complete apathy,,,, I'm even apathetic about resigning Judge, because I know it just won't matter. And congratulations to Trashman & BottomLineBrenner, they have FINALLY broken me,,,,,,,,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh. This was great
ReplyDeleteI suppose the Yankees' situation is very small potatoes compared to what very well might happen tomorrow, and then the years to come. Or, say, the possibility of nuclear weapons being used in Ukraine and thereabouts. We don't and probably shouldn't discuss these things on a baseball blog. But the world does have a way of putting our disappointment and frustration in perspective.
ReplyDeleteThe edge we're living on right now kind of makes me glad that I'm old and getting older and kept smoking for over 45 years. Might not be a great place to be hanging around, anyway.
Vlad knows that The Yankees are a joke.
ReplyDeleteReally funny post.
ReplyDeleteReally sad reality.
We joke about the ballplayers being dumb, but I think word is out now that the New York Yankees are a specter of its former self. Nobody is going to want to come play for this toothless, senile, old tiger. Vlad the Impaler doesn't want to come here? That's not the least surprising. Hell, I wouldn't want to come here if I was a ballplayer. I suspect that Judge will run away without even looking back, but we'll see what happens.
ReplyDelete