Hey, no game tonight! It's a snow day!
No Michael Kay, no tweaked gonads, no three-hit shutouts, no last place, no death threats, no flaming bags of turd on the front stoop, just you and Captain Pabst... a day off. As they sing on the commercials: Liberty, liberty, liberty... LIBERTY!
Better yet, how about a string of snow days? Let's say, two weeks worth. I'm talking about a flash vacation getaway: Grab the family, grab the dog, hit the road and go somewhere without internet, or phone service, or even Netflix. The badlands, the tundra, the hinterlands, the outback, the great beyond, the Utica-Rome area... you know... out there.
At no small expense, we at IT IS HIGH have contracted with Wagner Group International to provide you with a clean, expert and surgical extraction - vanishing you from your current toxic workspace to a safe house with no newspapers, land-lines, reporters or neighbors... just red cherry sunsets, air like a new Buick and long talks with Captain Pabst.
Say the word, and team leader Yevgeny Prigozhin will appear at your doorstep, cussing as you bid farewell to the summer doldrums... starting today.
Leave now, and don't even think of returning until, say, Aug. 2.
Okay, I know what you're thinking: Of course, I could use a vacation! These charts on the chalk board are driving me nuts. But if I leave, who'll run the Yankees? The trade deadline is coming, the guys need me to jettison farm stock. That's sort of a tradition. Every year around now, we get rid of those pesky kids who-
SIR! Forgive the interruption. But there comes a time when Mama Mallard must let her ducklings swim by themselves. She's done all she can do. She's taught them well. She's fluffed their feathers. She needs Personal Time.
It's time for these Yankees to sink or swim.
As for the trade deadline? STAND PAT!
That's right. You've done enough. You've built a lineup so strong that the leading International League MVP candidate cannot even crack the roster. The Yankees have MLB's 16th best record, tied with the always-tough Twins. That's in the Top 20! I smell a world championship. Everyone does. Just let them go. Take two weeks off. Smell the roses. That knock on your door? It could be Captain Pabst.
You've done your share. So... disappear! You've earned a vacation. See you on Aug. 2!
ReplyDeleteChampionship caliber baby! Championship caliber.
As a group can we file a class action suit to prevent Ca$hman from trading any minor leaguers at the trade deadline?
ReplyDelete"I'm your Captain, I'm your Captain, but I'm feeling mighty sick..."
ReplyDeleteThat post is a thing of beau ‘T’ - E. D.
ReplyDeleteUtica Rome
Air like a new Buick
LIBERTY!
Yep, take the two weeks and just keep on going.
ReplyDeletePretty damned funny, Duque!
ReplyDeleteIf Yankee fans started a GoFundMe for the Pabst, we'd raise enough to fill Hal's Jacuzzi(s).
ReplyDeleteI think Mechanicville and Cohoes might be better places for Cashman to vacation, but I haven't been in either place for quite a while. So Utica-Rome it is.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of which, what network is channel 2 in Utica these days?
This is from Keefe:
"After Thursday’s day off, they return home to host the 28-68 Royals, who are on pace to lose 115 games. The Yankees will debut their new, disgusting Starr Insurance jersey sleeve patch on Friday against the Royals, and if you think things can’t get worse than they are after the Rockies and Angels series, you must be new around here."
Yes, indeed. Things can always get worse.
1966 Yankees were 45-52 at this point. Our championship caliber 2023 Yankees are now 50-47. We're five games better.
And in the exciting Run Differential category, we're down to +8 so far. Remember, the '66 team finished the season with a -1 RD.
We can do it!
Truth is that they can't make a big move. This is pretty much the roster for the rest of the year. This is finally the year the Yanks fall to earth...and no heads will roll either. And how about that crack analytics team? Huh?
ReplyDeleteREMEMBER: IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN!
ReplyDeletenah, just fuckin’ with you.
WE’RE ON AN EXPRESS ELEVATOR TO HELL, GOIN’ DOWN!
Amidst our wailing and gnashing of teeth, here's some fun trivia from the tweets:
ReplyDeleteBaseball by BSmile
@BSmile
·
4h
Gaylord Perry talks about how in 1964, #SFGiants manager Alvin Dark said that there'd be a man on the Moon before he hits a home run. On July 20, 1969, just a half an hour after #Apollo11 landed on the Moon, Perry hit his first HR!
https://www.outkick.com/yankees-manager-aaron-boones-phone-kept-ringing-as-fans-thought-he-was-being-fired/
ReplyDeleteJust because
ReplyDeleteBoone's phone call:
"We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty"
It's always darkest before the dust storm strikes Or something like that.
ReplyDeleteI saw Cashman at Bobby V's bar in Stamford just after he finished practicing a rappel down Landmark Square, the hi-rise office building. Capt. Pabst must have met a mutiny because old Brian was drinking with Mabel. As in " Hey Mabel...another Black Label-Carling Black Label beer." She was awfully pretty, she was.
ReplyDeleteI think Antarctica would the best vacation destination spot. With apologies to the penguins. Nothing but snow days (at least for the moment). Then we could lose his return ticket. Maybe fire him while he's down there. Or better yet, send him to the Thwaites Glacier. Then some good will come when that glacier slides off into the Antarctic Ocean.
ReplyDeleteThe Genius deserves a permanent vacation.
ReplyDelete