Ever see those AT&T commercials, starring Lily the Counter Girl? She's this Russian-born hottie - Milana Vayntrub, a 10 by any analysis - who is pillowed and padded down to a perky 6, so she can pitch phones for an evil corporation. Lily has no home life, no boyfriend, no purpose, other than to sell service plans. In one 2021 ad, her Hamlet-Emmy moment, LeBron James takes over, causing her to ask, distressingly, "Are you taking my job?" Load the tear cannons. It is Streep. It is Mirren. It is Robbie.
Vayntrub has been doing Lily, off and on, since 2013. That's a long, long time.
But not as long as you've been with the Yankees.
Maybe its time for both of you to hang up the - um - cleats.
I say this with reverence to Lily, the loyal phone foot-soldier, and to the 2019 contract that was meant to make you a Yankee for eternity. It followed a season when you won 19 games and finished 9th in the Cy Young. You and the Yankees seemed a perfect match - Kim & Kanye, J-Lo & A-Rod, Miley & Liam, Joe & Sophie Everybody wanted the marriage to work.
Well, it didn't. And it's over.
Officially, it ended last night, when you suddenly imploded into pain. A tweak of the ol' cabbage basket. Nothing worse. You've had your share.
But actually, your time on the target range ended in July.
You'll finish 2023 with 89 innings and an ERA of 6.65. If you were a movie, you'd be House of Gucci. If you were a band, Nickelback. But come February, you'll turn 30, and a new life shall beckon. There is no question of whether the Yankees should re-sign you, or whether you should stay in NYC and try to remain the wholesome Yankee counter girl. To both questions, the answer is a hard, hard no.
It's time to try a new franchise, a new city, a new set of coaches, a new fan base, a new phone plan. Who knows? Maybe you'll regain the command you lost, when you signed that deal with Mephistopheles Hal.
Finally, a personal note:
Over the years, we at this blog occasionally have treated you nastily. We weren't always kind. If we were excessively cruel - I should say WHEN we were excessively cruel - I hereby apologize. You never dogged it. You never faked it. It just wasn't meant to be. I believe Jason Giambi summed it up best: They only boo because they want to cheer.
That said, Sir, I have one request: Leave the AL East. Don't go to any of the teams that outwardly despise us. Don't become their hatred mascot. You can shut us out. You can become a Yankee Killer. Just do it on the West Coast, preferably the NL. Go forth and prosper.
It's time to go. It's time to start a new life, Lily.
Sadly, I think you're right, Duque.
ReplyDeleteI've always rooted for and supported Sevvy. I felt the Yankees screwed him over, pitching him for half-a-season in 2018 after he had obviously hurt himself—and they knew he had hurt himself.
But hey, if he can no longer even keep himself in shape, much less control his fastball...it's time to go. Yes, I share what is no doubt Brian Cashman's fear that Severino will flourish elsewhere. But even that will be better than having to watch him moulder here.
Oh, and happy 9/9! Start those chants now: "Fi-re Cash-man!"
ReplyDeleteAh, hell, it'll probably rain. Even the weather favors the little bastard.
Duque,
ReplyDeleteI can only hope you're bringing back IBS lady for old timers day.
Nickelback!?!?
ReplyDeleteDude, that’s harsh…
As observation:
ReplyDeleteI make my living off the evening news
Just give me something-something I can use
People love it when you lose,
They love dirty laundry
Pitch 'em when they're up
Pitch 'em when they're down
Pitch 'em when they're up
Pitch 'em when they're down
Pitch 'em when they're up
Pitch 'em when they're down
Pitch 'em when they're up
Pitch 'em all around
3 months until long tossing, then the re-evaluation and Tommy John.
ReplyDeleteWell, at least we didn't sign Strasburg...
ReplyDeleteDuque -
ReplyDeleteI'm good with getting rid of Sevi/Lily but you know the Yankees are only going to replace her with Flo.
Sevy should have been a reliever. In too brief spots he was good, borderline great, in that role. The organization ruined him. It's a pattern. It's a trend. It's the Yankee Way.
ReplyDelete