Why we fight: The eternal battle against Boston's Army of Death resumes today and tonight

Imagine the expectations last winter, when the lords of baseball scheduled an epic, mid-September, four-game Yankee series at Fenway. A confrontation for the ages - the Yankees vs the Redsocks, a battle that would capture the eyes of America, if not the galaxy. 

Wars would cease. Hollywood would close. Partisan politics would end. Rivers would flow backwards. The planet would shake, turning cities to rubble. 

Instead, what's on the line is:

a. Last place in the AL East.

b. Gerrit Cole's chase for the Cy Young.

c. Estavan Florial.

e. Draft pick order.

Okay, maybe it's not the future of democracy. Maybe it's not even Depp vs Heard, or a debate between Mitch McConnell and Diane Feinstein. Maybe we shouldn't bother. Maybe we shouldn't care.

But gadammit, we do.

Today and tonight, we fight!  

Once again, we stare wide-eyed into the jaws of Hell, battling the big-spending, hate-filled Redsocks - a franchise steeped in racism, which for decades blamed its annual misery on The Curse - a supernatural, anti-American, steaming chunk of dogma, instead of its own shortcomings.

Once again, let me remind you that these are horrible, wretched, human beings - scratch that, they're lizard people - whose treasonous attempts to harm the Yankee Train of Truth (TM) are nothing less than an attack upon God. 

These monsters cloaked in hominid flesh should be probed by MLB, investigated by the government, and sentenced to lengthy terms at Gitmo, where they'd be probed further. They are enemies of the people, threats to peace and harmony, and the mere sight of their B-logoed caps represents a breakdown of morality and an affront to democracy.

Did I mention that they lie like doormats, and that everything they say - such as denying these words - only proves that these words are 200 percent true! Maybe 300 percent. Trouble is, the Redsock-leaning toadies on YES - wearers of Boston underwear - constantly provide cover for them. Did you know that the traitorous David Cone, at the end of his career, pitched for Boston?  It's true!  Yet they let this pro-Redsock puppet ramble on, spouting his Big Papi-distilled venom, to be digested by innocent, adorable Yankee fan children. 

Today and tonight, as we battle this red algae tide of New England smegma chowder, let's show them, once and for all, that we won't forgive their treachery. 

And that is why we fight. Sadly, some of the following links have withered over the years, victims of pro-Redsock bots and hackers, so you must take our word for them.

THIS IS WHY WE FIGHT...


Red Sox complicity in U.S. torture flights

They fed their own fans prison food

They're bigger racists than Joe Torre ever was

Their groundskeepers are thugs


Varitek clawed A-Rod's face, kept his own mask on

Schilling poured ketchup on his sock, called it blood

They decapitate their players when they're done with them

Big Papi had it in for Joba for no reason

They tried to freeze-out John and Suzyn.

They can't lose a game without whining about something.

Damn them. DAMN THEM ALL! 

Today and tonight, for posterity, we fight.