Jose Altuve.
Fucker did it again. Three-run HR. Basically won the game.
God, I hate that little bastard...
I know, I know... it's irrational. It's like being afraid of garden snakes: They can't hurt you, but you scream anyway. And let's admit it: That little runt - cheater that he is - is a great player. Future Hall of Fame. Can't deny it.
In fact, last night's only positive: The meatball Yankees died last month, so that smirking little tsetse fly cannot hurt us again.
Still, it's what Altuve represents.
He is the creepy, bearded pygmy who shops at GAP for Kids.
He is the angry, treacherous imp with the sinister grin.
He is the big-dick dwarf on the carnival midway, who eyes us with contempt.
The modern Yankees are built with giants - Judge, Giancarlo, et al - who constantly fall to the tiniest of tots.
Before Altuve, (5'6"), there was Boston's Dustin Pedroia, (5'9"), who killed us for most of 14 years, batting .294 against us and winning two rings. Before him, Pedro Martinez (5'11") helped flip the Curse, along with the speed of Dave Roberts (5'10.") Before them, Kirby Puckett (5'8") made our lives miserable. And before him, Joe Morgan (5'7") powered the Big Red Machine.
Of course, in the mid-1980s, we made Little Freddie Patek (5'5") - weep in the Royals' dugout, a sublime moment of vindictiveness. And going waaaay back, once upon a time, we had Phil Rizzuto (5'6") who won the MVP award, in part, with his legendary ability to "bunt." Hm. What a strange word. What does it mean?
Over the last 50 years, we have lost the War of the Runts. And the Bunts.
Which brings me to Caleb Durbin.
Who, you ask, is Caleb Durbin? Wait... isn't he the guy, played by Brad Pitt, who explains the 1st and 2nd rules of Fight Club? (First rule: You do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!)
Nope. That's Tyler Durden, who also said, "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time," words that Hal Steinbrenner ought to ponder.
Caleb Durbin is a 23-year-old Yankee 2B currently playing in the Arizona Instructional League, which is sorta the French Foreign Legion for prospects. Durbin is 5'6" tall (Fun fact: Taylor Swift is 5'10.") Last year, he hit .304 between High A and Double A - with the lowest strikeout rate in the entire Yankee system. Over 12 games with the Mesa whatevers, Durden - I MEAN DURBIN - is hitting .366 with 2 HRs and 6 SBs.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking. El Duque is out of his mind. He's actually touting a guy in the Arizona dirt league, after 12 measly games. Yeah, you're right. It's one lonnnnnng fucking drive between the Sonoran Desert and Rivera Avenue. And let's not even suggest that one kid can erase 50 years of suffering at the hands of mean-spirited mini-folk.
But he's our next, great, small hope.
Therefore, I am hereby instituting the IT IS HIGH First Rule of Caleb Durbin:
You do not talk about Caleb Durbin!
I mean, look... we gotta have something. I can't take another October of that fucking Altuve. God, I hate that little bastard.
Here is another small possibility
ReplyDeletehttps://yanksgoyard.com/posts/yankees-rumors-new-york-reportedly-interested-in-uniquely-tiny-japanese-closer-01hczg3bkcpe
Damn. The guy will probably sign with Boston and kill us for five years.
ReplyDeleteDoug, I appreciate the double meaning. Definitely a small possibility the Yankees will sign anyone who's any good. It's the Cashman way.
ReplyDeleteAltuve is clutch, a great player, future HOF and did not need to cheat.
ReplyDeleteYeah, but Altuve did cheat. That much seems as sure as the fact that the earth turned yesterday, and there was day and night yesterday.
ReplyDeleteIf I was the 1st baseman for Texas, I think I would've sucker punched that bastard right in the mouth as he turned 1st base after hitting the homer. I would've tried to break the bastard's jaw. I might get suspended for the rest of the series, but it would help Texas if Altuve got IL'd the rest of the series. That's another way to cheat. And I think Billy Martin would've approved wholeheartedly. What's good for the gander is good for the goose.
Yeah, it's funny, Duque, I was thinking of that nickname for the character Peter Dinklage played in Game of Thrones. Weren't they calling him "The Imp," and wasn't he always confounding someone with one outrageous scheme or another?
ReplyDeleteAltuve is The Imp in MLB.
Hammer with a great analysis of just what Houston did last night, in the previous post.
ReplyDeleteEverything was going against the Astros...so they broke up the rhythm of the game—probably on purpose. But whether or not Dusty Baker ordered that fool hit, terrific, veteran teams like Houston have a way of just unconsciously figuring out how to do that.
Whereas, Garcia couldn't just hit his big blast and start running. No, he had to do an extended celebration on the way to first, which was both stupid—his ball didn't go out by that much, and for all he knew he might have had to leg out a double or triple—and provocative. It gave the Astros the perfect excuse to plunk him.
Then, when he got hit, he should've just grinned and taken it. But no. He had to start a brawl. He came unglued, and so did the team, while their ace reliever grew cold on the bench.
Also, Hammer was right in noting that the Texas game was really blown by Torrents Chapman, who once again could not get a 1-2-3 8th inning. That was what forced Bruce Bochy to bring in LeClerc too early.
ReplyDeleteNo, Houston is terrific team. Almost a great one. Too bad they disgraced themselves by cheating—probably for at least 3 years. To me, that's a permanent stain on whatever record they end up compiling.
Oh, incidentally: the Yankees will NOT be trading for Juan Soto. OR signing Yamamoto. OR signing that diminutive, Japanese reliever.
ReplyDeleteNope. "Second verse, same as the first": 2024 will be 2023 all over again.
Hoss, all we can do is hope.
ReplyDeleteIf they don't go after Soto, (and right now, I think I'm souring on the idea a bit due to how much it might take to get him), it might be a smart play to just double down on the pitching for now. Get Yamamoto, take a chance on that Japanese reliever as well. Quietly give Domingo German an arbitration raise, then turn around and trade him quickly. Also trade Gleyber Torres, Clay Holmes, Clarke Schmidt, Kyle Higashioka for more pitching. Then bring up Spencer Jones and wait for the young bats to develop.
The press is all going nuts about trying to improve the offense. But if it's this bad, might as well just go all-in with the prospects as far as the hitting, and go for pitching. They seem to have more options, more flexibility with the pitching. Why try to force something with the offense? Take the path of least resistance, and improve on the pitching instead.
I think they have to give up on the idea of doing anything good in 2024. Instead, shoot for 2025, 2026.
And everyone was a Gallo, couldn't be a Reggie or a Jete...
ReplyDelete