Crazy Philly and the evil Asstros have been scrubbed from our October zeitgeist, leaving the final games to simmering hot nights, no-name rosters and a few strategic ex-Yanks.
Whomever triumphs, this we know: 2023 will be won by a tomato can from just two years ago, when Texas and Arizona both finished 5th in their divisions. While they rose, the Death Barge sat, cryogenically frozen, in its state of Also-Ran Mediocrity - aka, the new Yankee normal.
I can't tell you who to root for - no, wait, yes, I can! - because, frankly, it's a no-brainer.
Throw all unused juju toward the Rangers. Why, Texas? Actually, it's simple...
1. Jordan Montgomery, whose every mound and dugout appearance tweaks the Yankee front office in a way that, if not karmic and righteous, is at least embarrassing.
This winter, in his likely pursuit of Juan Soto, Trade Wizard Brian Cashman might just deal away the next decade. Any reminder of his sad, sorry trade record over the last three years is a good thing.
In a perfect world, Montgomery could return as a free agent this winter. But don't count on it. Cashman won't soil himself by reacquiring a living reminder of his failures. So, let's root for Monty, and even fellow ex-Yanks Nathan Eovaldi and the human shower stall, Aroldis Chapman, whose continuing meltdowns remain a source of delight to all abused fans of Gotham sports.
2. Texas has never really hurt us. Okay, yeah, they kicked our sweet asses, 4 games to 2, in the 2010 ALCS - back when, at the deadline, they acquired Cliff Lee, and we got "Fat Elvis" Lance Berkman (for Mark Melancon, no less; thank you, Mr. Cashman!) Ah, but who's counting? We used the Rangers as playoff pinatas during the Torre 1990s, and - really - at least they hate Houston. So there's that. You know... the enemy of my enemy...
3. Arizona. It remains a loathsome outpost in a hateful hellscape that, in 20 years, will be a few Golden Arches protruding from a pile of scorpion-infested sand. The place will soon run out of water, and I say, let them drink cake.
I have not forgiven - or forgotten - the moments after the 2001 World Series, when a humpback liner fell into CF, and the Diamondbacks celebrated at home plate. The D-Backs p.a. system derisively played "New York, New York," and their fans mocked us in song. This, while firefighters were still pulling friends from the rubble of 9/11. What a classy bunch. And they say Yank fans are obnoxious? In our worst moments, we can't touch them.
Nope, I will never root for Arizona, ever, unless it's for new, life-saving shipments of ivermectin and/or another hefty government grant to Catsup Curt Schilling - an entrepreneur and D-Back legend. Surely, both will flourish in this lush, desert playground.
Nope, I'll root for Texas, thank you. And maybe a heat dome or two. In the meantime, how 'bout them Jersey Giants!
It'll be great to see Monty and El Sweatball in the World Series. Eovaldi, eh, who cares.
ReplyDeleteI look forward to the Cascading Rapids giving up a home run or two in relief. That alone is worth the price of admission.
Arizona still has a team?
ReplyDeleteAnd a population sadly 😔 I'm tryna get the hell outta here
DeleteI could care less who wins.
ReplyDeleteThe Diamondbacks did it all with "small ball". Bunts. Steals. Sac Flies... you know, BASEBALL.
ReplyDeleteI'm kind of glad they won despite my animosity toward the team's owner stemming from his classless bullshit from 2001.
Not a Philly anything fan. Plus every time I saw Harper and/or Realmuto excel the "what if / if onlys" were starting to get to me.
All of that said, Yes I will root for Texas (oh G-d No!!!!!) I can't do it. I can't root for Arizona either.
I will root for the Knicks. Baseball is dead to me.
October 25, 2023 at 7:33 AM
I just heard that the game may be getting a name change during the offseason . . .
ReplyDeleteUnder consideration is switching from Baseball to Diamondnetics.
Personally I don’t get it or like it at all.
Soon the season will be Fork ready.
Then our eyes will turn to this fractured franchise to see how much additional pain and suffering we can collectively endure.
Happy Prince Spaghetti Day, gentlemen!
Diamondnetics? Is that like "Dioretix" in Repo Man?
ReplyDeleteWhere Ca$hole learned to throw money away:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3e9pJFqH5Q
Of course Texas. Never forget. Never forgive.
ReplyDeleteArizona D-backs, what a disgusting, loathesome name. I can't even get myself to say their evil name. Of all the things they could've called themselves, they had to name themselves after the serpent, the evil thing that enticed Eve in the Garden of Evil and caused the downfall of man, for which the serpent was doomed to forever crawl upon its belly and be the hated enemy of mankind.
ReplyDeleteThey could've called themselves any number of great names: the Nomads, the Six-Shooters, the Gamblers, the Card-Sharps, the Dust Bunnies, the Pollinators, the Gila Monsters, the Dust Storm, the Prospectors, the Road Runners.
It certainly has weighted the rooting interest balancing scale in the Texas Rangers' favor.
ReplyDeleteI want the Texas lawmen to blast holes in them snakes with their six shooters.
ReplyDeleteI am rooting for one of:
a. The big asteroid hitting, some place in the West.
b. Yellowstone's Supervolcano finally hitting its stride (it is overdue, ya know).
c. Tsunami. A damn big one, coming in with the west-coast hurricane. Until the water laps up on the police station in Birmingham, Ala.
d. The giant cat who frequently urinates on New Jersey moving west, and letting loose after he slurps up the entire Mississippi River.
e. The triumphant return to Earth of Appolonius of Tyana -- a near sure thing, sooner or later.
To steal a line, a pox on both their houses.
ReplyDeleteI am rooting for embarrassing moments both on the field and in the broadcast booth. (Maybe joe buck will fall to his death reaching for a foul pop).
The kind that will ruin careers and make the culprits go on apology tours.
The kind that make the morning highlights, because that's the only way I will see any of them. Unless, of course, one of the watering holes I stumble into on the Florida gulf coast happens to have it on.
Meanwhile, I'm hearing nothing about upgrading the pitching coach here. So it appears that they'll once again do nothing, absolutely nada, and it'll be rinse and repeat for Rodon next year. I don't think I can stomach seeing Rodon with a 6.75 ERA again. And imagine if we do get Yamamoto and he has an 8.50 ERA next year.
ReplyDeleteOur hitters struggle to hit .200, and we've seen games these playoffs where it was RAINING hits.
Houston's mini-railroad station of evil is a tiny, tiny ball park. Every fly ball with a bit of air under it is a threat to go over the wall. Seems like it was made for a home run derby team like the Yankees. Yet, even when the Yanks were loaded with sluggers, they couldn't hit a 365 foot fly ball home run. That last homer that Altuve hit in this A.L.C.S., I think it only went 368. Looked like a monumental blast, but only 368 ft!
Having had more time to mull it over, I think we should forget about Juan Soto. Don't even go for free agent hitters. Let the young bats develop. Bring in young pitching. And for Pete's sake, bring in a real pitching coach.
In 2025-2026, if they're on the come, then they can go out and bring in a couple of free agents to go for it.
Texas' GM, Chris Young, did a phenomenal job, eh? In just a few years, he turned around a crappy team that lost 94 games last year to reaching the World Series. Yeah, it happens that fast now, if the GM knows what he's doing.
ReplyDeleteCashman played the gullible, foolish buyer, who took off a ton of dead wood in Roughneck Odor and Joey Gallows from Texas' books. Then Texas acquired almost half the Yankees' former pitching staff in Montgomery, Eovaldi, Chapman, Heaney.
Yep, that's Andrew Heaney over there, is it not? The guy I dubbed "the Greatest Pitcher in the History of Baseball". Now doing scrub work for the Texas Rangers. But he's got a chance to win a ring.
None of these guys would've ever won a ring with the Yankees. They're very fortunate that they went to a team that knows what it's doing.
ReplyDeleteDiamondnetics? I think you mean Dianetics, by the esteemed Elrod Hendricks. I've read it, twice. It's about mental health and baseball fandom.
Also, go asteroid!
One last shot at the cheatin' ASS-stros: FOX predicted their downfall when they said that no team ever made it to the World Series with a losing record at home.
ReplyDeleteCorrect me if I'm wrong, but that losing record for the ASS-stros was courtesy of our New York Yankees. Yep, that three game series in Houston in early September was our 2023 World Series. The Yankees, led by The Martian and Austin Wells, swept the big, bad, bully ASS-stros and sealed their fate for 2023. Take that, you cheatin' sons-of-bitches!!!!
Sean Casey announced that he won't be coming back as hitting coach in 2024, citing family reasons. According to the NY Post.
ReplyDeleteCutting through the double speak, he probably decided that he doesn't need this crazy bullshit on his hands. Perhaps Cashman & the analytics are still flexing their puny muscles, trying to push around Yankee coaches, trying to get them to do things they don't wanna do.
'Cuz you're the green manalishi with the two pronged crown
And all my tryin' is up and all your bringin' is down
Just takin' my [hits] then slippin' away
Leavin' me here just tryin' to keep from followin' you
It's just a fantasy:
ReplyDeleteCity life
Sure is cool, but it cuts like a knife
It's your life
So forget all that you see
It's not reality, it's just a fantasy
Can't you see what this crazy life is doin' to me
Life is just a fantasy
Can you live this fantasy life
Life is just a fantasy
Can you live this fantasy life
Sean Casey out as hitting coach.
ReplyDeleteI'm ROOT, ROOT, ROOTING for that JIANT JOY'RZEE KAT migrating west and using those two ballparks as litter boxes . . .
ReplyDelete@Doug...to add...
ReplyDeleteSean Casey announced on his podcast "The Mayors Office" that he will not be returning as Yankees hitting coach for family reasons.
So he's spending more time with his family then...sounds like firing to me...
Yeah, rooting for all that, too. And Texas, for the reasons stated by our Peerless Leader.
ReplyDeleteBut don't kid yourselves. Cashie ain't bringing in Soto, and he ain't signing Yamamoto. It's going to be "Twenty-seventh verse, same as the first."
Fuck Texas...I just can't root for em... May Montgomery win his game and that's it
ReplyDeleteMaybe Casey didn't want to come back because he was told on the down low that his best friend Boone is about to get the ax.
ReplyDeleteHey a fella can dream...
Or Maybe Casey did in fact want to spend more time with his family . . .
ReplyDelete