Breaking News! Official IIHIIFII...c Audit Results!

 

This morning the first part of the Official IIHIIFII…c audit of the New York Yankees was inflicted upon the general public. The audit will be released in three sections over the next three days, divided into: Findings, Recommendations, and Expectations.

The long-feared IIHIIFII…c audit is reported to be excoriating. One anonymous Yankees source dismissed it as “What now?” while others insist that it is just the drunken ramblings of a bunch of old baseball cranks on a bizarre website, who have too much time (and bourbon) on their hands.

But the IIHIIFII…c audit crew points out, in its defense, that it has ventured no expense in assembling a fine array of consulting stock footage to accompany its audit that includes actual images of hands manipulating common office equipment, and montages that include tried and true consulting words, such as “consultant,” “support,” “solutions,” and “expertise.”

Here, then, is Part I of the Audit:

Findings:

    The New York Yankees are an aging, overpaid ballclub in serious decline. If steps are not taken to address this condition immediately, the city is likely to see a SeisMetsic Shift in fan loyalties. 

     Such shifts have happened only twice before in the New York history (1964-1975, 1984-1992), and each time they presaged periods of extreme civic disorder and general derangement, as chaos and evil ran unchecked.

    But the facts are the facts:

—The Yankees have not won a World Series since 2009, a span of 14 seasons, which is tied for the third longest championship drought in the team’s history.

— The Yankees have not been in a World Series since 2009, a span of 14 seasons, which is the second longest such drought in the team’s history.

—While the Yankees have enjoyed 31 consecutive winning seasons, the team maintained this streak by the margin of a single game in 2023.

—The Yankees dropped out of the 2023 pennant race in July, the team’s earliest departure from the chase since 1992.

—The Yankees have serious holes in their lineup at first base, third base, centerfield, left field, designated hitter, and perhaps at catcher.

—The Yankees have serious gaps in their starting rotation.

—The Yankees have serious gaps in their relief pitching.

—The Yankees’ younger players almost all flopped in 2023, with prized rookies Oswaldo Cabrera and Oswald Peraza taking giant steps back from their promising beginnings in 2022. While shortstop Anthony Volpe won a Gold Glove, and showed speed on the basepaths and power at the plate, his .209 batting average was alarming, and may be the best he is capable of hitting.

—The Yankees’ rookie call-ups almost all flopped in late 2023, with the exception of catcher Austin Wells. Centerfielder Jasson “The Martian” Dominguez, while displayed considerable potential, suffered a major injury that may prevent him from ever being a major-league starter.

—There are no major pitching prospects remaining in the Yankees’ farm system.

—There are no major hitting prospects remaining in the Yankees’ farm system, with the possible exception of first-round draft pick Spencer Jones.

—Yankees’ manager Aaron Boone is, to use the term of art, a well-meaning buffoon. Boone is an uninspiring dugout manager, whose team quit on him this past season. Boone is a poor field manager, a front office automaton skilled only in the Yankees’ version of analytics, and unwilling to break from his programmers.

—Yankees’ general manager Brian Cashman, about to start his 27^th season in that position, has made so many poor trades and so many bad decisions on whether to sign free agents, that he has become extremely reluctant to do either, all but paralyzed by a lack of confidence in his own abilities. 

Too often, players who fail are simply sold or even given away, instead of being traded for anything of value.

—The Yankees’ scouting staff is unable to identify and sign the best prospects available.

—The Yankees’ coaching staff, system-wide, is unable to improve any players, and in fact makes most of the players they tutor, worse.

—The Yankees’ training staff has proven unable to prevent players of all ages and at all levels from suffering sustained, record levels of injuries, many of which are debilitating or even career-ending. 

Nobody gets any better, everyone gets hurt, could be the motto of the Yankees today.

—Players traded away from the Yankees often perform much better with new teams.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by the high price of food, drink, and souvenirs at Yankee Stadium.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by the high price—and the low number—of seats available at Yankee Stadium.

—Yankees fans feel increasingly alienated by how much of Yankee Stadium seems to be dedicated to exclusive, high-end bars and restaurants, with most fans prevented by literal walls from even passing through the more elite sections of the ballpark.

—Yankees fans feel repulsed by the Yankees selling the beloved pinstripes for ad space.

—Yankees fans feel bewildered by the Yankees’ tendency to constantly move their television broadcasts to different networks or streaming services.

—As a fish rots from the head down, the Yankees’ fortunes are hobbled by the inattention of owner Hal Steinbrenner, his willingness to constantly throw good money after bad, his reluctance to fire nonperforming staff at any level, and his submissiveness to the dictates of his fellow owners. 

None of this is in the tradition of the New York Yankees, a team that is in imminent danger of devolving to such other local also-rans as the Knicks, Nets, Mets, Jets, Devils, and Islanders.

The SeisMetsic Shift could soon be upon us.