From the Desk of Lonn Trost.

 

Dear Chief,

Taking to heart what you're always telling us about showing some initiative, me an' Randy have come up with some really first rate, crackerjack, can't-miss promotional ideas for the off-season and 2024.

We warn you now: grab hold of your socks, 'cause otherwise they're gonna be blown off!

First, nothing is more popular than our heart-warming salute to veterans before each game, right? We was tryna think about what other patriotic themes we could explore, and what we came up with was...

—Civil War Re-enactments! Who doesn't love watching fat old guys dress up like half-starved, malaria-ridden soldiers from 160 years ago, parade around, and pretend to fight?? We propose signing up hundreds of re-enactors (don't worry, they come cheap) to "fight" a major Civil War battle before every home Sunday game this season. Bonus treat: the slogan we came up with. "We may be Yankees, but we also have a Rebel heart." Huh, huh?

—Vindication Week. The press is full of stories about how many Yankees were in the playoffs this season. Well, why not make lemons into lemonade, and turn that frown upside down? Obviously, this is really a vindication of your judgement, Chief, so let's accentuate the positive, and take a week to re-sign all those players who you knew had it in them, but were forced to get rid of prematurely because of those impatient fans?

We're talking one week in which we re-ink, say, Aaron Hicks, Sonny Gray, Aroldis "I'd Rather Be Lucky Than Good" Chapman, and, yes, Joey Gallo. Boy, will all those know-it-all fans be embarrassed! And...grateful.

—Yankees Debt Clock! Sure, we've all seen those National Debt Clocks, with their completely meaningless array of figures, purporting to show what the country as a whole—and each individual family—owes...somebody. 

Any-hoo, how about a "Yankees Debt Clock"? One that would show, say, how much our Beloved Leader would owe if he signed all the free agents those greedy fans want—and how much it would mean prices would have to increase, for each fan's trip to the ballpark? 

Bet you'd see some frugality converts then!

—Your Name on Our Uniforms! Look, Starr Insurance is just the tip of the iceberg. How much do you think we could raise by having fans bid to have their names—and, maybe, a picture of themselves or a loved one—on the back of our new billboards uniforms?

—Mascot! Time for the Yankees to catch up with the rest of professional sports.

The possibilities here are endless. Maybe a "Freddie and the Frying Pan" tribute mascot? Or how about "Cranky Yankee," to rib all those angry, malcontent fans we seem to have now (Bet they wouldn't even get it.)

Or...to promote one of your favorite charitable causes, Chief, we could have "Homeless Yank." Sure, he mostly lies on the ground and drinks, but so what? Would you dance around on a dugout if you were homeless? Makes you think.

Randy insisted that I include his top choice as well:

Elfus, the heart-warming mascot inspired by a certain individual known to rappel down Stamford buildings about this time of year.

During the season, Elfus could clamber up and down the Stadium walls instead, bringing joy and laughter to all who see him. And speaking of our ballpark...

—Time for a new stadium! How about that extreme weather event this past summer, huh? No one can expect their beloved Yankees to play when the sky is full of fire, right? (In fact, possibly climate change is to blame for everything that went wrong this year. Not saying that anything did go wrong, oh, no!)

So...isn't it time to cover the already aging, 14-year-old Yankee Stadium III? And...while the city takes that on, where do the Yankees play? We propose a brand new stadium, to be built (by the taxpayers, of course)...across the street, where Yankee Stadium always used to be!

What's more, it should be state-of-the art! We'll need that to compete with Tampa Bay, and its new stadium, above! Covered, of course, with just 30,000-seat capacity. 

Only...here's where we think outside the box! (Randy, get that damned box off us!) Our new park will be...FIRST ALL-LUXURY-BOX stadium, EVER!

Hey, are there really more than 30,000 New York fans who we want in—or who can afford—a new park like this one??? Make it all luxury boxes. Fans will become permanent "key holders," buying their boxes like condos (along entirely reasonable "maintenance fees). Everyone will LOVE it! And no more worries about pesky booing and chanting! Plus, we have in mind all kinds of in-house amenities. Maybe a 3-D IMAX theatre, a gentlemen's club ("The Gloves Are Off—And Everything Else!"), maybe a gym.

What will happen to YS III when it's finally renovated, I hear you ask?

Two words: PADEL BALL! And/or, INDOOR SOCCER! Or one word: pickleball! Once YS III is refurbished, it can become the brand-new, panel ball/pickleball/indoor soccer/gaming tournament venue Beloved Leader has always dreamed of—for all those who can no longer afford baseball!

Don't worry, Chief! We'll always be devoted to baseball, first and foremost. But these boffo new ideas are guaranteed to raise income and respect exponentially!

Happy Thanksgiving—and don't choke on any turducken! (That was Randy's joke.)

—Lonnie