Owning the libs and mocking the MAGAs, in front of a terrified family over a 1,000- calorie snort.
But tomorrow is Yanksgiving, our yearly chance to bloviate at helpless nieces and nephews about the owner, front office, players and media that covers this massive clown show of sports and culture.
As a big time blogger/truth-teller, I write each lecture in advance, keeping within my 30-minute window, punctuating with swigs of courage, though I do sometimes awaken to find myself alone and breathing through a plate of mashed potatoes.
Here in advance, are tomorrow's major talking points, printed in CAPS to adequately portray the fury that shall erupt from my righteous breasts.
1. DON'T TELL ME ABOUT GLEYBER, I'VE HEARD IT ALL ABOUT GLEYBER, BECAUSE WE'LL NEVER WIN WITH GLEYBER, BECAUSE THE SHORTSTOP - WHAZZISNAME, UM, DEVITO - HE SHOULD BE AT SECOND, AND - LIKE - HOW MANY SEASONS DOES FLORIAL HAVE TO PLAY IN SCRANTON? THEY'RE GONNA MAKE HIM INTO THE NEXT TYLER AUSTIN, WHO I STILL SAY COULD HAVE WON A BATTING TITLE, IF THEY GAVE HIM A CHANCE. THEY HAD BEN GAMEL - BEN GAMEL - AND TYLER AUSTIN - NEVER GAVE THEM THE TIME OF DAY! YOU CAN'T WIN THAT WAY! AND YOU CAN'T WIN WITH GLEYBER!
2. YOU KNOW THE PROBLEM TODAY. EVERYBODY KNOWS THE PROBLEM TODAY. BUT NOBODY'S GOT THE GUTS TO SAY IT. THEY'RE AFRAID OF DEATH THREATS. WELL, I'LL SAY IT. THE PROBLEM IS BEANBALLS. WHERE DID THEY GO? OH, EVERYBODY'S SO AFRAID OF HURTING SOMEBODY, MAYBE FRACTURING A SKULL OR SOMETHING. WITTLE BABIES, THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE! DON'T MAKE THE WITTLE BABY CWY! REMEMBER FUCKING TED LILLY? Pardon my French. WHEN THE ANGELS THREW AT JETER. YOU KNOW WHAT TED LILLY DID? BAM! IN THE NOGGIN! TAKE THAT, ANAHEIM! AND THAT SETTLED THINGS. WE NEED TED LILLYS. WE DON'T NEED COLTER BEANS. PASS THE GODDAMM GRAVY!
3. YOAN MONCADA! THAT WAS HIS NAME. YOAN MONCADA! YOAN MONCADA! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT? YOAN MONCADA! YOAN MONCADA! WE WERE GONNA SIGN HIM. EVERYBODY KNEW WE WERE GONNA SIGN HIM. THEN, BAM, THAT STEINBRENNER IN-LAW, JOSE SOMETHINGOROTHER, TAKES OVER THE NEGOTIATIONS, AND BAM, BOSTON GETS HIM, AND BAM, THEY TRADE HIM FOR CHRIS SALE, AND, BAM, YOAN MONCADA! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE GAME TODAY. YOAN MONCADA! YOAN MONCADA! YOAN MONCADA. Um, can I top this off?
4. YOGI KNEW IT! THUMAN KNEW IT! MOOSE SKOWRON, HE KNEW IT. YOU NEVER SAW MOOSE STANDING IN THE ON-DECK CIRCLE WAVING ONE OF THOSE WEIGHTED BATS. THEY USED BATTING DONUTS. YOU HEAR ME? BATTING DONUTS. INVENTED BY THE GREAT ELSTON HOWARD. WHAT'S WRONG WITH BATTING DONUTS? JOHN BLANCHARD KNEW IT! BOBBY RICHARDSON, GOD BLESS HIM, HE'S WATCHING DOWN ON US FROM HEAVEN. BOBBY KNEW IT. AND YOO-HOO CHOCOLATE DRINKS! MADE BY YOGI! JESUS CHRIST ALLFUCKINGMIGHTY, I'VE GODDAMM HAD IT WITH THIS TEAM!
Brad Ausmus is no Don Zimmer.
ReplyDeleteA FEW SHOTS TO THE MELLON FROM HASTILY DISMOUNTED BATTING DONUTS AND AUSMUS WILL BE A CHIP OFF THE OLD ZIMMER !
ReplyDeleteI refuse to argue with my family on Thanksgiving. I just listen calmly, nod my head, smile and then, when I go outside for "some fresh air", slash their tires.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn’t really matter who the bench coach is anymore, does it? With analytics running the show, Cheetah could be the bench coach. I guess the main responsibility is to shine Boone’s ass, and take over from him for the dozen or so games that he gets booted out of for arguing balls and strikes (although in full disclosure, that’s the only thing I ever liked about him.)
ReplyDeleteMaybe we can sign a guy named Juan Yocondo and fool the dimmer fans.
ReplyDeleteI like that about him, too, 999!
ReplyDeleteAnd while we're counting our blessings this Yanksgiving, I have to say, I feel a little bad for Zach Wilson. Sure, he should have enough money to last a few lifetimes. But it's always hard to fail, and especially to fail so publicly. In some ways, it's even worse to fail at the top.
For most of us, everyone will have to take our word for it that the coach always hated my guts after he saw me holding hands with his daughter, or if just hadn't been for my trick knee...
Wilson failed out there for all of us to see. Too bad. And hey, I guess my prediction was wrong and this ISN'T going to be the Jets' year after all. Oh, well.
Happy Thanksgiving, you wonderful bunch of maroons.
@ Doug.....But a "Biden/Harris '24" sticker on the bumper of their car affixed with super Gorilla glue instead.
ReplyDeleteHorace, as a life-long Jets fan, I feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteThat said, Zach Wilson is a scapegoat. The Jets offensive line (truly offensive) is a collection of third-string castoffs even Brian Cashman wouldn't sniff at.
Add to that is the fact that they have but one wide receiver how gets a lot of attention every game. He needs help.
And lastly, they have an offensive coordinator whom Sean Payton said had "one of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL." Talk about a lack of imagination. Who runs the ball into a line with third string tackles?
Now we Jets fans can enjoy the remainder of a dismal season with "Worst Coaching Jobs in NFL History Part 2."
Even Aaron (The Vaccinator) Rodgers won't help this mess until Saleh gets a better offensive line and a new coordinator.
Don't get me started on the alleged New York Giants. They stink beyond help.
And how about them Yankees. Is the rest of MLB laughing up their sleeves at the nuts behind the wheel?
ReplyDeleteAnd while I'm on the subject of laughable results, let's all give a shout-out to Colts owner Jim Irsay who said his 2014 arrest for operating a vehicle while intoxicated was a result of police prejudice against him for being "a rich, white billionaire." He claimed he was on his way home from the hospital after having hip surgery.
We feel your pain Jim. The rest of your Rich White Billionaires Club members support you 100%. You mean to tell us no one drove you home from the hospital? A friend? (you do have friends, don't you?) One of your servants maybe?
Also, do you really need to tell us that you're "rich" AND a "billionaire?"
The misery you must feel.