Setting: The Yankees front office.
Yankees co-owner and general manager Larry MacPhail sways in through the door, whiskey glass firmly in hand; mean, lopsided grin on his face.
MACPHAIL: That'll show 'em!
MacPhail's co-owners, Dan Topping and Del Webb, enter, both looking shocked. Topping is tall, tanned, athletic. Webb is a little shorter and thinner, looking more like an office suit. But his expression is cryptic and he has a hand in one jacket pocket.
TOPPING: Are you serious, Larry?
MACPHAIL: Damn right I am! I fixed that arrogant son-of-a-bitch, once an' for all!
TOPPING: You really traded Joe DiMaggio?!
MACPHAIL: Thass what I said, isn't it? He's gone! Off to Washington for Mickey Vernon.
MACPHAIL; Whattaya, hard of hearing? Thass what I did!
TOPPING: But-but, Joe DiMaggio is a star! He's-he's an icon! He's a god!
MACPHAIL: He's a washed-up bum, who never got over the war years!
TOPPING (moves toward MacPhail, angrily): He's the greatest centerfielder anybody's ever seen! Mickey Vernon's a first baseman for the Senators!
MACPHAIL: Was the greatest cennerfielder! The legs are shot! Shows how much you know about baseball, what with chasing all your starlets an' ice skaters an' your other whories! Mickey Vernon led the league in batting and doubles this year. 'The Great DiMaggio' spent 22 games on the disabled list!
TOPPING: Don't gimme that bullshit! Mickey Vernon never hit as many as 10 home runs in a season in his life!
Topping moves threateningly toward MacPhail, who shows no sign of backing off. Del Webb quietly moves around behind MacPhail, still clutching hard to whatever's in his jacket pocket.
TOPPING: Are you drunk again, Larry? Christ, it's only ten in the morning! You smell like a still—
MACPHAIL: So what if I am drunk? I still put one over on that Clark Griffith! 'The Old Fox' they call him. Well I fixed that fox!
WEBB (quietly, but with something ominous in his voice): You had no right to do that without our authorization, Larry. Dan and I own two-thirds of the team.
MACPHAIL: Take another look at your paperwork, you cheap hood! As the GM, I gotta right to make whatever deals I want! And this one is done. All it's waitin' on is a final confirmation from ol' foxy Griffith, an' Joe DiMaggio is a Washington Senator! We'll see if he's so high-an-mighty then! An' you two can go to hell!
TOPPING: (cocks a fist) Why, I oughta pop you one—
Del Webb restrains his arms.
WEBB: Don't bother, Dan. I got some friends in Vegas, investors in my Flamingo place there. They can take care of our little problem here.
MACPHAIL: I'd like to see 'em try! An' that still won't get you back your DiMaggio!
There is a knock on the door, and a telegram delivery boy enters.
WESTERN UNION BOY: Telegram for Mr. MacPhail! From Washington!
MacPhail seizes the telegram and rips it open. His mean, drunken face crumples.
MACPHAIL (incredulous): 'Nix on DiMaggio deal.' That rotten old son-of-a-bitch isn't as senile as he seems. He turned down the deal.
Del Webb snatches the telegram from MacPhail's hand and confirms what it says. He relaxes his grip on the blackjack—or the shiv, or the pistol—that is in his pocket. He and Topping both breathe a sigh of relief.
WEBB: All right, your power to cut deals without our permission is hereby canceled, Larry. And I'm calling Mr. Hughes to get one of his best lawyers in here. We're going to put it writing, make it ironclad so you can't possibly do anything like this again.
Webb and Topping exit—along with the telegram boy, his outstretched hand ignored. MacPhail shakes his head.
MACPHAIL: I can't believe it. Joe DiMaggio for Mickey Vernon. How could he turn that down?
His eyes light up with a sudden idea.
MACPHAIL: Hey, maybe I can get that idiot Yawkey to take him for Ted Williams!
*All "great real moments" based on actual events. Dialogue and settings may be invented.
Did this actually happen? He tried to trade Joe for Vernon?
ReplyDeleteI did not know that.
Yep. MacPhail was a crazy, loose cannon, particularly after he'd had a few drinks.
ReplyDeleteDiMaggio came back from the war and his legs were a mess. (Joe, oblivious as ever, was angry that he had to chase so many balls hit off second-rate pitchers on his armed forces teams. Some guys came back with no legs at all, of course, but never mind.)
Anyway, Joe D. got off to a good start in 1946, but then the legs gave out. He ended up missing 22 games. Still hit .290 with 25 homers, but generally well below his usual numbers.
MacPhail thought he had a deal to trade him to the Senators. Griffith backed out at the last moment. The next year, MacPhail HAD a deal with Yawkey to trade him to the Red Sox for Ted Williams, but the Sox owner reneged the next, sober morning.
After the Yanks won the 1947 Series over his old Dodgers, MacPhail got very drunk at a team celebration in a fancy hotel and generally ran amok, punching out a sportswriter, trying to fire George Weiss, insulting Yankees relief star Joe Page and his wife. Dan Topping finally took him into the hotel kitchen and punched him out, essentially ending his time in baseball.