It's the 2024 MLB draft lottery, and the surgically positioned Yankees possess a startling 0.48 percent chance of snagging the first choice in next summer's cattle call of U.S. college studs and 16-year-old international cabana boys. An 0.48 percent chance is roughly equal to that of dolphins rising from the sea to protest casino gambling. But as some chirp in the Lotto once spake: Hey, ya never know...
Okay, I know what you're thinking:
Jeeze, Dukie, wake up and smell the yeast infection. Drafts don't matter. Even if the Yankees get lucky and - say - move up 10 spots, they'll still draft some pimpled human pituitary gland who is waiting for a "minor" arm graft.
Okay, you're right, I get it. We do draft our share of stiffs. One of the names being thrown about in the Juan Soto talks is George Lombard Jr., whom we took last summer in the first round? Already? Didn't take them long, did it?
But here it is, folks - our first full-on, global opportunity to influence reality and exercise the hidden power of the Yankee fan base. It's juju, people - proven science, not superstition - basic Rizzutonian juju beams that are known to alter the course of matter. So light your candle. Wear your golden thong. Turn your TV in the direction of Nashville. Last year, Texas moved up three slots in the selections, picking Wyatt Langford, perhaps the best talent in the entire draft. Who knows, we could move up from picking John Bentley Kissmyass to nabbing Donald D. Dildox!
We gotta snowball's chance. LET'S DO THIS!
Great piece, E.D. - I’m with on this 200%.
ReplyDeleteThing is - I have a question.
Should I turn my TV this way . . .
or this way to face Nashville?
A basic precision compass and meteorologist tool kit generally goes for about $500, but it's money well spent. Remember, if you accidentally shoot your juju into the wrong direction, some guy in upper Idaho might have an unforgettable night in the barnyard.
ReplyDeletePotatoes aren’t just a side dish in some of those counties anymore . . .
ReplyDeleteIf you know wha I mean . . .
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ReplyDeleteI shall wear my pinstripe kilt and go topless and do a juju dance in my front garden moon big Papi just for the fun of it and try and force the gods to give us the first pick
After I am arrested and then bailed from the police station I will come home to see we still have the 16th pick
Imagine if they get the first pick. Just think how much it will be scouring the amateur pitching ranks for guy that will be having TJ surgery.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteAs much as I hope the Yankees get the first pick if only for the future comedy I'm hoping the Las Vegas Against-the-spreads get the 18th. Fuck those greedy bastards. May they all burn in Nevada.
Hi, Scottish Fan! I haven't see you in a while. How's the weather in Scotland? (OK, that's a little bit of a joke...)
ReplyDeleteMy question is, who the hell is Wyatt Langford? Is he related to Frances Langford? The Sweetheart of the Fighting Fronts? Mrs. Bickerson to Don Ameche's Mr.? The singer who introduced "I'm in the Mood for Love"?
So what did Wyatt ever do for our men at the front? Huh? Huh?
I like Travis Bazzana, an Aussie from Oregon State. OK I just like his name…
ReplyDeleteAside from Scottish Yankees Fan’s freezing bollocks, we know none of this is going to work.
ReplyDeleteIn the Yankees “war room” every year they bring in a fresh stack of USPS change of address forms, but the prospects The Intern believes in, as an added bonus they buy him a house in Moosic, then chain him in the basement for the prime years of his career.
Just saw on MLB trade rumors that Woo Suk has been posted. Man, signing that guy would make all the sense in the world.
ReplyDeleteI'll be having lunch at 40,000 ft. over the Pacific. I'll raise a glass and fart in Manfred's general direction (i.e., toward earth).
ReplyDeleteI will rest easy knowing that whatever draft pick the intern gets, he will waste it on damaged goods.
that's a bit extreme for a tuna on rye, Rufus but I get it. was it difficult to get a reservation?
ReplyDeleteWe'll end up with the 17th pick....
ReplyDeleteAA,
ReplyDeleteThe reservation is easy with any major credit card.
Dinner Thursday is at Katsu Midori, the Japanese Sushi place in Honolulu.
Seems fitting. It will be Pearl Harbor Day.
Pearl Harbor Day would also be a great day to announce the signing of the Admiral
ReplyDeleteIn a major convergence of karma or co-inky-dink, the property manager for our rental properties in Waikiki is a company owned by a family named:
ReplyDeleteYamamoto
ReplyDeleteHi JM
Al good here
Freezing cold and had the first snow of the winter season which in Scotland lasts from August to May (the rest of the time it is just raining and windy)
Scottish Yankee fan - unlike most humans - the climate you describe would make me very happy. Its not really baseball weather - but that may not matter much longer anyway
ReplyDeletehttps://www.nj.com/yankees/2023/12/yankees-assistant-general-manager-responds-to-criticism-of-analytics-department.html
ReplyDeleteThe Yankees are sticking to their plan of ruining every single prospect they have.
ReplyDeleteHI AA
The weather is crap
Cold and usually raining but you get used to it and thankfully we get very little extreme weather no hurricanes or the like so I can't really complain
I reckon there would be very many postponed baseball games if there was a team in Scotland unless it was an indoor stadium