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| The Brian that Wouldn't Die (courtesy of Above Average) |
Mm-mm. Tell me more, Dr. Kevorkian...
As we grope towards February, I'd almost forgotten the sweet, reassuring backrub of offseason press clippings, the comforting crapola of knowing that no one is hurt, that we have yet to lose, and that every returning lug nut will soon emerge from his winter cocoon looking rock-ribbed, hungry and "in the best shape of his career... "
In upstate New York, January is a best-forgotten Hellscape, unless you actually care about the Golden Snowball (see below), enjoy shoveling the roof, and savor speculative news stories about what Taylor Swift might do this weekend in Buffalo. The world is bonkers. The Houthis are about to learn why Americans don't have free health care. Did Kanye really have his teeth replaced by Titanium dentures? And what if the Academy snubs Barbie? Do we hang Mike Pence?
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| Syracuse has fallen 22 inches behind Buffalo. Fire the mayor? |
But but BUT... it just doesn't matter.
Carlos Rodon and Nestor Cortes have arrived in camp.
I can't tell you what this means for the upcoming season. Not because I can't find the words. I just don't fukkin know. Because there is nothing to know. They've shown up in Tampa because a) Fargo ended, b) the temperature dipped below 40, or c) the eaves need clearing, and last time they climbed a ladder, they fell into the prickers and needed stitches. There's always a reason.
So here it is: The unbridled hopes of mid-February, served via Door-Dash, four weeks early. Bathe in it. Drink it. Let the healing waters boost our vim and shrink our skin tags. Spring is not around the corner, not even close. But Carlos Rodon's 2023 season is now officially last year's problem. That 6.85 ERA? It's old news. And let's forget that Nestor appeared at a Trump rally. That was last year. He is once again Nasty.
Yesterday, the Prophet himself - Cooperstown Cashman - posted from the laboratory where he is being kept alive eternally. He spake these words:
"I think we have a good rotation if everything goes right."
Sums it up, eh? Now, about that bullpen...
If everything goes right, Cashman will be gone before the All-Star break.
ReplyDeleteClearly silly season began early this year.
ReplyDeleteHeadline from the Athletic today, "Yankees notes: Giancarlo Stanton in ‘really good place,’ Carlos Rodón’s ‘fantastic’ review"
I'm guessing the good place is Bali and Rodon caught a Broadway show he liked.
Hey AA - Really nice graphic.
Ooooh that Brian that wouldn't Die - he is so clever and devious. Making all those cold, shivering sports agents pacing outside the gates of Yankee Stadium think that the Bombers are done dealing.
ReplyDelete"Mr Cashman says that we're all set for the year, so please go home now. Peddle your wares somewhere else. There will be no more viewings of Mr Steinbrenner's wallet as it is time for our mole men to fire up their analytics engines tens of stories below where you all are standing now and prepare to win ball games. Be Gone!"
Best line of the month: " The Houthis are about to learn why Americans don't have free healthcare".
ReplyDeleteLike in the 1930s/1940s movie theaters, before the feature film was shown, viewers were treated to a variety of funny shorts including The 3 Stooges, Abbott & Costello, and assorted sci-fi serials such as Flash Gordon. Perhaps someone here can produce several episodes of "The Brian that Wouldn't Die".
Fuck Hader. The Yanks are going after Hector Nevis!
ReplyDeleteYeah, man. Now we're moving.
Trade Verdugo and pick up Bellinger, who can play center or left or first. Leave Judge in right, and if the Martian can come back this year, he can take over center. Bellinger, Martian, Judge makes a decent outfield. Soto? The obvious DH. Stanton? The obvious dead weight. Let him go, eat the money, stop letting it stand in the way of a better team and lineup.
Sign Hader and pay through the nose.
Forget about Snell, who's only had a couple good years. Two out of eight ain't great.
All of which means we'll sign Snell and Nevis, keep Stanton and Verdugo, and put Soto in the outfield. Somewhere. Like, say, Monument Park.
"Best line of the month: " The Houthis are about to learn why Americans don't have free healthcare"."
ReplyDeleteYes truly.
What will Taylor Swift do in Buffalo?
ReplyDeleteHopefully freeze to death.
"What will Taylor Swift do in Buffalo?
ReplyDeleteHopefully freeze to death".
FCKNGHLRIOUS!!!!
Brian Cashman's head as "The Brian that Wouldn't Die"... Great use of a classic movie and photo, although he's too happy looking IMHO.
Bellinger is too rich considering the spending hole that The Brain put us in. And.... great news! Hader signs with the Astros! How do they manage to keep signing their important players without having a $500 million payroll? Well, if we manage to play the Astros in the playoffs we'd have a chance. IF we manage to blow their starters out of the water in the first few innings.
You guys notice how those bullpen targets that Cashman talked about signing just keep coming off the board. This off-season is torture I tell ya!