Saturday, June 8, 2024

In the big rock candy mountain.

 

It's amazing how fast you lose your moral compass when everything is free.

Wednesday night, I went to see your New York Yankees courtesy of my brother-in-law, a very nice guy and someone who has arranged his entire life better than anyone else I know. He has made a very good living, and raised a wonderful family, all by giving only the most worthy and deserving people in the world, their day in court.

Do not ask me how he has managed this. If I could figure it out, I would try to emulate him. At least, I like to tell myself that.

Anyway, my brother-in-law had tickets about two rows from the field, a little bit above third base—some of the very best seats I've ever sat in. 

(No, he hasn't made that much money defending only the righteous and the holy. They were a freebie from the bank that handles his firm's accounts. But I digress.)

The most stunning thing about these seats...was the complete access they give you to the Legends Suite Club. This is a two-level restaurant where everything except the alcoholic beverages, is free.

And this is...weird.


For instance, I went up to the lobster tails section (actual picture, above). I'm not making this up, there is a lobster tails section, between the crab legs and the mounds of shrimp. The incredibly cheery person behind the counter—the service is also amazing—asked me how many I would like.

"Uh, a couple," I mumbled. (Hey, they were relatively small lobster tails.)

"Okay, here ya go, love," she said—sweeping five lobster tails onto my plate. (No, I did NOT eat them all. What do you think I am? I gave one to my nephew.)

It was like that everywhere—and had quickly reduced normal human society to something out of a science fiction movie. In the bathroom, I noticed, someone had left their hot dog, in the little cardboard hot dog container they give you, next to the sink.

That's the thing: when all your food is free, you can just, you know, drop it anywhere and get some more.


And they had everything. Prime rib, sliced steak, those mounds of shrimp, all sorts of dessert pastries, ice cream sundaes. The proverbial works.

Probably the craziest feature—like something out of a Homer Simpson dream—was the Wall of Candy. Endless miniature M&M's, Snickers bars, Milky Ways, etc. All for free. Just take as many as you like.


It was nuts (you could get them, too). And so was the game.

The Yankees were playing out of their minds. I mean, this was on a 1998 level of total domination.

Rodón, you'll recall, was pitching a perfect game through five-and-a-third, with nine strikeouts.

The glove work behind him was as good as I've ever seen it from a Yankees team. Verdugo making that great, nose-into-the-fence catch in left field. Soto went up into the stands to make another outstanding one in right. Volpe with a great stop and throw, Rizzo picking a couple balls at first in a way that reminded me of the old Rizzo.

The hitting was just as good, line drives all over the yard. Soto seemed like he was everywhere at once, like a hero in some medieval battle saga. Pumping his chest, cheerleading, racing all around.

Judge was more locked in than I have ever witnessed. He hit that bases-loaded triple right past us, then on the next play beat a great throw to the plate, thundering down the third-base like a runaway freight train. When he slid across the plate there came an atavistic bellow from the crowd—something raw and primal and predatory. The Yanks were up, 8-0. With half a game still to go.

And for a moment there, I believed.

I suspect I was befuddled by all the free food. (Did you know you can also order anything from your seat down there? Like even two more lobster tails? NOT that I did that!)

But I have never in my life seen a more dominant half-game of baseball by your New York Yankees, and I thought—just for a minute!—Good Lord, maybe they ARE for real!

Outside the big rocky candy mountain, on a D-train full of contented Yankees fans, though, reality slowly slipped in like a deadly, noxious fog. 

Thing was, none of all that free food was all that great. It was just okay. And the Legends Suite level?  It was the only part of the Stadium where there were empty seats, all around us. All of this luxury around us was a sham—and so was this paper-thin ballteam, delightful as it could be.

I knew then, I knew somehow that I had witnessed the inflection point of the entire season. That things would never be that great again.

Now here we are, a few nights later, with Soto out—Was it that leap into the stands? One exuberance too many?—Schmidt on the DL for months still to come, Rizzo maybe soon to follow. The Stanton machine rusting up again, Gleyber back to being Gleyber.

This team is as real as the big rock candy mountain, inside the Legends Suite Club. It's fun, it's dazzling—and it's so many empty calories. We should enjoy it while we can, because it's going to melt away like those five, perfect innings.


 




19 comments:

  1. "Thing was, none of all that free food was all that great. It was just okay. And the Legends Suite level? It was the only part of the Stadium where there were empty seats, all around us. All of this luxury around us was a sham—and so was this paper-thin ballteam, delightful as it could be."

    This x100!

    The only thing you left out, because I've been back there as well, is how many people are in the back, choosing to eat and ignoring the game entirely.




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  2. Yeesh. No Soto again tonight. Santana coming in last night meant that the Yanks had given up on the game. This means the series.

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  3. Mmmm, I see. I'd better curb my enthusiasm... But this is a pervasive story to me. Is it because I've gotten older and wiser (cynical)? Or is it a reflection of the whole country?

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  4. Wow, Hoss, I almost feel sorry for you.

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  5. My seats in Oakland for last year's and this year's Yankees game are in their exclusive Diamond level section.

    This means that you also get all you can eat food and soft drinks and sweets plus two adult beverage coupons.

    Plus you order food and drink from the menu at your seat and your server brings it to you. This way you never miss a pitch!

    Order the open NY Steak Sandwich and the chefs at the Oakland Coliseum microwave an AM/PM beef burrito, split it open and scrape it onto a toasted open hot dog bun.

    Prefer the Seafood Alfredo over penne pasta? No problem. They'll happily microwave an AM/PM shrimp burrito, split it open and scrape it out on top of a toasted hot dog bun that's been scissored into tiny strips. Then a generous spray of Easy Cheese American and you're in for a taste tempting treat.

    The menu is always changing so I can barely wait to see what they have in store for us for the September 22nd game!

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  6. Doug K: "The only thing you left out, because I've been back there as well, is how many people are in the back, choosing to eat and ignoring the game entirely."

    Having enough money to do this does not mean you know how to enjoy life. It continues to amaze me that people do things like this. I suppose if your company gets the seats and you don't really care about baseball, but... let someone else take the seats and actually watch the game.

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  8. AA,

    *YOU* obviously know how to enjoy life.

    Tell me, can you order extra rat feces with your seafood Alfredo? Because roughage is good for the digestion.

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  9. Oh, and Hoss,

    It's nice to see that even though you are a best selling author and can mingle with beautiful people in the inner sanctums of The Theme Park formerly know as Yankee Stadium, you still hang out with the hoi polloi here.

    A real man of his roots.

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  10. Reflux,

    I wish but . . . unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

    If you want something extra they'll just bring you out another full order.

    I guess it's just easier that way.

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  11. So, you can get an *entire* order of rat feces?

    The Stadium has something to shoot for!

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  12. Hey, I had a great time. Great to spend some time with the brother-in-law and with my nephew, who's a great kid, going into his senior year in high school. It's amazing how much faster and more intense the game seems down there.

    But yeah, it doesn't seem right. Going out to the ballpark was always supposed to be a democratic experience. I know that ship sailed a while ago...but c'mon!

    To have a section like this in a park where two-thirds of the cost was taken on by the taxpayers? It's grotesque...and it doesn't even work! It's the emptiest section of the park, still!

    So you can't entice the ultra-rich with free food in a town full of great, overpriced restaurants? Gee, who knew? Who could've figured that one? Certainly not the braintrust that still can't bring the Yanks another ring.

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  13. You know what would attract more people to the expensive seats????~??~?~??~??

    A FUCKING CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM, not free meh lobster in the bowels of the stadium!

    And maybe playing real baseball, not the stratomatic version played by ANALytical nerds in mommy's basement. You know -- hit and run, bunt once in a while, not swing from your heels on every pitch. Ya know -- baseball!

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  14. Ok, I feel better now. At least until game time. As long as I don't watch big juicy and aroid on the pregame.

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  15. Things like this are the reason I will never set foot in that “ballpark” again.

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  16. 4-9 in this lineup is pretty bad.

    7-9 is criminal.

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  17. Horace...

    1) Did you inspect the food in the troughs for droppings?

    2) What was the face value of the tickets?

    3) Did you grab several shopping bags worth of Wall Candy and sell them outside the ballpark for half price?

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