Wednesday, November 27, 2024

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner: You face a life-defining challenge. You must rise to it and save the Yankees, save the country, save New York, and save your name in history. You must sign Juan Soto.

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner, 

Have you listened to the Internet lately? They're snickering. They're whispering. They're saying the Mets will sign Juan Soto, that Steve Cohen will brazenly poach the Yankee star and steal his once-future plaque in Monument Park. They're suggesting secondary moves the Yankees can make after Soto is gone, even as those options disappear. (Last night, the Dodgers signed Blake Snell; there is no reason to think they've finished. They are, after all, the Dodgers.)

Sir, you have one pathway to success: You must sign Soto. You must stand up to the bully. You must hold the line. You must match whatever Cohen offers, no matter how uncomfortable you feel. There is no fallback plan. You must win this battle.

If you match the Mets, all things being equal, Soto will stay. 

If you match it, he will stay.

Sir, in everyone's life, there comes one destiny-defining decision. 

Do they run into the burning building, or spend the rest of their lives thinking about those who didn't make it out? 

Do they stand up to the bully, or spend the rest of their lives cowering in fear?

Do they fight to the end, or spend the rest of their lives trying to rewrite the excuses behind their surrender?

Sir, this is your crossroads. This is your decision, your moment. You cannot escape it. This will define you. It will show the world, once and for all, if the Yankees are still the New York Yankees. Or are they just-another floundering, failing NY team, one whose stars can be stolen by a rival. 

There is no Anthony Santander solution. There is no Plan B. Either re-sign Soto or consign the Yankees into the status of just-another-team. From the moment that Soto dons another team's cap, you will have squandered the once-greatest fan base in American sports. That will be your legacy. You will never escape it. You will be the owner who lost the Yankees.

It's like the song you play after every game: 

It's up to you... New York, New York.

Sir, this is it...

22 comments:

  1. Hey Hal.....yeah...you.....

    WHO'S YOUR DADDY???????

    ReplyDelete
  2. Joan Steinbrenner wasn't a bad looking gal way back when.

    ARE WE REALLY SURE HAL IS GEORGE'S KID?

    Weirder things can happen. Like, we sign Soto. That would be one for Ripley's.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Okay, I will take things into my own hands ( No, not that thing!). I intend to chip in and help Hal pay for Soto's contract. Since the off-season, I've been cleaning up by perfecting a great financial strategy. Originally intended to supplement my retirement, I graciously will reallocate all funds to the cause. This method should remain proprietary, but social causes are often bigger than the individual. This is one of those times. My process is below. Feel free to use it and chip in as well.

    https://www.youtube.com/shorts/N9PqWhGgUlE

    ReplyDelete
  4. I just found a photo - sadly, I cannot post it here - of the gardener that George had right before Hal came along. Guess what???? You're onto something, JM.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Carl is right. Can we organize a charity event? What if we all sent or dropped off canned food to the Yankee HQ? It could feed Hal's family.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Even an expired bag of Ritz crackers and a half-gnawed hunk of cheese would help them. I feel the spirit of the season descending on my rotten soul! Praises!

    ReplyDelete
  7. You guys hit on it! The answer here - and why did we never see this before? - is: "Ask not what Hal can do for me, but what I can do for HAL!!!" This is the path to salvation, redemption and poverty! I'm in!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Also, I have been conducting my usual research with the Internet Anagram Server and this is what I have found:

    OLIGARCH = A RICH LOG, GARLIC HO, and GAL CHOIR

    PLUTOCRAT = CORAL PUTT (this is code for Tampa golfing), TARP CLOUT and PATROL CUT (code for outfield)

    STEINBRENNER = BEER RENTS INN, BE SINNER RENT and many others. I know, the Druids are not giving me much one this one.

    HAL STEINBRENNER - This one, on the other hand, yields a lot:
    ENABLER THINNERS
    REHABS INNER LENT
    HERBAL INNER NEST
    BARNS HEEL INTERN

    and many others.

    Last one I’ll do for now before I put away my tin foil dunce cap:

    HALBRIANBOONE - BABOON INHALER (NEED I SAY MORE?), A LINEAR HOBNOB, LABIA BONE NORN, ALOHA BE INBORN, BABOON LIAR HEN….

    And I think the gods have spoken. “HAL BRIAN BOONE” computers to “Baboon Liar Hen.” The only thing now is to correlate the proper word to the proper name. I’ll leave that to you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. How will we be able to tell if Hal S is getting serious about winning?

    A. Fire Cashman

    Is there another "tell"....?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. JoeFOB - hail, fire and locusts. That’s another big tell…

      Delete
    2. Yes - finally cross-dressing as Bernadette Peters in public…

      Delete
  10. Dear Mrr. Duque: I would rather pocket the profits. Your boy, Hal.

    ReplyDelete
  11. If nothing else...DO IT FOR THE WARBLER!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hal has already said that he has ears, and that he hears us. Which, when you think about what's going to happen, now has a rather sinister ring. "Yeah, I hear you suckers, all right. How do ya like them apples? Bwahaha. BWAHAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

    ReplyDelete
  13. We're in
    2024
    2024
    2024
    soon IT'LL be no more
    2024

    (stay tuned for the next hit song,:
    2025!)

    ReplyDelete
  14. And...latest word, from Carlos Baerga—not always the most reliable source, but he says he has it directly—is that Soto is signing with the Mets, in a $700-million deal.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought that this was later debunked. After all - why would anyone especially Soto sign for any less than $800-million

      Delete

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