It is time to elect September YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Ladies and gentlemen...

The nominees are:

Kimberly Jones, utility voice!
John Sterling, WinMageddon!
Ian Kennedy, valiant comeback!
Joba Chamberlain, needs the work!
Jorge Posada, elbows of doom!
Shelley Duncan, the enforcer!
Derek Jeter, looooooooo, who?
Joe Girardi, mastermind!
Michael Kay, center stage with Emeril Lagasse!
Betsy Peluso, director of Human Resources!
Sonia Sotomayor, pitcher!

VOTE... NOW!

AS IF THE PLAYOFFS DEPENDED UPON IT.

Letter to the Editor: Simply shameful

Syracuse Post-Standard
Sept. 29, 2009


To the editor,


I think it’s completely outrageous that Baldwinsville teacher Peter Addabbo could suggest that 4th grader Nathan Johns turn his shirt inside out because he didn’t care for the team displayed. It is an absolutely deplorable example to set as an educator.

You would think a grown adult who works with children would know better than to have single our and bully a 9-year-old because he didn’t support the team.

I work hard to pay taxes that support people like Mr. Addabbo? Simply shameful.

Jessica Kawecki
Brewerton

In tune-up for post-season, John rattles off a 7.27 second WinGasm over Royals

Face it: John could have sleep-called last night's meaningless victory over the Royals, while watching Dancing With the Stars. (NOTE TO SELF: AFTER SEASON, MUST LEAD YANKIVERSE CAMPAIGN TO GET JOHN AS DANCING W/T STARS CONTESTANT) Next week, his calls will count. And yet...

And yet this consumate pro put his million dollar Janis Joplin chops on the line -- as he does every night -- pushing himself beyond the fundamental human capability of WinWarbling.

A 7.27 WinGasm, a WinMageddon, a WinWhatever. We are seeing a Master at work. (NOTE TO SELF: AFTER SEASON, MUST LEAD YANKIVERSE CAMPAIGN TO GET GUINESS BOOK CERTIFICATION FOR ALL-TIME WINWARBLE.)

Listen to this. Could you believe it is the Royals?

The Boston Dirt Dogs Never Let Us Down

The genius of the Boston Dirt Dogs is the way they personify the slobberingly self-righteous id of the Redsock Nation, while pretending to parody it.

It might be that nobody can predict baseball, as a certain announcer tells us, but you sure can predict Redsock fans.

How the East Was Bought.

Ahhh, drink it in.

It's like hearing a cherished golden oldie, a trip down memory lane, a taste of the finest wine. It's like hearing Liza Minelli drunkenly sing "Over the Rainbow," between hiccups, after dedicating the song to the husband she beat with a phone. It's like watching a rerun of "My Mother the Car" and finding a teenage Bill Bixby playing a pizza delivery boy. Ahhhhh, what a treasure. The best things in life are free. Wait... that's not true!

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE BOUGHT.

Letter to the Editor: The teacher should apologize

Syracuse Post-Standard
Sept. 29, 2009

To the Editor:

The story Sept. 25 about Nate Johns, the 9-year-old boy whose teacher made him turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out, is not about sports or fans, it’s about terror and intimidation. I think the teacher believes if he makes an example of young Nate, he will have no more contamination of his pristine Red Sox world.

This 4th grade teacher, Peter Addabbo, should first publicly apologize in front of the entire school, to show him what intimidation and embarrassment are all about.

Secondly, he should be required to get counseling and more training on how to deal with children. Third, I believe young Nate should be transferred to another 4th grade class, because he won’t be able to trust or respect Peter Addabbo, for fear of further intimidation and reprisal.

Finally, the school could consider giving the teacher a couple weeks off with no pay to think about what he has done to Nate’s psyche. I get my expertise from raising three sons of my own.

James Richardson
Weedsport

Letter to the Editor: This is utter nonsense

Syracuse Post-Standard

Sept. 29, 2009

To the Editor:

While driving home Friday afternoon, I heard radio talk show host Jim Reith’s opinion about the so-called incident in the Baldwinsville school district involving a student being made to turn his Yankees T-shirt inside out.

On Sunday, I opened the Opinion section and read Ryan Roman’s offering on this subject. Thank you, young Mr. Roman, for giving us the correct perspective on this ridiculous “incident.”

Mr. Reith’s take was that 9-year-old boys are sensitive to things like this, and that something needed to be done to stop this teacher from scarring this child for life.

My opinion, like Mr. Roman’s, is that this is utter nonsense. The young man involved needed his parents to make him understand that it was just playful banter, not turn it into a media opportunity.

I was reminded by this of an incident I had with a young gym teacher when I was in 4th grade. You may recall his name, as he is the well-known lacrosse coach for Skaneateles, Ron Doctor. He had asked me to stop throwing my football around and I wouldn’t. He told me if I didn’t he would take the ball away. To make a long story short, I didn’t stop so he took the ball, as he said he would.

I was mad, to say the least, and told him I would tell my dad what he had done — to which Coach Doctor replied, go ahead and tell him. You still aren’t getting the ball back.

I went home and told my dad, but instead of him getting mad at Mr. Doctor, he disciplined me for not doing what I was told to do. It was a lesson I never forgot.

My parents used the incident to make me understand that I was supposed to conform to what my teachers wanted, not the other way around. Coach Doctor used the incident to show me that when I was in his class, he was the authority and I was not. Isn’t that the way a classroom environment should be?

By the way, Coach Doctor, if you read this, can I have my ball back now?

Dan Fofi
Baldwinsville

What makes a walk-off win even sweeter?

When it comes off this guy.

Letter to the Editor: Victory

Syracuse Post-Standard
Sept. 29, 2009

To the editor:

I wonder how that 4th grade teacher feels now that our glorious Yankees swept those Boston Red Sox this weekend and clinched the division. Having a hard time understanding how an “adult” felt justified in demanding his young student turn his shirt inside out. Guess that’s why I consider Yankee fans a class above “that other team.”

Ellie Supernault

Charlotte, N.C.

Letter to the Editor: The teacher was wrong

Syracuse Post-Standard
Sept. 29, 2009

To the Editor:

This is in reference to the Baldwinsville teacher and his T-shirt obsession.

In forcing 9-year-old Nathan Johns to reverse his Yankees T-shirt, Peter Addabbo has violated every professional and educational ethic in the book. He’s also guilty of censorship, bad taste, poor judgment and, most seriously, sending the wrong message to the rest of Nathan’s classmates and the entire school population.

Mr. Addabbo, did you think you were being clever? Did you think you were being cute? Did you think there would be no consequences to your juvenile pursuit?

The teacher needs to be reminded that his role, along with teaching a curriculum, is to provide constructive guidelines for behavior. He needs to grow up and act like a responsible adult, not cater to his own adolescent whims.

It would have been outstanding if Nathan had sought clarification or advice from the principal’s office, or perhaps from a favorite teacher. Instead, this 4th grader acted the good student and complied with Mr. Addabbo’s request.

The Baldwinsville school district must respond to this matter harshly. Otherwise, it will send the message that this kind of nonsense will be tolerated.

At least Nathan got some unexpected recognition, and a gift package from the New York Yankees.


Joe Ippolito
Fulton

Now that he's in trouble, an encore from the Book of Joe: Knobbiticus

Now it came to pass in the third summer of his four-annum covenant, a time called 2000, the righteous Yankee warrior Chuck Knoblauch lost his ability to bring direction to the hurl of balls...

Sayers of sooth pondered this omen, and prophets offered solutions. But the more that “Knobby” sought to herd his frantic emissions, the more waxen and leprous his tossings became...

One dusk, Knobby’s errant missile soared so far off course that it nearly slew the mother of Keith Obermann, son of Sevareid, while the matron held a baseline seat. So pocked with guilt was Knobby that the once-great Twin barely could see the outfield through his veil of tears...

Hanging Chad

The smoke has risen from the hollow halls of Rockland County.

Following the stunning news that our dear, close personal friend, mentor, wingman and confidante Pat Abrams is joining the redsock region press corpse, his replacement is literally being brought up from Scranton.

Welcome new Journal-News beat writer, Chad Jennings to the Yankeeerse!

Oh, Rats. Look At Doug Mientkiewicz's Twitter Page Now:

Previously

Now For Some Good News: Today Shelley Duncan Turns Only 30!

Previously

Knobby, No

Chuck Knoblauch accused of hitting, choking his wife

UPDATED: CJ's Life Ruined Again

Previously

UPDATE!  Also, this one:

Watch Scranton fix its quagmire field... LIVE!

LIVE FROM SCRANTON. You asked for it. You wanted it. You deserve it.

Streaming, steaming video of construction workers replacing the Mudpit of Moosic. Will there be a mooning? Coffee break fistfight? Will the foreman give a tongue-lashing? Enjoy the wacky hijinx of burly workmen -- LIVE LIVE LIVE -- from that mythical place that only exists somewhere between Scranton and Wilkes Barre.

ENJOY.

Hear John Bow Before the God that Is Joe Girardi... and then make a critical point about the nature of winning

Encore Poem for October

First published here last month...

Just so it's said...

Teixiera is a god to me,
He needs to be the MVP.
But if he wins no Series ring,
He won't have won a goddamm thing.

This could be Jeter's finest year,
Best season in his great career.
But if he gains no Series ring,
It will not mean a goddamm thing.

I still recall Scott Brosius' clout,
To save us from our final out.
But we then took no Series ring.
It did not mean a goddamm thing.

We've shut down Papi, J.D. Drew,
Defeated Lester, Beckett, too,
But if there is no Series ring,
Those wins weren't worth a goddamm thing.

So hear now, loudly, autumn's call,
Which beckons to us, every fall:
"IF YOU DON'T WIN THAT SERIES RING,
"DON'T BOTHER COMING BACK NEXT SPRING!"

The Sterling 2nd Half Index

As noted Yankeeologist Dr. Albert Einstein once said, "Baby, de' chalkboard don't lie."

We are witnessing the classic playoff run, the tortured climb of Mount Utica, the 1,000-mile cattle drive to the gates of West Palm Beach, the march of the wooden soldier.

Only six times since July has John failed to beat his first half average. Twice, he used performance enhancing phrases -- once, to record a Boston series sweep with a 7.73 blast; and Sunday, with a pennant-clinching 11.58-second roll that is still being digested within the scholarly confines and digital laboratories of the Yankiverse.

It's hard to imagine that just three months ago, critics openly questioned whether John had the lungs to still call nine innings. A Taliban-run society might have pulled him from the Loews Broadcast Booth and hung his tongue from the centerfield scoreboard. No, he never did find a HR call for Jerry Hairston, who graciously chose not to hit home runs. But John has proven his doubters wrong.

This could be not only John's greatest season, but the greatest home team announcer season in history. He is the Lou Gehrig of Yankee voices. His love and admiration of Derek Jeter outshines Mel Allen's heartfelt lust for Mickey Mantle. But danger lurks: It was Mel who couldn't handle the staggering Yankee defeat of 1963, when the Drysdale-Koufax death machine cut down our boys, and Mel called in sick, unable to speak in the final innings of Game 4.

John survived the collapse of 2004. He can survive anything. It's written in the chart.

Pete Abe's move, from the perspective of a beanball

"Mostly, I’m looking forward to him playing on the Boston media team in our annual home-and-home baseball games,” Feinsand said. “If I have a chance to take him out with a hard slide, I’m doing it. Don’t be surprised to see Tyler Kepner put one in his ribs, either.”

Uh-oh.

Leisure lit mag scores John 26.5 on rogue 35-point scale

Hard-working Yankeeolgists at the hoity-toity, too-glossy-for-the-catbox New York magazine have John's WinWarbs under the microscope. We formally dispute their 35-point scale: The man needs at least a 50-point scale, but - hey - they're asking essential questions.

Check out their take on the current WinWarble controversy:

"A Hall of Fame performance, really... Using our unscientific method of just listening, Sterling really outdid himself; his voice nearly gives out at the end of the word 'the.'

"We'd like to point out that, technically, "Eastern Division in 2009 over!" doesn't make sense. The division itself didn't cease to exist yesterday. None of the teams were disbanded until 2010 or anything."

Five keys to tonight's big game against the Royals!

1. Get out in front early! Don't fall behind! These guys will want to take us out with an early punch! Don't let em!

2. Flash some leather! De-fense! Let's show 'em who's boss!

3. Get in their faces! They wanna fight! Goddammot, we'll fight! We're not backing down to nobody! You hear, mutherfuggers? Nobody!

4. Swing the bat! You won't knock the pitcher out with the weapon on your shoulder! Dagnabbit, swing away!

5. Nobody play. Absolutely, no starter plays. Understand? No-bod-ee.

If John's 11:58 WinWarble had not been enhanced, it would STILL have set an all-time record

The question of whether John Sterling's tainted 11.58-second WinWarble is authentic has taken on a new wrinkle.

Through the miracle of digital technology, we have been able to take out the extra words in yesterday's WinWarble. HE STILL BLEW AN 8.13 SECOND WARBLE!

THAT'S AN ALL-TIME RECORD, 0.11 SECONDS OVER THE PREVIOUS MARK.

The question remains: IS THIS A VALID WARBLE? DOES IT COUNT IF HE TAKES AN EXTRA BREATH?

HERE IT IS...

John & Suzyn face THE SCREAMER

The frustration of being the Voice of the Yankees, driven by Jeep, is seldom so painfully illustrated as it was last night in the eighth inning.

Sign of what's to come?

Five reasons to enjoy what we have... and to worry

1. Whichever team we play -- Detroit or Minnesota -- will have gone to the wire in a pennant race, and they will be hot. They will be the only post-season team that was playing hard at the end.

2. In a five-game series, the home field advantage is vastly overrated. You must play pivotal games 3 and 4 in their park. If you win at home and lose away, that means you go into Game 5 with their team surging.

3. Though Mariano got saves this weekend, he was tested each time, with game-tying runners in scoring position. The Redsocks were not intimidated.

4. If we face Detroit, it's Justin Verlander in Game 1 and possibly Game 4.

5. The football Giants are dominating. We never seem to play well when the Giants win.

WINMAGEDDON: Using verbal enhancements, John hits incredible 11.58 second WinWarble, but will it stand?

BREAKING: John Sterling today set a new World WinWarble mark, splattering all over his previous record of 8.02 seconds by more than three whole seconds. However, the remarkable 11.58-second warble -- technically, classified as a WinMageddon -- will be debated by Yankeeologists for years. The reason: The use of artificial verbal enhancements to elongate the Warbling effect.

IS THIS THE LONGEST WINWARBLE IN HISTORY? Or a sign that the game of baseball is losing its integrity?

Start spreading the news

I'm leaving today

I want to be a part of it -


New York, New York

These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray

Right through the very heart of it -

New York, New York
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps



And find I'm A-number one 


top of the list, king of the hill
A-number one

These little town blues, are melting away

I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old New York

And if I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere
It's up to you -

NEW YORK, NEW YORRRRRRRRK...

Letter to the Editor: Buffalo speaks

Buffalo News
September 20, 2009

Dear Editor,

As a sports fan since 1968, it has been a pleasure, especially as a Yankees fan, to witness perhaps the most classy, dignified and well-spoken athlete in history in shortstop Derek Jeter.

Since 1996, Jeter has just about seen and won every award imaginable . . . All-Star MVP, Rookie of the Year, World Series MVP. Many consider him the 2009 AL MVP, something that wrongly eluded him in 1999 and 2006. Toss in playoff appearances every year but 2008, and four World Series rings to possibly cap off a brilliant career. He recently passed Lou Gehrig as the all-time Yankees hit leader.

Teammates, foes, and ex-manager Joe Torre rave about the way he always carried himself on and off the field. He is always gracious in defeat and shows respect to all involved in this great game. Nothing should startle us anymore when big names are revealed about steroid and HGH usage, but one name that I am confident will never appear on the list is Jeter.

Jeter, not only a great clutch hitter, sure Hall of Famer and a player who even the most hard-core Yankees haters can honestly admit they had admired for his skill and personality, and could only dream of having a life of such success and humbleness to match.

Joseph V. Zanghi
Buffalo
***

Letter to the Editor: No more fighting

Windsor Star (Ontario)
September 25, 2009

Dear Editor,

In a lot of sports these days, violence is getting out of hand, especially baseball. When a pitcher throws a pitch and hits the batter, or goes behind the batter, it sometimes causes arguments or brawls. For example, Sept. 15, the Toronto Blue Jays came to play the New York Yankees. Jesse Carlson had thrown behind Jorge Posada, who later elbowed him while crossing the plate.

In the end, the Yankees' manager got a bloody ear and pitcher Jesse Carlson got a purple welt on his forehead. When the team is doing really well, the last thing you want to see is fighting or arguing, it could lead to a suspension.

SUNNY PATEL

Windsor

Note to Pete Abe: Next year, don't drink Shaughny's Kool-Aid

Maybe it's the dying newspaper, maybe it's the economy, maybe it's the French perfume worn by Redsock owner John Henry's wife, Buffy the Vampire Marrier, but Boston superwag Dan Shaughnessy -- aka the male version of Maureen Dowd -- has finally learned to put on a tight sweater, climb onto the dugout roof and lead the hometown cheers.

In today's Globule, he lays out the surest proof to date that 30 years of drinking can pickle judgement, if not the judge. His column, in four words:

The Redsocks weren't trying.

Nope. Too smart. They outwitted us. Again. Ha ha. So there.

Says the bard of Daniel Bard:

"The Yankees are going wall to wall to clinch the division (magic number 1) and the best record in the American League, ASAP.

"The Red Sox, meanwhile, are using these final days to get some rest and tune up for the playoffs.

"The Sox are going to win the wild card. They are not going to challenge the Yankees for home-field advantage. Let Girardi wear his guys out. The Sox are getting ready for the playoffs. Call it Tito’s rope-a-dope."

He's right about one thing. Tito sure has found a dope.

Listen: Here were the Yanks yesterday, sitting Jorge and throwing pitchers on extra days' rest, awakening from a two-week sleepwalk. During that period, Boston surged the troops in Iraq, slapping around the O's as if they were St. Mary School for Quadroplegics, and shouting that -- hell, there could be an AL East pennant race after all! Yep, they only needed a sweep in New York! Then we'd see.

Well, that's one tent that folded. Shaughny's been a great columnist, and a guy can have an off-day. But when Shaughn of the Dead opens a bottle, by this stage, he should be able to tell the difference between whiskey and drivel.

If you're scoring at home: 6.69 seconds

John's Saturday evening WinWarble clocks in at 6.69.

Here's the Boston series thus far:

John rides the roller coaster

So many emotions, so little time. Too quick. Too quick.

.

Was that really a victory over Boston? John's WinWarb: 6.16 seconds

He has to be saving himself for the clincher. It's like Joba on a pitch count. (But we know how THAT worked.)

Yanks announce new promotion for tonight's game

First 18,000 fans get to steal a base off Jason Varitek


(ba-dum BUMP)

If John were granted one wish, he would be changed into Minka Kelly

A child shall lead them

Maybe there is justice after all.

The Yankees are sending a gift package to a Baldwinsville fourth-grader who was told by a teacher he had to wear his Yankee’s shirt inside out.

Central New York Yankee fans sent a Post-Standard article about the fourth-grader to the Yankees Friday, said Robert Bernstein, manager of special events, alumni services and fan services for the Yankees. Other fans called the Yankees to see what the team could do, he said.

The team plans to send Nate a gift package. Bernstein declined to say what they would send, adding they would like it to be a surprise.

The Baldwinsville School District is looking into the complaint the family made about what they said happened in the classroom on Wednesday.

“We are investigating,” said Superintendent Jeanne Dangle Friday. “This is a personnel issue, and we will be following up and doing what’s appropriate after we get all the information.”

We know the guy needs: Five minutes in a room with Alphonso. Five minutes. That's all it'll take. Ever hear the sound of bones shattering? The wail of a tongue pulled out by the roots? Five minutes.

Varitek: "MLB Should Adopt San Marcos Youth Baseball-Softball Association Local Rule 12," Which Prohibits Leading Off And Steals

Varitek (pictured above last Christmas), has given up five stolen bases through six innings.

Clay Buchholtz as Fire Marshall Bill

Wish I thought of this. Bravo.

It is time for take nominations for September Yankee Employee of the Month

Yankiverse, the time draws near to select from the population of the World's Greatest Sports Entity one lone person, one lone employee, on soul who can wear the distinction -- all the way to his or her grave -- of having been YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

I call upon each of you to stare wide-eyed into the jaws of hell that is your beating heart and come up with one name, one person, one Yankee employee, who deserves to be considered for this august honor. Even in September.

I also urge you to reject the dogma that a "curse" exists for such a distinction. We do not believe in curses. We do not believe in ghosts. We do not believe in the Loch Ness monster. We do not believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.

We must not yield to the forces of insipidipity!

YANKIVERSE, IT IS TIME
TO NOMINATE THE CANDIDATES
FOR YOUR SEPTEMBER
YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

Sports Illustrated calls for jihad against Yankees

OK, folks, the final 2009 script has been proofed and sent to the printers.

It stars the lovable Detroit Tigers, who are facing the evil villains from the East. Us. The bad guys. Yes, in the minds of Sports Illustrated readers everywhere, America's Cinderella Tigers -- representing The City that Money Forgot -- will face off against the ruthless Satans of Wall Street. Us.

You know who's really going to take this to heart? Joe Buck. Face it, folks. He is not going to give us any calls at home plate. A ball, outside? Sure looked like a strike. Ball the line? Foul. And God help us all if the umps make a mistake that helps Girardi's Germs of Pure Evil.

Face it, Yankiverse. We'll play the bad guys, the Snidely Whiplashes, the Magnetos, the Draculas who sucked CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett and Mark Teixtiera from the small market teams -- you know: California and Boston -- that sought to lovingly lowball them. By game three of the opening round, we'll be the most hated collection of masculinity since -- well -- the current Dallas Cowboys, (but that's an unfair comparison, because last time I checked, even George Steinbrenner hadn't come up with the idea of selling 30,000 tickets to people who can't even see the game, and then trying to woo them with cage dancers. Now THAT'S evil. But Sports Illustrated seemed to like it, didn't they?)

Expect an ugly post-season. And keep this in mind: We have one option: Win.

Why We Fight

And the other kids made fun of Nathan Garrett all day for having an inside-out t-shirt. Plus, the teacher gets to display his stupid Red Sox stuff all over the classroom.  It's not fair. Full story here.

Tonight, let's win one for Nathan and for free speech.

Yankeetorial: Tonight, we eat lobster

Ladies and gentlemen, start your forks.

Gather ye to the table, and fill your tumblers with spirits, because we're done playing with our succotash and jumping beans, we're not building any more replicas of Devil's Tower with our mashed potatoes, we're not pouring ketchup on any more goose-eggs, and we're no more crow...

Tonight, we fill our bellies with the butter-slabbed meat from our enemy's loins...

Tonight, we moisten our napkins with the clam broth that flows through our rival's bloodstem...

Tonight, New England lobster, with a side of Coby beef.

Tonight, our scantily clad waitress -- Terri -- will bend over our table as she fills our glass and takes our order from the laminated menu, while the mobile musician -- playing a yuke -- fills the air with kind words and melodies of yesteryear, pre-2004.

Tonight, we eat well.

Let the Orioles, Royals and the entire National League dine on pork and beans.

Tonight. Fill your plate. Tuck in your bib. Sharpen your steak knife. Bring your appetite. We eat fresh.

Ian Kennedy Has Proven Us Wrong

Many of you know that I have been critical, from time to time,

of Ian Kennedy's pitching prowess.

True, I predicted he would never win a game for the Yankees,

but that is not as harsh as it appears.

In any case, I thrilled to his performance in yesterday's game

vs. the dreaded angels of Aneheim, or Santa Monica, or wherever they hang.

Simply stated, this was Ian's best performance ever as a Yankee pitcher.

He only gave up two walks and hit one batter in his inning of work. And

while some may suggest that as a future starter, such an outing could put

the team at some risk, I say it is the best Ian has got.

He gave up no runs and pitched a no-hitter in this 2009 debut.

Consequently, I award him the "Star Diamond Award " for his performance,

a standard of excellence normally reserved for only bell-hops and check-in

personnel at Motel 6 franchises.

Congratulations, Ian.

I hereby eat crow.

A scientific inquiry into the WinWarble

Leitch & Delessio -- the Lennon & McCartney of jockpop -- have turned their journalistic electron microscopes upon Rudimentary WinWarble Analysis.

They give us a nice bump but, sadly, are incorporating the outdated 35-point scale of Sterling WinWarble analysis, a protocol universally discredited last November at the International WinWarble Conference in Zurich.

Insert sigh. What can you say? Everybody recognizes the need for a more detailed analysis, at least a 50-point scale, in the Spinal Tapesque measurement of sound, but -- hey -- Old School is Old School, and everybody knows that these sportswriters, with their plaid pants, Glenn Beck haircuts and fanny packs -- and those are the females -- take shortcuts the way Paula Abdul takes Zolof.

Insert headshake. Grading Sterling on a 35-point scale? That's ridiculous. THE MASTER NEEDS AT LEAST A 50-POINT SCALE! At times, we shake our painted sticks at the media and ask, what is it thinking? A 35 point scale? WHAT IF HE GRADES 36?

Coming soon, this weekend, maybe tomorrow, the long-awaited STERLING INDEX for the season's second half. If the big-brain computer projections in Zurich were correct, The Master's post-All Star-break WinWarb average could land in the neighborhood of 660s, preparing him to shoot for the magical 700s -- WinGasm territory -- in the playoffs.

Nobody has ever scored back to back, belly to belly, WinGasms.

The Yankee Radio Network, driven by Jeep, might not be ready.

Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh end is near?

John's call: 6.30 seconds -- but ardent, yes, ardent... and very sincere

John's final regular season WinWarble in California explodes with heartfelt gusto, seemingly on its way to 7.00 seconds, then loses salt, as the diaphragm seems to give out. Still, we're hearing a solid, emo-Warb, 6.30 seconds, and the playoffs loom.

IN THE PLAYOFFS, WE WILL EXPECT 7.00PLUS WINGASMS.

For now, though, feel the joy...

How did John describe the arrival of Ian Kennedy? The F Word

OK, who out there predicted that Ian Kennedy would return from a spaghetti vein to become the Bridge to Mariano? Class? Anybody?

Because that's what happened today against the Anaheim Angels of California.

We just took two out of three from our nemesis.

And you know what means?

It means... TURN IT UP!

John experiences a mysterious paranormal sense that he has been in Anaheim before and watched a lead disappear

Spooky. Plus, he rhymes.

Frustrated Schilling Supporter: "Nothing Will Ever Top The Reserection Of Jesus Christ!"

Doug, New Jersey is mad as hell! And he's not afraid to leave a comment to that effect on CNN's story about great Red Sox hero Curt Schilling forgetting to run for the Senate! I could try to paraphrase, but Doug says It All so much better than I ever could:

[Click to enlarge]

Congrats to Tampa on winning AL East Bronze Medal

Lost in the excitment of the Wild Card race, the Rays,
formerly the Devil Rays,
deserve to celebrate this masterful achievement.

Everybody, wherever you are, please join in:

Hon joo, Rays!

Wow. Just when you thought John Henry's blog couldn't satisfy more: "A Week in the Life of Executive Vice President Sam Kennedy"

You'll want to gather the family together and read this aloud. The Master speaks...

"From time to time, I’ll present a series of insider views designed to give you a look apart from my limited perspective – a look behind the scenes from the people who make our organizations what they are. This week, Sam Kennedy, executive vice president of the Boston Red Sox and president of Fenway Sports Group, gives you his unique perspective on last week."

Highlights from Sam:

ON SEPT. 11:

"While the eighth anniversary of 9/11 put some things perspective, as a Red Sox employee and fan, I had the feeling Boston was barely alive even though it was two games up in the wild-card race."

A CRITICAL MOMENT:

"Jonathan Gilula popped his head into my office and said, 'It’s going to be a long weekend. We’ve got weather.'"

MIRTH OF A NATION:

"When Larry asked our new general counsel for his observations on the meeting, he said, “I can’t believe how close this group is. It is absolutely incredible how you finish each others sentences.”
He was right. Larry has assembled a team whose members know each other inside and out."

INSIDE SAM KENNEDY:

"Later, Mike Scioscia couldn’t believe what he was watching as Nick Green limped to first base and Alex Gonzalez’s bloop sealed another magical night at Fenway. I asked myself, “Which clients should we take to Anaheim for the ALDS?'"

Wild Card WinWarble prompts unSterlinglike sigh of Relief

Last night's Warb clocked in at a Springsteenesque 6.46 seconds, followed by a comment from the Sterlbermench.

In another year, the clinching of the prestigious AL Wild Card would have prompted John to commemorate the moment within the Warb. Not this time. We are a team on a mission. He is a Voice, driven by Jeep, on a mission.

This Warb should be required listening to all Yankeeologists who someday seek to study Rudimentary Sterlingtonian Thought.

Yankees Clinch Vaunted 2009 AL Wild Card Belt

Greetings, Pinstriped Comrades of Secret Yankiverse World!

Hero Team Unit has secured entrance to Fall Joust Festival, fulfilling Fearless Leader Son nicotine-influenced promise that this year better than last year, which remembered as stinking carcass.

All previous word verb comparisons to 2008 Met Bastard Cowards are hereby disappear from official text record!

Until further notice, operative cell leaders Jeet and Tex, with fanbase agents, shall continue blog deceit Master Plan: Operation Fenway Chaos.

So we get this guy, Freddy Guzman, and they say, "He's the next Dave Roberts!" And everybody's thinking, let's put him in and see if it's true...

... Because frankly, if he's the next Dave Roberts, he's a pinch runner who cannot be stopped. He's the guy who steals second when everybody knows he's going to run. And in the big series -- you know, like the one where Dave Roberts killed us? -- it sure would be nice to have a guy who can steal at any time.

So we get Freddy Guzman, who is supposed to Mr. Unstoppable on the basepaths, in early September, and I'm thinking, "I can't wait to see this guy steal second."

That was three weeks ago.

He hasn't tried. Not once.

Yeah, we do have Brett Gardner, but he might be in CF, which means if Jorge gets on in the 9th, well, could we have had the next Dave Roberts or not?

Liberal Soto To Throw Out The First Fetus

I mean, pitch.