Kei Igawa, hop
Bartolo Colon, water for elephants
Freddy Garcia, win win
Kevin Millwood, sucker punch
John Sterling, scream 4
Jorge Vazquez, atlas shrugged
Gustavo Molina, i am number four
Derek Jeter, arthur
Who else?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Box seats & suites going fast for epic Yankee Stadium show with Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth and Metallica
Book your corporate suites now, gamers, because HELL is coming to the House that JUDAS Built!
WTF? Yankee fans, it's your chance to see the real band behind Mariano's love theme! Plus, you'll see Rudy "The Unforgiven" Giuliani in his famous front row seat. And the guy down front, with his bitch on his shoulders, flicking her pod -- that's Hank Steinbrenner!
And don't forget the Yankee Stadium disco lounge: You better believe the Goldman-Sachs luxury box will be bumping up and down! With special host John Sterling, adapting Metallica deathriffs to Yankee homerun calls. "ENTER GRANDYMAN." As for the finale: Athrax will feature singers Suzyn Waldman and Marilyn Manson for a jam medley of "Damn Yankees" show tunes!
Be there... or be DEAD.
News from Upstate Yankee Country: Mystery Creature Terrorizes City
The end is near.
Rochester homeowner Gwen Byrd is scared to go into parts of her own home in the dark. She says a frightening-looking animal has been under her porch all winter long and may have dug a tunnel through the walls of her house.
The rodent-like animal is wrinkled, hairless and "walks like a dog." And it has lived there for at least two years.
Wrinkled, hairless, walks like a dog, and makes tunnels. Hmmm. Alphonso?
We All Know When This Game Was Over
The Yanks were down 3-2 in the bottom of the fifth.Through blind luck, and an
ill-timed ( for them ) Toronto error, the Yankees had the bases loaded, no one out, and Tex and A-Rod due up.
Tex pops to short left and a great play is made by the Toronto SS, holding Gardner at third.
A-Rod bangs into double play.
Inning over. Game over.
One thing about this Yankee team lately, they score early and that's it.
They go to sleep on offense. They don't score late. They don't come
back.
Not in close games.
And how many games back is Boston now?
"O Captain, My Captain," by Walt "No Neck" Whitman
O CAPTAIN! my Captain!
our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather'd every crack,
thy pennant prizes won;
The end is near, the bells I hear,
the bleacher crowd exulting,
Pettitte's gone, Mo's saves are down,
Posada's bat is melting:
But O heart! heart! heart!
O, these aching pains of war!
Where on the deck my Captain waits
Going oh for four.
O Captain! my Captain!
for you, there is no blame;
We rise and scream in rapture
when Bob Shepard calls your name;
For you, bouquets and August days;
our fondest, greatest player;
For you, we form a swaying mass,
recalling Jeffrey Maier;
Dear CAP-I-TAN! O, CAP-I-TAN!
John Sterling's voice doth roar!
But it's no dream you stand on deck,
Going oh for four.
My Captain does not answer;
his strike zone head to belly;
No vision seems to stir thy pulse,
aside from Minka Kelly;
Thy plaque is there in Cooperstown,
"Our Greatest Yank," it says;
And yet, we yearn to see
Girardi play Edward Nunez.
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with hope no more,
Watch on deck, my Captain sigh,
Going oh for four.
Friday, April 29, 2011
You Know How Bad My Swing Looks-- Well It Feels Just As Bad.
April 27th was the anniversary of Babe Ruth Day at the stadium
Hallelujah! The NFL draft runs three nights in primetime, so we can watch six hours of commercial crapola in the middle of a labor dispute
The draft. Shoot me. Worst part is these breathless clowns who flitter about in complete denial of the fact that owners and players are in a mudwrestling dispute that, in comparison, would make Alfred E. Newman vs. Homer Simpson look like the Lincoln-Douglas debates. That's right, folks -- it's THE LOCKOUTS vs. THE HOLDOUTS. Who will win? Should we care? And we're supposed to watch? We're supposed to validate this criminal greed-fest?
Yeeesh. We get on Bud Selig's case a lot. (As well we should.) But this crap makes the MLB All-Star Home Run Derby look like the last episode of MASH. Where's that show where the washed-up celebrities relive their ghost experiences? At least that show has a little taste and integrity, while they trade remembrances of their favorite aunt for a last snatch of network face-time. (And mark my words: Sometime soon, somebody's going to see a ghostly vision of Bob Barker!)
Screw the NFL. Turnabout is fair play. No?
Those That Kick A Guy When He's Down
4. Friday eMailbag
When I wrote, in regards to Derek Jeter's tiff with Alex Rodriguez, "You mean 'Captain' is supposed to mean something in sports?" Subscriber R.M. wrote, "Maybe it would mean something if it was a title given by the teammates as opposed to bestowed by the owner."
Len seems to carefully gauge the fair-weather mood of fickle sports' fans as a GPS to plant his tongue in the right warm spot. Current case in point with the new biography that points to the Captain's flaws. Yes, Derek is not the god we would like him to be and yes he's looking pretty bad so far this year. But let's not forget all that he is done and let's not forget that no mater how poorly he's slumped in the past he's always one of the first on the field to congratulate and encourage his teammates.
Does John have a 10-run "Mercy Rule" for THUHs?
The THUH Project now stands at 14.
But listen to the two disgraceful THUHs that punctuated Yankee blowouts. (The second came last night; it's pathetic, an insult.)
Judge for yourself.
But listen to the two disgraceful THUHs that punctuated Yankee blowouts. (The second came last night; it's pathetic, an insult.)
Judge for yourself.
Knowing Millwood is on the way, Yank woods explode against tough Chisox
KM. Kate Middleton. Kevin Millwood. Coincidence?
THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES.
Today, Yankee fieldmaster Joey G and superbrain Cashman are looking at a bizarre bomber rotation: Sabathia, Burnett, Nova, Garcia, Colon... Our best pitchers have been the last two.
But none will lose their job to Millwood. He would replace Buddy Carlyle or the Pendleton guy -- (let's call them Buddy Pendleton.) Sure, we all love no-name underdogs. But which of the three is most likely to stick?
Last night, in the Daily News fifth, Mark Findspam suggested that the Millman is hardly impressing the scouts of Scranton. Of course, he isn't. Nobody looks good when he surrenders 6 runs in two innings.
But write this down:
It's a gawdawful, gadamm long season, gadamnit. Phil Hughes might not throw another pitch. Colon and Garcia are not Koufax and Drysdale. Sori might be a bust, Joba is still Joba, and Buddy Pendleton is not the Bridge. We need arms. We need bodies. We need guile. Like it or not, we need to take a flier on Millwood. Yep, maybe he's done. But maybe he's not. We need to roll those dice. This pitching staff is on thin ice.
Tonight, Kate Middleton will be closing her eyes and thinking of England.
Tonight, the Yankiverse must close its eyes and think of Millwood.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Let's hope Kate Middleton gets the kind of wood Kevin Millwood delivered tonight in Scranton
Two innings. Six earned runs.
In the second, Kevin Millwood strikes out the side... but with minor problems
Gulp.
After one inning, Kevin Millwood twirling 2-hitter
He's holding the Charlotte Whatevers to only one run.
(Just struck out the always-tough Lastings Millege, too!)
How much mill wood would Millwood mill if Millwood would mill wood?
(Just struck out the always-tough Lastings Millege, too!)
How much mill wood would Millwood mill if Millwood would mill wood?
RAGE IN BALTIMORE
Regarding the recent death of former mayor and Maryland governor William Donald Schaefer, a Baltimore Sun reader writes:
A beloved mayor of Baltimore is gone, and the city, state and people he cared about are poised to honor him over a three-day period.With all that in the offing, the best The Sun can do is feature a photo of a Yankees fan in front of Mr. Schaefer's statue?I think the man would have hated it.Nancy Cantville, Eldersburg
Millwood, Scott, finish assignments tonight in Scranton
While he's throwing his last game in the real Scranton, the fictional Scranton will be saying goodbye to Michael Scott. Coincidence? Or as John would say, "co-ink-e-dink?
IAATMS: WRONG ON MILLWOOD, WRONG ON THE FUTURE
After our IIHIIFIIc, they have the best abbreviation -- IIATMS -- in the Yankiverse. We read them every day. Everyone should. Obama should. They are comprehensive, well researched, well written, succinct, brief and entertaining. If the Nobel Prize were given for Yankee blogging, they would be finalists, if not recipients!
However... on the subject of Kevin Millwood, they are drunken, dumbass, oatmeal-for-brains, tweed-shirted drone-louts, who should be stuffed in a bottle and set out with the Sarasota red tide. They know nothing, NOTHING, about baseball, life, Kevin Millwood and justice. Nothing.
Yankeetorial: Phil Franchise may be going away, and it's all about sperm count
Phil may have a rare circulatory condition. If so, he's done until next spring. Some come back. Some don't. This is why clubs horde young pitchers. They're like spermatozoa. For every 10,000, only one has the speed and guile to reach that magical strike zone and impregnate the catcher's warm mitt.
Let's remember a few tidbits about Hughes:
Back when he was a super-prospect, the knock was his fragility. In the bullshit prospect "rankings," his score fell because "scouts" - re: fan bloggers - questioned his durability over a full season. One reason Minnesota wanted Hughes and Joba for the washed-up tub known as Johann Santana: Phil's medical record, which would put a smile on the face of any personal injury lawyer.
Sunday Is Millwood Day, Is It Also Deadwood Day?
Trump demands to see Bartolo Colon's birth certificate
"He's hiding somethng," the millionaire real estate heir said. "Whatever it is, it's time to come clean. The guy's built like Rosie O'Donnell. He's throwing 95? No way! Bartolo, you're fired!"
Colon's birth certificate - if it exists, would say May 24, 1973, Altamira, Puerto Plata, of the Dominican Republic. But last night, following his 8-inning victory over Chicago, Colon did not make the document readily available to reporters, and Trump is firing away.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Doomsday Mo: The Poem
And home run sluggers head to jail,
When rioting confronts Iran,
And bankers grow too big to fail,
When Presidents must prove their birth,
From fools who claim they don't belong,
While tides of hatred roil the Earth.
And all the world seems going wrong.
When cresting rivers flood our land,
And cemetaries fill with graves,
We'll know it's time to make our stand...
When Mariano blows two saves.
Sunday is Millwood Day
Under the terms of a hastily-written March contract, at midnight May 1, Millwood will sprout the wings of free agency and begin to fly, if he has not been assigned a Yankee uniform number -- (is 3 taken?) -- and has not begun to devour innings the way our family dog does deer-turds.
This, in case you haven't noticed, is a Kevin Millwood stalker site.
We live Millwood.
We breathe Millwood.
That makes Sunday the most important day ever.
Millwood Day. Plan to celebrate. We will have special festivities all day long!
Suggested nickname for Rafael Soriano, based on last night's outcome
The Lilly Bridge.
(get it? Scott Lillibridge?
Hey, they're not always gems.)
(get it? Scott Lillibridge?
Hey, they're not always gems.)
Whose Sori Now, We're Sorry Now
Whose hearts are achin' as he's breakin' his vows
Who's sad and blue, who's cryin' too
Just like we cried over Joba's boo boos
Right to the end just like a friend
Alph tried to warn us somehow
Randy had his way, now we must pay
12 mill and a pick, kapow!
We're sad and we're sorry now
Is Sori looking to see whether he'll get the same crotch crowning as his overly generous sponsor Randy or is he looking for more excuses
Yankee Offense
The car is old and the odometer reads, 186,454 miles.It really should only be used to drive the 2.5 miles to the train station.
But the Cashman's are still driving it all over the country.
No wonder it needs some attention from time to time.
This is getting to be too familiar a site.
John's Takeaway Points from Last Night's Debacle
2. The unanswered question: Are Floyd and Humber really that good, or are the Yankees just not hitting? Until we know the answer, no lead is safe and secure, and to keep your family safe and secure, visit New York Life. For more than 60 years, New York Life has been keeping families safe and secure. That's New York Life... the company you keep.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
John's call: "Gardner PLANTS one!"
ORIGIN: This apparently touches upon the physical act of a gardener (as per Gardner's name) in planting a seed. Sadly, it draws no distinction between a flower garden or a vegetable garden. It does not paint a picture of the gardener, bent over the earth, arching his back and groaning as he sets the seed into nature's fertile hole.
SCORE: On the Sterling Scale of Showmanship, it would rate a C+. Unfortuately, it sounds too much like the (extremely sexual) "Georgie juices one" to rate higher.
Bingotown grad sells Yankee luxo-suites to scum-sucking rich
She's the Legends Suite Lady at the House that Rudy Built.
And she owes it to her old schoolpen just past the Applebees and car dealerships along Vestal Parkway: SUNY BEE.
"At Binghamton, I was able to hone my skills, and I had some great mentors there," Barre says, in a promotional story for SUNY B.
Good to know we've broken George's old Ohio State/Ithaca College pipeline.
Derek: I Don't Want To Fake It With You
Really reaching out for 3rd base side?
I may be at the end of my rainbow
But, baby here goes.
The best babes don't just go for guys who go deep
I haven't wasted bucks on ex-wives, so I have more to keep
And if you're wond'ring
If these lyrics can't get fixed
I never tried to fake it with Alex
News from Upstate Yankee Country: Two New Members!
10 Reasons why MLB should have chosen THIS man to lead the Dodgers
2. Carries birth certificate everywhere (required to purchase alcohol.)
3. Would have team play simultaneously in San Francisco and San Diego.
4. Would appoint Stump Merrill to head managerial search committee.
5. Would hire new manager Stump Merrill!
6. Can supply each player with snappy nickname.
7. Would appear unannounced at team meeting to serve turkey dinner.
8. Goes on vacation between June and September.
9. Shows players how to duck beanball shoes.
10. Flies pennant flag saying, "Mission Accomplished," on May 21.
Phil Hughes: Meet Dr. Andrews
So now it begins.First, we lose Kei Igawa to the tragedy of Japan and then the tragedy of Trenton.
Before that, we lost Andy Pettitte for the year. He knew, didn't he?
Then we lose that singer from the Mets, Jose Feliciano, from over-use which the Yankees resource development department did not notice. I guess it is fair to say that due diligence by the Yankees for $9.1 million ( 3 year ) contracts is like monitoring Blackwater spending in Iraq.
And, please note; he was to be our premier lefty out of the bullpen. Not Boone Logan who, it turns out, gets righties out better than the designated lefty per game he is paid to get out.
Now gird yourselves for Phil Hughes to become Chin Ming Wong of 2011. One great season ( 18 wins last year ) followed by visits to Dr. Andrews in Birmingham; followed by the knife and a year or two of re-hab ( followed by a new contract); followed by more failure and a trade to the Nationals for a 33 year-old outfielder with a career BA of .168.
Phil Hughes was the one starter we never questioned during spring training. A stable, dependable guy whom we could pencil in every 4-5 days. Not the vacant, starting pitching hole(s) now filled by Freddy and Bartolo. Luckily we can soon turn to Kevin Millwood as our fifth starter.
Add to that; Jorge again hitting into rally killing double plays; Derek getting infield hits and saved from an error per game on great picks by Tex; slow starts by Swisher ( longest stretch of games in his career without a single HR) and, dare I say, Brett Gardner?
I won't even mention that 1000 yard stare I am starting to recognize from MO after his second straight blown save, at age 41. I know, he has a period like this every year. This is also not the time to comment upon the silent, wacko and mysteriously "unavailable" Soriano.
Nor will I mention the total flops of Jesus, Romine, the three B's, and the failure to recognize that Javy Vasquez is the best hitter we have, south of A-rod, Cano, Tex and Grandy.
And what is our lead over Boston today?
The fall of Rome begins.
John's Takeaway Points from Night of Hell
2. AJ was the tough-luck loser, having pitched his best game all season. That's a ray of hope to Yankee fans. If AJ is back to the way he was in 2009, he's going to win his share of ballgames.
3. Some nights, a pitcher has everything going for him, and that was the case with Philip Humber. Everything was going right for him.
4. That was a big run in the ninth scored by Chicago to make it a 2-run ballgame, and it started with a little pop fly that should have been caught. It's the little things that win and lose ballgames.
5. Of course, the name of the game is simple: Pitching, pitching and pitching.
6. Tomorrow, the White Sox won't have Philip Humber out there, and it will be an entirely different game. The score could be 20-19. Who knows? Isn't that amazing? You can't say what's going to happen. Anybody tells you they can predict baseball, they're wrong.
For the last time: This is NOT Brett Gardner!
Above is David "Man from UNCLE" McCallum in the aforementioned episode of THE OUTER LIMITS. It does not look like Brett Gardner. Not one bit. Not one iota. It does, however, look like this bizarre alien. (Check out the ears.)
Monday, April 25, 2011
Brett Gardner's Sixth Finger
John M. made this very incisive comment about Brett Gardner on a previous postI think it was decent of everyone who hates Brett not to mention what his head looks like when he takes his helmet off. Has anyone seen that old Outer Limits with David McCallum. Seek it out, you'll see what I mean.I did just that. The tv episode is above. On the left, has anyone checked out how many fingers Brett has?
Meanwhile we are in the process of getting no hit by an ex-Met reject!
The THUH Project reaches 11 and a half THUHs
At the end of every Yankee victory, cantor John Sterling thanks his personal god -- who is called "THUH" -- by name.
This year, we will attempt to capture the entirity of the Sterling religious experience by putting forth each passioned cry in one massive collection. When completed, it is believed that the resulting string of 100 victory calls will coax Sterling's god down from the heavens, where He shall smite our enemies and restore the Yankees to their righftul throne atop the Major Leagues kingdom.
You don't see other Yankee blogs do this, do you? Hell no. They're sitting around complaining about Brett Gardner. We're calling upon divine intervention, dammit.
This year, we will attempt to capture the entirity of the Sterling religious experience by putting forth each passioned cry in one massive collection. When completed, it is believed that the resulting string of 100 victory calls will coax Sterling's god down from the heavens, where He shall smite our enemies and restore the Yankees to their righftul throne atop the Major Leagues kingdom.
You don't see other Yankee blogs do this, do you? Hell no. They're sitting around complaining about Brett Gardner. We're calling upon divine intervention, dammit.
Who Belongs To This?
Yesterday, a key Yankee won this.Normally, he is considered a great offensive threat, a base-stealer, and a fine defender.
A second Yankee, not quite as
agile but with ( usually) more power, nearly earned it as well.
Seven strikeouts between them, and gaudy failures in clutch situations.
See if you know.
Did Jesus' Cup Runneth Over?
A foul tip off some Philestine bat caught the future Yankee savior - or trade deadline chum - directly on his outside garden faucet, at the Y in his road, in his seed catalogue, his personal computer, his Private Ryan, his super-shooter, his Hadron particle reactor, his capital of Vermont, his deep dish cheese pizza, his Charlie Sheen truth torpedo.
He might not only miss several games, but fatherhood.
At the time, Jeez was second in the entire International League in hitting, with an average over .400. Although part of the reason may be Jorge "The Other Jorge" Vazquez, who is on the verge of leading winning the Triple Crown. If Jorge "The Real Jorge" Posada gets hurt or goes into a deep slump, we might switch Jorges before we resurrect Jesus.
Today, as Jeez he sits in his ice bath, we at IT IS HIGH wish him a speedy recovery. The women of Scranton need him.
But he must avoid those hussies of Wilkes Barre. They are the wenches of Barabas.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
My Easter Buddy
You came along and helped save the day
My buddy, my buddy
Your pitches quite so true
Love your style, the steady way of your hand
Mo failed again, we just can't understand
My buddy, my buddy
Your pitches quite so true
a better, wordless 1956 version from Chet Baker.
The THUH Project: Stuck at 10... John rendered no THUH last night
It should be the 11th THUH... but John didn't offer it last night.
Did he worry about rubbing it in to Baltimore?
No THUH = No Win.
Did he worry about rubbing it in to Baltimore?
No THUH = No Win.
A Basket Of RBI's From Dinger Eggs
Yesterday, the Yankees dropped five beauties on the birds.Usually it is the birds who produce the eggs.
Holy Sepulchre !
Even Gardy was granted two hits and an egg last night.
His dinger rbi's are the two purple ones.
Good for Gardy.
And good for our newest, no-name bullpen guys.
Girardi has license to burn out these two arms and not worry. We play 31 straight games, I think.
If we bring up Pat Vendette, we will have another two arms to burn.
Keep those eggs coming. We need them.
No THUH? Sterling at the Bat
The outlook looked impressive for the Yankee nine that day:The scoreboard said fifteen to three, with one more ball to play.
And so when Buddy Carlyle coaxed a measily fly to right,
Every Yankee fan across the world foretold the coming byte.
For Sterling, mighty Sterling, was attending to the mike,
And every radio listener knew the cadence he would strike,
A Yankee win meant one great call, all knew what would come next,
John Sterling's famous warble: The Yankees' oral sex.
Twas a smile on Sterling's countenance, a gleam in his brown eyes,
He called the out with clarity, then put his voice to rise,
"Ballgame over, Yankees win," the silver throat did peep.
A baritone heard round the globe, each word propeled by Jeep.
Even Suyzn in her clubhouse knew something wasn't right.
The Yankee game had ended, a sterling Yankee day.
But Sterling, mighty Sterling... he had nothing more to say...
Oh, somewhere in this favored land, beyond ESPN;
Each scoreboard shows a tally; each prayer has an "Amen."
And somewhere men are laughing, and children shout, "Uh-huh!"
But there's no win in Yankeeville — John Sterling gave no THUH.Yes. It shaped up as a perfect night: Big Yankee win.* Gardner homers. CC pitches well. A-Rod, Jorge, the whole middle hits. It should have been a happy Resurrection Eve, with children across theYankiverse laying snug in their beds, awaiting the jolly old Easter Bunny's arrival down the chimney, bringing candy for all.
But this Easter morning, there is a stark red blemish on the purple horizon of Yankee peace and hope.
Last night, John did not deliver a THUH.
He said, "Ballgame over, the Yankees win."
That's right. No THUH.
today, I will go into the week's MLB audio and add the two missing THUHs from earlier to the THUH Project. But I will find no THUH from last night. Because last night, there was no THUH.
That's right. The Easter Bunny stole our THUH.
* Every Yankee win is a big Yankee win.
