It's not even June, so I cannot fathom the words I'm about to type:
This weekend could settle the AL East.
More or less, anyway.
Yes, yes, yes, of course I'm overstating this. Commonly, a week after one of these "historic clashes," everything's been forgotten. The team that won the big weekend flies to KC and loses three straight, negating the gains that seemed so critical. It's a long season. And it's May. But let's think of extremes:
A Death Star sweep would knock the big-spending Bosocks back below .500, where they'd feel the hot Labatt's breath of Toronto on their pimply necks. Their bullpen problem would prod the front office to take action, though the easiest solution - signing Craig Kimbrel - would unleash the talk radio hounds of hell upon management.
But a sweep by Bitcoin Boston would kick us squarely in the billiards, stripping the veneer from our Cinderella lineup, and reminding everyone, once and for all, that they remain the best team money can buy. We would still have a raft of returning stars, and a four-game lead in the division, but how would we ignore a sense that the no-names, who carried us throughout April-May, have reached their sell-by dates in June?
Of course, a 2-2 split will unleash the forceful certainty of a Robert Mueller address following Pear Harbor ("Yesterday, December 7, a date that will live in infamy, something happened that I'm not at liberty to disclose, because it wasn't in my job description...") Everyone will claim victory, except the Baltimore Orioles. Among Republicans and Democrats, they'll remain America's lone unifying subject: They stink.
But let's be clear: We have no excuse to settle for anything less than a 3-1 beat-down. We are streaking (8-2 over the last 10). We are healthy (if you view our regulars as Gio Urshela, Clint Frazier and Thairo Maybin, which I do.) Our bullpen is rested (thanks to Jonathan Holder and Nestor Octavio-Cortes Jr.) We are home, where Luke Voit yesterday notched his first MLB triple. Look at that happy man, standing at third.
Big-spending Boston, on the other hand, just put Mitch Moreland, their leading HR hitter, on the IL. They have no bullpen, running a closer-by-committee. Out of pride - and the public humiliation it would bring their front office - they cannot re-sign Kimbrel. A setback this weekend won't push them out of the pennant race, but it could force their hand in the upcoming trade wars, which will make Trump's tariff feud with China look like a salt water taffy weekend in Cape May.
It's easy to overstate the significance of these confrontations. But I was wrong upstairs. This weekend begins in April-May. It ends in June-July. The war is upon us.
It's a very important weekend but I can't stop laughing over the fake Mueller quote.
ReplyDeleteGenius.
All I can say is this: FUCKERS!!! Where is my Corbin!? Where is my Manny!? Where is my Bryce!? FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! Where is my Corbin!? Where is my Manny!? Where is my Bryce!? FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!!
ReplyDeleteIf we lose it's because the Yankees were cheapskates and robber barons. If we win it is in spite of that.
ReplyDeleteFUCKERS!!! Where is my Corbin!? Where is my Manny!? Where is my Bryce!? FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! Where is my Corbin!? Where is my Manny!? Where is my Bryce!? FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!! FUCKERS!!!
What would really be the best outcome this weekend would be for Chris Sale's arm with his "inverted W" delivery to walk off the mound needing a sling just to unbutton his shirt. Perhaps a quinella of David Price's elbow blowing out. That would ameliorate even a Red Sox four game sweep or be a cherry on top of the whipped cream of a Yankees sweep.
ReplyDeleteI loved the Duque line, too.
ReplyDeleteI think we should all try them. For instance:
Nathan Hale Mueller: "I regret that I have but one life to give for my country. Well, maybe 'regret' is too strong a word. I can't say I'm happy about this. On the other hand, if I had multiple lives, how many would I really want to give for my country which—let's be honest, folks—is not even a country yet, just a loose conglomeration of states, governed by the unworkable Articles of Confederation. Wait, have they signed that yet? Or no? Anyway, you get my drift."
Hard to call this one.
ReplyDeleteThe Sox' pitching has been very haphazard, indeed. On the other hand, their hitting has been en fuego, with even Jackie Rogers, Jr. coming out of his funk of late. And they play like champions. Yesterday they got down 14-6 to Cleveland and cut it to 14-9, leaving the bases loaded in the ninth.
But yeah, sometimes a crushing series win can squelch a team, even early.
I still remember 1976, our big turnaround year, when Chambliss' three-run homer off Tom House with two outs in the bottom of the ninth completed a comeback from down 5-0, and a three-game sweep over the Sox.
That was July 25th, but afterwards the Carmine Hose all but officially folded up shop for the year.
True, it was later, and it put the Sox down 18 games. And I think we're more likely to get swept than to sweep this year. But if we should take all four that would put them down 12 in the All Important Loss Column, and they might, just might, start thinking about retooling for 2020...
If I could tank every two or three years and pick up a Series win for every tank, I'd trade that in a flash for this sustained slightly-above-medicore, perennial one-game-wildcard level of bullshit that we have endured for the past ten years. We have been in purgatory. They suck and then they win it all, suck and win it all, rinse and repeat.
ReplyDeleteOh God--are we going to have to endure an entire season of Warplist trying to prove his manhood by pasting FUCKERS!!!! three dozen times before and after every game? Can someone get him an emergency ration of Anafanril?
ReplyDeleteWhere's your Manny? Where's your Bryce? Deep in the toilet. Try checking into Baseball-Reference occasionally to shore up your baseball knowledge occasionally instead of pasting FUCKERS!!!! all day like a solar-power windup doll.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like we face this type of series against the Sox every year. Where we can really do some damage, and we generally come up up short. Then again this is a new type of Yankee club. So maybe this time it will be different.
ReplyDeleteDoug K.
The Bronx expects every man to do his duty!
ReplyDeleteTurns out I'm glad they didn't sign more fat long term contracts. It would be nice to nail down the rotation a bit better, true. But there is that chemistry, which I'm sure doesn't actually exist because there is no measurement for it. When you're winning, everyone is your pal. Except Morales. Jesus, what a wrench in the lineup. Bad signing, no two ways about it. If we kept him in Scranton for actual emergencies, ok. But not this.
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ReplyDelete
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