Virtual Baseball: Thairo Mania! Tanaka! Scooter Settlement!

"Thairo Mania" swept Yankee Stadium the Third today, as the Yankees swept to their second straight win today, 7-2, over Seattle.

Masahiro Tanaka, the iron man of the Bombers' staff, got the win with seven innings of pain-defying pitching, keeping his elbow ligament in place with the use of paper clips, the sort of huge binder clips you use to put on college papers that are too big to be merely stapled.

But the real story in the Bronx was the way that Thairo Estrada seems to have captured the hearts of Yankees fans with his timely hitting in this injury marred season.  The unexpected enthusiasm has been a boon for local entrepreneur Harman Blennerhassett, who two years ago bought 50,000 Egyptian  "King Tut" pharaoh headdresses in anticipation of Estrada becoming a major star and being called, "Thairo the Pharaoh."

Estrada did not disappoint, hitting a long triple and a home run to deep left-center, as thousands of Yankees fans paraded through the stands in their souvenir headgear, to the tune of The Bangles' "Walk Like An Egyptian."

"I took a huge bath back in 2012, with Linsanity," Blennerhassett told reporters.  "I bought 10,000 souvenir straitjackets with a Knicks logo on 'em, thinking I'd move 'em in no time.  Next thing I know, Lin's in Houston and the National Alliance on Mental Illness is threatenin' to sue me.  If it hadn't been for that totally accidental fire accident in my warehouse, I woulda been wiped out."

Blennerhassett mentioned that he was just about to get in touch with his old warehouse fire accident prevention associate, Frankie Sheeran, when Estrada finally broke through.

"A little dust, a few spider eggs, otherwise they're perfectly good to go," he told reporters.  "That Toast guy on the Yankees bought 10,000 of them right away.  Pretty good, huh?  Walk like a fuckin' Egyptian!  An' yeah, yeah:  I know that ain't how you pronounce, 'Thairo.'"

Meanwhile, the Yankees also announced that they had reached an agreement to acquire the rights to the random ramblings of Phil Rizzuto from "upstate blatherskites Rollo Tomasi and Kaiser Soze, or whatever their names are."

The full terms of the settlement were not disclosed, but it is believed that the Yankees agreed to turn over at least six plastic windshield ice scrapers, eight containers of antifreeze, and four official, maple tree, J.A. Happ sap tappers.