Virtual Baseball: Deivi Eaten Up By Sox and Sent Down. Idiots Released.

In Virtual Baseball today, Nathan Eovaldi managed to somehow pitch a complete-game victory, stranding 15 Yankees runners, as Boston edged out the Yanks, 7-5, at the Stadium.

Yankees starter Deivi Garcia was hit early and often, but while Eovaldi was touched up for home runs by Gary Sanchez, D.J. LeMahieu, and Gleyber Torres, he managed to skate through one threat after another.  With the bases loaded and two out in the bottom of the ninth, new Red Sox skipper Curt Schilling decided to leave him in, much to the incredulity of his infielders, who argued vociferously with their manager.

Nonetheless, Eovaldi stayed—and gave up a line drive rocketed so hard to Xavier Bogaerts that it knocked the shortstop down, though he held on to the ball.

In other Yankees news today, attorney Carl J. Weitz and local prelate Parson Tom (no relation to Major Tom, the storied astronaut) managed to secure the release of "The Cracker Jack" gang from custody in their secret, Stadium Force location, which turned out to be Rye Playland, seized by the Department of Homeland Security as a detention site, three years ago.

Many of the gang were still queasy from the constant roller coaster, spin-a-wheel, and rolling waves rides they said government agents had subjected them to, in hopes of securing a confession.  On the other hand, they professed to "very much enjoy" the shoot-the-chute, log flume ride, particularly when they weather turned muggy.

"We were really disappointed.  We found that Zoltar figure, and we all tried to get him to turn us back to being 10 years old," the leader of the miscreants, an upstate hoodlum named Bart Steel told reporters, "but it was no dice."

Arraigned before a federal judge in the Bronx County Courthouse today, the Cracker Jack gang pleaded guilty-in-general.  The judge, citing the 1971 precedent of Mellish v. U.S., let them off with the promise that none of them would ever move into his neighborhood.