Yanks Ink Kevin Smith

Yankees fans everywhere were thrilled to hear that their team has signed longtime director, actor, stand-up comedian, and comic book store owner Kevin Smith.

The reasons Smith has remained un-inked for so long remain unclear, but sources tell us that many MLB front offices were concerned about the impresario's recent health problems, his lack of any major-league experience, and the fact that he is now 53. 

But Yankees front-office buffoon Lonn "Nol" Trost pooh-poohed those concerns, pointing to Smith's dramatic weight loss, and the fact that he was still able to best Giancarlo Stanton in windsprints this winter, down at the Yankees' Starr Field of Legendary Insurers training complex in Tampa.

"The Yankees sign anyone and everyone, regardless of their health—Scott Effross, Frankie Montas, Harrison Bader—and the results speak for themselves," Trost insisted.

In terms of positives, Trost noted that Smith is a New Jersey native with a long track record of comic success. While some have pointed to the release of Clerks III or Zack and Miri Make a Porno as evidence of a mid-career slough for the once-promising filmmaker, Trost expressed confidence that the Yankees' coaches and script doctors would be able to get him back on track.

"Smith was considered an up-and-coming director with unlimited potential in 1994," Trost pointed out, "and the Yankees have signed plenty of players whose peak was realized thirty years ago."

The one concern the Yankees do have is that Smith will have to adhere to the team's strict policies on facial hair and grooming.

"Also, Smith will have to learn to wear his baseball cap face forward," Trost told reporters. "That's just the Yankee way. Unless, of course, he agrees to put a 'Starr' logo on the back of his cap."