It is time to vote for IT IS HIGH January YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Brian Cashman, Despicable Me
.
Larry Rothschild, How To Train Your Dragon

Mariano Rivera, Unstoppable

Sergio Mitre, Catfish

Andruw Jones, I'm Still Here

Brian Schlitter, True Schlit

Russell Martin, Yogi Bear

Derek Jeter, True Grit

Hank Steinbrenner, Megamind
.
Rafael Soriano, The Tourist

Thank you Zachary, Anonymous, et al, for suggestions. 

COURIC COMES OUT

Top anchor lady chooses Yankees.

We HAVE to have Brian Williams. (He's from Elmira.)

Diane Sawyer, et tu?

CANSECO SLAMS SOFTBALL 572 FT.

Watch the video

Duchsherer won't be joining Schlitter

Baltimore just signed the Duchman.

Sergio Mitre survives another day.

Yankee Wikileaks

Jesse Rosenthal speculates on this interesting topic at lohud I'm sure El Duque can really go to town with this and I hope he does. In the meantime a few that come to mind:

The love poems of the boss
John Sterling's real name
Yankee hotel room antics of Suzyn Waldman
The real nature of the good buddy relationship of Robbie Cano and Melky Cabrera
The real nature of the good buddy relationship of Curtis Granderson and Kathy Griffin
How many knee pads did Brian Cashman utilize as a rookie gm
Laura Posada's cup size
The list of women Derek Jeter has schtupped and why he's settling on Minka when he can do better

ProBowlatorial: To make the Pro Bowl matter, football should take a page from the Bud Selig playbook

Last night, the greatest stars in the NFL firmament fought tooth-and-nail for their conferences in a gridiron World War III that shall never be forgotten by the five fans who witnessed it. The golden gladiators from NFC won by a score of 55-42. (Don't hold me to those numbers. I'm not losing my flow here by looking it up.)

The concern: Despite the respect players have for their conferences, a few simply went to Hawaii for the roast pig and native sex. To make the Pro Bowl matter, football should ponder the wisdom of Bud Selig, recently immortalized in Milwaukee with his statue (pictured right.)

Selig's plan for the MLB All-Star game should be used in football:

Make the winning conference the "Official Home Team" of the Super Bowl.

Sunday, when the Packers and Steeler face off in a neutral site, let the Packers - by virtue of the NFC victory -- wear their home team colors and call the coin flip. The scoreboard should designate them as "Home," and they should not have to be introduced until after the Steelers -- a huge advantage often overlooked by sportscasters, because it gives players more time to let the meds kick in, thus they're less likely to suffer a 4th quarter Coughlin Collapse.

Make the Pro Bowl matter.
Make the Super Bowl the Bud Bowl.

Nicknames Week: Baseball nicknames that implied that a player spent too much time masturbating

Maz

Pumpsie

Oil Can

The Rocket

Arky

Country

Pie

Boof

Pud

Captain Clutch

Chicken Man

Melky

The Natural

Lefty

Eck

Steady Eddie

Wahoo Sam

It is time to take nominations for JANUARY YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH





Brian Cashman, Megamind

Brian Schlitter, 127 Hours

Rafael Soriano, The Dilemna

Derek Jeter, Biutiful

Kevin Long, Let Me In

Nick Swisher, The Fighter

Hank Steinbrenner, Burlesque

Four critical factors that will decide today's Pro Bowl

You can feel it. Open your windows. That brisk chill, that rumbling sound -- it's not the mechanical leviathan plows of winter. It's the human rumble of excitment for the 2011 Pro Bowl, featuring football's greatest stars -- minus the best teams, injured players and those faking it because of the arrest warrant stemming from their last visit to Hawaii -- playing for

The greatest pride of all:

Dominance of their NFL conference.

But who will win? Four elements of game analysis:

1. Hangovers. Which side got most hammered last night? Who played Charlie Sheen? Prostitution arrests can reduce depth, though both conferences will bring buckets of bail money. Still, a key is which team parties hoggiest and hardest. Pictured right is Giants coach Collapsin Tom Coughlin, dancing at the 2009 Super Bowl pregame beer pong party. ADVANTAGE: TOSS UP.

2. Seahawks. The NFC has no Seattle Seahawk. Not one. In other sports, every franchise must be represented on an all-star. It's called the Atlee Hammaker Rule. Apparently, Seattle spent big and kept its players home. Amazing. Even though the NFL has now gone through 140 players, looking for 22 who'll play, not one Seahawk -- from a team that made it through the first round of playoffs -- made the cut. ADVANTAGE: NFC.

3. Turnovers. The team with most turnovers will lose. Last week, personnel shifted like female leads in a Mickey Rourke movie. The Cowboys, who sucked, now have six all-stars. Six. ADVANTAGE: AFC.

4. Ganja. When Tom Brady pulled out, his handlers went with him, and I gotta believe the AFC lost some primo weed. Still, it's hard to imagine Peyton Manning's troops reduced to stems and seeds. ADVANTAGE: TOSS UP.

Dandy, Randy, Randy Levine

Bossley's breakthrough technique - hair is harvested from the mezzanine, and brought to the head. So much for people that call him a shit head, but close.

Is This Charlie Sheen Or Brian Cashman?

I think there is more to the story of the suite recently trashed at the Waldorf.

And it goes without saying that the five professionals invited to that party in LA included more than porn stars.

And who brought along the briefcase of cocaine?

Was it Charlie climbing the walls or Brian rappelling the walls?

Who really convinced Andrew Jones to come to NY? More to the point, why would we want a .212 hitter, with a head larger than a great melon, to be our first option off the bench?

Was it porn star number 3 or 4? Porn star number 4, I hear, is a better hitter anyway.

As to the Signing of Soriano, did Brian do it in Charlie's suite? Why weren't Hal and Hank there?

If you put some bruises on Charlie's face, had him drink 3 bottles of vodka and one liter of creme de menthe, and put "trooper" shades on him, could you really tell the difference between Charlie and Cashman?

Could you do it after spending 48 hours with 5 porn stars and a briefcase of coke? Could you re-sign Andy Pettitte?

Love the dress.

TIPS ON PLANNING YOUR ULTIMATE PRO BOWL PARTY

1. Beverages. Don't forget the beverages!! Water is nature's champagne, but this is no time to play taps. Buy the best bottle H20 on the market, and for some extra oohs and ahhs, add ice.

2. Food. Rooting for their favorite conference, guests will work up an appetite. Chips always delight everyone, but don't forget the dip. Remember: It's the "Pro Bowl," not the "Amateur Bowl." Ha ha.

3. Seating. What kind of host doesn't have chairs? Keep in mind, a couch is always a hit -- and you can't have too many pillows.

4. Tone it down. The intense NFC-AFC rivalry produces trash talk that often leads to violence. Stash the knives and guns under lock and key. Be prepared to step in and remind everybody it's just a game, and there will always be next year.

5. Wear your colors. Nothing revs a party like face paint. The AFC is Red, and the NFC is blue. Actually, you might want to check that. Maybe they change each year.

6. A TV. Make sure it works. Color, preferably, and put it in a prominent place, where all can watch. Consult local listings for time and station.

7. Grade the commercials. Unlike the Super Bowl, when the ads are new, these commericals will have aired all year. Thus, guests get their last chance to critique them. 

8. Twister! Get out the mat and have your own halftime celebration.

9. Kareoke microphone. Get out the Mr. Microphone and let guests join in on the play-by-play. It's more fun than a barrel of Joe Bucks!

10. Hire some pros. Male and female. Nobody needs to go home without having been called for holding.

10 Things the Yankees should do to Texas rather than whine at them about being a welfare franchise

1. Trade Andruw Jones to them.

2. Hold a luxury tax payment "big check" ceremony, with their name on it.

3. Invite George W. Bush to every Yankee-Rangers game.

4. Buy Josh Hamilton membership in the Beer of the Month Club.

5. Erect a sign showing exactly where their wives are sitting in Yankee Stadium.

6. Play the 2011 World Series as "Yankees Classics" on YES.

7. Double our current offer to Andy Pettitte.

8. Require the Luis Sojo Band to play Austin City Limits.

9. When the Rangers visit, play the Zapruder film on the Jumbotron.

10. When we play them, beat their fukken asses.

As For Those Late January Days And The Black Hole In Sports

That's the message Yankee brass wants Chuck Greenberg to hear after the Rangers' CEO boasted of derailing the Yanks' efforts to sign free agent lefthander Cliff Lee this winter.
"If he really wants to impress us then he can get the Rangers off of welfare and show how they can be revenue-sharing payers, rather than recipients for three years in row, without financing from Major League Baseball," Levine said Friday. "That would really be something."

Who's Gonna Win that Big Pro Bowl?

My prediction: The team that wants it most.

Or, a better way of saying it:

The team that doesn't care less than the other team.

There's nothing that excites the NFL fan more than seeing his fearsome gridiron faves jogging in jolly-good slow mo, giving giggly sideline interviews and, through the miracle of modern microphones, getting more laughs from a football game than the blooper reel of a Jim Carey flick.

Aloha, Peyton! Have some Maui Wowie, Tom! All that's missing is Collapsin' Tom Coughlin, screaming along the sidelines because Eli fumbled without being touched! Him say Kellogg's Puffa-Puffa Rice!

An Off-Season Limerick

Is the old term “Hot Stove League” archaic,
When hidden cells photovoltaic
Keep our domiciles warm?
Is old Rockwell the Norm?
Baseball fans like to wax nostalgaic.

Fred And Jeff Wilpon Explain It All To You

Rumor is that Alphonso is passing the hat at his favorite bar. Amazing how the Wilpons and other Madoff investors else never figured that something illegal was going on (to them, but not to others of course)

Should the Yankees withhold luxury tax payments until MLB changes its passive stance toward Egyptian government?

Comrade, I know what you're thinking:

"Geepers-kripes! I dint know MLB has a pro-stance toward them-there Pharaohs!"

(Readers never cease to delight us with their sense of discovery.)

Well, as the great George Orwell wrote: To not take a political stance is, in itself, to take a political stance.

Thus, "Pharaoh" Selig and his lawyer thugs, by not inflicting upon Egypt the rulebook mumbo-jumbo they usedto harass honest fan-blogs, like us, are reinforcing a pyramid-scheme government that today is firing upon its own people.

Firing upon its own people.

Of course, Selig and his erectionless legal posse have no qualms about firing on their fans. They shut down the John Sterling WinWarble before it could get enough traction to send honest rioters into the streets, asking why their Commissioner makes $18 million a year.

Did King Tut make $18 million a year?

Today Officially Begins The Black Hole Of Sports

For people who believe Hockey is for playing rather than watching, and that the NBA isn't worth paying any attention to until June, and that college basketball is now in pre-season for the Big Dance in March, one can only create one's own entertainment.

So, with the mere promise of a "round on me," I encouraged a few barflies to get out into the park and make the biggest snowball on record.

And I'm sure you've figured out by now that these guy were all recruited from the establishment where Brian Cashman was celebrity bartender for the day.

As an aside; is it me, or has Cashman lost his mind?

Anyway, I am in deep background holding a can of blue paint and a paper outline of the interlocking NY of the Yankees.

I will soon add the world famous logo to the snowball, and then call in the Guinness folks to photograph, weigh and play with this ball, in anticipation of landing a world record.

The completed ball will then be sent to the laboratory in Arizona where Ted Williams' frozen head rests in state.

It is really a slow week for Yankee fans.

Egghead Rage: "One Yankee does not a ballgame make..."

It began with a letter to The Chronicle of Higher Education
January 23, 2011 Sunday

To the Editor:

Oh dear, how embarrassing! Hoisted on his own excessively pedantic petard was Ben Yagoda. (Note the correct absence of the comma after "petard," because the subject cannot be separated from the verb, no matter what, though whether a "petard" can be "pedantic" is admittedly open to debate.)

While nearly all of Mr. Yagoda's corrections were indeed correct, he sadly committed an egregious error of his own ("The Elements of Clunk," The Chronicle Review, January 7). Perhaps had he taught further to the north (or is it "farther"?), or were he a more sporting fellow, he would have understood that one Yankee does not a ballgame make. The team in question was the New York Yankees, and the student had it right in saying that he hoped to attend a Yankees game. Even up here in Cambridge, Mass., where I reside, we know that much, perhaps because we like to watch the Red Sox, and not the Red Sock, as Mr. Yagoda's logic would have it.

Norman Fainstein
President Emeritus
Connecticut College
(from Cambridge, Mass.)

Then came the comments on chronicle.com:


I speculate that the reason The New York Times has moved forward from "Yankee game" to "Yankees game" is that achieving brevity by arbitrarily shortening a proper name is a step onto a slippery slope. Should The New York Times softball team's games be called Time games?

If "Yankees" is undoubtedly correct, the organization should be fixing the sign: YANKEES STADIUM.

I like "Yankee game," "Yankee tradition," and "Yankee record" because they sound old-fashioned. In old movies and TV shows, you can even hear "in the Yankee Stadium." Love that "the."

The sayin's of Yogi Christ

"It ain’t apocalypse ‘till it’s apocalypse."

"If you don’t know where you’re goin',

you might not get into the Kingdom of Heaven."

"A loaf aint worth a fish no more."

"If you don’t do unto others what you
would not have them do unto you,
you might not get done what you
didn't wanted to have gotten done."

"Who can think and bless at the same time?"

 

"If you come to a savior in the road, follow him."

"Let he who is without sin throw the first beanball."

"God is 90 percent mental, the other half is in your head."

"The end of time gets late early."

"It’s like the Second Comin' all over again."

The two best athletes in football could not play for the Yankees

It's time to reconsider the Yankee hair ban. We could be losing stars who resent being denied the glorious self-expression of refusing to shave.

Look at the Troy Popawheelie and Clay Matthews, the new faces of football. And more hair than a barrel of monkeys.

There is no Constitutional basis to keep our Yankees from growing things on their faces and down their necks.

Yes, we it runs contrary to the values of Moose Skowron and Roger Maris, but that was 50 years ago, and they are gone. The Beatle haircut came and went. Jenifer Anniston's haircut on Friends came and went.  Weird Al Yankovic came and -- well -- he's still here. It's time for the Yankees to let fly not only their pennant flags, but their freak flags, too.

The Super Bowl will display football's two best defensive players. Neither could suit up for the Yankees. Our players have tattoos all over their bodies. The team doesn't ban tattoos. It's time to free our players.

FREE THE YANKEES.
LET MY PEOPLE GROW.

If Colon Makes It This Spring, His Game Song?

If The Signing Of Bartolo Colon Can Serve One Good Purpose..

Wlliam Frawley: Now There Was A Yankee Fan

An avid New York Yankees baseball fan, Frawley had it written into his I Love Lucy contract that he did not have to work during the World Series if the Yankees were playing. The Yankees were in every World Series during that time except for 1954 and 1959. He missed two episodes of the show as a result.

Ask el Duque: Tips on dealing with Redsock fans this winter

Dear el,

I live in Boston. This winter, it's unbearable. Advice?

Living Amid Snakes


Dear Amid:

Remember that like small animals in the woods, they are more scared of you than you are of them. And the more they spend, the more terrified of losing they will be. Here are five general rules.

1. Admit that Dustin Pedroia is a jolly fine fellow. It's not his fault that his brother has -- well -- "problems." Ask how Dusty's bones be a-healin', and express hope for a full recovery, because with wee folk -- well -- you just never know. Concede that D-Ped had a great 2008 and he'd make a fine Yankee someday, unless Ramiro Pena steps up his utility game. By propping up Pedroia, maybe the Redsock fans will extend the olive branch to acknowledge once and for all Nick Swisher’s greatness.

2. Gently, toss Arod under the bus. Why defend him? Cameron Diaz? Dinner with Clinton? Steroids? Sorry. Too much baggage. Remember that creepy magazine photo where he stares into the mirror? Nope, we cannot win, fighting for Arod -- unless he's having an MVP year. This winter, change the subject. How about that Tom Brady!

3. When they grouse about Yankee spending, push the END DISCUSSION button. Period. They cannot pretend to be some low-paying "alt" team. Note that a Youkilis beaning makes the exact same sound as a coconut hitting Gilligan’s skull. Walk away.

4. Let them save face. Remember -- they missed the playoffs last year. Talk up his players. Hey, how about that Mike Cameron! He's ready to play in 2011! Wish we had him.

5. In case of emergency, break glass: mention Big Papi's juice, Ted Williams’ frozen head, Curt Schilling’s weight, Curt Schilling’s use of ketchup, or the fact that Stephen King brings books to read during Redsock games. Whatever it takes. It's been a cruel winter, and we just gave them the new punch line of Bartolo Colon.

OK, now they're starting to scare me

It's only money, I guess. Their money. Not ours. And - really - what can happen other than he wastes chump change, or surprises us and gives a few starts, before the arm falls off?

Objectively, this means nothing. Bartolo Colon, a Yankee.

He could be a pitching version of Marcus Thames, whatever that is.

But symbolically, this is the most frightening news of the winter. We're down to stems and seeds. Suddenly, Sergio Mitre looks like a fifth starter. Good grief, shouldn't we be talking to Chien-Ming Wang?

2011 StatTease: Is Vazquez's Win Mark Safe?

A.J. Burnett needs one win to tie Javier Vazquez with 24 wins, good enough for 106th All-Time in Yankee history!

2011 StatTease: Teixeira's Gunning For Sheff!

Mark Teixeira needs four home runs to tie Gary Sheffield for 47th place in the All-Time Yankee record book.

Can he do it by May 1?

2011 StatTease: Sacrifice Fly Race!

Derek Jeter's sacrifice fly tally stands at 47.

Jorge Posada's career mark is 45.

Can either break 50 in 2011?

The Yankee Off-Season Bears, Well, A Weed

We are off and running.

Our seedlings were planted during the winter, and now we head to Tampa to harvest the crops.

Our bullpen bridge is, we hope, in place.

We have one starter we can count on, and Phil Hughes to hope for.

I do not hope for AJ. And I think Andy is done until July or

August ( has anyone heard from him? Of him?)

The B-named beanpoles will be in place, but they won't be ready for the stew.

All the old guys will slow down.

That seed we got from Detroit will be our biggest outfield star. Swish will slow down, despite having no hair.

Tex will hit in July. Cano will hit all year. The Dodger catcher will hit .250 until he gets hurt.

Jorge will hit into a lot of double plays as our DH.

Jeter will lose two steps to the left and one to the right.

Jesus will be selling hoagies on the side in Scranton by mid-April.

Cashman is increasingly incoherent.

Nothing has changed, really.

I used to pick weeds at Rikers when I was a kid, caught throwing rocks at lamposts. The same weeds I envision for the Yankees this year.

We aren't going to be very tasty or fulfilling.

If I ever hope to be wrong, this should be the season. But, have I ever been wrong?

"I Think that I like what I do, I think!" The Poetry of Brian Cashman

Poetry from the Bard of the Bronx, spoken Tuesday on the Michael Kay Radio Show and transcribed by Larry Barnes of  Bleacher Report.


TAKING IT

Let’s put it this way:
             uh, ya,
I like what I do
             as long as.
it’s not easy,
             as long as
I can take it,
            you know?


ON THE FIELD

we have a great farm system,
we have great players,
that’s what it’s all about,
                   on the field.


FROM A DISTANCE

There’s a hell of a system here in place
That whether I’m here, or somebody else,
It’ll thrive, and uh and I’m proud to be
A part of it., and uh and but,
At the same time, I’ll be proud
                   to watch
                             from
                                     a distance



ALL IN

You gotta be
all-in AND YA!
We’re at this stage,
I’m all-in, NO DOUBT!



UH-DI-YA-KNOW, HERE I GO


Listen:
You know,
As long as I

Can handle the,
The media alri,
Ya know.

Uh-di-but
After-you know,
Listen:

I think that I like
what I do,
I think!

I Prefer New York In June, How About You?

Since one gets the impression that often there's no one in charge of making intelligent Yankee decisions I guess it's nice to finally know some of thinking behind management's moves. But somehow Brian's comments yesterday sound like that guy talking about film on line with Woody Allen in Annie Hall

Proof that Shame is dead: 50 years later, the SF Giants show their faces in NYC and pretend to claim a fanbase

It's official. There is no God.

The New York Baseball Giants betrayed some of the most loyal fans in history, just doused the lights and snuck out with their bats and balls, to a place where ballgames wouldn't even start on the radio until 11 p.m. With the Dodgers, they kicked NYC square in the nuts and than ran before the pain rose.

If it happened today, the National Guard would be called.

If it happened today, well, it wouldn't happen.

Over the weekend, they returned with their World Series trophy -- gained from the draft picks of coming in last for a decade -- and shamelessly, ruthlessly, horribly, acted as if history never happened.

Said the Times:

... 53 years after their departure, the Giants came back to New York with Bill Neukom, the managing general partner and chief executive; Larry Baer, the president; Brian Sabean, the general manager; and Amalfitano, a special assistant for player development. They were on hand to help Posey celebrate his rookie award at the New York Baseball Writers Association of America dinner at the Hilton.


Most fans there were from California, just visiting NY. What's sad is that a few old-timers -- now in their 80s -- came to mourn the foul-smelling treachery of their ex-team.

Let this be said:

In 2010, the San Francisco Giants were as much a disgrace to New York City as the New York Football Giants. 

As per our high moral standards, IT IS HIGH never condones violence. But this should not have been allowed to happen. There should have been a riot. Doesn't anybody out there carry crowbars anymore?

My State of the Yankiverse Address

Sons of Steinbrenner, daughter of Steinbrenner, associated in-laws and hangers-on of Steinbrenners, General Manager Cashman, Manager Girardi, Captain Jeter, coaches, players, sportswriters, assembled guests from the famous world wide web and my fellow fans...

Tonight, I come before you to report that we -- that is, the New York Yankees – stand at the pinchpoint between Heaven and Hell.

Over the next 10 months, we will either rise as an organization to capture the 2011 World Series and, thus, cure hunger, restore the icecaps and lift America from her depression... or we will crumble, while our leaders scream like lice, our enemies bespoil our name and the country - nay, the planet - sinks into a dark age from which, frankly, it will never recover.

If we lose, know this: We shall be ridiculed by Redsocks, condemned by Mets, scorned by Rays and related to by Royals. The choice is ours: Paradise or Peoria?

We have players destined for the Hall of Fame: Derek Jeter, (Applause) Mariano Rivera, (Applause) Alex Rodgriguez (Applause, boos, applause), CC Sabathia (applause), Mark Teixiera (applause) and the real 2010 American League Most Valuable Player (applause) Robinson Cano (applause)!

We have rising young stars, such as Brett Gardner (applause), Curtis Granderson (applause), Phil Hughes (applause) and Nick Swisher (applause.) (Cameras show Joba Chamberlain, looking dejected that his name wasn't mentioned.)

We have great prospects, such as Jesus Montero (shouts of "Praise him!") and the Killer B's - Brackman, Bannuelos and Betances -- (applause) but friends we have great concerns.

Last year, our starters crumbled (shot of AJ Burnett, hanging head), suffered from inconsistency (shot of Joba, pretending not to notice that he's on TV), while we played through injuries (shot of Jorge Posada, crying) and failed against Texas in the clutch. (Girardi shaking his head.)

This winter, we failed at luring the players who could re-envigorate this franchise. We signed Rafael Soriano for the bullpen. (Shot of Cashman, dejectedly walking out of hall) We signed Andruw Jones. (Shot of Andruw, sitting in grandstand next to Congressional intern who saved Gabrielle Giffords.) But without a rotation, we are doomed.

Today, our 40-man roster -- supposedly representing one of the strongest farm systems in baseball -- has the following cast-offs: Robert Fish. Steve Garrison. Romulo Sanchez. Brian Schlitter. Daniel Turpen. Jordan Parraz. Greg Golson. (Silence). None are prospects. They failed to make other 40-man rosters. We picked them up, because we are desperate and because somewhere, our system is not producing.

Today, our future hinges on the health of great Yankees over the age of 36 -- and unproven players, with almost no track record. If not for a recent signing, which seems to have shattered internal peace, (shot of Cashman's empty seat), we would have no one to replace the Great Rivera, should he suffer injury.

Through an unprecendented arms build-up, Boston has improved. (Booing) Under manager Buck Showalter -- a devout Yankee enemy -- (Hissing) Baltimore will rise. In the National League, Toronto would have made the playoffs. And yet the team we should most fear is Tampa -- despite loss of free agents -- is still loaded from a decade of high draft picks. One injury, one off-year ... and we could come in last. (Shout of "You lie!" from Anonymous, seated in gallery.)

No, Anonymous, I tell the truth! (Applause, people attack, physically pummel Anonymous.) No, let him go. (Crowd lets Anonymous go.) This is the greatest challenge yet to the New Millenium New York Yankees.

People, we have the honor to witness the last great stand of Jorge Posada. (Applause) The last great stand of Mariano Rivera (growing applause). The last great stand of Derek Jeter (wild applause). The last days of the great team once known as Torre’s Yankees.

Yes, Joe Torre. Let me say the name. (Shot of Torre, sitting in gallery beside Yogi Berra, Whitey Ford, God and John Sterling.)

He's now out of baseball, which means... (standing ovation)... he is back within our family, at least in spirit. (Torre breaks down, weeps, dons Yankee hat, reaches out to figure in back aisle and pulls out...  Andy Pettitte, who waves to crowd. Torre puts Yankee cap on Pettitte's head. Crowd goes mad with ecstacy.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we -- the 2011 New York Yankees -- stand at the gateway to heaven, the gateway to hell... AND WE WILL RECEIVE THE DESTINATION WE DESERVE.

(Suzyn Waldman in control room shrieks "Andy Pettitte! Andy Pettitte! Andy Pettitte!")


GOD BLESS THE YANKEES, AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL.

A Grumpus: BALLAD OF A FORMERLY THIN, NOW IMPROBABLY MASSIVE, MAN

A comment from IIH reader A Grumpus:

Ya walk into a locker room

See a hypodermic in his hand

You see somebody else naked

And ya say, "who's that massive meloned man"

You rationalize so hard

But it's so easy to understand

Ain't nobody gonna say anything else about it,

You're all alone

There was something happening there

And we all know what it is

Es tu, Mr. Jones?

So you can raise up yr head

And ask "is this what I think it is?"

And somebody points and says,

"Not mine, it's his"

And another says, "what's that?"

And somebody else says, "what that is?"

And you say, "Holy smokes,

Am I here all alone?"

Yankeetorial: If Cash really wants to be a small pond whale, he should leave now

Sunday, B-Madd wrote in the Daily News that Brian Cashman might slink out of New York next winter, so he can pursue his childhood dream: running a cheapass franchise, be the swaggering stud in a small corral, and never again do laundry for some chain-smoking, under-achieving Steinbrother heir-lout. He'd scurry off to KC or MIL and start trading future Lenn Sakatas for future Evan Longorias; he'll beat the Yankees, build a super-dynasty and be hailed as the Megamind his mom always said he was, back before he took up groveling to owners, rappeling down skyscrapers and sniping to the press without attribution. 

Well, Cash... if you really do feel that way...

Sir, the door is over there, next to the Bob Watson Ceremonial Chopping Block.

The truth is: I like Cash. I don't want to see him go. He's been a part of the Yankees so long that nobody even thinks of the play on his name anymore. Ranking on Cash is part of being a Yankee fan, like debating Joba's future. Everybody remembers the bum deals, and we forget that he kept Phil Hughes. Would he elevate a small town franchise? He'd sure do better than those Baltimore Bozos about to sign Vladimir Guerrero. Cash is a smart guy. I think he's an honest guy. He'll do well. But that's not the point.

The fact is, Brian Cashman has the job every baseball fan in the world would kill to have -- for one day. He runs the Yankees. Hell, I'd not only pick up Hank Steinbrenner's laundry, I'd clean his nicotine-stained underwear myself by pounding it on rocks in the crocidile-infested Nile. What fan wouldn't?

If Cashman's bored, or feeling unloved, or angry that he's not getting credit -- because the Yankees too much spend money and wanted Rafael Soriano... well, goobye. Sad to see him go. But goobye.

I hate the idea of a Yankee GM pondering his future in another city. There are many reasons -- Jesus Montero being one -- that Yankee fans might want Cash to clarify his future before he makes trades that could haunt us for years to come. I'm not saying he'd do that. But this is the Yankees, folks. Whatever he does will be second-guessed long after he's into his second career.

The Tampa Bay Rays are a time portal into the Yankees/Redsocks infindibulum

Yankee/Redsocks of the past:

Kyle Farnsworth

Manny Ramirez

Johnny Damon

Rocco Baldelli

Gabe Kapler

Yankee/Redsocks of the future:

David Price

James Shield

BJ Upton

Evan Longoria

Long Range Tampa Bay Plans

With the recent addition of  Manny Ramirez and Johnny Damon, word has leaked that the Devil Rays are planning to soon "field" a new concept, an all DH team.  Zip Zimmer would be brought back to manage them. It's a bit of a gamble as it depends on convincing that cutting edge commissioner Bud Selig for permission to pioneer this initiative. They are also quietly acquiring key players like Jorge Posada, Nick Johnson and Mike Lowell. If things don't work out the team would move into an over 40 softball league in Sarasota.

We should fear the Jets

Historically, when the Jets do well... we suck.

1969 - Jets win Super Bowl in Joe Namath era. Yanks mired in Horace Clarke era.

1982 - Jets lose AFC Championship game in Mark Gastineau era. Yanks mired in Steve Kemp era.

1998 - Jets lose AFC Championship game in Vinnie Testaverde era. Yanks win WS.

2009 - Jets lose AFC Championship game in Mark Sanchez era. Yanks win WS.

Today - Jets play Steelers. Yanks mired in Sergio Mitre off-season.

Statistical summary: Throughout history, in seasons when the Jets lose in the AFC Championship game, there is a 66 percent chance that the Yankees will win the World Series.

In seasons when the Jets win the Super Bowl, there is a 100 percent chance that the Yankees will be putrid.

Mr. Jones And Me Tell Each Other Fairy Tales

 Is it a fairy tale that Andruw Jones can reclaim some of his lost magic?
Alphonso sure thinks so

Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
And we Stare at the beautiful women...
Shalalala la la la Uh huh..
I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with a black-haired flamenco dancer

From Those Golden Years: Andruw Jones And Big Papi Award Winners

You wonder how these rumors get started sometimes

Special Color-Coded Guide to Yankee Opening Day Roster

This is the 24-man roster and suggested batting order.

Strength is measured: Blue (solid) to Red (weak)

lf Brett Gardner

ss Derek Jeter

2b Robinson Cano

3b Alex Rodriguez

1b Mark Teixiera

rf Nick Swisher

cf Curtis Granderson

dh Jorge Posada

c Russell Martin

bench:

of Andruw Jones

c Francisco Cervelli

in Ramiro Pena

in Eduardo Nunez

Pitchers

s CC Sabathia

s Phil Hughes

s AJ Burnett

s Ivan Nova

s Joba Chamberlain

s Sergio Mitre

rh Mariano Rivera

rh Rafael Soriano

lh Pedro Feliciano

lh Boone Logan

rh David Robertson

Keep in mind that someone above will be injured.

Weaknesses:

No big lefty bopper off the bench.

No great fielding OF (Does Andruw still have it?)

Fourth/fifth starter.

Candidates:

Greg Golson

Romulo Sanchez

Daniel Turpen

Brian Schlitter

Robert Fish

Steve Garrison

Snips of Conversation Overheard During Recent Meeting Between Arod, Cameron Diaz and Bill Clinton

… Well, actually, Hillary was running the country between ’93 and ‘99. I like to say that she was really the first “President Bush.” That’s a joke.


... And so, Ms. Cameron Diaz, upon my signing of this official napkin, you are hereby mandated to visit my hotel room at 11 p.m. tonight, or you’ll be in violation of my Presidential Executive Order Number 69-69.

… Alex, it surely must have been tough losing four straight to the Redsocks. Then again, you never had to search an entire golf course because Newt Gingrich lost his Viagra script.

... “Chin music?” Hahahaha. Oh, sorry, Alex. I was thinking of something else.

… Cameron, you were hilarious in “Something about Mary.” In fact, at one point, Monica ran around with a similar hair situation.
… Cameron, I feel your pain. Yes, I know... that’s actually your thigh.

Bill Clinton Meets A-Rod And Cameron In Florida

Scenes We'd Like To See: Alphonso Spots Andruw Jones In His Favorite Bar

Could Andruw have been a juicer?
A fan comment from nj.com

Why do the Yankees keep signing ex-juicers? Once they're off the stuff, their numbers go south within one or two seasons. His melon looks almost as large as Barry Bonds' size 8 1/2 - another things that grows when you use the juice.

Who Has A .212 Batting Average Over The Last 4 Years?

Hint; The Yankees just signed him for $2,000,000.

This is so American. We pay up for failure.

More hints: he is a major distraction in the clubhouse.

His teammates in Chicago peed on his clothes when he showered. They hated him. Even the locker room guys couldn't stand him.

He can't run or throw.

If someone hits a lazy fly ball right to him, on a cloudy day, he will likely catch it.

A fly ball under any other circumstances will become an adventure. I know that Marcus is the worst fielder in the states. But this guy, who used to be great at defense ( when he was laughing at us and hitting 51 HRs ) can't do anything in baseball anymore.

He will never throw anyone out at a base.

He will kill more rallies coming off the bench than Derek hits into double plays. I'm going to keep count.

I think Brian Cashman hit his head on that building he rappelled down from, and they aren't telling us.

Note to Duque: Toronto is the only team we might finish ahead of in 2011. And I yield that only because I don't follow baseball in other countries.

Arod meets Bill Clinton: No, we are not making this up

I wonder if they smoked cigars.

Carmelo Anthony available: Should the Yankees make an offer?

Arguments in favor of acquiring Carmelo:

1. Can play LF, rob opposing batters of home runs.
2. Bring closer to Syracuse snow base.
3. Probably hit for higher average than Andruw Jones.
4. Keep Redsocks from getting him.
5. Help Arod/Tex in rebounding.

Agruments opposed to acquiring Camelo:
1. Denver will demand Betances (6'8") and Brackman (6'10")
2. Michael Jordan experience in baseball.
3. Knicks need him more.
4. Cashman already threw hissy fit over Soriano.
5. Would undermine confidence in Joba.

Andruw's Home Run Call?

To answer the search for a Sterling Call. This would work well if Andruw named his bat "Miss Jones." A perfect fit for John's mellow broadway sound. Or even a duet with Suzyn?

Yankeetorial: All this jibber-jabber about Cashman overlooks the central point: He is NOT the Voice of the Yankees

This week, the Yankiverse waited baited-breathlessly to hear Brian Cashman explain why he was for the Rafael Soriano signing before he was against it. The world stood still, analyzing each of Cashman's words like stool samples from the Bulgarian women's weightlifting team.

This would be fine, except that we are disregarding the opinion of the Man who happens to be the solitary human vocalizing communcations embodiment of the New York Yankees.

Was he in favor of signing Rafael Soriano? How does he feel about Andruw Jones?

My friends, those are the only questions of this cold, ungamely day. And all we can do is ponder what he feels -- we cannot predict John Sterling; nobody can predict John Sterling.

POSSIBLE REASONS WHY STERLING WILL LIKE RAFAEL SORIANO

1. Melodic name: Ra-fay-allll Soriano!

2. More optimism during Little Debbie snack-cake 7th inning scoreboard.

3. Tag line: Who's Sori Now!

4. Soriano rhymes with Mariano.

5. Touched by Soriano's willingness to become set-up man to Mo.

POSSIBLE REASONS WHY STERLING WILL NOT LIKE ANDRUW JONES

1. Dull-sounding name.

2. If he's in, a Sterl fave -- Grandy, Swishalicious, Gardy -- is out.

3. Kept Yanks from signing Johnny Damon.
4. Still resents home runs Jones hit in 1996 World Series
5. Must come up with new HR call.

Andruw And Kimmy Jones: They Could Have A Thing Goin On

Andruw Jones And The Return Of The Doubleheader

Alphonso can rant all he wants about the coming bubonic plague, but Andruw could inspire the aging Yank playboys A-Rod and Derick to return to form.

Legendary outfielder for the Atlanta Braves. Yeah he won gold gloves and all that but what makes him a legend is his appearance in court during The Gold Club (atlanta strip club) scandal. Jones went to a party hosted by owner of the club, during said party Jones fucked two strippers in front of several people. Here's what happened when asked about it in court.
Prosecutor: What were the women doing?
Jones: Lesbian action
Prosecutor: What did you do?
Jones: Both of 'em. (With a look on his face that said 'What the fuck you think I did?')

And the bubonic plague enters the Yankee locker room....

Thought to have been eliminated forever after the dark ages, the bubonic plague will return this spring to Yankeedom.

Andrew Jones is our latest designated hitter and pretend right fielder . Really?

I missed this.

But I have stopped reading all papers and watching all tv unless it is a live Yankee game or Giants' ( football ) meltdown.

So I get my news from the objective and far reaching newsroom of IIH, IIF, IIc. Or, in a bar.

The Yankees signed this bum?

When he could play, he killed us and laughed at us. Now that he is far less useful than Marcus Thames, he is still laughing at us. And he will kill the Yankee locker room. He will destroy any sense of pride, heart and hope.

The minute he appears in a Yankee uniform, Yankee fans will gag. And his teammates will start shaking with fever and blurry vision. It won't end until he is dumped.

How stupid can Brian Cashman be? Maybe he will rappell without ropes. That is what he is doing with this signing. Only the team and the fans are at the top of the building looking at the abyss.

First, Brian signs Carl Pavano. And pays him to drive hussies around in his corvette for 4 years in Florida. Then, when he finally is healthy, he dumps him for no compensation. Let him nearly win 20 games for some shlubb team.

Now he wrestles with the idea of re-signing him ( but we wouldn't sign John Lackey ), but gives that up on moral principles.

Instead, we ink Andrew Jones. Slow, old and sick. It makes me sick to look at him.

If you want to guarantee a loss on any given day, just put Andrew in right field.

Last place for the 2011 Yankees.