Wait'll we get our hands on those Toronto Blues; we'll make those miserable Canadians wish they never heard of hockey

Damn them and their earmuffs.

They think they're big. They think their bacon is better than ours. They think because they won in hockey that they're better than us.

Well, their rockies aren't as good as our rockies. Their geese aren't as smart as our geese. They even hold their Thanksgiving on the wrong day. And we have a surprise in store for their little team in Toronto that they call Blue Jays.

A little surprise called Mr. C.C. Sabathia.

And the CC stands for Clobber Canada.

America, you shall have your vengeance upon the snow devils to the north, and thy avengers shall go by the name of Yankees.

AVENGERS, ASSEMBLE!

What Does Google Images Think About A-Rod's "Everyone Checking Their Egos At The Door" Quote?

From Yankees.com

"Rodriguez will be a Yankee for eight more seasons.

A lot can happen between now and 2017.

'There might be a postseason or two where I don't hit four or five or six home runs," Rodriguez said. "And I know the way it goes. I'm going to get crushed, and that's just part of it. But the one thing that no one can take away is what happened in 2009 with our team, with the way we came together like a family, everyone checking their egos at the door and winning a world championship. The feeling of satisfaction that I got from that will forever be mine.'"

Jamie Hoffmann feeling pressure of being Number One draft pick

Lou Alcindor. LeBron James. Too Tall Jones. Peyton Manning. Michael Vick...

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Every kid dreams of someday being the first pick in the draft -- the most sought-after youngster in the world.

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But the talented few -- whose name that magical day is called before all others -- must endure the kind of pressure that can break a bridge in Minnesota like Lawrence Taylor greeting Joe Theisman's femur.

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Not since 1991 -- with, Brien Taylor, the Carolinian Koufax, with the 98-mile-per-hour barfight left hook -- had the Yankees drafted first... until this holiday season. They chose in the MLB Rule 5 Draft, Jamie Hoffmann, who is profiled today in the New York Times. THE FIRST PICK!

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Amazingly, Hoffmann scoffs at being placed among the likes of 1st picks such as Joe Mauer, Josh Hamilton and last year's other number one, Stephen Strasburg.

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The headline sums it up:

May Hoffmann make us forget Brien Taylor.

That way, only Alphonso will always re-remind us.

Yankeetorial: There is no news in the Yankee camp, will someone start a fight?

To the Yankiverse:

Frankly, when we started this blog, we recognized that EVERY DAY something happens to make the New York Yankees relevant to the world. Some infielder is screwing a celebrity. Some pitcher is busted for drugs. Some owner's son is running a crack house.

We expect fodder. Do you understand. YANKEE FODDER.

Over the last three months, the only decent fodder has been the Yankees ignorant and disastrous decision to let Johnny Damon -- one of the great makers of Yankee fodder -- walk out the door and take his fodder to Detroit.

In recent weeks, we at IT IS HIGH hoped desperately that the opening of camp would start supplying daily, if not hourly fodder. The entire Yankiverse did. But what we have seen thus far is a disgraceful outpouring of newslets that would be lame if we following the Tampa Bay Rays.

Hughes vs. Joba. Yawn.
Will Jeet go to another team. Are we serious?
ARod wants to blend in. And Nick Swisher is the Easter Bunny.

Folks, the greatest Yankee teams -- Ruth/Gehrig, Mantle/Maris, Munson/Jackson, Jeet/ARod -- were marked by turmoil. I'm talking anger. I'm talking feuds. I'm talking passion.

Will somebody please, please, pleeeeeeeease fight a cop or shag a movie star? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?

Chad Gaudin to be honored as spring training opening day pitcher

No more hanging Chad.

It is time to take nominations for February Yankee Employee of the Month

To the Yankiverse:

It is with the saddest of sadnesses, that I must report in recent days, a movement toward attempting to make a mockery of the most august of augustive traditions within this website: The Yankee Employee of the Month.

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Several people -- I name no names here, because that's the way I am -- have sought to trumpet Kei Igawa for yet another month of exalted status. Igawa's victory, in essence, would reduce the award to the level of a meaningless monthly punchline, appreciated only by the super-elite Yankee fans who visit this site.

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This must not occur.

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People... we owe it to the Yankees, Yankee fans, Yankee bloggers and yes -- even typical Yankee haters such as the mad Anthrax killer (see below) -- to run an honest election.

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I will put Kei Igawa on the ballot. I will do this because I believe that free speech is the backbone of democracy, which is the cornerstone of freedom, the bulwark of all hope.

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But I ask you now... WHO DESERVES TO BE... FEBRUARY.... YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH?

Weather forces Yankee pitchers indoors

Hopefully, they'll throw hard.

Mad Anthrax Killer Was Diehard Yankee-hater

The late Dr. Bruce Ivins, believed to the 2001 Anthrax killer, hated the Yankees with a heart that was blacker than a billion eggplants in a coal mine at midnight.

"As the FBI officially closed its investigation into the anthrax case yesterday, the feds said their prime suspect, Dr. Bruce Ivins - who killed himself in 2008 as the feds were about to charge him - thought the Big Apple was a rotten place and included the message "FNY" in his letters to New York media organizations."

According to the FBI:

Ivins also harbored a hatred for the Yankees.

"Dr. Ivins strongly associated [the former colleague] with New York," the report said. "His communications with her . . . in the years that followed were replete with references to the New York Yankees, her favorite baseball team, not always in the kindest of terms."

Moral: Never turn your back on a Redsock fan.

Chile con Carnage

Death toll: 147.

Tasteless pun opportunity: Priceless.

NY Post: "It's Funny Because He's Blind"

Carly Simon names Mark Felt as mystery subject of "You're So Vain"

One of the great mysteries of human history has been solved.



Carly Simon says the subject of her greatest hit song, right up there with "Anticipation," which she sold to ketsup commecials, is none other than former FBI chief Mark Felt.

According to an interview, Simon says if you play "You're so Vain" backwards, the words "Follow the money!" can be heard.

Whale Shows to Resume at Seaworld, Fenway

Thar he blows.

Good to see he's on that Giambi-Bonds weight loss plan.

Carly Simon Still Alive

I'm betting it was Alphonso.

Overbite Interruptsis

I sent this photo of our $51 million dollar man to Dr. Toothy, who is a famed oral surgeon in the Chinatown area of NYC. There is no Japanese town in NYC, so this will have to do.

By the way, there is a great Vietnamese restaurant just around the corner from Dr. Toothy, and down one flight of stairs from street level. I recommend the fried quail.

Dr. Toothy is a long term Yankee fan and has shared our woe in trying to come to terms with the lack of major league productivity for this $51 million lefty.

He has concluded that Kei has about 12 too many teeth for a typical lefty. In this photo, you can see how all of Kei's teeth try to force themselves out of his mouth when he gathers himself to deliver a curve.

Not only does a pitcher in this circumstance lose balance and focus, but the saliva build-up becomes intolerable at the very moment of delivery.

To Igawa, this sensation must be like trying to simultaneously hum and whistle the Japanese National Anthem with a mouth full of graham crackers.

Kei's tooth excess is, by itself, reason enough for us to implore Brian Cashman, and our pitching coach, to get Kei to Dr. Toothy this week.

Otherwise, this crafty lefty's career with the Yanks could be a total failure.

Can ARod "blend in?"

That's the question.

And what he's saying.

Arod just wants to be another working Joe, a regular coffee drinker who uses Ivory soap and watches "American Idol." No special treatment. He'll be Cody Ransom, without the ability to do a standing-free leap over Edwar Ramirez.

This is insane.

Sterling's 2010 home run call: "It is high, it is far, it is gone. A home run... for a player."

Blend in? Spring training is a strange reality.

Painful question of the day: Do Yankees spend too much? Redsock fans say, "Yes"

This hurts.

Those Redsock fans, they sure know how to drive the stake into your heart.

"Store-Bought NY Yankees." Under a photo, by the way, of J.D. Drew.

This just hurts. I'm not sure I can blog today. It just -- well -- it hurts.

Yankeetorial: Let's show these greedy players our desire for fiscal restraint: Cut Jeter now, so he can't hold us for ransom during the season!

Derek Jeter and his big-spending cronies think they have the Yankiverse over a barrel. They think they can just show up, having won the 2009 championship, and they deserve pay increases.

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Well, it's time to let these these fatcat players learn that Yankee fans have had enough of runaway Yankee spending!

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All season we'll be hearing how he expects another big fat contract. He'll expect a bigger budget. He'll want this. He'll want that. And if he doesn't get it, we won't win.

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And if we cave into these big-budget demands now, soon we'll be giving 10-year contracts to Cody Ransom and his whole gang. And look where it got us!

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THE TIME HAS COME TO CUT YANKEE SPENDING!

NO MORE BIG-BUDGET YANKEE TEAMS!

SEND A MESSAGE TO HAL AND HANK NOW.

TELL THEM YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH!

TAKE BACK THE YANKEES NOW!

SWISH CUTS HAIR Blonde: "Looks Fab!'

A Yankee Bleacher Creature Takes A Little Off The Top [NYT]

I Know Why Kei Igawa Fails at the Major league level

The truth is, I made this same observation

the very first ( not just the first ) time this unknown Japanese un-sensation climbed the mound at the old Yankee stadium.

I will say in advance that no one paid attention. Usually, no one pays attention to what I say.

Kei Igawa cannot pitch effectively at the major league level until he gets his teeth fixed.

In Scranton, no one cares. Some people have shards of coal for teeth. Same with the other AAA cities. Looks don't count. There are plenty of "two-baggers" at the AAA level ( for those of you who aren't familiar; a two bagger is a date evaluation; one for your date if she is ugly; one for you, as well, if she is really bad ).

Kei arrived in America as a two bagger, despite his $51 million. Clearly, this proves that no one in the Yankee organization met the man before they signed him.

In the big leagues, looks do matter. If you think Derek and A-Rod are getting by just on their abilities, you are nuts. How many Yankees look worse when smiling than Kei? Even Karl Farnsworth shined next to Kei.

Kei's "bouche " remains an embarrasment to the Yankee front office and to his teammates. Even Kei's translator looks down at his feet when Kei is about to respond to a question.

Umpires refuse to believe he can throw strikes, because he is always drooling something from his left or right fang.

I once saw him eat an apple, and it was like watching a John Deere corn shredder work a field in Iowa.

The worst part of this is that the Yankees have done no dental work on the man. There are no oral surgeons in Scranton? Right now, he would be better off playing for the Montreal Canadians. Lose a mouthful to a hockey stick, then come back and pitch.

Let him start or let him relieve. He won't perform well at the major league level until the dental work is done.

As for me, I still have at least 7 quality teeth remaining.

YOU READ WHAT THE YANKS READ!

From yesterday's Tampa Tribune--

Rays economics
The Tampa Tribune
With the Rays' fan day over for another year, the big question is how to put more fans in the seats at Tropicana Field. Let's start by adding up the cost of attending a game for two people even if you live near the stadium, which I don't. Parking is $15; two nosebleed seats are $30; two hot dogs, one beer and a soda are about $24. So, the total is about $70, with tax, for two people.

I dont know about other fans, but this one cant afford to spend $70 a night to watch a ballgame too often. Bringing the cost down would certainly help fill the stadium. Why not have free parking for everyone? Why does food cost so much? I dont mind paying $20 for seats if thats what it takes to field a competitive team, but running you over the coals for food and parking just doesnt cut it with me. This is not New York City or Boston, where average incomes are much higher. Make it a family friendly destination retired folks can afford. Instead of a once-a-month destination you have to save for, it might become a once-a-week destination. It's simple economics.

JAMES T. WOODS

Brooksville

Jonathan Albaladejo arrives in camp with hot new body

Jonathan Albaladejo, going the Papi way, has lost 30 pounds, according to spring training insider gossip police.

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Nobody recognizes him. "Fatso-ladejo" no longer. Now, he's sleek. He's hot. He's hunky. He's eating brocoli and wearing two-piece leotards. Grrrrrowwww.

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Let's hope it's a good sign, because Albaladejo (Next, can he please lose a few letters in his last name?) still hasn't justified the trading of Tyler Clippard in the Scranton megadeal of three years ago. And -- though youth has its ways -- it says something about a pro athlete who doesn't care enough about his body that he would eat himself up to 290 pounds, as Alba says he did last year. Some players show focus. Some players show Happy Meals.

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Maybe he stopped eating when Southwest Airlines denied him a seat. Or maybe when he heard the Yankees signed Chan Ho Park. Because right now, our bullpen needs to shed about 800 pounds, and Alba is going to need a great spring to make this team.

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Let's hope it's not too late.

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Why is it that, so often, the sign of a guy finally wising up... is also one that the end is near?

News from Yankee Country: Monster Snownado Threatens Earth

We could face an unbelievable 6 to 12 inches! If so, this could be the last dispatch you'll be receiving from this arctic hell. We'll be huddling close with the children, keeping our hands warm in the gutted entrails of our pet dog.

God help us.

God. Help. Us.

(Taking nominations for February Yankee Employee of the Month!)

For Nineteen Dollars and Ninety Five Cents, You Can Be an Official Yankee Fan

This is sick.

They'll let anybody in.

Nineteen dollars and ninety five cents.

No background check.

No interview.

No essay question.

Osama bin Laden could get in.

Today In Sports: Tea Party Patriots Demand Their Own NASCAR

“I have designed and entered a Tea Party car to be featured at the All Star race 2010. It features the Gadsen flag and is named "No Tread." It needs votes to make a showing, and I am trying to get a grassroots effort to make that happen. We were hanging in the top tier until just today. Normally I would not beg like this, but apparently there is now a union sponsored car that got something like 200,000 votes in one day. Not sure we could match that, but all I can do is try.”

“It can be seen here: http://www.sponsafier.com/share/12707 It is an easy vote and you don't have to register. You can vote once a day for the next 13 days. Can anyone help us make a showing on national television? Please pass it around to everyone you know. I know it has been on freeper as well, so it is getting some attention.”

“I really appreciate it.”

Please VOTE to enter “Don’t Tread on Me” car in NASCAR

Could Kei Igawa also become Scranton's all-time save leader?

That's the question in the Yankiverse today, following Tuesday's stunning revelation that the Yankees will move Kei Igawa from his slot in the Triple A rotation and see if the Eastern Pennsylvania ace can become the new Scranton-Wilkes Barre Bridge to Mariano.

Not since speedy Freddie "Goose" Guzman arrived in the mudflats of Moosic has the Scranton Yankiverse been more perked over a player move.

Before this gets out of hand... a note of truth.

This is soooooo overdue, it's almost a scandal.

For the last two years, the Yankees have picked up rocks in the desert in search of LH bullpen help -- remember Billy Traber? -- yet they never gave Igawa a shot.

They act as if it's his fault that they gave him so much money and a five-year deal.

It's not his fault. It's their fault. He is a player trying to make as much money as possible in the 5-10 years that he will have a career. Yes, they're overpaid. Yes, they're divas. But when a player gets overpaid, as Igawa did, it's not his fault.

If we were going to just piss all over the guy, drop him into a coal mine and blow up the mountain behind him, we should have cut him long ago. Send him home. Pay him off. Trade him. Whatever. Yes, I know this guy is a walking punchline. When in doubt, rip Igawa. He's our new Pavano (until Javier Vazquez fails; oh, brother, I hate to think of what'll happen if he flubs it)

But I'm rooting for Igawa.

And it's almost time to take nominations for FEBRUARY YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

If Winn, Gardner, Thames fail, Cashman vows to play LF for Yankees

Responding to harsh criticism over the failure to resign Johnny Damon, Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman said Tuesday he will play left field if no one else can handle the job, and he won't charge the team "eight stinking million dollars."

"Jeeeez Krice, everybody, I'm sick of all the whining. 'Johnny this. Johnny that. Wah-wah-wah.' Well, fukken Saint Johnny has left the park. Understand, people? And if we can't find one stinking player to replace him, then I will. I'll put on the uniform and go out there and play. And I won't charge us an arm-and-a-leg, dammit."

Cashman last played baseball while attending Catholic University many years ago. His best advantage is believed to be his strike zone.

"I know how to take pitches," he said. "I get into my crouch, and I'm Rickie Henderson out there. You get me on base, and I'll steal second and third. You put me between Jeter and Tex, and I'll show you some moves. And I won't cost the team $8 million."

Pie in the face is so-oh-nine: What will our walk-off celebration be in 2010?

QUESTION: Should the Yankees continue Walk-Off Cream Pies in the face from 2009, or come up with a new rite of celebratory humiliation?

I vote, NEW.

We can't just go back to the old ways. We don't have Hideki. We don't have Johnny. We don't have Walk-off Melky. We can't pretend they're here. We need a new tradition of walk-off festivities!

So here are some options:

Walk off grab of butt

Walk off cake and party!

Walk off dunk head into bucket of white paint.

Walk off Predator air-strike in Afghanistan, watched by crowd on JumboTron.



Walk off ceremonial dusting with colored sands.

Walk off eating of 50 hard-boiled eggs in half-hour.

Waddle off wedgie.

Aaron Boone has left the building

There is an alternative universe deep in space -- next to the one where Bob Gamere, not Phil, does the voice interlude for Meat Loaf's "Paradise By the Dashboard Light" -- where on a morning in the winter of 2004, Aaron Boone foregoes a pickup game of basketball and does not tear his knee into a plate of spaghetti.

Thus, he returns to the Yankees, leaving Alex Rodriguez to stick with Boston, which thus gives up Curtis Montague Schilling -- who comes to New York.

In that universe -- next to the one where Britney Spears shoots Kevin Federline in "a hunting accident" -- the Yankees do not blow a 3-0 game lead in the 2004 American League Championship Series.

Instead, we trade for Mike Lowell, who -- oh what the fuck, I'm just making this up so why not go for it?-- LEADS US TO WIN SIX STRAIGHT WORLD SERIES. It's an alternative universe. Get it? Lindsay Lohan has a sex change and becomes a woman! Get it?

Anyway... the reason for this...? Aaron Boone has announced his retirement.

Screw the alternative universes! We're champs, get it? Let's remember him for that moment, the greatest moment of the last decade. Good luck to, as the Redsock Nation would say, "Aaron Fucking Boone."

Scientific Pie-Chart Analysis Depicting Reasons Why We Signed Chan Ho Park

Holy Nutra-system! Papi has slimmed down!

He's now Little Papi! He must have gone on Jenny Craig in the off-season!

Check out the sunken cheeks. He looks grrrrrrreat! (Shown right, describing himself from last year.)

Redsock fans sure have be happy with Papi's sleek new look, which is reminscent of the 2007 base-stealing, bunt-and-run, Billyball style of Jason Giambi, after he went on his own rapid-reduction weight-loss plan.

Look for Papi to steal more bases in 2010. Hey, a little birdie tells me that Boston may regret signing Marco Scutero. They've had the answer to their shortstop problem right in front of them all along.

"Batting leadoff... the shortstop... David Ortiz!"

Darling ice dancers win hearts of Yankee fans everywhere

The glamor! The pageantry! The eyelashes!

Who needs spring training!

Who cares whether Jorge will catch AJ! I want to know whether Plaxico will catch Brumhilda on her triple vulvanic pancake!

Who cares whether Phil or Joba will make the rotation! I want to know whether Vladimir and Cokie can rotate on his double woodie!

Take your balls and go away, Joe Girardi. America has a new set of sweethearts. Forget about your make-up, Insane Clown Posse. America has a new set of face-paint. Sign me up for the next Carnival Cruise! I have seen the future of eye-shadow and it's name is Tessa Virtue.

Does "Dancing with the Stars" know the freight train that is coming down the track?

Does anybody really think Johnny Damon won't make it his business to outhit Curtis Granderson this year?

Seriously. I wouldn't bet on Granderson's numbers beating Johnny's. Granderson may be a great player, but until we see the kind of fire in his eyes that Damon showed, he's just another rookie New Yorker.

Because no matter you've done in other markets, when you come to New York, you are a rookie.

I don't want to beat a dead horse. It's not Granderson's fault that we let an icon go. (It was the sad timing of Nick Johnson's signing that did it.)

But watch Johnny Damon's numbers in Detroit. He'll have a better year than Granderson. Because it's personal. It's always been that way with him. Just watch.

Let's hope Granderson has a similar fire. Because if he doesn't, we are screwed.

Next question: Can Marcus Thames beat Austin Jackson?

Is there a rule that requires every former all-star to play with the Yankees II

Case in point, the 2004 MLB All-Star Game

Fifty players, 22 with ties to the Yankees


C Ivan Rodriguez, DET
3B Alex Rodriguez, NYY
1B Jason Giambi, NYY
SS Derek Jeter, NYY
2B Alfonso Soriano, TEX
SP Ted Lilly, TOR
SP Esteban Loaiza, CWS
SP Kenny Rogers, TEX
SP C.C. Sabathia, CLE
SP Javier Vazquez, NYY
SP Jake Westbrook, CLE
RP Tom Gordon, NYY
RP Mariano Rivera, NYY
OF Matt Lawton, CLE
OF Gary Sheffield, NYY
OF Hideki Matsui, NYY
P Roger Clemens, HOU
SP Randy Johnson, ARI
SP Carl Pavano, FLA
RP Armando Benitez, FLA
3B Mike Lowell, FLA
OF Bobby Abreu, PHI

Is there a rule that says every former all-star must sign with the Yankees before his career ends?

Case in point, the 2001 All-Star Game.

Fifty players, 19 with career ties to the Yankees.

P Randy Johnson Diamondbacks
P Jon Lieber Cubs
P Chan Ho Park Dodgers
C Iván Rodríguez Rangers
1B John Olerud Mariners
SS Alex Rodriguez Rangers
P Roger Clemens Yankees
P Eric Milton Twins
P Jeff Nelson Mariners
P Andy Pettitte Yankees
P Paul Quantrill Blue Jays
P Mariano Rivera Yankees
P Mike Stanton Yankees
C Jorge Posada Yankees
1B Tony Clark Tigers
1B Jason Giambi Athletics
SS Cristian Guzman Twins
SS Derek Jeter Yankees
OF Bernie Williams Yankees

What's amazing is how close many others came.

Ben Sheets -- almost this winter.
Curt Schilling -- nearly traded for him.
Luis Gonzalez -- several rumored deals.
Barry Bonds -- always nearly ours.
Mike Piazza -- many rumored signings.
Ichiro Suzuki -- wanna bet he doesn't have a fling with us?
Freddy Garcia -- still a chance
Mike Cameron -- Boston beat us to him.

Last NIght, Chan Ho Park Was Ice-Dancing

I was in Vancouver last night, watching the bobsled re-runs at a bar called, " End of the Line."

After watching the 50th two man bobbers sliding down the chute, I was nearly seeing double. They should color code the sections of the ice, or do anything, to make this a better watch.

If the paint jobs on the sleds weren't different, every run would look the same. I thought I had had too many canadian whiskeys.

Maybe that's the trick; have only white sleds and white uniforms for everyone. Only at the end of each team's run does a scanner read a bar code to know who did what.

Anyway, they have a frozen pond out back of the bar, where they throw people out. Just before 2 am, some guy I faintly recognized shows up with a 200 plus pound dame (in a fur coat and pigtails), ten pair of lace up skates, a cowboy suit, a farmer's bib, and a jouba, and heads down to the pond.

As soon as I saw the old Dodger blouse, I remembered it was Chan Ho.

He left a trail of money on the floor of the bar, and mumbled something about being a Yankee now.

I can't think of anything better for the new Yanks: adding yet another 40 year old on the cheap. Maybe Chan and Kei can skate together in a twin bill later this season.

Why do I think the new Yanks are headed for a major spill. A DNF medal. This is looking worse every hour. The 2009 season will be on wild world of sports as the updated, agony of defeat.

But the 200 pounder was far more agile than I expected.

Vazquez eager to start ruining another Yankee season

Javier Vazquez has arrived in camp and can't wait to get out there, for the season to start, for the games to begin!

Well, good for him.

But here are a few quotes. Guess who said them...

“It feels fine. I'm very eager. I want to go out there and do my job, go out there and pitch, put up innings and wins.”

"I'm feeling strong. I'm looking forward to getting a chance to start throwing and crank it up.”

“I had a lot of expectations this year, and the team did as well. I feel I definitely let down myself, but thinking about those negative things is just going to hold me back. I've just got to be positive and look forward.”

Go on. Guess.

Who is Chan Ho Park? Ten things you didn't know

1. In his first Major League game, his team -- the Dodgers -- were no-hit.

2. He peaked 12 years ago.

3. He gave up Barry Bonds' record-breaking 71st and 72nd home runs.

4. Between 2002-05, he received the second-most unwieldy contract in the history of the Texas Rangers.

5. When as a San Diego Padre he developed a mysterious intestinal disease, the wife of Jake Peavy gave him blood transfusions.

6. While a Met in 2007, he was brought up from the minors one day to replace the great Cuban pitcher, El Duque!

7. That year, in Triple A, he went 2-10.

8. He, Kevin Brown, Jamie Moyer and Al Leiter, are the only pitchers to have started against all 30 teams.

9. He is suing former Dodger teammate Chad Kreuter for $460,000.

10. He signed with the Yankees today.

Baseball fans fall head-over-heels in love with Ice Dancing

Speaking for all Americans, I can report that the last thing anyone wanted to see in primetime Sunday night was the hockey game between the United States and Canada.

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Like everybody else, I was totally enchanted with those plucky, wholesome ice dancers jitterbugging their way into my heart with their displays of grace and clown makeup.

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Frankly, I don't know how I can devote myself to Yankee baseball this year, because my heart will be blogging about ice-dancing costume ensembles for 2014.

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Bravo, Olympics! Can we come up with a few more ice-dancing competitions? Maybe break it down into genre, such as ice square-dancing, ice ballroom dancing and ice mash potato?

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We must beat Canada in ice dancing!

Yanks start process of disassembling Granderson

Our biggest winter acquisition -- which caused the sequence of calamities that brought us Javier Vazquez while shedding Hideki and Johnny -- apparently needs a diamond chip planted in his cerebellum, so he can become a new happy Yankee zombie.

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Curtis Granderson is about to be Kevin Longed -- which is not like Big Papi being Dixie Chicked or Arod being Madonnaed. It means his swing is going to be, well, tinkered-with. It means that the happy talk about his great play in Detroit needs an asterisk -- which means whatever he did as a Tiger won't be what he is as a Yankeee. Maybe in New York, he's Curt Granderson.

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Hey, when a guy hits lefties like Victoria Jackson, you gotta do something.

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But some baseball people still claim Kei Igawa wasn't hopeless before the Yankees changed his delivery and made him the all-time wins leader at Scranton. We'll never know, of course, because the last thing the team will ever do is let Igawa go somewhere else and show them up. But everyone in Yankee Land once touted Ron Guidry as the great pitching guru -- until one day he was gone, along with our bullpen.

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One question: If Granderson is so great, why tinker?

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And what if, psychologically, he doesn't take well to it...?