Just a reminder

Always remember. Always always always remember.
The captain always goes down with the ship.

We're living in Bizarro Yankee world

Pettitte gets slapped around by the Rays; Mussina is lights-out.

We're in last place, and the Dev ... excuse me, the Rays ... are in first.

Kennedy and Hughes have been disasters; Rasner looks like Cy Young.

Jeter can't get a clutch base hit; Farnsy has been mostly reliable (and even dusted Manny).

The Rays are in FIRST PLACE.

Posada, who had NEVER been on the DL in his entire career, is hurt.

Cano spends almost two months below the Mendoza line.

... did I mention the freakin' Rays are in first place?

Igawa pitches and gets hammered ... well, at least some things never change.

Yankee Agony of Defeat Quiz

1. After giving up five earned runs in five innings today, Ian Kennedy's ERA...
a) Inched upward by 0.11.
b) Is now at 8.48.
c) Is still lower than Phil Hughes'.
d) Is 10.00 lower than Kei Igawa's.
e) All of the above.

2. The Yankees left 17 runners on base, eight of them by...
a) Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon.
b) Johnny Giambi and Jason Damon.
c) Jason Gamon and Johnny Diambi.
d) Johnny Jason and Damon Giambi.

3. In today's starting line-up, five of our nine hitters had batting averages below ... a) .220
b) the belt.
c) par.
d) just way down below.

4. Before the game, Kei Igawa was sent...
a) to Scranton.
b) to Timbuktu
c) to the moon.
b) 57 pizzas.

5. A-Rod hopes to rejoin the team on...
a) Tuesday.
b) Ecstacy.
c) acid.

6. ESSAY: Jean-Paul Sarte wrote, "God is absence. God is the solitude of man." Compare and contrast Sarte's vision with that of the stated comments of Henry-Hank Steinbrenner. (50 words or less)

Whadda ya say we all just chill

Friends,

We should all just kick back, crack open a Blatz and relax.

Hey, el duque, how about we tone down the terror alert to blue or green for 24 hours, just for kicks?

What Rumsfeld Would Say About These Yankees

"You go to Tampa with the team you have, not the team you wish you had."



"There are known bums -- bums that we know are bums -- and there are the unknown bums: We don't know about them, but they are bums. But there are also unknown bum bums -- the bums that we know that turn out to be the bums that we didn't know. And one of them might just be playing firstbase."



"I don't do quagmires. I don't do politics. I don't do bullpens."


"Manager Girardi and I agree on every single issue that has ever been before this pitching staff, and he is complete support of our decision to go with only three starters and two bullpen helpers."

"It is unknowable how long Cano's slump will last. It could last six days. I doubt six weeks."

"Needless to say, Hank Steinbrenner is correct, in whatever it was he said."

Public Response to Bern and Suzyn

Nice email back and forth guys/girls/guys with girl names.

However; your views ares from the outside in. Let's see what an inside out view gets us ( i.e. let's take a look at what talent Brian has been stockpiling for us):

1. Brett Gardner - he played his best ball of the year in spring training. Now he is drifting back to that image of a speedy guy, with no power and who does not hit for average .

2. Jesus - our best catching prospect is barely 18, if that. He has the build of a defensive end, and is more likely a DH than a position player much less a major league catching propect. In other words, we have no Jorge Posada in the system. We have no Joe Girardi in the system. We have no Wes Westrum in the system. We have a guy named Stewart and Chad Moeller.

3. There are zero major league prospect infielders in the Yankee minors, unless there is some rookie squirreled away in the Gulf coast League. We have no one who can play first base and hit.

Alberto Gonzalez is our top infield guy defensively, and he is doing better than projected at ML level ( batting .290...an 0-4 day would drop him to .240). But he isn't Derek. He is just a guy with a good glove.

Some other high draft picks: Eric Duncan is a bust. Mike Battle is a bust.

4. Our best prospects are outfielders; Jose Tabata is really young and hitting about .225 at AA.

"Action" Jackson is really young and hitting about .250 at AA. All of a sudden, Melky looks like an MVP compared to them.

5. Pitching - Joba appears to be the goods, at least as an 8th inning set-up guy. Watch for the Yanks to ruin him by forcing a change to starting pitcher in July.

Phil Hughes reminds me more and more of Carl Pavano..doesn't have the body to play this game. It breaks down if he sneezes. Two years in the "bigs"= two extended rests and re-habs on the DL. He'll be rounding into shape on the Yankee's pennant run in Sept. And since his FB is only 90-91, not 95-96, why is he so highly rated anyway?

Ian- its great to have poise beyond your years, but it is better to command the strike zone. If he walks the first guy tonight, watch out for another 95 pitches and 3.2 innings ( 6 runs ).

Kei - I promised not to say another discouraging word about this internationaly sourced pitching prospect.

There are about 5 guys ( either top draft picks or the "meat " in recent Yankee trades ) re-habbing from TJ surgery....some of whom may return next year. And , there is a jar full of jellybeans vying for a call to the bigs, from our AAA and AA pitching corps. None of whom, by the way, are as good as Bruney was. Not yet anyway.

So far, Rasner and Karstens ( another body by Edsel ) are the best we have seen from our minor league system.

So the view from the inside out is , we are in deep trouble for a long time. Big market strategy or small market strategy.

Brian has very little in-house talent available to get this ship righted in the desperate near-term world of Hammerin Hank.

Don't look now, but Hammerin' Hank is on the line with Barry Bonds.

Proposed: The Yankees should stop acting like a small-market team

An e-mail exchange between Wailin' Suzyn and BernBabyBern:

Bern,

Here's the issue: Brian Cashman is trying to run the Yankees with a small-market mentality in a big market. It won't work.

In a small market, it's better to lose a player a year too early rather than a year too late. A small market team would not have resigned Rivera. It wouldn't have resigned Posada. Both either would have been traded last year for a band of merry prospects or allowed to walk. In a small market, talk this month and next would revolve around trading Matsui, Giambi, Abreu and Mussina before the July deadline.

Oddly, I agree with Hank: Cashman taking the "develop our prospects" approach akin to Oakland or Minnesota or Tampa Bay, is doomed to failure in a big market.

Sincerely,

Wailin' Suzyn



Suzyn, you ignorant slut

(Sorry, couldn't resist)

Cash's plan isn't doomed to failure -- as long as Hank lets him hang around after this year.

Fact is, the Yanks started their roll in the 1990s when they pulled a decidedly small-market move. They moved a bunch of promising kids in the lineup (Jeter, Posada, Rivera, Williams, Pettitte) and let them play. Then, they added key mercenaries ... oops, excuse me, veterans ... to push the kids over the top.

Cashman has rebuilt the Yanks farm system to the point where he once again believes he's got a crop of kids who could be something special. Problem is, the team made a bunch of big-money signings in a desperate attempt to keep the 1990s going. Now, all the signings at the beginning of the decade are old, decrepit and make too much money to get rid of (hello there, Jason).

Even the Yankees budget ain't unlimited. Cash has got to be salivating at the prospect of dumping about $80 million in payroll after this season (Giambi, Mussin ai, Pavano, Pettitte, Farnsy, Hawkins, Abreu; plus Matsui and Damon after 2009). Put all that money back in the budget, and we'll see how "small market" Brian is.

That is, if he ain't in Washington or Philly next year.

Yours in baseball,

BernBabyBern



Dearest Bern

I didn't miss the point at all. If, in fact, the small-market approach was started in the 1990s, it wasn't allowed to follow its natural life -- that being shedding yourself of the Posadas, Riveras and the Pettittes at the appropriate time. The fact that this didn't occur makes my point -- you can't do the small-market-develop-your-own-talent dance in a big market.

You artfully avoided my point, which is: If Cashman is taking the develop-your-own route, he should be dealing not dumping to restock the farm system. He can't do that because of the big-market expectations.

Again, I say, he's screwed. His approach can't work in New York, and your big-market frame of reference is messing with your ability to see this. What he needs to do is return to the old days of picking the cream of the crop from the rest of the league and forget about salvation arriving through the farm system. That's the natural order of things. Stop messin' with nature.

Suzyn.


Suz,

"Wasn't allowed to follow its natural life?" Geez, we only made the playoffs 13 years in a row. That's a natural life any other team would be damn happy with. Sorry we weren't unbeaten one of those years.

But anyway, you show the small-market mindset in your argument. It's the choice - develop your talent, or buy your way to a title.

Here's the big-market response: Why choose? It's like at the end of "Trading Places," after everyone's gotten rich (way, way after Jamie Lee Curtis' obligatory topless scene). The question is posed to the heroes - "Lobster or cracked crab?" The answer? "Why can't we have both?" A Yankee answer if there ever was one.

You're right on the expectations thing -- small-market teams suck for a decade, have a good year and they're a big success story. The Yanks make the playoffs every year since 1995 with four world titles in that span, and then we dip under .500 in mid-May and Stubby is threatening to kick the manager's ass.

But the key is this. Just picking the cream of the crop is what we did in the 1980s -- and it didn't work until the farm system came through with some talent we didn't trade away. And Cash's problem now is the failure of the "cream of the crop" attitude earlier this decade has busted even the Yankees' budget. We gambled and lost on long-term, big-money deals for guys like Giambi, Mussina and Pavano, and now we're paying the price.

No, Cash ain't dealing yet. Do you think anyone will give a prospect worth anything for Giambi? And let's be honest. There is some talent here. After 13 straight years in the playoffs, May is a little soon to give up and have a fire sale.

We've got a shitload of young talent that's either here (Cano, Cabrera, Joba) or on the way (Jackson, Gardner, etc.). This year is the "have patience" year. Hank needs to shut up, wait until all the dead weight is gone after this season, and use that $80 million on guys who can do more than DH.

Bern

YES, WE CAN! Miracle Yanks Topple 1st-Place Rays

Just 3.5 games behind! (Four in loss column.)

These crazy kids, you can't help but fall in love with 'em... again!

I'm tellin' ya, they just don't know any better, so they go out and beat the big boys, in their own back yard... in front of more than 20,000 people.

I'm still shaking. MY HANDS ARE TREMBLING ON THE KEYBOARD. THE DAMN THING IS STUCK ON CAPS LOCK, AND I'M TOO EXCITED TO TURN IT OFF!

THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S CAPS-LOCK TIME ON THE KEYBOARDS!

BLOGGERS, LOCK ALL YOUR KEYBOARDS ONTO CAPS! LET'S SHOW YANKIVERSE BLOGIDARITY!

ALL YOU CYNICS, ALL YOU DOUBTERS, ALL YOU BLAME-YANK-FIRSTERS, YOU KNOW WHY YOU DO DON'T MATTER?

DO? YOU? KNOW? WHY? YOU? DON'T? MATTER?

Because -- (wait a second, something happened to the caps-lock!? ooooh, hell with it, I'm too excited to bother with it, but I will tone down my remarks, accordingly.) While you angry downer-doubters were blogplaining that the team is too fat, old and stupid to win the big Tapioca Enchalada... they weren't listening.

Holy shit! I'm in italics. (OK, stay focused. This is good. This adds emphasis! People read italics with more interest, because the letters are slanted. I can get away with more.)

Goddamm you, you blogiots, you blogtards! It took a certain Uncle Hank to get the kids together and tell them to believe in themselves... the way he believes in them. Maybe he promised to quit smoking if they win the World Series. Maybe he told them a certain story of a miracle horse named Seabuscuit.

Who cares what he said. I don't care if he recited "Wind Beneath My Wings." It worked.

KEEP JERKING THE REINS, MR. HANK. HUG THE RAIL. USE THE WHIP.

IF WE COME IN SECOND WITH A BROKEN HOOF, HELL, WE'LL PUT HER DOWN!

BUT LET'S NOT THINK ABOUT THAT NOW. WE'RE 3.5 GAMES OUT.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? YESSSSSS!

Yankee Victory Quiz

If we had lost tonight, old George would have gone ballistic and...
a) Fired Joe Girardi.
b) Fired Joe Torre.
c) Fired Dallas Green.
d) Fired, then rehired Billy Martin.

Answer: (None of the above. But Bobby Meachem would have been demoted to Columbus.)

We won tonight because...
a) Hank criticized us.
b) Joe Girardi held a team meeting.
c) Moose sold his soul to Satan.
d) Abreu's pop fly to left dinked in.

Answer: (None of the above. Actually, Ohlendorf sold his soul to Satan in exchange for a line-drive DP to Jeter)

While we were winning tonight, the Redsocks were losing because..
a) Reliever Javier Lopez got hammered
b) Reliever Craig Hansen got hammered.
c) Reliever Hideki Okajima got hammered.
d) All their relievers got hammered.

Answer (d... And they still didn't dare bring in Timlin!)

How would Goose celebrate?

Hall of Famer Goose Gossage says Joba Chamberlain shouldn't celebrate big strikeouts.

He's got a point. Wreckless displays of emotion ruin the game for us purists.

If this doesn't stop, you know what'll happen? Soon, it won't be just pumping the fist. It'll be tearing off the jersey.

By then, everybody will be showing too much disgusting emotion.

Like wedding singers.

And TV newsmen, after filing their reports.

After each Yankee victory, Joe Girardi's wife will go wild.

Sportswriters like Pete Abraham will be jumping for joy after sculpting the perfect "lede."

Redsock fans won't hold back their feelings about Julio Lugo.

Woe unto the rock 'n roll band that gets its fans too "hopped up."

Patriots will become ecstatic when seeing George W. Bush.

Let's just hope that Joba can find the right model to be a major league pitcher.

Giambi gives no indication he'll follow Sorenstam, Henin into retirement

"But when I do retire," Giambi said. "I'm really looking forward to having more time on my hands to sign boobs."

Mini Boss' Bash of Bombers Resonates

I had a brief sit-down with Hank yesterday, after his tirade at the Daily News. I told him that our Yankee Blog ( 83rd most popular in world ) had 18,000 plus unique visitors yesterday ( thanks to El Duque ), and that our fellow Yankee fanatics really want to understand what Executive Management is saying about this team.

Hank graciously agreed.

ALPHONSO INTERPRETATION:

Mini Boss says: " The bottom line is that the team is not playing the way it is capable of playing."

Alphonso : This is a .500 team. We built it that way.

Mini Boss says: " These players are paid a lot of money and they had better decide for themselves to earn that money."

Alphonso: Or what? Send Giambi and Cano down to Scranton? Trade Abreu and Damon for BJ Upton ? Send nude photos to Pataki?

Mini Boss says : " We have good professional hitters and I have a lot of faith in them."

Alphonso: The same faith that prevents tsunamis, cyclones, tornadoes, earthquakes and hurricanes.

Mini Boss says: " I'm not saying they are not giving the effort, but they need to be playing harder."

Alphonso : Huh?

I'm worn out. Tired of sitting on this bench. I'm going for a beer.

A Nightmare

With both teams in first place, a nightmare becomes a possibility: An All-Florida World Series.

What does Hank mean when he says, "by force?"

As the empire was crumbling yesterday, Hank Steinbrenner told the Murdoch Beagle...

"This is going to get turned around. If it’s not turned around this year, then it will be turned around next year, by force if we have to.”

So what does he have in mind?

The team has several alternatives.

Confiscating A-Rod's children...

Promoting a new crop of prospects from Scranton...

Tommy John surgery for bullpen slackers...

Supplement Joba Chamberlain with several robot duplicates.

Night visits to their homes...

Maybe Mussina will throw harder when the team takes his dog...

Teach Carl Pavano the art of discipline.

Hopefully, we'll improve. Hate to think of the alternative...

No More Igawamania

At the requests of my editors, publishers, owners, wanna be's, family and friends, and the bartender at Rose's Cantina in Southern Mexico, I vow not to ridicule or reference the Igawa $40+ million blunder.

So I went out with my fellow scout, former can't miss Yankee pitching prospect Troy somebody or other, and toasted our new commitment to compassion and understanding.

One final Keism: Yesterday, in the Tampa blowout, Kei got the call to warm up. After standing on his head for 45 minutes, he began soft-tossing.

Once again, Kei lost. Edwar got the gig.

'Mildly Hyperbolic' Our Rosy Red Butts!

June at the mildly apocalyptic blog "June Has Decided" had the misguided idea that we here at IIH, IIF, IIc are "mildly hyperbolic"!!!!!!!!

How could she do such a thing?!!!!

Anyways, now we turn for a look at today's headlines ...

"Kennedy to Return Thursday" OMG Becky! John or Bobby (probably JFK) are descending from clouds! Iggy's popped to Scranton! We're either DOOMED or SAVED!

"A-Rod won't play this week" A-Rod's been missing?! Who knew?! Has anyone called the cops?! The cast of CSI-Miami?!

"Gossage takes emotional tour in Cooperstown" Goose weeps! Vows to piss on ketshup sock!

In Tampa: "Pelican collides with tourist" (and) the Rays are a half-game out of first!) Apocolypse! Everybody run, the homecoming queen's got a gun! Repent! Repent! All those bad things we said in Spring Training about the Rays! Jokes! Mere jokes, heh, heh. Didn't mean a thing! We're buds, right?!

Yankeetorial: Let's Lay Off Igawa

Open letter to the Yankee Blogiverse:

Far be it from us to whine about the unspeakable treatment of Mr. Kei Igawa.

Frankly, we're disgraceful. Buzz Bissinger should come to our homes, sleep with our wives and steal our cattle.

But, hey, that's us. We're angry at the world -- ever try to get AA batteries out of the hard plastic packs, you'll goddamm cut yourself. And will girlie blogs ever stop printing photos of Amy Winehouse with their starlet bikiini collections, WTF, ouch, they ruin the mood! -- so we lash out.

Lately, the Yankiverse has been ripping on Kei. He's the new Carl, the new Hank.

But it's all wrong. Here's why.

1. It's not his fault we're overpaying him. And he's not the only one.

2. It doesn't help. The Redsock blogiverse pumps up Coco Crisp, trying to boost his trade value. (Which is pathetic, BTW, because nobody cares what bloggers say.)

3. We have no lefty bullpen specialist. If Igawa becomes the guy who gets Papi out, who cares what we makes?

4. Jose Contreras. It took him three years. We traded him for a bottle of cough syrup. He took the Chisox to the Series.

So here's the plan... (it's similar to Operation: Chaos)...

No more hitting on Kei Igawa.

Let's get behind our Pitching Ambassador to the Oriental Arts!

Kei Igawa, A Poem.

Kei Igawa!
Ours today.
He's our flowah.
He's O-Kei!

Kei Igawa!
Won't betray
Pitching powah,
He's O-Kei!

Kei Igawa!
Hear him say,
"Batter: Cowah!
"I'm O-Kei."

Kei Igawa!
No delay.
In the showah,
He's O-Kei.

A-Quad to Miss Mets Series Unless... WE OPERATE

His lips say yes. But his MRI says no.

So... let's try The Fantastic Voyagemobile.

We shrink a team of buxomy scientists and inject them into A-Rod's body, just like they did in the movie. Except this is real.

Caution: We are now entering the cerebral cortex, where we will be assaulted by A-Rod's innermost demons. We've hit the Id.

In this shadowy world, thoughts and anxieties become real. Hold on, everybody: We are experiencing the memory of A-Rod's post-seasons, exactly as he recalls them.

Uh-oh. We're entering the region of the hippocampus where he has suffered some of his stinging collapses. This won't be easy...

Now, we're the center of the brain where self-awareness exists. Playing beside Jeter, he may have developed a self-image problem.

Fortunately, we navigate to the oblongatta, where we find his subconsicous celebrating the joy of a home run.

Ah. At last, we finally make the troubled quad. OMG, it needs work.

No way can we clean this up by the Mets series. It might be July.

Feeling Elliot Johnson's Good Vibrations in Durham

Back in Durham (AAA) after a .158 cup of coffee in Tampa, Elliot Johnson didn't bowl over any Yankee catchers today, but he did hit a long homer to right field in a 9-1 win over Syracuse.

Johnson went 2-4 with a dinger and 4 RBI, raising his AAA average to .224 in a 9-1 win.

More importantly, he gave the crowd of 5,596 (including me) a chance to party on the positive side, because his "at-bat" music is none other than Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's Good Vibrations! (#2 on the Norwegian singles chart in 1991.)

After his third plate appearance, I heard the following conversation in the stands....

College Girl # 1: Do you think the players get to pick their own music?

College Girl # 2: Yeah, I think so.

CG1: (laughs) 'Cause this guy is playing Marky Mark!

CG2: Yeah, what a loser!!

Well said, College Girl # 2. Well said.

Come to Boca, David!

David Cone is reportedly looking for a new place to live. Might we humbly suggest Boca Raton, home to lots of other people named Cohen? (Yes, David will have to spell his name differently, but that's a small price to pay.)

Of course, there are a few redsocks fans down there, but what can you do?

Mid Sahara School for Dentistry Beckons Igawa

One theory for Kei Igawa's ineffectiveness at the Major League Level is his concern over self-image.

Everytime Igawa sees himself on the tv monitor or the centerfield orgasmatron, he buckles in shame at his facial profile which currently resembles a combination horse and pocine family animal.

It is clear that this multi-millionaire needs dental re-shaping if he is ever to throw his curveball for strikes.

Fortunately for Kei, an exclusive new dental/facial re-hab school has recently been launched at an undisclosed location in the in the Saraha desert ( see above right photo ), and they have expressed willingness to re-build Kei's facial failings at a nominal cost.

The Desert Dental School, which served Bedouins by camel train for centuries, is looking for some favorable publicity for its new, high-tech facility.

According to the school, "self-confidence is the key to success in any left-handed endeavor. And a happy, balanced smile is indicative of a healthy self-image as well as the ability to locate pitches."

Igawa is expected to miss the next two seasons in Scranton while the work is performed.

Chewing on camel dung is no longer a pre-requisite for this therapy.

What did Jeter write on Girardi's lineup card?

A mystery from today's Times...

The batting order and the rainout prompted an unusual exchange of
good-natured teasing between Jeter and Manager Joe Girardi.

After the postponement, Girardi gave Jeter the lineup card as a souvenir. When Girardi left, Jeter took out a pen, wrote a message, walked down the hall, knocked on Girardi’s office door and quickly handed back the card.

What did he write? “Oh, I can’t tell you that,” Jeter said.



OK, what was it?


A question?


A comment?


News?


Some serious writing?

An artist rendering of Joe's wife?

Something about Hank Steinbrenner?

How about...

"To Joe, best wishes in all future endeavors, Derek Jeter.

"P.S.: Dump Igawa."

AL Blogiverse: Announcing "OPERATION CHAOS"

To the Blogiverse that follows American League teams...


(Yes, you Rays Index, and you, Drunk Jays Fans, you, Doc Proc, Honest Abe, sliders, you poetizers, you dirty dogs, you, Murdoch, you injured pitchers, you Bob Costas punching-bags, and of course you...!)


It is time to follow in the inspirational footsteps of the Master, Mr. Rush Hudson Limbaugh.

(Which does not necessarily mean standing at the keyboard, due to the pain of a draft-deferment-causing pilonidal cyst.)

As everyone knows, Mr. Limbaugh ruined the Democratic Party's chances in 2008 by dispatching his army of unique visitors to cast primary votes for Hillary Clinton, thus destroying Barack Obama.

We! Must! Follow! Suit!

The All-Star Game in July will determine World Series home field advantage. Clearly, the AL must win...

SO LET US IMPLEMENT:

OPERATION: CHAOS

LET’S SABOTAGE THE NATIONAL LEAGUE ROSTER.

MLB is allowing anyone to vote on-line 25 times. Using fake names and email addresses, each of us can vote a million times.

Let's not cast votes for Hillary Clinton, but Wily Mo Pena!

Here’s the NL batting order we need to face. (Each is on the ballot.)

Omar Vizquel, San Francisco Giants, ss
Ty Wigginton, Houston Astros, 3b
Wily Mo Pena, Washington Nats, rf
Mike Cameron, Milwaukee Brewers, cf
Shane Victorino, Colorado Rockies, lf
Dan Ortmeier, San Francisco Giants, 1b
David Ross, Cinncinati Reds, c
Jason Nix, Colorado Rockies, 2b


(And while we're at it, Yank fans, let's support our most productive shortstop: Julio E. Lugo, Boston Redsocks.)

Vote early. Vote often.


Remember the motto:

"Tinkers to Evers to Chaos."

Yankee Victory Quiz

Today we lost Wilson Betemit because he has...

a) Pinkeye

b) Pink Lady

c) Pink underwear

d) Pink Hammy

Today's win means we are...

a) back at .500

b) on a one-game winning streak.

c) back in the Wild Card chase

d) not going to lose every game this year to Detroit.

Who said after the game: "I know my limitations."

a) Darrel Rasner.

b) Steven Hawkings.

c) George W. Bush

d) God.

Monday, Alex Rodriguez will have another...

a) MRI

b) CPR

c) PBR

d) HIV

After retiring the side in the eighth, Joba Chamberlain showed...

a) No great emotion.

b) His genitals.

c) His nipple rings.

d) How to do "the dirty boogie."

Jason Giambi said today, "Big G can't slow down. Once the train gets going, there's no brakes." Of whom was he referring?

a) Jason Giambi.

b) Gary Coleman.

c) George W. Bush.

d) God.

Betemit will go on the DL and be replaced by...

a) Alberto Gonzalez

b) Karl Rove

c) Condoleezza Rice

d) Scooter Libby

Mariano Rivera's ERA for the year is...

a) 0.00

b) Zip.

c) Zero.

d) Nada.

Not Kosher!

Congrats to Wilson Betemit, Hammy nominee winner of the Yankees' DL Addition of The Day award. Way to go, bud. Seeya in 15 days!

Igawa : Scranton or Japan?

  The country is ready to vote.

I think it's time for a change.

Clearly,  Igawa needs more seasoning.

They have better seasons in Japan than in Scranton.

Let's not waste a spot in Scranton.

My vote is Japan. 

 What do you say, America?

Jeet plates pathetic 6 of Maxim 100 hotties

Jeet, Jeet, Captain, Dewd... what are we gonna do with you?

Six out of 100? You're batting .060 with the superbabes.

You're the Wil Nieves of swordsmen.

Pauly Shore probably keeps an on-base percentage of .244.

True, you're not being protected in the line-up. The last Maxim Top 100 lambchop Jason Giambi tabled was probably Liza Minelli, and that's post-Dudley Moore.

And yes, you're hitting tough curveballers: Jessica Biel, Scarlett Johansson, Mariah Carey, Vanessa Minnillo, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Alba. They throw hard and bring each, each filthy in her own way.

But Jeet, Jeet, dewd... either notch a few more hits -- bring up the average to, say, .283 -- or you'll end up like Nomar Garciappara, out with constant wrist injuries and kicked around by a soccer mom.

You gotta get back to business. Remember why Roger Clemens needed two planes? One carried Roger, and one carried his balls.

OK. Here's what you do.

.

1. For starters, no more beach photos from the Love Canal (See above.) That's like eating the clubhouse deli meat. Pig out on pastrami and cheese, and it's a surefire slump.

2. Get back to your roots. Tweak a hammy, so you can do a rehab assignment in Scranton. They have an active dinner theater in Moosic. Find a minor league prospect, and bring her to the majors. Just by associating with you, she might crack the 100. Get the picture? If the twin mountains don't come to Mohammed, Mohammed has to go find the twin mountains.

3. After Scranton, you gotta aim higher. How high? Really high. There is one Bush twin left. Cappy, you know what to do. It's called, "Taking one for the team."

Imagine it: Doing the Maxim 100 and the U.S. News & World Report 50.

Let's see Julio Lugo beat that.

Yanks Distracted by Joy Over Bush Wedding

Wilson Betemit's conjunctivitis was not the real problem.


The whole team suffers from red eyes.


Igawa, Giambi, Cano... Who can blame those crazy, madcap, joyful, loony cabaleros...


They're simply "the team that loves a wedding."


Who can swing a bat while wiping away tears!

Of course, there is a love connection between the First Lady and First Team. We'll never forget that night last fall, after losing to Cleveland, when she came to the clubhouse with her grief-healing salve.



She counseled us to keep Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes, and warned the youngsters to beware of ankle injuries.


She took time to greet our outfield. (Damon, Abreu, Cabrera, Bush, Matsui)

She convinced Giambi to strengthen his core muscles for the 2008 campaign.

Forgive Igawa. Forgive this team if we are swept.

Don't expect us to win in Detroit... because our hearts are in Crawford.

Igawa Drops $6.1 Million on Hillary

In the arcane crossovers between major league baseball and politics, this one requires everyone's concentration.

Hillary, not really wanting to tap into her $109 million nest egg but, at the same time, salivating to perpetuate the illusion of personal confidence in her slipping ( sorry ) campaign, picked up the phone and gave Japan a call.

" I knew this man had plenty of Yankee money, and was doing nothing, " said the Presidential hopeful.

" He could lend me money and, hopefully, get paid back by the Democratic National Committee when this race ends during the World Series.

I could get credit for "lending" my money to the DNC, get a tax deduction, and collect interest to boot, which co-incides with my 6 point plan for the economy."

Hillary, supposedly, sent Kei an autographed picture of herself standing in an orange pant-suit, wearing her Yankee cap with the interlocking NY.

Not wanting to lose face, and sensing his own opportunity for fame, Mr. Igawa(san) mailed her a check.

In a brief interview this morning in Detroit, Igawa said, "In Japan, she is baseball's number one lover. I loan her money so she can continue to make many noise ( some of these phrases were really difficult to translate ) in West Virginia state. Soon to be primary."

Hillary was last seen placing a bet in Vegas that Kei would last under 4 innings and give up 6 + runs. Odds were 1-2.

I am taking the over.

Prayers answered: Boomer pondering return

The spirits of every Yankee fan today have reached the stratosphere.

Our greatest dream might come true.

David Wells... a Yankee again.

Yes, calm down, we know what you're thinking...

Do not print such magnificent hopes, for ye may hex them from becoming real.

Do not raise our hopes to the Everest peak of anticipation, for we may nigh survive the downward crush.

O, but yes, you dare-to-dreamers...

Boomer is hinting that -- for the right price, which would involve a bucket stenciled with the letters KFC -- he might come out of retirement, or rehab, or whatever, to render once again unto the Yankee Universe his essence, his soul, his purple-gouted toes.

That this comes only days after the one-year anniversary of Roger Clemens' address from the centerfield pulpit surely proves that God exists, that He is an ornery God, and that -- considering the events of said year -- you don't wanna fuck around with an ornery God.

Boomer Wells... back? Wow.

Throwing that 95-mile-an-hour heat. Pitching perfect games. Restoring us with his smile. Killing us softly with his song.

David Cone, are you listening?

Iraq's Green Zone Braces for Igawa's Shelling Tonight

At first, U.S. forces might think it a mortar attack.

Nope. It'll be the homerun shots from Detroit, courtesy of "Operaton: Iggi Freedom," also known as the "Good Money After Bad" Yankee tradition.

It doesn't matter that young Stephen White has outpitched Igawa at Scranton, or that Iggy's outings have eroded from his near perfect opener, or that he might actually be our best hope for a lefty reliever, or -- hell -- that alien spacecraft are hovering over Phoenix, running chemical analyses on the indestructability of Cindy McCain's face. Nope, doesn't matter.

What matters is that we wring every last thin dime out of a bad contract..

It's the Giambi rule. Somewhere, Adam Smith must have written an economic theory that goes this