Yankees continue in role as full employment act for baseball executives

Hey, anybody need an office job? The Yanks are hiring!

No, we don't have money for Johnny Damon - yet - but we have signed former Cubs general manager Jim Hendry! And he's possesses in his head all the trade secrets behind the Cubs' success, such as... how do you put toner in the copying machine!

OK, look... hiring experienced desk jockeys isn't the worst thing, I guess.... We did it last year with Kevin Towers, now in Arizona (I believe), and I seem to recall us renting others for quick blasts, during their incestuous career romps through MLB. Theoretically, when Hendry finally plugs into a new team - as he inevitably will - he'll become an unofficial friend of the Yankees, and not be inclined to demand our entire farm system when we call about some scrap heap reliever. But I dunno...

We give these guys safe harbor for a few months, which is fine... but when they leave they know everything about our system, top to bottom. And dammit, when Hendry leaves, who will toner into our copying machine?

It is time to take nominations for January's new Oscar Mayer Lunchables Yankee of the Month

It's a new year, and we're delighted to sponsor a new sponsor:

Oscar Mayer Lunchables,

with your favorite Cartoon Network pals - and great food!

Alphonso and SuperFrankenstein eat them every day!

Hey, wouldn't you like to be a weiner, too? 

So... who belongs in the January primary? Some nominees:

Michael Pineda: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

Jesus Montero: Tower Heist

Brian Cashman: Man on a Ledge

Hiroki Kuroda: One for the Money
Mariano Rivera: The Grey

Alex Rodriguez: We Bought a Zoo

Any others?

Is Cashman truly in "serious" talks with free agent Bill Hall?

Because that's what they're saying..

Cashman: So, lemmie get this straight: It they don't find the Higgs boson, we don't exist?

Hall: No, jeez, you're not listening. The Higgs is a hypothetical, ubiquitous quantum particle with a non-zero value in its ground state. When it interacts with other forces, it gives the universe mass.

Cashman: What if the whole universe is merely the figment of one child's imagination, there is no Derek Jeter, no Mariano Rivera... and no vast revenues to spend on free agents?

Hall: There would still be plenty to spend on players - in the mind of the universe-owner-child.

Cashman: But who imagines the owner-child? And where does the team payroll come from?

Hall: All of us! We are all the owner! Don't you see it? Can't you feel it?

Cashman: Wow. This is the most rewarding contract negotiation I've ever done. We're all the owner! How about $10 million a year, for five years!

Hall: Nay, Brian. As a fellow owner, I cannot accept $10 million a year. I cannot take advantage of you.

Cashman: Damn it, Hall, I've never known anyone like you. I love you!

Hall: And I, you, Brian. But it cannot be. I cannot sign.
Cashman: Is it my fate to forever have Eduardo Nunez as utility infielder? Is my fate to always know Chris Dickerson as my acquistion?

Hall: You shouldn't have traded Jesus, man. Now, we just gotta wait for that Higgs boson.

Shocker: Storied Carolina Panthers to change famous team logo

This will infuriate traditionalists. It just won't be the same. We elders must keep the old logo in our heart -- to tell future generations -- during the NFL  "legacy weekends," selling old uniforms. Dick Butkus must be crying. Didn't he play for Carolina? Isn't there a rule about upstaging the Super Bowl with news events?

Letter to the Editor: Pain on Yankee Hill

Chico Enterprise-Record (California)
January 1, 2012 Sunday

Dear Editor,

Last September, I ordered a product from an out-of-state catalogue company. The product was a flea-and-tick control for my dog, Zipper. By November he was dead, at age 10. He had about five-plus years left.

The product according to my veterinarian had been removed from the market about six months earlier for two reasons:

1) It did not work.

2) It was toxic.

I'm seeking legal help. Is there any law firm interested in a class-action suit on dangerous product liability? This company has no right to dump a toxic product onto the market after it had been removed, then resold for about half the original cost.

I thought I was getting a deal. ... Some deal.

Kelly R. White
Yankee Hill

AFC cheats to win Pro Bowl

One of their players used trickery and moved at 75 percent speed.

Not fair.

Phil Hughes has become a monster

That's the party line from those who have seen him/it. Following his disappointing 2011 season, Hughes chose to expose himself to experimental green gamma rays, inalterably altering the composition of his DNA. The results have been astounding -- fortunately.

On other occasions, the controversial treatment has backfired.

To honor the Florida primary: Let's recall when Sara Palin met The Master

Waiting for Jesus (continued)

ALPHONSO: I am tired. We've been here six years. He must be coming soon. Surely, he is coming soon.
GIRARDI: I have news for you, and I think you should sit down before hearing it.

ALPHONSO: He is coming? Great news! What will he look like? What will his numbers be? Our wait is over?

GIRARDI: I think you need to take some deep breaths. There has been a slight change.

ALPHONSO: A slight change?

GIRARDI: Jesus is not coming. Jesus has been dealt.

ALPHONSO: Not coming.

GIRARDI: Jesus has been dealt.

ALPHONSO: So we have waited for naught?

GIRARDI: Of course not. Not for naught.

ALPHONSO: If not naught, what?

GIRARDI: Pineda. We have Pineda.

ALPHONSO: So we are waiting for Pineda?

GIRARDI: No, Pineda came. He was great for a month, and then - well - he slumped.

ALPHONSO: I don't recall him coming.

GIRARDI: Well, he didn't come unto us, but he came. And he'll be back, though.

ALPHONSO: So, we're waiting for him to return?

GIRARDI: No, we're now waiting for Sanchez.

ALPHONSO: Sanchez. Who is Sanchez?

GIRARDI: The one we are now waiting for. Gary Sanchez. Low minors. Better than Jesus. He will come. I am sure.

ALPHONSO: Jesus... isn't coming?

GIRARDI: Jesus is gone. Don't think about him. Think about Gary Sanchez.

ALPHONSO: I am tired.

GIRARDI: We're all tired. But it will be worth it. Gary Sanchez. We must wait.

ALPHONSO: Yes, we must wait. That is what we do. We must wait.

GIRARDI: Surely, he will come.

ALPHONSO: Yes, I'm sure he will come! Gary Sanchez! I wonder what he will he look like? What will his numbers be? Any day now, our wait will be over. I can feel it.

Pro Bowl: Football the way it should be

1. No one cares who wins.

2. Everybody gets to play.

3. If you mess up, opposition lets you atone.

4. Coaches don't berate players.

5. Everyone there for fun.

6. Nobody trying to "win."

7. Players treat each other like people.

8. If refs miss one, it's okay.

9. Everybody is a star!

10. Nobody ever gets hit.

Kelly Clarkson in word-shaving scandal?

The Super Bowl betting has started.

Odds are 5-2 Kelly Clarkson will forget or leave out a word of the National Anthem. The over/under stands at 1:34. Odds are 3-1 she'll show her belly.

Reason to watch?

PRO BOWL TODAY

Once again, America faces civil war:

Conference vs conference...

Division vs division...

Star vs star.

The Pro Bowl.

It's every young boy's dream: To burst into the open, slip several attempted touches and skip downfield for the winning touchdown, 77-74 -- leading your beloved conference to the greatest triumph in Hawaiian sports -- culminating a four-day drunken beach party!

For the conference.

For the grass.

For the ladies.

Who will win? Let the knife fight begin.

Has Kimmel turned against us?

This from Mr. Curtis Montague Schilling..

And that's it. Nothing more? WTF? Twitter is like the Rosetta Stone. "... the skit is going to be funny, Bloody Sock and all...?"

Let's just hope Schilling performs in drag.

O, to live the life of a Yankee star!

Asleep at the Wheel: Transcript of actual Pat Sajak and Vanna White drunken show

Game showhost Pat Sajak has told ESPN 2 that he and Vanna White occasionally taped episodesof “Wheel of Fortune” while drunk.“Vanna and I would go across and have two or three or six (drinks). Then come and do the last shows and have trouble recognizing the alphabet."
.

At considerable expense, IT IS HIGH has found lost footage of just such an event. We offer it with the warning that some of the material is "blue" and should not be shared with younger readers..

ANNOUNCER: AND NOW… LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… PAT SAJAK AND VANNA WHITE! (Applause.) And now… PAT SAJAK AND VANNA WHITE! (Applause.) Hey... Pat Sajak and Vanna White. (Applause.)

HOST: HOOO-KAYYY! Thankyoo-thankyoo-thankyoo… Owww! Who stuck that divider there? Aah, juss kidding efferbody. No problemo. VANNA WHITE, EVERYBODY! (Applause.) VANNA WHITE!

 

OK, less play Wheel of Fortune! (Applause.)

No, first, less meet our contestants. OK, who are you? Wait. I got it written down, it's in my pocket, no, here it is, RIGHT IN FRONT'VE ME. You’re John Martin, from Green Bay, Wisconsin. HOME OF VINCE LOMBARDI, RIGHT? So, uhhhm, Johnny, do you think it's right for the socialist, anti-capitalist Obama adminstration to steal from working Americans? DO YOU THINK THAT'S RIGHT? What? DON'T ANSWER THAT! Do you ever see Vince Lombardi?

CONTESTANT: No, Pat. Coach Lombardi passed away years ago. As a child, I met him once. In fact, he gave me some advice I'll never forget...

HOST: Uh-huh. Thash great. And here’s our other contestant… from, let’s see… Scrandon, Pennsyltucky! And my, my, my, what do we have here? Mm-mm, good. My goodness, you are Mindy Weaver, right? How did you fit into that sweater? Wait a minute, let me guess: 39D? So where are you from, sweetheart?

CONTESTANT: Scranton, Pennsylvania.

HOST: That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful town that has beautiful ladies. You look nervous. My God, your hands are ice. Here, does that feel better? So… you’re staying the week? Do you like boats?

What? OK, yeah, the rules! Let’s do the rules! All answers must be in the form of a question. That’s a joke! Lighten up. The rules are you pick a letter from the alphabet… for example, T… as in… “TALE OF TWO CITIES!”

 

Uh-oh. I just gave the answer. Lays and gennelmen, I blew it. The answer is “Tale of Two Cities.” I am sorry. I have never done that before. Vanna, turn over the cards.

 

What? Lays and gentlemen, I’m told that Vanna White is a bit under the weather... and hopefully over a pail. Should we take a break? No? Keep going? OK, where were we?

 

I wanna apologize. (Applause.) Awww… you people… What a great studio audience! Give yourself a hand! (Applause.) Unbelievable! When I look out, and I see all you… and it’s…  you guys… you’re fucking incredible! I love you fucking people. You hear me? I don't give a shit about saying it: I fucking love you people! (Applause.) What? VANNA WHITE IS BACK! VANNA WHITE, EVERYBODY! (Applause.)

We’ll be back after this message. I gotta hit the can. VANNA FUCKING WHITE, EVERYBODY!

TERROR IN YANKEE LAND

Yesterday, the Yankiverse snapped into DEFCON-4 for several hours, after 2010 1st round pick Cito Culver tweeted this frightening, cryptic note on Twitter.

Culver is the Rochester kid we picked first two years ago, to the vocal dismay of scouting experts within the Yankee blogosphere. Theoretically, he would replace Jeet. He's shown potential, but then this:

An MRI? Shredded shoulder? Broken femur? Spine snapped like a Hershey Bar? Why MRI?

Hours later, Culver tweeted this: I'm good just checking somethings but I'm completely fine.

QUESTION: Why would a "completely fine" player need an MRI?

QUESTION: What "somethings" is he "checking?"

QUESTION: What is the significance of the :( symbol?

Does it symbolize a broken hip?

Culver since has tweeted: Didn't mean to make ppl nervous I'm completely fine. Ready to go next year.

QUESTION: Why is he trying so hard to convince us of his health?

QUESTION: Is he trying to convince us... or himself?

QUESTION: What does he mean by "ppl?" Perforated Pancreatic Leakage?

Famed Yankee fan hints at retirement

Kim Jones' replacement?

Did the Curse of the Bambino shift to football?

In 2004, the tectonic underplates of the astral universe abruptly cleaved, allowing the Redsocks to not only win two rings, but to suck the life-force from the Yankiverse like Demi Moore on a whip-it.

I still wake up in bed, soaked and screaming, to see the bearded Johnny Damon stepping in against Javier Vazquez...

No. I have free will and choose not to go there again! No!... happythoughtshappythoughtshappythoughts...

In 2007, the juju gods blessed us: The lowly NY Giants humbled the Super Patriots. Coincidence? Bah.

Listen: There are no coincidences.

You don't just cap a force powerful enough to hobble a team since 1917. The juju must flow somewhere. So where did the Bambino go? It sure as hell didn't go to the Knicks or Rangers. It sure as hell didn't go to Rudy Giuliani's presidential campaign. Lady Gaga? Ron Paul? The Westminster Kennel Club?

How about Tom Coughlin, who - frankly - looked to be suffering from low T. How else did they beat the Patriots?

But here's the rub: In 2009, the Force re-flowed Yankeeward. We won a ring. Obvioulsy, this season it was undercutting the Redsock beer-and-chicken season-long clambake.
So where does that leave Super Bowl XLVIIIRV? Can the Gints perform a Ruthian knockout, the kind we have dreamed about since 2004? They might have to do it without the Babe...

Unless there is another force at work here...

But if so, who?

I'm studying this. Ideas?

Gary Sheffield has finally left the building

Today, the Yankees jettisoned Kevin Whelan, age 28, the former future closer — he of the bizarre face paint — the last prospect standing in the great Gary Sheffield debacle/trade of November 2006.



Turns out, we dealt Sheff to Detroit for a movie ticket and bag of buttered popcorn. Over the next two years, he hit 44 homeruns and 130 RBIs for the Tigers. (They also shelled out his substantial salary, so I guess some frugal Yankee fans out there must pro-rate it as a successful deal.) In return, we unwrapped Anthony Claggett, Humberto Sanchez and Whelan — who never seemed to find a strike zone that wasn’t doing the cha-cha.


OK, you’re right: Anyone can pick a bad trade and cry bloody murder. Truth be told, at the time, I liked the deal. Humberto was one of baseball’s hottest pitching prospects, right up there with Phil Hughes. Hell, he starred in the Futures Game. He looked like a raging bull. He wowed the keepers of jugs guns everywhere. Until his elbow crumbled. I think he pitched two innings in the majors.


Listen, we all know the reality: Whenever you trade a hitter for a pitcher, there is a decent chance you just gave away a sure thing for a nuthing. Cashman knows it. Girardi knows it. Seattle knows it. All the sportswriters who just finished congratulating the Yankees for being so smart... they know it. (They knew it 11 years ago, when we traded Mike Lowell to Florida for Todd Noel, Mark Johnson and Ed Yarnall.)


A month ago, we stood one free agent signing away from a near certainty of repeating as AL East champs. Now, welll, we might be on the verge of being a great team.

Or we might have pulled another Sheffield.

Let's sign Humanis Centepedes

Communism-hating Cuban video star Yoenis Cespedes is now an official free agent, holed-up in some Dominican Republic Best Western, perusing the continental breakfast entres and pretending he didn't just go 5-for-35 in a winter league tryout.

So why do we keep reading how he's too expensive for the Yankees to sign? The shit he is. We're the Yankees. We wash our sports cars with cash. Free cash, like in the Capital One commercials. It flows from clueless and massively evil corporate bigwigs who do sexytime in their enclosed luxury boxes. Of course we have the money! No Cuban on earth, aside from maybe Fidel himself, has ever been too expensive for the Yankees to sign. The Steinbrothers merely have to decided to spend their money, rather than park it in Cayman Island snow removal services.

Good grief, while we're crying poverty, the Redsocks are courting Edwin Jackson, practically writing the check in John Lackey's blood. We traded Jesus Montero and Hector Noesi for a kid who flailed like a dead trout during the months of August and September, and who knows if he'll be any good, because we wouldn't sign anybody. (Well, yeah, we did sign Kuroda, but for one year, relatively cheap.) We didn't want Jackson. We couldn't afford him.

OK, look... no more dissing the trade. But all we've ever had to do was grow our own players and buy a free agent or two every year. Do that, and we will win. They'll hate us, but they already do anyway. We never need to trade. It's when we choose to be cheap - to show how smart we are (and how dumb they are) - the joke turns on us.

If the billionaire Steinbrenners - yes, my friends, billionaires - simply siphoned less money for cigarettes and dip, we could have signed Edwin Jackson and kept Noesis and Montero. (Kuroda? Meh.) We wouldn't be now debating who must go so we can trade for a DH.

Why not sign Centepedes, park him in Scranton and see what he's got? Sign a DH? Dammit, we're not Greece. We're the Yankees. Spend the money, Hal. You can't take it with you.

Yankeetorial: Jorge and Bernie both belong in the Hall, dammit, and we don't need self-loathing Yankee fans to say otherwise

Jorge Posada and Bernie Williams don't have cartoonish, Wilt-Chamberlain-v-Knicks-like career numbers. But you know what they do got? Rings. Eleven of them. You gotta take off a boot to count.

They don't have MVP awards. All they did was work the middle of the greatest dynasty in baseball history.

Yep. No misprint. Greatest. Dynasty. History.

How dareth me to speaketh such Stigyan bullsheth? What of the Big Red Machine? Oakland? Babe and Lou, Mick and Rog, Thurm and Reggie? The Beatles!

Great clubs, yep. None had to win three rounds of playoffs. Since the dawn of the October-long postseason, only one team has won four out of five rings. Bernie and Jorge. Nobody else comes close. That is flat-out greatness. You hear? The kind of domination exercized by Liz Taylor over donuts. They did it.

But get this: Unless you self-loathing Yankee fans out there get off your stubbled, Pete-Gammons-exploded-blue-nostril-colored butts, and quit swallowing the media cud hawked up by the ESPN anti-Yankee hate machine, the greatest team ever will barely rate a garlic fart in the Hall of Fame.

That's right, comrades. Jorge and Bernie fought for us. Will we fight for them? If no, then who will? The sportswriters? Get real. They're self-pleasuring literary poohbahs, too important to play favorites. They'll tout the career numbers of some unsung KC Royal who never sucked in the playoffs because his team never made them... while Bernie and Jorge were winning rings.

OK, I know what you're thinking: But Duque, they don't have the numbers of Carl Bumwickle of the Marlins, and since Carl isn't in the Hall, they shouldn't make it either, wah-wah-wah. And everybody says there are too many Yankees in the Hall, so we should keep quiet, and maybe people will start liking us, wah-wah-wah. Oh, I wish I were a Mets fan, so everybody would feel sorry for me, wah-wah-wah...

Listen, you delusional, Phillie-hearted, rubber-kneed guilt-lapping pugs, Yankee fans have to stop hating themselves for supporting the richest team in baseball, and we have to start fighting for our troops on the ground.
BERNIE FOR THE HALL.
JORGE FOR THE HALL.
GREATEST TEAM EVER... PUT THEM ON THE WALL.

Linx

Yankees in 3D?

Yank vendor buckles under Gingrich pressure, releases 2011 tax return

Arod selling his dump for $8 million

This is where Arod sits and reads his magazines.

Arod bought the place for $5.5 million last March, and he's flipping it for $8 million. That's the city of Utica across the river. Notice how the pillows are arranged.

UH-Oh. Did The Tigers Just Win The Pennant?

Newsflash;

That other Prince just signed with Detroit.

Great pitching + Great Hitting = UH-oh.

Who should replace Kim Jones?

First Jesus, now this. Kim Jones is leaving YES. The world is collapsing around us.

Get a grip. What matters is that Coach Coughlin - the Joe Torre of football - rallies his team of concussionists for the greatest back-to-back humiliation of Boston -- wait, they're New England, right? - since Pumpsie Green.
Where was I? Kim is tired of interviewing players who are staring 16 inches below her eyes. Who can blame her?

Who should become the new First Lady of YES?

Pro: Get more Yankees on "Most Interesting People" List

Con: Players tired of being asked what kind of tree they would be. 

Pro: Yankees would be named "Person of the Week"

Con: Would claim that even though score is 12-2,

there is no loser because both teams tried hard.

Pro: Asks Jeet, "Who are you wearing?"

Con: Hits on Arod, sending him into slump. 

Disney has rolled over: It is now time to end the Yankees barbaric, discriminatory ban on facial hair

Look into those eyes. See the hurt? See the frustration? My friends, that is the hair-framed face of pain, the look of a man who had to leave his team to find his own true self.

HOW MANY MORE FOLICLES MUST DIE FROM YOUR FATHER'S VENGEFUL BLADE, MISTERS STEINBRENNER?

HOW MANY MORE HONEST CHINS MUST BE SCRAPED RAW OF THEIR MANLY MANES, JUST SO YOU WHO CANNOT GROW A KINGLY PELT SHALL NOT FEEL PERSONALLY DIMINISHED?

Yesterday, the most devious corporation on the planet - Disney - finally abandoned its medieval rule that forbade servants to feature facial furniture. Yes, it's 2012 - not 1433. And yes, we're talking about a corporation whose cartoon animations require every bad guy shy of the Lion King to have a beard. (Remember: Disney is the group that gave us the Insane Clown Posse.) And yet, in terms of human rights, they are ahead of the Yankees.

In fact, compared to us, they are Ron Paul hippies. What in the name of Oscar Gamble's Afro and Mattingly's mustache are we thinking? Must we really be telling Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera how to look? Are we that obsessive? They're old men, damnit. If they want to braid their nasal hair, why should we care? Besides, who knows what Arod would do with a free range lip? He might grow a miniature A-Rod! Hell, he might grow a couple clutch base hits.

We are now the last organizations in the entire entertainment industry (not counting the Pussycat Dolls and Mormon Boys Choir) to ban facial hair.

Come on, Yankees. Hairy people were born this way. They have a right to live the way they want.

END THE YANKEE HAIR BAN!
LET MY PEOPLE GROW! 

Paterno drops to 15th on All-Time Joe List

New Rankings (previous)

1. DiMaggio (1)
2. Louis (3)
3. Frazier (5)
4. Torre (2)
5. Cocker (5)
6. Montana (6)
7. Girardi (8)
8. Blow (u)
9. Strummer (7)
10. Mauer (u)
11. Cool (u)
12. Garigiola (u)
13. Mama (u)
14. Pesci (9)
15. Paterno (10)
16. Biden (u)
17. Morgan (u)
18. Morris (u)
19. Walsh (u)
20. Namath (u)

My State of the Franchise Address

Mr. Girardi, Mr. Cashman, President Levine, players, coaches, Steinbrenners, spouses, actresses, ex-lady wrestlers, fake Twitter accounts, media tools, juju enthusiasts, fellow faceless and nearly non-existent fans…

And especially, seated down in front, Mr. Tom Coughlin and his New York football Giants! (wild applause)

Today, we of the New York sports base are on the verge of the greatest Boston humiliation in history. (applause)

I am talking about the most painful, diamond-tipped noogie to their billiards academy since the grand emergence of one Mister Bucky F. Dent. (Applause, chants of U-S-A, U-S-A.)

If our Brothers in Blue (applause) can rake the Patriots in the Super Bowl, less than six months after the great Redsock collapse of 2011 (applause)-- it will be the kind of confluence of events that restores belief in God, or at least UFOs. Tom Brady and Jacoby Ellsbury can go down forever as losers! remembered in the same breath as Mr. William F. Buckner.

But beware... Do not trust them. Never... (booing)

As I speak, they are scheming against us, brooding in their dark bunkers. This weekend, they traded Marco Scutero and thus, currently have no shortstop. (shout from crowd: "Let em die!")

But you don’t touch a rattlesnake lying in the middle of the road.

They have evil in mind. Rope-a-dope. A hidden bomb. Murder. We must be vigilant.

But we have the greatest homerun hitter in our generation. (applause)

We have the greatest closer in history. (big applause)

We have the greatest shortstop in history. (explosions, balloon drop, Katy Perry wardrobe malfunction, chants of USA)

And we have a chance for the greatest Boston humiliation – back to back, Giants and Yankees -– in history.

Dare we believe?

Update: Things Apparently Not Going As Hoped