Thursday, May 15, 2008
We're living in Bizarro Yankee world

Pettitte gets slapped around by the Rays; Mussina is lights-out.
We're in last place, and the Dev ... excuse me, the Rays ... are in first.
Kennedy and Hughes have been disasters; Rasner looks like Cy Young.
Jeter can't get a clutch base hit; Farnsy has been mostly reliable (and even dusted Manny).
The Rays are in FIRST PLACE.
Posada, who had NEVER been on the DL in his entire career, is hurt.
Cano spends almost two months below the Mendoza line.
... did I mention the freakin' Rays are in first place?
Igawa pitches and gets hammered ... well, at least some things never change.
Yankee Agony of Defeat Quiz
a) Inched upward by 0.11.
b) Is now at 8.48.
c) Is still lower than Phil Hughes'.
d) Is 10.00 lower than Kei Igawa's.
e) All of the above.
2. The Yankees left 17 runners on base, eight of them by...
a) Jason Giambi and Johnny Damon.
b) Johnny Giambi and Jason Damon.
c) Jason Gamon and Johnny Diambi.
d) Johnny Jason and Damon Giambi.
3. In today's starting line-up, five of our nine hitters had batting averages below ... a) .220
b) the belt.
c) par.
d) just way down below.
4. Before the game, Kei Igawa was sent...
a) to Scranton.
b) to Timbuktu
c) to the moon.
b) 57 pizzas.
5. A-Rod hopes to rejoin the team on...
a) Tuesday.
b) Ecstacy.
c) acid.
6. ESSAY: Jean-Paul Sarte wrote, "God is absence. God is the solitude of man." Compare and contrast Sarte's vision with that of the stated comments of Henry-Hank Steinbrenner. (50 words or less)
Whadda ya say we all just chill
What Rumsfeld Would Say About These Yankees
"You go to Tampa with the team you have, not the team you wish you had."
"There are known bums -- bums that we know are bums -- and there are the unknown bums: We don't know about them, but they are bums. But there are also unknown bum bums -- the bums that we know that turn out to be the bums that we didn't know. And one of them might just be playing firstbase."
"I don't do quagmires. I don't do politics. I don't do bullpens."
"Manager Girardi and I agree on every single issue that has ever been before this pitching staff, and he is complete support of our decision to go with only three starters and two bullpen helpers."
"It is unknowable how long Cano's slump will last. It could last six days. I doubt six weeks."
"Needless to say, Hank Steinbrenner is correct, in whatever it was he said."
Public Response to Bern and Suzyn
Proposed: The Yankees should stop acting like a small-market team
An e-mail exchange between Wailin' Suzyn and BernBabyBern:
Bern,
Here's the issue: Brian Cashman is trying to run the Yankees with a small-market mentality in a big market. It won't work.
In a small market, it's better to lose a player a year too early rather than a year too late. A small market team would not have resigned Rivera. It wouldn't have resigned Posada. Both either would have been traded last year for a band of merry prospects or allowed to walk. In a small market, talk this month and next would revolve around trading Matsui, Giambi, Abreu and Mussina before the July deadline.
Oddly, I agree with Hank: Cashman taking the "develop our prospects" approach akin to Oakland or Minnesota or Tampa Bay, is doomed to failure in a big market.
Sincerely,
Wailin' Suzyn
Suzyn, you ignorant slut
(Sorry, couldn't resist)
Cash's plan isn't doomed to failure -- as long as Hank lets him hang around after this year.
Fact is, the Yanks started their roll in the 1990s when they pulled a decidedly small-market move. They moved a bunch of promising kids in the lineup (Jeter, Posada, Rivera, Williams, Pettitte) and let them play. Then, they added key mercenaries ... oops, excuse me, veterans ... to push the kids over the top.
Cashman has rebuilt the Yanks farm system to the point where he once again believes he's got a crop of kids who could be something special. Problem is, the team made a bunch of big-money signings in a desperate attempt to keep the 1990s going. Now, all the signings at the beginning of the decade are old, decrepit and make too much money to get rid of (hello there, Jason).
Even the Yankees budget ain't unlimited. Cash has got to be salivating at the prospect of dumping about $80 million in payroll after this season (Giambi, Mussin ai, Pavano, Pettitte, Farnsy, Hawkins, Abreu; plus Matsui and Damon after 2009). Put all that money back in the budget, and we'll see how "small market" Brian is.
That is, if he ain't in Washington or Philly next year.
Yours in baseball,
BernBabyBern
Dearest Bern
I didn't miss the point at all. If, in fact, the small-market approach was started in the 1990s, it wasn't allowed to follow its natural life -- that being shedding yourself of the Posadas, Riveras and the Pettittes at the appropriate time. The fact that this didn't occur makes my point -- you can't do the small-market-develop-your-own-talent dance in a big market.
You artfully avoided my point, which is: If Cashman is taking the develop-your-own route, he should be dealing not dumping to restock the farm system. He can't do that because of the big-market expectations.
Again, I say, he's screwed. His approach can't work in New York, and your big-market frame of reference is messing with your ability to see this. What he needs to do is return to the old days of picking the cream of the crop from the rest of the league and forget about salvation arriving through the farm system. That's the natural order of things. Stop messin' with nature.
Suzyn.
Suz,
"Wasn't allowed to follow its natural life?" Geez, we only made the playoffs 13 years in a row. That's a natural life any other team would be damn happy with. Sorry we weren't unbeaten one of those years.
But anyway, you show the small-market mindset in your argument. It's the choice - develop your talent, or buy your way to a title.
Here's the big-market response: Why choose? It's like at the end of "Trading Places," after everyone's gotten rich (way, way after Jamie Lee Curtis' obligatory topless scene). The question is posed to the heroes - "Lobster or cracked crab?" The answer? "Why can't we have both?" A Yankee answer if there ever was one.
You're right on the expectations thing -- small-market teams suck for a decade, have a good year and they're a big success story. The Yanks make the playoffs every year since 1995 with four world titles in that span, and then we dip under .500 in mid-May and Stubby is threatening to kick the manager's ass.
But the key is this. Just picking the cream of the crop is what we did in the 1980s -- and it didn't work until the farm system came through with some talent we didn't trade away. And Cash's problem now is the failure of the "cream of the crop" attitude earlier this decade has busted even the Yankees' budget. We gambled and lost on long-term, big-money deals for guys like Giambi, Mussina and Pavano, and now we're paying the price.
No, Cash ain't dealing yet. Do you think anyone will give a prospect worth anything for Giambi? And let's be honest. There is some talent here. After 13 straight years in the playoffs, May is a little soon to give up and have a fire sale.
We've got a shitload of young talent that's either here (Cano, Cabrera, Joba) or on the way (Jackson, Gardner, etc.). This year is the "have patience" year. Hank needs to shut up, wait until all the dead weight is gone after this season, and use that $80 million on guys who can do more than DH.
Bern
YES, WE CAN! Miracle Yanks Topple 1st-Place Rays
These crazy kids, you can't help but fall in love with 'em... again!
I'm tellin' ya, they just don't know any better, so they go out and beat the big boys, in their own back yard... in front of more than 20,000 people.
I'm still shaking. MY HANDS ARE TREMBLING ON THE KEYBOARD. THE DAMN THING IS STUCK ON CAPS LOCK, AND I'M TOO EXCITED TO TURN IT OFF!
THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S CAPS-LOCK TIME ON THE KEYBOARDS!
BLOGGERS, LOCK ALL YOUR KEYBOARDS ONTO CAPS! LET'S SHOW YANKIVERSE BLOGIDARITY!
ALL YOU CYNICS, ALL YOU DOUBTERS, ALL YOU BLAME-YANK-FIRSTERS, YOU KNOW WHY YOU DO DON'T MATTER?
DO? YOU? KNOW? WHY? YOU? DON'T? MATTER?
Because -- (wait a second, something happened to the caps-lock!? ooooh, hell with it, I'm too excited to bother with it, but I will tone down my remarks, accordingly.) While you angry downer-doubters were blogplaining that the team is too fat, old and stupid to win the big Tapioca Enchalada... they weren't listening.
Holy shit! I'm in italics. (OK, stay focused. This is good. This adds emphasis! People read italics with more interest, because the letters are slanted. I can get away with more.)
Goddamm you, you blogiots, you blogtards! It took a certain Uncle Hank to get the kids together and tell them to believe in themselves... the way he believes in them. Maybe he promised to quit smoking if they win the World Series. Maybe he told them a certain story of a miracle horse named Seabuscuit.
Who cares what he said. I don't care if he recited "Wind Beneath My Wings." It worked.
KEEP JERKING THE REINS, MR. HANK. HUG THE RAIL. USE THE WHIP.
IF WE COME IN SECOND WITH A BROKEN HOOF, HELL, WE'LL PUT HER DOWN!
BUT LET'S NOT THINK ABOUT THAT NOW. WE'RE 3.5 GAMES OUT.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? YESSSSSS!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Yankee Victory Quiz
If we had lost tonight, old George would have gone ballistic and...
a) Fired Joe Girardi.
b) Fired Joe Torre.
c) Fired Dallas Green.
d) Fired, then rehired Billy Martin.
Answer: (None of the above. But Bobby Meachem would have been demoted to Columbus.)
We won tonight because...
a) Hank criticized us.
b) Joe Girardi held a team meeting.
c) Moose sold his soul to Satan.
d) Abreu's pop fly to left dinked in.
Answer: (None of the above. Actually, Ohlendorf sold his soul to Satan in exchange for a line-drive DP to Jeter)
While we were winning tonight, the Redsocks were losing because..
a) Reliever Javier Lopez got hammered
b) Reliever Craig Hansen got hammered.
c) Reliever Hideki Okajima got hammered.
d) All their relievers got hammered.
Answer (d... And they still didn't dare bring in Timlin!)
How would Goose celebrate?
Giambi gives no indication he'll follow Sorenstam, Henin into retirement
Mini Boss' Bash of Bombers Resonates
I had a brief sit-down with Hank yesterday, after his tirade at the Daily News. I told him that our Yankee Blog ( 83rd most popular in world ) had 18,000 plus unique visitors yesterday ( thanks to El Duque ), and that our fellow Yankee fanatics really want to understand what Executive Management is saying about this team.
Hank graciously agreed.
ALPHONSO INTERPRETATION:
Mini Boss says: " The bottom line is that the team is not playing the way it is capable of playing."
Alphonso : This is a .500 team. We built it that way.
Mini Boss says: " These players are paid a lot of money and they had better decide for themselves to earn that money."
Alphonso: Or what? Send Giambi and Cano down to Scranton? Trade Abreu and Damon for BJ Upton ? Send nude photos to Pataki?
Mini Boss says : " We have good professional hitters and I have a lot of faith in them."
Alphonso: The same faith that prevents tsunamis, cyclones, tornadoes, earthquakes and hurricanes.
Mini Boss says: " I'm not saying they are not giving the effort, but they need to be playing harder."
Alphonso : Huh?
I'm worn out. Tired of sitting on this bench. I'm going for a beer.
A Nightmare
What does Hank mean when he says, "by force?"
"This is going to get turned around. If it’s not turned around this year, then it will be turned around next year, by force if we have to.”
Teach Carl Pavano the art of discipline.
Hopefully, we'll improve. Hate to think of the alternative...

Tuesday, May 13, 2008
No More Igawamania
'Mildly Hyperbolic' Our Rosy Red Butts!
Yankeetorial: Let's Lay Off Igawa
Open letter to the Yankee Blogiverse:
Far be it from us to whine about the unspeakable treatment of Mr. Kei Igawa.
Frankly, we're disgraceful. Buzz Bissinger should come to our homes, sleep with our wives and steal our cattle.
But, hey, that's us. We're angry at the world -- ever try to get AA batteries out of the hard plastic packs, you'll goddamm cut yourself. And will girlie blogs ever stop printing photos of Amy Winehouse with their starlet bikiini collections, WTF, ouch, they ruin the mood! -- so we lash out.
Lately, the Yankiverse has been ripping on Kei. He's the new Carl, the new Hank.
But it's all wrong. Here's why.
1. It's not his fault we're overpaying him. And he's not the only one.
2. It doesn't help. The Redsock blogiverse pumps up Coco Crisp, trying to boost his trade value. (Which is pathetic, BTW, because nobody cares what bloggers say.)
3. We have no lefty bullpen specialist. If Igawa becomes the guy who gets Papi out, who cares what we makes?
4. Jose Contreras. It took him three years. We traded him for a bottle of cough syrup. He took the Chisox to the Series.
So here's the plan... (it's similar to Operation: Chaos)...
No more hitting on Kei Igawa.
Let's get behind our Pitching Ambassador to the Oriental Arts!
Kei Igawa, A Poem.
Kei Igawa!
Ours today.
He's our flowah.
He's O-Kei!
Kei Igawa!
Won't betray
Pitching powah,
He's O-Kei!
Kei Igawa!
Hear him say,
"Batter: Cowah!
"I'm O-Kei."
Kei Igawa!
No delay.
In the showah,
He's O-Kei.
Monday, May 12, 2008
A-Quad to Miss Mets Series Unless... WE OPERATE
His lips say yes. But his MRI says no.
Fortunately, we navigate to the oblongatta, where we find his subconsicous celebrating the joy of a home run.
Ah. At last, we finally make the troubled quad. OMG, it needs work.
No way can we clean this up by the Mets series. It might be July.
Feeling Elliot Johnson's Good Vibrations in Durham
Back in Durham (AAA) after a .158 cup of coffee in Tampa, Elliot Johnson didn't bowl over any Yankee catchers today, but he did hit a long homer to right field in a 9-1 win over Syracuse.
Johnson went 2-4 with a dinger and 4 RBI, raising his AAA average to .224 in a 9-1 win.
More importantly, he gave the crowd of 5,596 (including me) a chance to party on the positive side, because his "at-bat" music is none other than Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's Good Vibrations! (#2 on the Norwegian singles chart in 1991.)
After his third plate appearance, I heard the following conversation in the stands....
College Girl # 1: Do you think the players get to pick their own music?
College Girl # 2: Yeah, I think so.
CG1: (laughs) 'Cause this guy is playing Marky Mark!
CG2: Yeah, what a loser!!
Well said, College Girl # 2. Well said.
Come to Boca, David!
David Cone is reportedly looking for a new place to live. Might we humbly suggest Boca Raton, home to lots of other people named Cohen? (Yes, David will have to spell his name differently, but that's a small price to pay.)
Of course, there are a few redsocks fans down there, but what can you do?
Mid Sahara School for Dentistry Beckons Igawa
What did Jeter write on Girardi's lineup card?
A mystery from today's Times...
The batting order and the rainout prompted an unusual exchange of
good-natured teasing between Jeter and Manager Joe Girardi.
After the postponement, Girardi gave Jeter the lineup card as a souvenir. When Girardi left, Jeter took out a pen, wrote a message, walked down the hall, knocked on Girardi’s office door and quickly handed back the card.
What did he write? “Oh, I can’t tell you that,” Jeter said.
OK, what was it?
A question?A comment?
News?
Some serious writing?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
AL Blogiverse: Announcing "OPERATION CHAOS"

To the Blogiverse that follows American League teams...
(Yes, you Rays Index, and you, Drunk Jays Fans, you, Doc Proc, Honest Abe, sliders, you poetizers, you dirty dogs, you, Murdoch, you injured pitchers, you Bob Costas punching-bags, and of course you...!)
It is time to follow in the inspirational footsteps of the Master, Mr. Rush Hudson Limbaugh.
(Which does not necessarily mean standing at the keyboard, due to the pain of a draft-deferment-causing pilonidal cyst.)
As everyone knows, Mr. Limbaugh ruined the Democratic Party's chances in 2008 by dispatching his army of unique visitors to cast primary votes for Hillary Clinton, thus destroying Barack Obama.
We! Must! Follow! Suit!
The All-Star Game in July will determine World Series home field advantage. Clearly, the AL must win...
SO LET US IMPLEMENT:
OPERATION: CHAOS
LET’S SABOTAGE THE NATIONAL LEAGUE ROSTER.
MLB is allowing anyone to vote on-line 25 times. Using fake names and email addresses, each of us can vote a million times.
Let's not cast votes for Hillary Clinton, but Wily Mo Pena!
Here’s the NL batting order we need to face. (Each is on the ballot.)
Omar Vizquel, San Francisco Giants, ss
Ty Wigginton, Houston Astros, 3b
Wily Mo Pena, Washington Nats, rf
Mike Cameron, Milwaukee Brewers, cf
Shane Victorino, Colorado Rockies, lf
Dan Ortmeier, San Francisco Giants, 1b
David Ross, Cinncinati Reds, c
Jason Nix, Colorado Rockies, 2b
(And while we're at it, Yank fans, let's support our most productive shortstop: Julio E. Lugo, Boston Redsocks.)
Vote early. Vote often.
Remember the motto:
"Tinkers to Evers to Chaos."
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Yankee Victory Quiz
Not Kosher!
Congrats to Wilson Betemit, Hammy nominee winner of the Yankees' DL Addition of The Day award. Way to go, bud. Seeya in 15 days!
Igawa : Scranton or Japan?
The country is ready to vote.
Jeet plates pathetic 6 of Maxim 100 hotties
2. Get back to your roots. Tweak a hammy, so you can do a rehab assignment in Scranton. They have an active dinner theater in Moosic. Find a minor league prospect, and bring her to the majors. Just by associating with you, she might crack the 100. Get the picture? If the twin mountains don't come to Mohammed, Mohammed has to go find the twin mountains.
3. After Scranton, you gotta aim higher. How high? Really high. There is one Bush twin left. Cappy, you know what to do. It's called, "Taking one for the team."
Imagine it: Doing the Maxim 100 and the U.S. News & World Report 50.
Let's see Julio Lugo beat that.
Yanks Distracted by Joy Over Bush Wedding
Wilson Betemit's conjunctivitis was not the real problem.
The whole team suffers from red eyes.
Igawa, Giambi, Cano... Who can blame those crazy, madcap, joyful, loony cabaleros...
They're simply "the team that loves a wedding."
Who can swing a bat while wiping away tears!
Of course, there is a love connection between the First Lady and First Team. We'll never forget that night last fall, after losing to Cleveland, when she came to the clubhouse with her grief-healing salve.
She counseled us to keep Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes, and warned the youngsters to beware of ankle injuries. 
She took time to greet our outfield. (Damon, Abreu, Cabrera, Bush, Matsui)
She convinced Giambi to strengthen his core muscles for the 2008 campaign.









