Before yesterday, we planned to stomp on their Achilles heel - the starting rotation. David Price's heat would lose another 5 mph, Rick Porcello would meet Gigi Hadid, the others would morph into Matt Clement and Dice-K. Meanwhile, Luis Cessa would become Luis Tiant and Chad Green... um... Mean Chad Green. Well, aint a-gonna happen. The networks have spoken. They're never wrong.
Chris Sale will win the 2017 Nobel Prize for Literature (it doesn't always go to novelists, anymore), and Boston will clinch the AL East on June 30. (Mike Tyson's birthday.) It was Brian Cashman himself - who has an incredible ability to sound like a mere bystander, rather than as 15-year architect of the Yankee malaise - who yesterday called Boston "the Golden State Warriors of baseball."
And yet, I'm alive, ALIVE! I survived jumping off the bridge. (In Syracuse, you land in snow.) Here's why...
1. The Golden State Warriors did not win the NBA championship. Wait, was the Cashmeister being ironic?
2. Right now, the Jays, Rays and O's have suffered paper losses. With luck, the 2016 Yanks could leapfrog Toronto and Showaltertown, and chase a wild card. Houston looks like The Man in the west, and Cleveland rules the Sloppy Central. The rest are tomato cans, we're Campbell's. It's a wild card year! Get out the can-opener! Woo-woo!
3. The Redsocks just traded away the top prospect in all of baseball. In this day and age, I don't know how a team does such a thing. It could haunt them for decades. The name Moncada will no longer torture me. In fact, it could come to instantaneously rupture the gloat glands of Redsock fans. Every time they hear it, their brains will fart, and they will run wailing into the nearest open sewer. Wouldn't that be sweet?
4. Boston also traded Travis Shaw, so they are back to the Panda at 3B. He's been a complete bust, thus far. Sometimes, the juju gods simply do not want a certain guy to play in a certain city. Remember Carl Pavano? Good everywhere... but one place.
5. I'm done with wailing like a Mafia widow over our refusal to pony up for Moncada. But let's use this occasion to once again spew some righteous, acid bile toward Shallow Hal Steinbrenner. The grim-faced boy owner will bank a shit-ton of money over the duration of the next Collective Bargaining Agreement. The stockholders should build him a plaque. But unless he wins a championship, he is going to be reviled like a serial killer. If Boston wins the 2017 WS, they will open a three ring lead over us in this millennium. If they win in 2017, they will have four WS since 2001. That's the only metric by which Hal will ever be measured, and believe me, across the Yankiverse, it won't be fun to be him.
6. Let's again note how top prospects have become a standard MLB currency. Boston spent $60 million on Moncada and then traded him for
7. I can't see how we could have obtained Chris Sale without crashing our computers. News accounts say the Nats offered two major prospects,and the White Sox didn't blink. My guess is we would have had to trade Gleyber Torres, Clint Frazier, Aaron Judge and more. We'd have Sale for two rotten years, with nobody to back him or score runs. We'd be the 2016 White Sox. Why bother?
8. This is blaspheme, but considering the market for ace pitchers right now, the Yankees should actually take offers for Masahiro Tanaka. He's got the trick elbow, plus an an opt-out clause next winter - when Hal will surely develop alligator arms. Of course, we can trade him at the July 31 deadline, if we're out of it. Yes, he's a great Yankee. Yes, I wish he would play his entire career with us. But due diligence requires thinking ugly thoughts.
9. The bright side: We can devote ourselves to full hate and negativity. We can become obsessed with meanness and malevolence toward Boston. We can be like those fake news sites that tied Hillary Clinton to Satanic cults. Wow, I feel better already! Sale has thrown 1,200 MLB innings. Elbows aint forever, mwahahaha. If he tweaks a gonad or turns into Price, mwahahahahaha. And we can root-root-root for Moncada. If becomes a star, Redsock fans will crawl out of their skins. It's been a while since Boston traded Jeff Bagwell. I'm rooting for Yoan... and Satan!
10. Everything now hinges on Aroldis Chapman. I really don't want to lose a first-round pick because we had to sign Kenley Jansen. What's the point of that? With Chapman - and some dumb luck - 2016 could be interesting. Without him, fukkit, the networks have already declared their winner.