The Universal Language

Fans de los Yankees quieren despedir a ‘Big Papi’ Ortiz mostrándole las nalgas https://t.co/6p7AwJTa5z pic.twitter.com/nixQhUkgd1

— La Opinión (@LaOpinionLA) September 28, 2016

He wants it to happen.

Wow

The past 24 hours have been astonishing in the world of www.MoonBigPapi.com.  

First, David Ortiz released a gracious article in which he gave a shout out to our cause.  This, in turn, opened the floodgates for a previously skittish NY media.  We've been mentioned in a few NY Post articles, CBS Sports, and almost countless Boston media outlets.

I will tell you that it was positively SURREAL to be sitting in my living room last night listening to the announcers on NESN talk about us just before Big Papi's second at bat.

We've had about 10,000 new visitors to the site as a direct result of the above.

The best part -- really and truly the best part -- is that everyone gets it.  They get that it's fun.  They get that it will be monumental.  I can't tell you how much it warms my heart that Big Papi said in his pre-game interview:

"That moon thing.  Can you imagine?  If it happens, I want to make sure I have my cell phone in my back pocket."

I also got an email this morning and it also made my day:

Just hearing about this today. This is great! 

I love the website and the energy behind it! Can't make it to the game, but I'm married to a Red Sox fan, so if it's all the same to you, I'll just moon her! Bottoms up!

For everyone reading this, if you had no plans for tomorrow night, get on StubHub now and buy some seats.  This will be more fun than you've had in years.  Be there.

Yankeetorial: It's almost time to make history

Ladies and gentlemen, lads and lassies, boys and girls of all ages, fellow wearers of the Midnight Blue...

I come to you in mega-reality, without any gassy undercurrent of hype, to bathe naked today in the rancid pickle juice of truth...

We stand at the precipice of the most important moment in modern Yankee history.

Thursday night, Yankee fans must do what the franchise will not.

We must take things into our own hands - things like our butt cheeks. We must pay tribute to David Ortiz in our own unique and astonishingly memorable way.

We must moon Big Papi.

Listen: This is not public indecency. This is not lewdness or pornography. If you don't want to drop your pants, then don't. Just TURN, BEND AND POINT TO YOUR BUTT.

TURN, BEND AND POINT. 

This is not criminal lewdness. This is hilarity. This is fan direct action. This is childish - yes - and crazy, of course. But it will go down next to Ducky Medwick being pelted with veggies in the 1934 World Series - except no one throws anything, no one gets hurt. This will go down with the White Sox' Disco Demolition - except no one blows anything up, no one gets hurt. This will go down with Bernie serenading Jeet in Boston - except it doesn't drip with false sincerity... and last 90 minutes, nobody gets bored. 

This will be the first new universal tool of fans since the inception of The Wave.

Here's what's crazy: Papi even wants it. He will laugh. He will cry. It will become part of his legend. He understands what miserable Redsock trolls - the kind who cannot even enjoy a winning team - don't get: That a mass-mooning of David Ortiz will be forever remembered... fondly.

The Yankees won't mention it. They are a country club franchise, which is run with the puritanical zeal of your pearls-clutching Aunt Edna, the one who recites passages from Donald Trump books over Thanksgiving dinner. Last night, Michael Kay wouldn't even say the word "moon." He edited Papi's statements to suggest Ortiz talked about being "booed." Yes, the Yankees want no part of bootless and unhorsed fans. They want no silliness. They want millionaires who'll sit quietly until the scoreboard instructs them to cheer. Fans should never embarrass the franchise. That would bother Aunt Edna.

So Thursday night, let's do something crazy.

If you're squeamish about showing your butt, then don't. Just turn around, bend over, and point. 

TURN, BEND AND POINT. 

Fifty thousand people... turning, bending, pointing... he'll get the message. 

TURN, BEND AND POINT. 

It will a photograph for the ages. TURN, BEND AND POINT.

Last night, when Ortiz came up in the ninth, those weren't boos you heard. That was the fans yelling, "MOOOOOOOOOOOOON." Let's make history.

PSA: my dad is working security at the yankee game tonight and If you moon big papi you will be arrested instantly https://t.co/yOp9jGqepW

— baseball reddit (@baseballreddit) September 27, 2016

David Ortiz's farewell: Don't forget to print out a poster to bring to Yankee Stadium!

Don't forget to print out your mini-poster (or big poster, if you have a large-format printer) to bring to Yankee Stadium for Big Papi's farewell series.

You can hold up the sign while waiting for you opportunity to moon him.

THE MOON MISSION MAKES LATE NIGHT

“Well, last time I heard, [they were] planning [to] moon me,” Ortiz said, jokingly. “You’re talking about 100,000 buttcheeks out there looking at me.”

Or watch it.

BIG PAPI TO NYC: MOON ME

"Let me tell you something. If 50,000 people moon me, I promise you two things. First, I’m gonna laugh so hard I might start crying. Then when the tears dry, I’m gonna step up to the plate and try to hit the ball all the way to the choo choo train."

UPDATE: moonbigpapi responds.

Yankees win game nobody watched

A future Yankee Classic? And I missed it. Go figure...

Last night, the entire free world was watching the season opener of Real Housewives of Orange County on Bravo, where Michael and Kelly finally faced off over their relationship. Today, you can choose your news feed to decide who won the fight, because everybody watches through their personal fun house lenses, but while America was gorging itself on bluster, holy crap! The Empire finally fought back!

Note Tex's glance toward Jason Grilli, just before the ball lands, prompting the aborted bat-flip. This HR tied the game in the ninth. I wish I'd been watching, but I jumped ship when the debate began - uh, between Michael and Kelly, that is. I couldn't bear to sit through another Yankee loss, coupled with Blue Jays' taunts and the mooing crowd. So... it's on me: I missed a great Yankee comeback, maybe the best of 2016, and maybe Mark Teixeira's last home run. So... let's preserve the moment forever, or until Google lowers the boom.

With regard to Michael and Kelly: You know that it's all about sex, right? He's not getting enough. That's why, in the beginning, he constantly interrupted her, yet kept his composure. Later, he clearly became sexually aroused. I think it was her red pants suit - like waving a red towel at the bull. He got erect and charged her. He started yammering about her stamina - in bed, of course. I think he wanted to have a toss right there. You know how reality stars are. All they think about is sex.

With regard to Dellin Betances: I wish there was a way to let him get repeatedly laid for the rest of the season, and spare him from another meltdown. He's on the verge of spending the winter reliving ninth inning nightmares, and P.T.S.D. is not a healthy thing. If he gets a quick inning, maybe they should make that his final outing. (And why in the world would the Yankees pitch Tanaka again, when he's recovering from an arm issue? That would be insane.) It's clear that Cashman must find bullpen help over the winter, and either Hal empties his wallet for Aroldis Chapman, or the Yankees will have to trade away practically everything they got from Cleveland for Andrew Miller - and what would be the point? If they must trade prospects for a closer, why the hell did they bother to trade the best one in baseball, to begin with? Betances needs help. Let him rest and find him a good woman.

Now... if Kelly could just ditch Michael - kick him out - Dellin could winter in Orange County. Would that work? Who knows? But they'd get ratings.

Nine MORE questions that absolutely MUST be asked in tonight's Presidential debate

1. On Thursday night in Yankee Stadium, when David Ortiz steps to the plate, will either of you show the guts and moral decency to do the right thing for all Americans, to set aside petty political disputes and the rank grade-school tribalism that threatens this country... to unite with all your countrymen... and MOON BIG PAPI?

2. This question goes to Tubby, the orange whale with the Dacron graft: Mr. Trump, will your excessively obese butt, which looks especially large when compared to your tiny hands, deter you from showing the courage to MOON BIG PAPI?

3. This goes to the google-eyed robot with the Fibrillator, Secretary Clinton, hello? Excuse me? Can you look at me? Oops, sorry, you are looking at me - will you be alive Thursday night, and if so, will you have the strength to stand up, turn around, bend over and MOON BIG PAPI?

4. This goes to each of you, though what's the point? Where do you stand on the 2nd Amendment rights of true, gun-toting Americans who simply want to drop their troughs - revealing the AK-47s and hell-fire percussion grenades strapped to their patriotic thighs - and MOON the despicable, potentially illegal alien - hell, he's Hispanic, what else do you need to know? - called BIG PAPI?

5. Will you both pledge right here and now never to undermine our basic mooning rights, as outlined in the First Amendment... our Freedom of Peach?

6. This is for Secretary Clinton. Excuse me? Set down the smelling salts. Turn your good ear toward me. Thank you. Um, you called Fatty's supporters a "basket of deplorables." Does this mean you would refuse to join these beloved white power, third-grade-educated, dog-whistle racists in the one deed that would forever justify their worthiness.. and to MOON BIG PAPI?

7. A question for the clown - and by the way, sir, I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule, missing a night when you could be lurking in a North Carolina forest, luring children to your candy hut: Should Hispanic, Muslim or black Yankee fans - you know, anyone who won't vote for you - be arrested for MOONING BIG PAPI, considering that under your diseased plans, the cops will already have stopped and frisked them ten times before they get to the stadium?

8. For the two of you - though I'm getting tired of this - who the fuck will pay for all this bullshit? Mexico? Monaco? Roger Ailes? And will there be any money left over to mount a decent campaign to save America... and MOON BIG PAPI?

9. This goes to - oh, who gives a damn - Lester Holt, you answer it, and we'll vote you in: How did we get to point where the only person in the world who can lose to Donald Trump happens to be the Democratic choice? And the only one who can elect Hillary Clinton is her opponent? How did this happen? I'm so sick of this election that - seriously, now, Lester... why the hell don't we MOON BIG PAPI!

The biggest fear: That Jose Bautista is showcasing himself for a Yankee contract

This weekend, watching Jose Bautista once again kill us, it hit me:

This winter, watch us run out and sign the bastard. 

Of course, we will! It'll be instant gratification. It will make perfect Steinbrennerian sense. There's a gene pool symmetry here: It will prove Hal was not adopted. And, basically, it will be the absolute worst thing we can do. Thus, count on it.

Keep in mind, we've done this before. All it takes is a rotten team. We tore up A-Rod's contract and then lashed ourselves to him, like Ahab to the whale. We ditched A.J. Burnett for two flea market Elvis lamps. We signed Carlos Beltran to three years, Brian McCann to five and Jacoby Ellsbury to seven. We've made some of this millennium's worst signings, yet some writers still praise the front office in day-glow awe, because they hover over the scrap heap like a Pentagon drone. (The problem with rating Brian Cashman is never knowing where he ends and Hal begins. He's made nice deals - Didi, Swish, Pined-um... let's leave leave it at Didi, Swish. But then he signs Chase Headley for four.) So why not sign Jose Bautista? I mean, when you list the reasons of why it's such a bad, terrible, awful, horribly wretched idea, well, we must do it.

1. We will lose our top draft pick. These picks are not fodder. Boston never seems to miss on one. Of course, we'll claim our system is stocked, so it doesn't matter if we draft another Andrew Brackman. The Yankee-owned media, which rubber-stamps every move, is an enabling force to be discussed at another time - (like every day, all winter, right?)

2. Bautista will be 36 next year. Good luck with that. Do we need another guy who'll be pushing 50 by the time he leaves? Of course, we do! Say, how about Country Breakfast Butler? (Wait, we could rename Bautista "Country Sausage!" Our lineup would be called "The Old Country Buffet.")

3. He'll want at least three years. Of course, he will. We'll live Beltran all over again. And yes, Carlos hit well this season. But do you remember year one? Remember him perched in right? He's watched more balls drop than the late Dick Clark. Remember how a full-time DH limits this team? Let's bring in another statue!

4. He's hit .233 with 20 HRs. Yeah, Bautista missed time with injuries. That's what happens to guys old enough to date Zsa Zsa Gabor. (News flash: She's still alive - age 99 - turns 100 in February.) The point is, we already have guys who hit .230 with 20 HRs.

5. He'll be a giant block of concrete tied to our feet. We have one hope: That someone - maybe Greg Bird, maybe Aaron Judge, maybe Clint Frazier - evolves into a star. Bautista's contract will demand 500 at-bats, every one coming at the expense of the future.

6. It's another money drain. I hate to mention money, because Hal has more than most third-world dictators. I'm all for any Steinbrenner pissing away money, but when Hal makes a bad deal, he takes it out on the team. Two winters ago, if we had signed Max Scherzer, we could be squaring our rotation for the playoffs today. Instead, we signed Headley - because of the Beltran/McCann/Ellsbury fiasco.

Whatever happens will come down to whether Hal accepts slow improvements - or demands instant gratification. The Redsocks slow-cooked their resurrection. They'll be really good for a long time. If we pull the plug on our youth movement - pushing to win in 2017 - once again, Jose Bautista will have killed us.

Just when you thought it couldn't get worse

Yankees are now 3 games above .500.

Sad day

Wow. Jose Fernandez... terrible news.

You say tomato, I say tomato

You say tomato, and I say tomato.
You say potato, and I say potato,
Tomato, potato, tomato, potato...
Let's call the whole thing off.
- George and Ira Gershwin

You may leave here
For three days in space,
But when you return,
It's the same old place.
- Barry McGuire

Shove all your problems under the rug,
Then you wonder where the smell came from.
- The Descendants

When they come for me,
I'll be sitting at my desk,
With a gun in my hand
In a bulletproof vest
- Catch 22

You'd think I could learn
How to tell you goodbye,
'Cause you don't bring me flowers anymore.
- Neil Diamond

I've got nothing to say, but it's okay
Good morning, good morning...
- Lennon and McCartney

Nate Silver's Fivethirtyeight.com Ranked 'Baseball's Savviest (and Crappiest) Bullpen Managers' And the Results Will Enrage You!

This is ancient, as the internet reckons time--four days!--but here goes:

Huh. Torre was best. Girardi is tied for second-best. 

After winding us up, fivethirtyeightdotcom adds:

Perhaps surprisingly, we found that bullpen management — good or bad — doesn’t actually affect a team’s overall performance all that much. 

Discuss! Or don't. It's a free country!

Yankee fans help giants fan?

I am stuck in Venice beach California.  In a rental.

Does anyone know a sports bar in the area, or some devious method of using the Internet, to watch the Giants/Skins game tomorrow?  It will,start at 10:00am here, for Cripe's Sake.

Bloody Mary's and a greasy burger...and Eli on the screen...is aperfect way to beat a hangover.

Many thanks.  Or, I'll simply drown myself.

After riding a crest of youth, Girardi turns to the veterans...and everything collapses

It was the best thing that happened all season: The owner agreed to rebuild... The Yankees held a garage sale, promoted kids from Scranton, youth revived the team, and we actually contended for a few weeks. It was beautiful. For one brief, magnificent interlude, we were young and winning.

Then the Yankees returned to style. For me, this devolution took the of Billy "Country Breakfast" Butler. Now, I recognize that I am unfairly targeting my rage upon one player, and that Country Breakfast is simply a symbol of the Yankee rot. He's gone 8 for 21 for us, not bad. But we're 1-6 since Country Breakfast arrived from the scrap heap. One and fukking six. And the moment we plugged County Breakfast into our lineup, we became an old, tiresome, pathetic team. We traveled back in time to the days of Vernon Wells and Alfonso Soriano, back to Pronk and Overbay, back to the rank awfulness of obese players with morbidly obese contracts. One and six. From the time we brought in County Breakfast, we have deserved every loss we got.

Last night, in the dying embers of a 9-0 blowout, we saw Tyler Austin for the first time since September 15, when he went one for three with a double and a walk. He'd been in a slump, but seemed to be fighting his way out. Then, he vanished. Same with Rob Refsnyder. We haven't seen him since last Sunday in Boston.

Now, I recognize that both have critics - neither set the Yankiverse ablaze, but the beauty of this team was supposed to be that we get to see these kids in an actual pennant race. We could know if they have a future. Well, clearly, Girardi has decided no. He'd rather play Country Breakfast. And you know what? Maybe it's Girardi who needs to go.

For whatever it's worth, I have never on this blog called for Girardi to be fired. Never. There are voices here who do it all the time. Not me. I've been a Girardi guy. I think he's a great leader and clubhouse stabilizer, who doesn't enough credit for the heart that he brings. But he has now gone through three terrible years, and you know what? I think the man is mentally fried.

The great fear Yankee fans should have is that, come winter, the team empties its farm system for veterans, and starts accumulating more Country Breakfasts, which other teams are delighted to let go. We'll absorb old, fat contracts and players five years past their sell-dates. The problem isn't that that they Yankees don't spend enough: It's the players to which we are lashed. It's been bad decisions at various levels - all near the top.

Lately, I guess we were getting a glimpse of whether this young kid, County Breakfast, could hit in a pennant race. Another reason to be excited for the future, eh?

How should we respond? Well, gee, that sure is a toughie...

Dear Discerning Readers of IIHIIFIIc:

I have tried to keep a relatively low profile on IIH when it comes to promoting MoonBigPapi.com.  I don't want to be thought of as swinish when it comes using IIH's bandwidth to promote a cause that's near and dear to me.

HOWEVER.  

I was pushed over the edge today when I read this article in the NY Post:

Perhaps the alert readers of this blog have already seen it.  From the article:

The Yankees may want to think about reworking their upcoming tribute to retiring rival David Ortiz.

Gee, ya think?  What on earth could we possibly do?

At the end of the article, the author lamely concludes:

Now, the person who is in charge of planning for the Yankees may want to start digging out some old Orioles highlights, just in case ... After all, turnabout is fair play.

Well, that sure would be a hoot!

Apart from that killer idea, the Post's journalists seem stumped.  Any alternatives the Yanks might have for taking action just aren't obvious to them.  No newspapers around here have ever reported on an idea that outsiders have found newsworthy.  It's like the New York papers are suffering a gotham-sized anal-cranial inversion and the only people in the loop are out there in the hinterlands.  We've been waiting, day after day, for NY beat writers to alert the locals to our cause.  You know, actually to be journalists.

True Yankee fans understand that other, lesser teams can only view their success through the prism of the Yankees.  Other teams show Yankee highlight videos ... when they Yankees aren't even there.  Is some MORON at the Post really suggesting that the Yankees should do the same and show Orioles videos?

Well, we true Yankee fans will just have to think really hard and come up with another idea for getting revenge.  Maybe the NY Post and the NY Daily news will pick up on our vibe.  Maybe they know how to click a link.

Maybe the Yankees will win 11 out of 10.

It's time to look at next year... again

Ten games remain, and as Brett Gardner says, we must win 11. Moreover, we must run the table on Toronto, Boston and Baltimore - three flat-out superior teams. We're more likely to lose 11. The only bright spot: It should be over before Masahiro Tanaka tries a suicide outing and wrecks his elbow for next year.

Next year... 

Those words... We heard them last year, and the year before that. Next year... they're becoming the staples of YES Network propaganda, which touts the Yankees without mentioning the opposition. That's dangerous, because even without Big Papi, Boston is an ascending power. They could win this year and next. They have Bogaertes (age 23), Bradely (26), Betts (23), Benintendi (22), Shaw (26) and Leon (27) - all rising, and they'll add Yoan Moncada - (that name again... GAHHHH.) They spent two whole years retooling. Our "rebuilding" plan lasted one weekend, and if - as rumors suggest - we'll empty the farm next winter for Jose Fernandez, we might end up hanging it all on one elbow.

Unless Food Stamps Hal uncrosses his legs, opens his fanny pack, takes out his purse, works the combination lock and counts out some pennies - and signs some looming international mystery guest, we're left hoping that Brian Cashman can rob teams in trades. Good luck. It took us four years to dig this hole, and without a cash infusion from El Cheapo, we could be sitting here next September 23, needing to win 11 out of 10.

Obviously, there will be changes. But right now, let's look at 2017...

The batting order

Ellsbury cf (he'll be 34)
Gardner lf (ditto)
Sanchez c
Bird 1b
Castro 2b
McCann dh (he'll be 33)
Gregorius ss
Judge rf
Headley 3b (he'll be 33)

I suspect either Gardy or Ellsbury gets traded, because they have both become the same middling player with different contracts, and neither is on the upswing. McCann could go. It depends on whether Atlanta has anyone to offer. Nobody beyond Vladimir Putin will take Headley, who was outhit this year by four ex-Yankee third-basemen, each peddled away by Cashman - Martin Prado (.308, 7 HR), Eduardo Nunez (.287, 16), Adonis Garcia (.270, 14) and Yangervis Solarte (.284, 15) - in three cases, for next to nothing. We have Headley for two more years, and nobody ready to take his job in 2017, unless Cito Culver (.263, 1 HR at Scranton) starts juicing, or Brigadoon Refsnyder learns third-base. Maybe an asteroid will destroy us all, and it won't matter. La-dee-dah!

Let's face it: 2017 will depend on Sanchez, Bird and Judge and maybe the fast-tracked OF Clint Frazier, who hit .228 at Scranton. (I don't know why Tyler Austin seems to have already vanished from Joe's binder, but it's a bad sign. Once the Yankees sour on a guy... see Yangervis Solarte, Edwardo Nunez and Adonis Garcia...) If they all hit, we have something. Of course, if Boston signs Eduardo Encarnacion...

Starting Pitchers

Tanaka (unless we do something stupid and he hurts his elbow next week)
Sabathia (his final year)
Pineda (his final year with us)
Cessa/Severino/Green
The adult male population of Scranton

Bullpen

Betances
Warren
Clippard
The adult male population of Scranton
(Maybe we sign Aroldis Chapman?)

About signing Chapman? It'd be nice, but I don't get this infusion of hope by the Yankee media outlets. Somehow - (I suspect it's because they own their media) - the Yankees have managed to convince their fan base that frugality in itself is a victory. We're supposed to root for Hal Steinbrenner to make more money, not so he can buy players, but so he can plow it back into the partners, who can then buy politicians and even more media. It's a perfect circle, and let's give them credit for gaming the system. Old George was an anomaly: When he wanted a player, dammit, he went out and got the guy. Hal won't do that. He's too smart, and we're supposed to actually support such policies. How did we get this way?

The days of the Yankees quickly improving via free agency are gone. This is our team. We need 11 out of 10, and frankly, it won't be the last time.

There are 74 hitters with more home runs than the Yankee team leader

Carlos Beltran has 22.

He's 11 behind Robinson Cano.

For whatever it's worth...

Our current RBI leader, Starlin Castro, ranks 84th on the MLB list.

At 69 RBIs, he's one ahead of Yangervis Solarte, three above Eduardo Nunez, and eight ahead of Adonis Garcia. He's 21 RBIs below Robbie, seven behind Melky Cabrera, and four behind Russell Martin.

Our top batter, hitting .278, is Didi Gregorius. He ranks 61st in MLB.

Our top base-stealer, Jacoby Ellsbury, with 18, ranks 27th.

Brett Gardner leads the Yankees in pitches per plate appearance, with an average of 4.08. He ranks 31st in baseball.

John Sterling National Memorial Pledge Drive Update! $0.00 Raised!

I came across this today and decided to re-post.  Thank you for your continued support.

The 2016 Yankee hitting stats are a disgrace

The recent debacles against LA and Boston produced a few amazing sights. For me, it was like traveling back in time to that mythic era when gods roamed the base paths. I saw batting orders where players actually hit higher than .280 - with - get this - 25 to 30 home runs! I'm talking about Ruthian lineups, in some cases with multiple hitters actually batting above .300!  Amazing! How do they do it? They must be juicing, right?

Soon, we will award the 2016 IT IS HIGH PLASTIC LUMBER AWARDS to the most offensive Yankees and - wherever he is, Arturo Lopez must wish he could still lace up the cleats and mount a comeback. He'd fit right in on this team.

In fact, nothing signifies the 2016 Yankee collapse more than the embarrassingly anemic batting stats - an excess of mediocrity that simply cannot be blamed on Joe Girardi. With the year winding down, the Yankees are chasing the kinds of statistical milestones that star players achieve before the all-star break. It's pathetic.

Some examples? How about home runs.

Yep. Two months after being traded, Carlos Beltran still tops the team... with 22. Twenty two.

If Gary Sanchez continues on his tear, he might lead the 2016 Yankees. (I love Sanchez but hope he is not being set up with impossible expectations, that - no matter what he does next year - will leave some fans feeling disappointment. This is a very real concern.) 

Keep in mind, the Yankees play in what most fans view as a bandbox. Currently, second on the Indian Point Power Outage Report is Starlin Castro, who is hurt and thus will top out at 21. Twenty-one.

Folks, there is a reason why Didi Gregorius hits cleanup. Until Sanchez arrived, we had no HR threat, whatsoever. The Yankees... no home run threat, whatsoever. 

Okay, let's look at batting average.

Our top man is Didi, who is slumping. (Sanchez and Beltran don't have enough Yankee at-bats to qualify.) He is our only hope to hit that astronomical .280 (two-eighty) mark. Castro stands at .273. Both Ellsbury (.262) and Gardner (.258) would be lucky to reach .270. And the list of players who simply stank - A-Rod, Tex, Aaron Hicks, Aaron Judge, et al - remind us of the late 1980s. Pathetic.

Runs batted in?

How depressing is this? We might not have anybody drive in a measly 70 runs. Didi is our best hope, with 67. Our current outfield - Ellsbury, Gardy and Aaron Hicks - has 118 RBIs... well below Edwin Encarnacion's 128.

W.A.R.? (Wins Above Replacement)

Okay, I haven't the slightest idea how they get this number - a red flag on anyone who uses it in arguments - but let's give the geeks their due. The Yankee leader in W.A.R. - (what are you good for? absolutely nuthin) - is Gardy, at 3.0. (Sanchez also has 3.0; I have no idea why it's so low, probably because he hasn't played in enough games. But this is what you get with a geek stat.) 

For W.A.R., Gardner ranks 67th in all of baseball. Sixty-seventh. Our best player... sixty-seventh.

Seriously, we cannot blame everything on Girardi.

The Triple-A Championship is Named After Underpants

The Triple-A National Championship our boys won last night is actually The Gildan Triple-A National Championship, its naming rights held by a Canadian manufacturer of boxer shorts you have to dry clean made by starving Haitians under "some of the harshest working conditions anywhere in the global apparel industry." Their workers in Honduras and the Dominican Republic endure similar treatment.

Predictably, the company thinks as little of the tax collector as of the seamstress. According to the Toronto Star:

[Gildan] has declared more than $1.3 billion (U.S.) in income over the last five years but has paid only $37.9 million in tax, according to its corporate annual reports. That is the equivalent of a 2.8 per cent annual tax rate.

Glenn Chamandy, president and CEO, told the Globe and Mail he long ago adopted his grandfather's motto: “In business, you don’t make money, you save it.” 

Funnily enough, Gildan has been ranked by Maclean's Magazine as one of their Top 50 Socially Responsible Corporations as recently as 2014. 

Our congratulations go out once again to the RailRiders, the Yankees and Minor League Baseball!

The year of giving back

Come on, let's take that fantasy journey... drink the Kool-Aid...  O, wow! The colors...

The Yankees have 12 games left, and we are just three losses below Baltimore for the away-field wild card joy buzzer, so - YES - we can still win it! We win all 12, and then run the table in the playoffs... the greatest Yankee comeback in history. It'll make the Bucky Dent season look like canned sardines. Hell, it'll be the Greatest Comeback in World History. Bigger than Nixon. Bigger than post-war Germany. Bigger than the Christ resurrection, dammit, bigger than Mickey Rourke winning the Golden Globe for The Wrestler. Damn, it'll beat - um - the 2004 Redsocks? Wait a minute. I need more Kool-Aid. Glug, glug, glug. OK, we win the next 12, then roll through October, and we'll exorcise the demons from this down millennium and restore the universe to its rightful balance. Right? FUKKIN MICKEY ROURKE! DAMMIT, MICKEY CHARLES ROURKE!

Excuse me. I gotta go soak my head in a bucket of ice water.

I'm back. OK, we just dreamed of the Greatest Comeback in World History. Now, let's discuss the One True Reality of the 2016 Yankees, emblazoned into our heads over the last two weeks:

Every time we won a few, we turned around and lost a few. All season long. We'd win a couple, raise hopes, then lose a couple and piss on them. Most recently, we won seven in a row, puffing up like a tropical guppie. Then... ka-boom: We lose six of seven, putting us here... fourth in the AL East... where we belong, I guess.

Moreover, the recent series against Boston and Los Angeles exemplified our charity work. Whenever we scored a few, our pitchers quickly gave them back.

So look... we might get hot against Tampa. Right now, I'm not sure the Rays could beat the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Railriders. But whatever happens, we'll give it back. We are six games above .500. I'd say that's about right. Summer ends today. Autumn will go quickly. (Moon Big Papi!) Then comes the long winter.

And here's a pin for the sex doll balloon fantasy: According to the Internet, Brian Cashman is supposedly one of four GMs hot for Jose Fernandez, whom the Marlins will put up for auction this winter. To get him, we would bundle most - in not all - of our best prospects, and don't think for a minute that it couldn't include Gary Sanchez. These days, the price for a 25-year-old ace is astronomical, and we would be bidding against Boston, which somehow seems to have more prospects and more money than poor old Food Stamps Hal.

With or without Sanchez, we would trade a boatload of young talent for a guy who has thrown a lifetime of pitches over his first four years, and who has already undergone Tommy John surgery, and if that doesn't sound like a typical Cashman cash-back debacle - (remember Jeff Weaver? remember Javier Vasquez?) - then what the hell does? In fact, we would simply be returning to our usual slovenly, craven, big-contract malaise. You could say we were restoring the Yankiverse to its rightful balance, eh? We're already moving in that direction. (Yes, the Billy Butler signing did spook me.) Wait a minute, where's that Kool-Aid? I need a drink.