10 Reasons Why That Guy Stole Ryan Braun's Urine and Then Boosted It with Steroids

1. It's an Italian thing. All Italian guys are into stealing urine and then boosting it with steroids. Frankly, I don't understand it, but they think it's central to their manhood. If you question them about it, they steal your urine and boost it with steriods. I can't afford to be banned from the game.

2. The guy hates Braun. Maybe it's over a woman. Yeah, it's gotta be a woman. She's really hot, and she pit the two of them to fight, just for her amusement. When Braun won MVP, she chose him. So the guy hates Braun and has plotted for months to bring him down. Once he learned Braun needed to pee for tests, everything fell into place. You know what they say: Revenge is a beaker best served warm!

3. The guy is a dolt, one of those funny, almost loveable sidekicks that the master villains have in Disney movies. He was supposed to steal Braun's urine and take out any foreign substances (which might have occurred naturally, because Braun certainly doesn't use boosters). Instead, the idiot messed up and added testoserone. But hell, he's got an amusing laugh. Braun probably cracks him over the head 20 times a day with an ashtray and says, "You eeeeeeeembecile!"

4. Come on, be honest, guys: Don't we all think of stealing urine and boosting it with steroids? I know I do - five times a day, more on weekends. Anybody who claims he doesn't: He's lying. Guys, it's 2012. It's time to talk openly. Come clean. We can't hide it forever. It's not going away.

5. It was a good-natured practical joke between two grand old scoundrels. Braun started it two years ago, when he subscribed the guy to a bunch of man-boy love magazines, which arrived at the guy's workplace. Then the guy left a flaming bag of dogpoo on Braun's front porch, and videoed him stomping it out. Then Braun called and got him to page "Jack Meoff?" The guy had to get Braun back -- and he did!

6. There is a little known black market for celebrity urine - the hotter the better - and the guy was trying to cash in. Braun's urine would go for $500 an ounce - if clean. But if juiced, it's worth $4,000. I myself have some 1997 Sylvester Stallone Rocky V clean urine, though it was collected after he ate asparagas. I bring it out for special occasions - the smell is incredible, and I shoot LED lasers through it to amplify the salt crystals. It's absolutely priceless.

7. The guy hates the city of Milwaukee. (Maybe he's from Skogie.) He would do anything to hurt Milwaukee. Anything. His apartment has an entire wall of news clippings about Milwaukee, with the faces cut out and distorted Biblical passages scrawled in the margins -- stuff like, "As ye sew, so shall Milwaukee burn!" 

8. The guy is a terrorist, pure and simple. He trained in one of those camps in Afghanistan. They taught him how to destroy major American institutions. Urine theft and pee boosting is one of the newer techniques of mass destruction. There is about to be a wave of them.

9. The guy is a paid hit man, under the new Theo Epstein regime in Chicago. Get used to this stuff, folks. The old, easygoing National League Central is about to change. They're going to see what it's like to play AL East style ball.

10. He doesn't know why he did it. A voice in his head just said, "You must steal Ryan Braun's pee and then boost it with performance enhancing drugs."  The voice sounded like William Shatner. Who would ignore an order from Captain Kirk?

But still, I'm betting it's about a woman.

Oscar Fever

Oscar Fever

Tek Fan Bids Self Adieu

While Captain Jason Varitek snubs Boston's spring training invitation, his #1 fan shutters her website:

My contract with the website's hosting company expires tomorrow, February 26th. I will not be renewing the contract.

One Year Ago Today

Youkilis, Pedroia lead Sox over Boston College

Pedey's foot feels 'good.'

A-Gonz progressing

Sox tee off at charity golf tourney

Youk wins NESN Second Base Cup

The IT IS HIGH Top Worst Prospects List

I'm sick of the Top 100 Prospects lists. I remember Brien Taylor atop them all. And Ruben Rivera. Andy Marte! Wilson Betemit! They are bogus. But we do know this: For some guys, the future is not wide open.

5. Kevin Millwood - 37, on life-support last year. Drilled in Scranton. Drilled in Pawtucket. Won 4 games for Rockies in miserable NL West. On life-support again.

4. Pedro Feliciano - 34 and hurt. Cashman's huge mistake. We'll be lucky if he ever throws a pitch for us.

3. Jamie Moyer - 49, and hasn't pitched since 2010. Born during administration of John F. Kennedy. Benjamin Button, he's not. Billy Crystal had as much chance of making a roster.

2. Andy Tracy, 37, Reno Whatevers, last year's oldest living minor leaguer. He could run for school board. Plays 1B, for whatever it's worth.

1. Our boy, of course. The Chemist. Do I have to say the name? Goodnight hugs.

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher: How about a hug?

One Year Ago Today

Red Sox promote seven executives

Pedroia itching to get back onto the field

Photo gallery

Yankeetorial: Ryan Braun lawyers up and beats the rap that Arod took full tilt

Yesterday, the scum-sucking lawyers for Ryan Braun won his appeal of MLB's drug testing protocols, effectively scotching Bud Selig's future chances to police the sport/industry for green gamma rays, unstable molecules, radioactive spider-bites and the superjuice that created Captain America. They attacked the chain of custody surrounding Braun's urine, suggesting that somebody tampered with it - (Arod, maybe?) - creating just enough doubt to clear Braun, or should we say "put him in The Clear."

Fine. OK. So be it. But I wonder how the Gammonites would react to such a move if it involved Arod or Giambi - or any Yankee for that matter - rather than a college-Hollywood-golden boy from Milwaukee. Actually, it's not hard to imagine what they would say. Look at the way the Republican Presidential candidates describe anything done by Obama. That's how the sportswriters would be wailing, if only they could get Arod in their crosshairs.

Remember how indignant they were several years ago, when Arod was the victim of an actual conspiracy: Somebody leaked (no pun intended) the results of his drug tests, which had been taken along with hundreds of other under the full guarantee of secrecy. His were made public. Why? Because he's Arod. That's why. All the others who failed their drug tests - think: Milwaukee Brewers, etc. -- stayed secret. They set up a dungeon and waited for Alex to appear in camp, where he apologized, and they each could render their all-consuming eternal judgment. Some sportwriters will say Alex will never make the Hall of Fame because of the taint of performance enhancing drugs.

But Ryan Braun and his lawyers can walk in the front door. He's off the hook. He can look into the camera and swear to God that he never used PEDs, and that he was the victim of a conspiracy.

Sweet, eh?

Jose Canseco, Love Philosopher: Words of wisdom ... and the cynical world responds

LINK

Freddy. Goonie?

One Year Ago Today

Saltalamacchia learning to catch Wakefield

Scutaro at full strength

Gonzales increases workload

Slideshow

Today's Silver Sterling Moment: Sign the petition to let John manage

As stated above.

http://johnsterling.blogspot.com/2011/06/yankeetorial-its-time-to-ponder-yankee.html

Yankeetorial: We have made a commitment to Arod, and he must reciprocate

In Alex Rodriguez's time as a Yankee, I've never seen him jog out a grounder. Never. I've seen him strike out with the bases loaded, pose for creepy, soul-cringing photographs in dandy magazines, and date women that no self-respecting Yankee fan would touch. (You know who you are.) But he's never jogged a grounder. Theoretically, he's given us 100 percent. Like he gave whatzhername. 

But this winter, the Yankees extended unto Arod the kind of loyalty that only a moose shows for his flying squirrel. They traded the next great hitter - a DH - so Alex would have a landing strip for the next few years on his ridiculous contract. If Jesus Montero remained, Arod would have to compete for at-bats, and it eventually would be a losing battle. With Montero in Seattle, Arod has a clear path to the DH. He might not need it this year, but he will soon. Whenever he steps to the plate as DH, it will because the Yankees traded a great prospect to make a place for him. He must never forget that.

And it goes beyond running out grounders. Alex must become a de facto second captain of the Yankees. He must serve as Jeter's lieutenant, nurturing young players and maybe calling out others who aren't performing. He has to always be a positive player, not a distraction. He owes the Yankees this, and I think he will fulfill that obligation.

Bu one more thing - and here's where it gets dicey. When the time comes that Alex can't hit, and another DH comes through the door, Arod has to walk away. He must leave the kind of money none of us will make in our lives - even if it means living hand-to-mouth in cardboard boxes on the street. He needs to retire gracefully, an NY on his plaque in the Hall of Fame. He needs to reciprocate in the loyalty the Yankees showed him.

I doubt many fans expect him to do this. I think he will. I don't think he wants to be riding the bench with an average in Lenn Sakata land. It would be like jogging out grounders. It just doesn't happen.

One Year Ago Today

Ortiz: This lineup is dangerous

Crawford: The Yankees were 'never an option.'

Tito: 2011 Sox are prefect role players

“You can have some guys that maybe don’t always have the team’s goals the same but they better really be good. And we’ve had that sometimes in the past,” Francona said. “It’s not a perfect world but it certainly makes for a much better atmosphere when you have guys that care about winning.

“It sets the tone for young guys better buy in. It’s a heckuva a lot easier for me to make examples of people when you have veterans running around working harder than anybody in camp.”

'Glee' stars show their Sox

Oscar Week Presents: Was it (Daily News Fifth) Anthony McCarron or Ed Norton in "American History X?"

Cubs fan strikes Boston on our behalf

Yesterday, the news broke that a Cubs fan bought the domain name for Boston's minor league complex in sunny Whateverville, Florida, so anybody who clicks on the link is sent to the Yankees website. Because I'm temporarilly dislocated from the prime IIHIIFIIc headquarters, atop Mount Steinlympus, I cannot link to the pertinent news story. You'll have to take my word.

But listen: This is how we restore America's future (which is going to be the name of our Yankee super pac). One of our fans shoots Gaddafi, and a Cub fan pays us back with a kick to Boston's billiards. It's called doing a good deed, folks. So if you happen to be killing a foreign dictator, or prepping a world tour (Bruce Springsteen, Yankee fan) or working for global peace (Hillary Clinton, Yankee fan), or just saving families (Jerry Springer, Yankee fan), wear the cap. If possible, day glow blue-white face paint is always stylish. Pay it forward, Yankiverse. It might save another September.

It's SuperFrankenstein's birthday!

And the Yankees bought him Dave Aardsma.

Open birthday thread?

One Year Ago Today

Beckett will start Grapefruit League opener vs. Twins

Report: Sox "intend to" pick up Francona's options

Respect, communication mark Sox players' confab with umps

Lucchino vow: "We're going to sign" A-Gonz

New Yank Tops Hank

Yanks sign David Aardsma

Wikipedia:

He is the first player alphabetically in the list of all-time Major League Baseball players, having displaced Hank Aaron upon his MLB debut.

Oscar Week Presents: George Patton vs. The Master

Yankeetorial: With all the elder statesmen in camp, no Jeremy Lins are in sight

A long long time ago in a Yankiverse far far away, a scud manager named Joe announced that a rookie would start as his SS on opening day. This ended a period under the previous manager, who was loathe to try youngsters from the farm. The SS was named Jeter, and a wave of kids lifted Joe Torre from the scrapheap into an exalted status.

Last season, for maybe the first time since 1995, we celebrated a mini-youth wave - Brett Gardner, Eduardo Nunez, David Robertson, Ivan Nova. Without them, God knows where we would have finished. And the best part of this wave was that it seemed like only the tip. There was so much more to come.

Well, that was last year. With the signings (impending) of Eric Chavez, Bill Hall, Raul Ibanez, Andrew Jones and Hiroki Kurado, plus the trade of Jesus Montero, we seem to have regressed into the 1980s, when the stars of Columbus might as well buy houses there and run for school board.

Most notably, consider Brandon Laird, who has "Mike Lowell" written all over him. Been in Scranton two years, won the Triple A gold glove at third, played great defense last September in his cup of coffee, and now must either return to the Traveling Wilkes Barres or get traded for an Ed Yarnell.

Then there is Ramiro Pena, who frankly, his ship has sailed. He's the slick-fielding utilitiy shortstop version of Shelley Duncan. Doesn't matter what he does at Scranton. Going nowhere. It's just a matter of playing out his required options, until the day he can sign with a team that gives him a chance. Won't be us.

Jorge Vazquez, the legendary Mexican slugger? In two years, he has hit all the homeruns anybody could at Scranton. He's the Mexican version of Shelley Duncan. But unless an asteroid hits one side of the Yankee compound, he has no future with the team. Nope. Got a hole in his swing. Forgetaboutit.

And the starting pitchers - David Phelps, DJ Mitchell, et al: Stuck in Scrantonless Scranton.

Listen: It's a long season, and injuries to anybody (Talking to you, Mr. Chavez) could vault one of these guys into the starting lineup. And it's good to deep. But the NY Giants last year won the Super Bowl in part because Victor Cruz came out of nowhere to become a star. The Knicks, for the first time in eons, have a chance - because of Jeremy Lin. To win the World Series, a team needs emerging young talent. You just can't do it with a bunch of old guys.

So who will emerge from the Yankee system this year? Bill Hall?

Betances and Baneulos look like our only hopes. Everybody else? Buy a home in Scranton and run for school board.

One Year Ago Today

Baseball Think Factory projects 2011 Sox to win it all

Lackey works with new trainer, drops 10-15 lbs.

Gonzo reports 'in excellent condition'

Tek hasn't felt this good in years

Slideshow

Bleating Raul

Joe DeLessio wonders what John will say when Ibanez hits a home run.

How about this:

NO MORE BLAMIN' FOR NOT BEIN' JOHNNY DAMON!

Oscar Week Presents: The night Jigsaw channelled The Master

Four more years, four more years, four more years...

Yesterday, Mariano Rivera stunned the world. He professed to being an ordinary moral human. He inferred that nothing lasts forever, even a cutter that defies physics, and he hinted that 2012 will include his final pitch.

If ever there was a reason for a franchise to go balls-to-the-ceiling-fan for a championship - to win this year, not next - this is it.

The idea of Mariano Rivera's last appearance being a meaningless scud save in the pit of a third-place September is physically and mentally abhorent to every Yankee fan who can remember the final sickening stretches of Mantle, Stottlemyre and even Bernie Williams. But this will be worse. This will be Mariano. If he's not pitching in the World Series, this will hurt for a long, long time. Jesus Montero will be retired from the game before the pain goes away.

Listen: I'm just saying what we all know, though I sometimes wonder if the tax-dodging owner-heiresses are more concerned about cutting payroll than winning the ring. I say this with the understanding that, yes, it's a long season, and that if the Steinbrothers are martialing their fiscal resources for a mid-July pickup, they're playing a strategy, and nobody gives a shit what I think anyway. But folks, this is Mariano - "the Great Rivera," as Obama called him that day in the White House. At some point in late September or early October, he will emerge for his last regular season save. We better have the playoffs awaiting him.

Let's face it: There is only one Yankee ending for Mariano Rivera: On the mound, nailing down a World Championship. Nothing else measures up to his career. Every other outcome will be horrible, terrible, wretched beyond words. 

Think about that whenever Raul Ibanez comes to the plate in a key situation. We wouldn't shell out for Johnny Damon, one of the great clutch hitters of our generation. 

OK. You're sick of hearing me whine. OK. Yes. What's done is done. Go Raul. Go Cashman. Save money. Cut payroll. Hooray for fiscal responsibility. But dammit, just don't miss the playoffs by a game. And don't leave the winning runs on third. Folks, it's Mariano. Folks, this year is personal.  

Links

Vegas odds on CC butterfat

Pitchers and catchers report, including one uninvited.

One Year Ago Today

Shaughnessy: Sunshine in Red Sox camp is blinding

Are the Red Sox starters the best in baseball?

Jeter on the Sox: 'Their team is great'

Teixeira, Cashman: 'We're the underdog'

Ortiz flashes some leather at first base

Sox players 'fans' of Henry, Werner and Lucchino

Finish line not necessarily imminent for Jason Varitek

Slideshow

Oscar Week Presents: Tom Cruise v. The Master

Cashman discusses painful sandal

I'm not sure I fully grasp this, but in today's headlines, apparently Brian Cashman has terrible corns. He says a sandal has caused him great grief, even to his family.

I can relate. Go tramping around in a poorly-fitted sandal, and by the end of the weekend, you'll have a blister the size of Kim Kardashian's vagina, and it will be screaming just as loudly. It will rub and rub and rub - over and over and over -- my worst spot is atop the big toe - and your dogs will be growling. Forget walking. It's like stepping onto broken glass. All you can do is lie around the house in socks. And that takes a toll on any family. I've been there. I know this from experience. I too have known such a sandal.

Still - and I'm not judging anybody here - you have to wonder why Cashman didn't see this coming and have on-hand an extra pair of sneakers? Never put yourself in a position where a public sandal can bring you down.

It's good that he can talk about it in public. I know it's helped me, just knowing I'm not alone. Let's hope his healing process can begin. It's time for a visit from the good Dr. Scholls.

Last chance for redemption: Will we snag Jorge Soler?

In recent months, I've occasionally opined about two certain cheap bastard Yankee billionaire owner brothers, who will remain nameless, and who appear more obsessed with dodging luxury taxes than winning pennants.

Nevertheless, they have one last chance this winter to redeem their sorry souls.

But first, an honest winter recap: They spent the bucks to keep CC. Kudos to the chef. And we were never going to chase Pujols, Fielder, Ortiz, Puckerface Papelbon or CJ Wilson - leading candidate for the 2012 Carl Pavano Award. Considering Kei Igawa, we had no reason to charge into that Japanese Ponzy scheme to peddle Yu Darvish. And the Cuban five-tool gym rat, Humanis Centepedes, (who couldn't hit a lick in winter ball,) didn't fit our needs. Besides, he didn't hit a lick in winter ball.

But there is one acquisition left on the board: Jorge Soler, the strapping 19-year-old from Cuba, who some scouts claim has the biggest upside of all. For him, no sealed bids. No need to assess his talents through a video. And we have a dearth of high-ceiling outfielders in our system. A splash of dollars for Soler won't affect our luxury taxes. All we need to do is want him.

Therein lies the question. How badly do the Yankee owners want to win?

Last week, we gave AJ Burnett for probably the worst Moreno ever from Pittsburgh, and considering Omar, that's a low bar. Now, we're bent on saving a few cents by ditching the great Johnny Damon for the uninspiring Raul Ibanez. We'll see how that works. But every time Raul comes up in the 9th with the bases loaded and two outs, we can ponder the notion that it could have been Johnny Damon. But, hey, we're saving a few bucks!
Therein lies two more questions: Did we pinch those fukking pennies so the nameless owners can upgrade their lake house 3D home entertainment theaters? Or were we planning to invest in Jorge Soler?

If we get Soler, whenever Ibanez strikes out, we can think - oh well - at least we got that kid in the minors; it wasn't a total loss of a winter.