Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday is Latin America’s Navidad de Beisbol, known in el Norte as Ricardo Aramboles/Wily Mo Pena “Money for Nothing Day.”
July 2... when MLB teams announce their Latino 16-year-old Human Cattle Sweepstakes.
One baseball’s slimiest undersides.
Why do we let it continue?
Unlike U.S. players, who get drafted by MLB teams – so the worst and cheapest clubs always get first dibs – 16-year-old Latinos get wined and dined by everybody and anybody. Yanks, Redsocks, Dodgers -- they all come bearing swag. Hell, if I were a high school sophomore in Ashtabula, Ohio, with a 90-mph heater, I’d change my name, move to Venezuela and start taking bids.
Wednesday, one Latino 16-year-old is going to announce that he signed with Oakland -- OAKLAND! -- for $4.25 million.
That sure beats being drafted by the Kansas City Royals.
But let’s not kid ourselves. MLB will not allow U.S. prospects to sneak south of the border into the land of teen riches. It wants American kids to stay under its thumb, stuck with whomever calls their name on draft day. It even assigns “slot” figures, based on what round the kids are drafted in. Supposedly, teams shouldn't pay any more than “slot money.”
Thus, they can spend more in the Latino market, which isn’t regulated.
Great. Just great.
The top Latino kid, some pitcher named Inoa, supposedly signed with the Yankees last month, then broke his word and signed with Oakland for more than $4.25 million. Oakland! Keep in mind he’s 16. (Which means the wining and dining occurred while he was 15… hell, probably it started at age 10. What a personality prize this guy will be at age 22.)
Why do Latinos get bidding wars, while U.S. players get screwed? Good question. Maybe it’s because a few Central American economies are hooked on baseball farms like we’re hooked on oil. It’s pure exploitation. Drop 500 kids into the grinder, and one slides through to become a star. As for the other 499? They join Hugo Chavez and hate the USA for the rest of their lives.
Two years ago, we signed 16-year-old Jesus Montero for a record payout. It wasn’t half what this kid will get from Oakland. Oakland? WTF?
Hank Steinbrenner should be buying prospects like cartons of cigarettes.
When Oakland’s paying out $4 million, watch MLB applaud. The Gammonites will shout, “Look, the small market teams can compete! It's parity! Isn’t that wonderful!”
Fuck that shit. They compete in being corrupt. The Yanks should buy every damn Latino player, pay whatever it takes, and force MLB to do something. If the Yanks did it, they would scuttle this horribly, incredibly corrupt and evil system – teams buying 16-year-olds for kricesakes, WTF?, how do we condone that, how do we live with that, and what kind of monsters are we raising on these farms? Force the issue. Trash this system. Do something nobel, for a change.
This system sucks.
Pardon us Wednesday, if we don’t celebrate our future Aramboles or Wily Mo (two guys we spent Pavanoesque money on, they turned out to be older than we thought, because -- oh, did I forget to mention this: Latino scouts lie about kids' ages -- and we got even less than Carl delivered.)
Nevertheless, note to Jesus Montero. Do your best.
If you excel, the Gammonites -- that is, the keepers of baseball "morality" -- will complain that OMG! the Yankees are using their money unfairly! This is terrible!
Maybe they'll do something. Hello, anybody out there? This Latino system sucks. You guys in the mainstream: Are you gonna say it?
Sunday, June 29, 2008
It aint fair.
We hit long balls today, but they didn't carry, because of the air, so they were caught.
It just aint fair.
Why, we oughta win when we hits long flies, right? We whacked the tarnation outa them balls. I bet we swung harder than they did. And we hit a few foul ball home runs, too.
It just aint goddam doubledog fair.
I mean, we could have moved a baserunner or single somebody around, but that would be winning like a sissy. You want the home runs. That's what we're getting paid for.
It just ain't fair.
Anybody who follows world events knows Yank voice John Sterling -- like political counterpart Edward R. Murrow -- employs a signature phrase to instill in listerners a sense of comfort and security.
Generally, Sterling's victory call -- "BALLGAME OVER. THE YANKEES WIN. THU-UH-UH-UH YANKEES WIN!" registers between 5 and 6 seconds on the stopwatch.
Thus, the Sterling Scale gives fans a quick chance to determine the importance of the victory. (Less than five seconds, regardless of the outcome, is technically a loss.)
Saturday's cry, following Mariano's strikeout of Trot Nixon, notched 6.12 seconds.
Here it is:
Thus far, the longest victory cry registered came June 5, following Jason Giambi's three-run, pinch hit HR. It last an incredible 7.25 seconds. (Warning: Don't try this at home.)
Here it is.
Other great calls this year:
2. May 22, Robby Cano RBI beats Baltimore: 6.60 seconds
3. June 19, 2-1 victory over San Diego: 6.39 seconds
4. April 1, Opening Day win over Toronto: 6.32 seconds
5. METS GAME SATURDAY
We at IIH, IIF, IIc call upon John Sterling to beat the 7.25 second mark.
MR. STERLING -- WE WANT 8 SECONDS!
TODAY... EIGHT SECONDS... TODAY.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Congratulations on pitching six shutout innings in your return to the New York Yankees.
However, if you continue on this course, we are concerned about your ability to produce punch lines.
Heretofore, you have been one of baseball's A-list stooges, a perfect storm of squandered talent, pig-headed selfishness and gluttony.
Right now, sportswriters and fans are waiting anxiously for your next mug shot -- the bar fight, paternity suit, exposed buttocks, beating of some taxidriver, etc. They see your re-emergence much like that "Friday the 13th" movie where Jason went to New York. Who knows what you can accomplish in the big city!
When the Yanks signed you, it was like America drilling for oil in the Alaska tundrea: We weren't going to get much, but everybody knew it would be messy.
Now, you're here to stay. Hell, if anybody pitches six shutout inning for these Yankees, he's guaranteed a month.
Do you remember a portly fellow named David Wells?
Several years ago, he came to the Yankees with nearly the same resume as yours. Today, believe it or not, he's one of the grand elders of the game. Who knows: He might someday be on "Dancing with the Stars."
He changed. Sort of. Not much. He just tempered himself.
What'll it be? Are you a David Wells? Or are you just another future installment of The Smoking Gun?
You still can pitch. You proved that last night. Now, are you going to fight somebody in a bar over the last pretzel?
May we never post a mug shot of you again.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Dear Captain Jeter,
You are about to hit the crossroads between unspeakable pleasure and superhuman despair.
We beg of you…
Select: b) Despair.
Let me tell you a little story...
It’s about a little boy from Michigan who dreamed of being a ballplayer. He met a wizard named Mr. Torre and achieved a great run of World Series rings, commercial endorsements, Maxim models, pop divas and TV show cheerleaders. In other words, he drank only the top babe-aholic beverages.
Then one day, a very scary succubus (see above) from a faraway land dumped the wonky Brit she had bagged in hopes of salvaging her film career. This sorceress, an accomplished author of children’s books and sex guides, thirsted for a new manly vessel, which she could drain and, thus, stay young and do Marine Corps. push-ups forever.
Well, that little boy was not Clay Bellanger.
We’re talking about you, the Captain of the Yankees.
And we’re talking about the gravest threat you will ever face.
Did you know Madonna once bagged Jose Canseco?
Dennis Rodman. Remember him?
Vanilla Ice? Google the name. There is much to be learned.
Madonna was once married to Sean Penn. That year, he batted .189. She replaced him with Warren Beatty, who suddenly couldn't hit righties.
Yes, we know what you’re thinking.
Why worry. A shag’s a shag. Tell her to take a number. Find ‘em, field ‘em, fling ‘em, forget ‘em. What's the fuss?
Oh Captain, our Captain... you do not understand what is coming.
Jeet, Jeet, Jeet... This is real.
Remember: b) Despair.
(NOTE TO WORLD: Would she be appeased with Jacoby Ellsbury?)
WASHINGTON _ Seeking "Yankee ingenuity," GOP Presidential candidate John McCain is offering baseball slugger Alex Rodriguez to any carmaker that can instantly solve the nation's energy woes by building an automobile that runs on something cheap, like lawn clippings or wadded-up Post-it notes.
The awarding of A-Rod, currently batting .324 with 14 HR, would immediately make that plucky carmaker the favorite in all corporate challenge softball games and the most requested ticket for Detroit summer clambakes and senior management golf tournaments.
To obtain Rodriguez, McCain will pay the winning carmaker $300 milllion -- that's $25 million more than what the Yankees will shell out to A-Rod over 10 years. Actually, it would leave the company with $25 million, presumably to purchase Hideki Matsui and/or Jason Giambi.
"That's the beauty of free enterprise," McCain said. "The carmaker can decide. But with $300 million, they would not only have the best hitter in the game -- I'm talking regular season, not playoffs -- but they can protect him in the order."
McCain's rival, Democrat Barack Obama immediately called the $300 prize idea "a gimmick," noting that if the carmakers come up with a new energy source, superagent Scott Boras would promptly drive up its cost -- putting lawn clippings or Post-it notes at $150 a wad.
"We have the greatest resources of any country on the planet," Obama said. "And yet we wake up one day and find Sidney Ponson pitching for us. That is the definition of a failed policy."
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Future Yank savior/DH Jesus Montero is our lone representative for the Futures Game, which will be played over the all-star break at Yankee Stadium.
This sorta sucks. I would have thought the MLB Greeter Machine would have at least put two Yanks in the game, sort of like the way the Pro Bowl always selected two Saints, no matter how bad they were.
What happened to our vaunted farm system?
Jose Tabata has pouted like a 19-year-old. Dellin Betances has toggled between hurt and lousy. Austin Jackson is treading water. All those superheros that the online Syd Thrifts have been blathering about, they're in Bobby Abreu stat-land: .270 with a handful of HRs.
Don't take this the wrong way. Stats aren't everything. And we can't throw the bonus babies out with the bathwater. But I'm starting to wonder if that high-charged Yank farm system is a few bats and a lot of FAX machines.
(Note: IIH, IIF, IIc urges readers to print-out and post this critical message on all public billboards, streetcorners and restrooms, in the hope that it is made available to Sir Sidney Ponson. This will be the most important assignment you've undertaken as Yankfans, and these are surely the most important words Mr. Ponson shall ever read.)
Dear Madam or Sir:
You are about to perform in a test of will between the New York Yankees and the New York Baseball Mets.
In other words, for reasons of divine justice that humans cannot fathom, you have received one more chance at redemption.
One. More. Chance.
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, there was a child in the land of Aruba, who received from the fates the magical gift of a golden arm. He grew up to be very large. Sadly, this boy squandered his wonderful golden wing on tomfoolery and loin.But when that little boy -- now a grown man -- looks up at night, he sees the same stars in the infinite cosmos. He sees a billion points of light, many of them which can be purchased in the National Star Registery for $39. That means, one of those stars is his star, named for him.
And that star, the Sir Sidney star, will be watching Friday.
Well, I hope you've guessed by now that the little boy I'm referring to... is you.
(Note to readers: And you, and you, and you.)
There is only one outcome for you now, and it was written long ago by a great man, under contract to Michael Eisner. It is the backbone of every movie ever made. It is the story of the foul slob who finds truth and learns to hurl.
Sir Sidney, Friday, you shall honor the Circle of Life.
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun,
There's more to see than can ever be seen,
More to do than can ever be done.
There's far too much to take in here,
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high
Through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round
It's the Circle of Life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the Circle...
The Circle of Life
Go forth, Sir Sidney, and hurl.
Go forth... honor the star that holds your name in the National Star Registery, (which others can purchase and take delight in as well) -- and remember:
Each of us shall be judged, not by how much we love... but by how much we are loved.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Test your insider knowledge of tonight's big Yankee victory.*
Joba Chamberlain threw....
a) 114 pitches.
b) 114 miles per hour.
c) 114 strike outs.
d) into the 114th inning.
In Pittsburgh, the Yankees have been excited to see...
a) Bill Mazeroski
b) TJ Beam
c) Doug Mientkiewicz
d) Robinson Cano
Even though we must celebrate tonight's victory, keep in mind...
a) we left 22 batters on base.
b) it's Pittsburgh
c) we're five losses behind Tampa.
d) we're throwing Giese and Ponson against the Mets.
We crushed them a night after a horrible game, in which Joe Girardi said we...
*Remember: Every Yankee victory is a big Yankee victory.
Unfortunately, so is his fielding average.
If he keeps this up, according to Baseball Reference projections, over a 162-game season, Christian will have 162 doubles and 324 RBIs, both of which will be new all-time records!
Not to mention the .500 batting average would be pretty decent, too.
And yet-- big statistics alert here -- it's not the best BA he's ever achieved.
You want stats? Goddammit, we'll give you stats.
In 2004, playing for the Gulf Coast League Yankees, over 3 games, Justin batted .571.
Over his 5-year minor league career, he has stolen 191 bases, an 85 percent rate of success.
He has been intentionally walked 3 times.
His first year, playing 2B, he made 24 errors.
Yankee Employee of the Month for June?
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
And he didn't interview Death.
Daniel Rubin ain't a marchin' anymore.
"How do I renounce my citizenship in Red Sox Nation?
"I've been a member for so long I could still fill out a scorecard for the 1964 team. (Mantilla, Bressoud, Yaz . . .) I've rooted as my hometown nine went from bottom-dwelling to heart-breaking to dominating.
"Now I want out."
Sadly, Rubin's message of sanity will surely be shouted down by the Fox News/CNN mainstream media jackals. One would think a public statement such as this would make the network TV newscasts. Think again.
If you haven't visited Peter Abraham's LoHud Yankees blog, go there and bookmark the site. It might be the most informative Yankee blog out there. Seriously.
There's one issue, though. Pete's stuff goes through an editor before it gets in his newspaper, but the items he posts to his blog don't. Since some of us here at IIH, IIF, IIc edit for a living, we'll volunteer our services.
Recently, Pete posted this:
"We’ve made fun of Curt Schilling plenty of times on his blog. The self-aggrandizing loudmouth usually had it coming. But nobody should welcome the news that he needs shoulder surgery that could end his career. Love him or hate him (and, yes, you hate him), he’s never been afraid to say what he thinks and that’s a rare quality in baseball. Plus he really is a charitable guy who has done a lot for people. If this is it, good luck to Schilling. Now admit it. It was ketchup, right?"
Not bad, but needs a little tightening:
"We’ve made fun of Curt Schilling plenty of times on his blog. The is a self-aggrandizing loudmouth. usually had it coming. But nobody should welcome the news that he needs shoulder surgery that could end his career. Love him or hate him (and, yes, you hate him), he’s never been afraid to say what he thinks and that’s a rare quality in baseball. Plus he really is a charitable guy who has done a lot for people. If this is it, good luck to Schilling. Now admit it. It was ketchup. , right?"
There. Much better.
TONIGHT, MAZEROSKI (pictured, next to James Gandolfini) SHALL PAY FOR HIS MISDEED.
I'M CURTIS, THE BLOODY FOOT.
ALONG WITH MY OPERATION ON MY HEEL, WHICH HAD NOT HEALED -- HA, HA, -- I STEPPED ON A BEER CAN RING IN THE CLUBHOUSE.
STILL, AFTER WE WON THE WORLD SERIES, ALL WAS FORGOTTEN -- AS SOON I WAS REWARDED WHEN I MET THAT SPECIAL PERSON. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS YOUNG AND FEELING RANDY.
Monday, June 23, 2008
I'm going to keep this short and sweet. Exactly as my editorial Board and owners have mandated.
The Yankees need a Mercy Rule, to be invoked after three innings of play, as follows:
1. Whenever the Yankees are facing a pitcher just up from the minors for the first time.
2. Facing a pitcher 23 years old or younger, who has never before pitched at the "Stadium."
The Yankees need to be able to call the game once we have gone 3 innings and failed to score, had no more than one hit, failed to advance one or more runners, and Arod has struck out.
That way: we concede the game ( which we will lose anyway ) , give our bullpen a break, minimize the demoralization of our starter who likely will go 6 innings, give up no runs and go home with an "L", and let the starting position players have a relaxing dinner.
In fact, that's where I'm headed right now.
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DEATH: I have noticed that.
CARLIN: Hey, I have some questions for you.
DEATH: Fire away.
CARLIN: "In the unlikely event of a water landing . . ." Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to SMASHING INTO THE OCEAN?
DEATH: Actually, that’s what it is, smashing into the ocean.
CARLIN: Another thing. Do you deal with God? Because, if I were you, I’d be a little nervous. Everybody he makes dies.
DEATH: That is the truth.
CARLIN: And if you do things he doesn’t want you to do, you might go to a burning place in Hell for all of eternity. But remember... HE LOVES YOU.
DEATH: Yeah, well…
CARLIN: You believe in Frisbeetarianism?
CARLIN: No. Frisbeetarianism. The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.
DEATH: That’s possible, I suppose.
CARLIN: Lemmie ask you. In heaven, can I say the seven words?
DEATH: No. They're not allowed.
CARLIN: Then I’m going to hell?
DEATH: Not my call. But if I were you, I’d just keep quiet.
CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
DEATH: Please, don't say those words.
CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
DEATH: Stop that. This is extremely-
CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
DEATH: You can’t… Stop that…
CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.
DEATH: You’re hurting me.
CARLIN: OK. Sorry. But I’m not sure I want to go heaven. I've never wanted to join a group whose symbol is a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
DEATH: I don't blame you. Look, it’s time. Take my hand, and we’re going for a walk.
CARLIN: This is very gay, you know. Ever notice how somebody driving slower than you is an idiot, and somebody driving faster than you is a maniac?
DEATH: I don’t drive. Let’s go. Take my hand and walk with me.
CARLIN: Can I sing a song?
DEATH: I don’t care.
CARLIN: Ta-da-da boom dee yay! Did you get yours today? I got mine yesterday. That's why I walk this way...
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Jeepers. You hate to see this kind of stuff happen to a great pitcher.
Dice-K's outing yesterday at Fenway.
S Schumaker walked.
A Miles homered to right, S Schumaker scored.
R Ludwick singled to right.
R Ankiel flied out to right.
T Glaus singled to left, R Ludwick to second.
C Duncan grounded out to first, R Ludwick to third, T Glaus to second.
J LaRue singled to left center, R Ludwick and T Glaus scored.
A Kennedy doubled to deep left, J LaRue to third.
B Ryan struck out swinging.
S Schumaker walked.
A Miles singled to shallow center, S Schumaker to second.
R Ludwick walked, S Schumaker to third, A Miles to second.
END OF OUTING
Charged with 7 ER in 1 inning.
Hey, give him a break. He's facing that incredible lineup of Schumaker, Miles and Ludwick.
Best part of the day: The Cards winning pitcher was Boggs.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Some days, it's very weird to be a Yankee fan.
Ian “I do not believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone in shooting John F.” Kennedy
Andy “Isn’t that lion cub sweet; let’s climb over the fence and” Petttitte.
Phil “Lemmie make you an offer you can’t reef” Hughes
Robinson “It’s not what we can’t know, but what we”Cano.
Derek “Hey, that broad over there? I ain't touching her. She's all yours. You brought her, you” Jeter.
Chris “Harrumph. May there always be a” Britton
Darrel “Trustee of the Federal Maximum Security Penitentiary at Alcat” Rasner
Sidney “Honey, I’ve got a real problem. No I can't come out of the bathroom. You gotta go to the store right now. I just used my last tam” Ponson.
JB Cox “2-inhibitor”
Kyle “You're a great salesman, and you've talked me into it. OK, I’ll buy the farn, but first we have to come to a decision on what the" Farnsworth
Johnny “Hey, mon, have a good” Damon.
Melky “My car is in the goddam shop, and I hate the bus, so I guess we'll have to take a” Cabrera.
Jose “My squires and I have traveled far and wide on behalf of King Arthur and his maiden, the love of my life, Lady Guene” Veras
Today on MySpace, Edwar Ramirez' friends (and that includes ME!) received this urgent bulletin:
A few fans have already heeded the call and left encouraging messages ("heyy edwar i think ur a amazingg pitcher and should stay postive"), but don't you think we all should? Here is the link.
By the way, from June 6 until today's emergency comment-in, the top comment was this depressing thing:
Imagine being Edwar and having to look at that every day.
Friday, June 20, 2008
May 19: He allowed "tainted" cereal products to be served at a team breakfast.
Curtis Montague Schilling is out for the year, out for the decade, out for a pack of cigarettes.
Let's breathe a sigh of relief: Looks like he's going to make good on his promise to never pitch for the Yankees.
Oh, we could say negative things about the man, but let's not go there. Instead, let's remember him on his wedding night, when there were better things to shed blood upon than socks.