Monday, January 31, 2011
Larry Rothschild, How To Train Your Dragon
Mariano Rivera, Unstoppable
Sergio Mitre, Catfish
Andruw Jones, I'm Still Here
Brian Schlitter, True Schlit
Russell Martin, Yogi Bear
Derek Jeter, True Grit
Hank Steinbrenner, Megamind
Rafael Soriano, The Tourist
Thank you Zachary, Anonymous, et al, for suggestions.
The love poems of the boss
John Sterling's real name
Yankee hotel room antics of Suzyn Waldman
The real nature of the good buddy relationship of Robbie Cano and Melky Cabrera
The real nature of the good buddy relationship of Curtis Granderson and Kathy Griffin
How many knee pads did Brian Cashman utilize as a rookie gm
Laura Posada's cup size
The list of women Derek Jeter has schtupped and why he's settling on Minka when he can do better
ProBowlatorial: To make the Pro Bowl matter, football should take a page from the Bud Selig playbook
The concern: Despite the respect players have for their conferences, a few simply went to Hawaii for the roast pig and native sex. To make the Pro Bowl matter, football should ponder the wisdom of Bud Selig, recently immortalized in Milwaukee with his statue (pictured right.)
Selig's plan for the MLB All-Star game should be used in football:
Make the winning conference the "Official Home Team" of the Super Bowl.
Sunday, when the Packers and Steeler face off in a neutral site, let the Packers - by virtue of the NFC victory -- wear their home team colors and call the coin flip. The scoreboard should designate them as "Home," and they should not have to be introduced until after the Steelers -- a huge advantage often overlooked by sportscasters, because it gives players more time to let the meds kick in, thus they're less likely to suffer a 4th quarter Coughlin Collapse.
Make the Pro Bowl matter.
Make the Super Bowl the Bud Bowl.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The greatest pride of all:
4. Ganja. When Tom Brady pulled out, his handlers went with him, and I gotta believe the AFC lost some primo weed. Still, it's hard to imagine Peyton Manning's troops reduced to stems and seeds. ADVANTAGE: TOSS UP.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
2. Food. Rooting for their favorite conference, guests will work up an appetite. Chips always delight everyone, but don't forget the dip. Remember: It's the "Pro Bowl," not the "Amateur Bowl." Ha ha.
3. Seating. What kind of host doesn't have chairs? Keep in mind, a couch is always a hit -- and you can't have too many pillows.
4. Tone it down. The intense NFC-AFC rivalry produces trash talk that often leads to violence. Stash the knives and guns under lock and key. Be prepared to step in and remind everybody it's just a game, and there will always be next year.
5. Wear your colors. Nothing revs a party like face paint. The AFC is Red, and the NFC is blue. Actually, you might want to check that. Maybe they change each year.
6. A TV. Make sure it works. Color, preferably, and put it in a prominent place, where all can watch. Consult local listings for time and station.
7. Grade the commercials. Unlike the Super Bowl, when the ads are new, these commericals will have aired all year. Thus, guests get their last chance to critique them.
8. Twister! Get out the mat and have your own halftime celebration.
9. Kareoke microphone. Get out the Mr. Microphone and let guests join in on the play-by-play. It's more fun than a barrel of Joe Bucks!
10. Hire some pros. Male and female. Nobody needs to go home without having been called for holding.
2. Hold a luxury tax payment "big check" ceremony, with their name on it.
3. Invite George W. Bush to every Yankee-Rangers game.
4. Buy Josh Hamilton membership in the Beer of the Month Club.
5. Erect a sign showing exactly where their wives are sitting in Yankee Stadium.
6. Play the 2011 World Series as "Yankees Classics" on YES.
7. Double our current offer to Andy Pettitte.
8. Require the Luis Sojo Band to play Austin City Limits.
9. When the Rangers visit, play the Zapruder film on the Jumbotron.
10. When we play them, beat their fukken asses.
Friday, January 28, 2011
"If he really wants to impress us then he can get the Rangers off of welfare and show how they can be revenue-sharing payers, rather than recipients for three years in row, without financing from Major League Baseball," Levine said Friday. "That would really be something."
Or, a better way of saying it:
The team that doesn't care less than the other team.
There's nothing that excites the NFL fan more than seeing his fearsome gridiron faves jogging in jolly-good slow mo, giving giggly sideline interviews and, through the miracle of modern microphones, getting more laughs from a football game than the blooper reel of a Jim Carey flick.
Aloha, Peyton! Have some Maui Wowie, Tom! All that's missing is Collapsin' Tom Coughlin, screaming along the sidelines because Eli fumbled without being touched! Him say Kellogg's Puffa-Puffa Rice!
Should the Yankees withhold luxury tax payments until MLB changes its passive stance toward Egyptian government?
"Geepers-kripes! I dint know MLB has a pro-stance toward them-there Pharaohs!"
(Readers never cease to delight us with their sense of discovery.)
Well, as the great George Orwell wrote: To not take a political stance is, in itself, to take a political stance.
Thus, "Pharaoh" Selig and his lawyer thugs, by not inflicting upon Egypt the rulebook mumbo-jumbo they usedto harass honest fan-blogs, like us, are reinforcing a pyramid-scheme government that today is firing upon its own people.
Firing upon its own people.
Of course, Selig and his erectionless legal posse have no qualms about firing on their fans. They shut down the John Sterling WinWarble before it could get enough traction to send honest rioters into the streets, asking why their Commissioner makes $18 million a year.
Did King Tut make $18 million a year?
For people who believe Hockey is for playing rather than watching, and that the NBA isn't worth paying any attention to until June, and that college basketball is now in pre-season for the Big Dance in March, one can only create one's own entertainment.
January 23, 2011 Sunday
To the Editor:
Oh dear, how embarrassing! Hoisted on his own excessively pedantic petard was Ben Yagoda. (Note the correct absence of the comma after "petard," because the subject cannot be separated from the verb, no matter what, though whether a "petard" can be "pedantic" is admittedly open to debate.)
While nearly all of Mr. Yagoda's corrections were indeed correct, he sadly committed an egregious error of his own ("The Elements of Clunk," The Chronicle Review, January 7). Perhaps had he taught further to the north (or is it "farther"?), or were he a more sporting fellow, he would have understood that one Yankee does not a ballgame make. The team in question was the New York Yankees, and the student had it right in saying that he hoped to attend a Yankees game. Even up here in Cambridge, Mass., where I reside, we know that much, perhaps because we like to watch the Red Sox, and not the Red Sock, as Mr. Yagoda's logic would have it.
(from Cambridge, Mass.)
Then came the comments on chronicle.com:
I speculate that the reason The New York Times has moved forward from "Yankee game" to "Yankees game" is that achieving brevity by arbitrarily shortening a proper name is a step onto a slippery slope. Should The New York Times softball team's games be called Time games?
If "Yankees" is undoubtedly correct, the organization should be fixing the sign: YANKEES STADIUM.
I like "Yankee game," "Yankee tradition," and "Yankee record" because they sound old-fashioned. In old movies and TV shows, you can even hear "in the Yankee Stadium." Love that "the."
would not have them do unto you,
you might not get done what you
didn't wanted to have gotten done."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
It's time to reconsider the Yankee hair ban. We could be losing stars who resent being denied the glorious self-expression of refusing to shave.
Look at the Troy Popawheelie and Clay Matthews, the new faces of football. And more hair than a barrel of monkeys.
Yes, we it runs contrary to the values of Moose Skowron and Roger Maris, but that was 50 years ago, and they are gone. The Beatle haircut came and went. Jenifer Anniston's haircut on Friends came and went. Weird Al Yankovic came and -- well -- he's still here. It's time for the Yankees to let fly not only their pennant flags, but their freak flags, too.
The Super Bowl will display football's two best defensive players. Neither could suit up for the Yankees. Our players have tattoos all over their bodies. The team doesn't ban tattoos. It's time to free our players.
FREE THE YANKEES.
LET MY PEOPLE GROW.
An avid New York Yankees baseball fan, Frawley had it written into his I Love Lucy contract that he did not have to work during the World Series if the Yankees were playing. The Yankees were in every World Series during that time except for 1954 and 1959. He missed two episodes of the show as a result.
Living Amid Snakes
Remember that like small animals in the woods, they are more scared of you than you are of them. And the more they spend, the more terrified of losing they will be. Here are five general rules.
1. Admit that Dustin Pedroia is a jolly fine fellow. It's not his fault that his brother has -- well -- "problems." Ask how Dusty's bones be a-healin', and express hope for a full recovery, because with wee folk -- well -- you just never know. Concede that D-Ped had a great 2008 and he'd make a fine Yankee someday, unless Ramiro Pena steps up his utility game. By propping up Pedroia, maybe the Redsock fans will extend the olive branch to acknowledge once and for all Nick Swisher’s greatness.
2. Gently, toss Arod under the bus. Why defend him? Cameron Diaz? Dinner with Clinton? Steroids? Sorry. Too much baggage. Remember that creepy magazine photo where he stares into the mirror? Nope, we cannot win, fighting for Arod -- unless he's having an MVP year. This winter, change the subject. How about that Tom Brady!
3. When they grouse about Yankee spending, push the END DISCUSSION button. Period. They cannot pretend to be some low-paying "alt" team. Note that a Youkilis beaning makes the exact same sound as a coconut hitting Gilligan’s skull. Walk away.
4. Let them save face. Remember -- they missed the playoffs last year. Talk up his players. Hey, how about that Mike Cameron! He's ready to play in 2011! Wish we had him.
5. In case of emergency, break glass: mention Big Papi's juice, Ted Williams’ frozen head, Curt Schilling’s weight, Curt Schilling’s use of ketchup, or the fact that Stephen King brings books to read during Redsock games. Whatever it takes. It's been a cruel winter, and we just gave them the new punch line of Bartolo Colon.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Objectively, this means nothing. Bartolo Colon, a Yankee.
He could be a pitching version of Marcus Thames, whatever that is.
But symbolically, this is the most frightening news of the winter. We're down to stems and seeds. Suddenly, Sergio Mitre looks like a fifth starter. Good grief, shouldn't we be talking to Chien-Ming Wang?
Let’s put it this way:
I like what I do
as long as.
it’s not easy,
as long as
I can take it,
ON THE FIELD
we have a great farm system,
we have great players,
that’s what it’s all about,
on the field.
FROM A DISTANCE
There’s a hell of a system here in place
That whether I’m here, or somebody else,
It’ll thrive, and uh and I’m proud to be
A part of it., and uh and but,
At the same time, I’ll be proud
You gotta be
all-in AND YA!
We’re at this stage,
I’m all-in, NO DOUBT!
UH-DI-YA-KNOW, HERE I GO
As long as I
Can handle the,
The media alri,
I think that I like
what I do,
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Proof that Shame is dead: 50 years later, the SF Giants show their faces in NYC and pretend to claim a fanbase
The New York Baseball Giants betrayed some of the most loyal fans in history, just doused the lights and snuck out with their bats and balls, to a place where ballgames wouldn't even start on the radio until 11 p.m. With the Dodgers, they kicked NYC square in the nuts and than ran before the pain rose.
If it happened today, the National Guard would be called.
If it happened today, well, it wouldn't happen.
Over the weekend, they returned with their World Series trophy -- gained from the draft picks of coming in last for a decade -- and shamelessly, ruthlessly, horribly, acted as if history never happened.
Said the Times:
... 53 years after their departure, the Giants came back to New York with Bill Neukom, the managing general partner and chief executive; Larry Baer, the president; Brian Sabean, the general manager; and Amalfitano, a special assistant for player development. They were on hand to help Posey celebrate his rookie award at the New York Baseball Writers Association of America dinner at the Hilton.
Most fans there were from California, just visiting NY. What's sad is that a few old-timers -- now in their 80s -- came to mourn the foul-smelling treachery of their ex-team.
Let this be said:
In 2010, the San Francisco Giants were as much a disgrace to New York City as the New York Football Giants.
As per our high moral standards, IT IS HIGH never condones violence. But this should not have been allowed to happen. There should have been a riot. Doesn't anybody out there carry crowbars anymore?
Tonight, I come before you to report that we -- that is, the New York Yankees – stand at the pinchpoint between Heaven and Hell.
Over the next 10 months, we will either rise as an organization to capture the 2011 World Series and, thus, cure hunger, restore the icecaps and lift America from her depression... or we will crumble, while our leaders scream like lice, our enemies bespoil our name and the country - nay, the planet - sinks into a dark age from which, frankly, it will never recover.
If we lose, know this: We shall be ridiculed by Redsocks, condemned by Mets, scorned by Rays and related to by Royals. The choice is ours: Paradise or Peoria?
We have players destined for the Hall of Fame: Derek Jeter, (Applause) Mariano Rivera, (Applause) Alex Rodgriguez (Applause, boos, applause), CC Sabathia (applause), Mark Teixiera (applause) and the real 2010 American League Most Valuable Player (applause) Robinson Cano (applause)!
We have rising young stars, such as Brett Gardner (applause), Curtis Granderson (applause), Phil Hughes (applause) and Nick Swisher (applause.) (Cameras show Joba Chamberlain, looking dejected that his name wasn't mentioned.)
We have great prospects, such as Jesus Montero (shouts of "Praise him!") and the Killer B's - Brackman, Bannuelos and Betances -- (applause) but friends we have great concerns.
Last year, our starters crumbled (shot of AJ Burnett, hanging head), suffered from inconsistency (shot of Joba, pretending not to notice that he's on TV), while we played through injuries (shot of Jorge Posada, crying) and failed against Texas in the clutch. (Girardi shaking his head.)
This winter, we failed at luring the players who could re-envigorate this franchise. We signed Rafael Soriano for the bullpen. (Shot of Cashman, dejectedly walking out of hall) We signed Andruw Jones. (Shot of Andruw, sitting in grandstand next to Congressional intern who saved Gabrielle Giffords.) But without a rotation, we are doomed.
Today, our 40-man roster -- supposedly representing one of the strongest farm systems in baseball -- has the following cast-offs: Robert Fish. Steve Garrison. Romulo Sanchez. Brian Schlitter. Daniel Turpen. Jordan Parraz. Greg Golson. (Silence). None are prospects. They failed to make other 40-man rosters. We picked them up, because we are desperate and because somewhere, our system is not producing.
Today, our future hinges on the health of great Yankees over the age of 36 -- and unproven players, with almost no track record. If not for a recent signing, which seems to have shattered internal peace, (shot of Cashman's empty seat), we would have no one to replace the Great Rivera, should he suffer injury.
Through an unprecendented arms build-up, Boston has improved. (Booing) Under manager Buck Showalter -- a devout Yankee enemy -- (Hissing) Baltimore will rise. In the National League, Toronto would have made the playoffs. And yet the team we should most fear is Tampa -- despite loss of free agents -- is still loaded from a decade of high draft picks. One injury, one off-year ... and we could come in last. (Shout of "You lie!" from Anonymous, seated in gallery.)
No, Anonymous, I tell the truth! (Applause, people attack, physically pummel Anonymous.) No, let him go. (Crowd lets Anonymous go.) This is the greatest challenge yet to the New Millenium New York Yankees.
People, we have the honor to witness the last great stand of Jorge Posada. (Applause) The last great stand of Mariano Rivera (growing applause). The last great stand of Derek Jeter (wild applause). The last days of the great team once known as Torre’s Yankees.
Yes, Joe Torre. Let me say the name. (Shot of Torre, sitting in gallery beside Yogi Berra, Whitey Ford, God and John Sterling.)
He's now out of baseball, which means... (standing ovation)... he is back within our family, at least in spirit. (Torre breaks down, weeps, dons Yankee hat, reaches out to figure in back aisle and pulls out... Andy Pettitte, who waves to crowd. Torre puts Yankee cap on Pettitte's head. Crowd goes mad with ecstacy.)
Ladies and gentlemen, we -- the 2011 New York Yankees -- stand at the gateway to heaven, the gateway to hell... AND WE WILL RECEIVE THE DESTINATION WE DESERVE.
(Suzyn Waldman in control room shrieks "Andy Pettitte! Andy Pettitte! Andy Pettitte!")
GOD BLESS THE YANKEES, AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Well, Cash... if you really do feel that way...
Sir, the door is over there, next to the Bob Watson Ceremonial Chopping Block.
The truth is: I like Cash. I don't want to see him go. He's been a part of the Yankees so long that nobody even thinks of the play on his name anymore. Ranking on Cash is part of being a Yankee fan, like debating Joba's future. Everybody remembers the bum deals, and we forget that he kept Phil Hughes. Would he elevate a small town franchise? He'd sure do better than those Baltimore Bozos about to sign Vladimir Guerrero. Cash is a smart guy. I think he's an honest guy. He'll do well. But that's not the point.
The fact is, Brian Cashman has the job every baseball fan in the world would kill to have -- for one day. He runs the Yankees. Hell, I'd not only pick up Hank Steinbrenner's laundry, I'd clean his nicotine-stained underwear myself by pounding it on rocks in the crocidile-infested Nile. What fan wouldn't?
If Cashman's bored, or feeling unloved, or angry that he's not getting credit -- because the Yankees too much spend money and wanted Rafael Soriano... well, goobye. Sad to see him go. But goobye.
I hate the idea of a Yankee GM pondering his future in another city. There are many reasons -- Jesus Montero being one -- that Yankee fans might want Cash to clarify his future before he makes trades that could haunt us for years to come. I'm not saying he'd do that. But this is the Yankees, folks. Whatever he does will be second-guessed long after he's into his second career.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
1969 - Jets win Super Bowl in Joe Namath era. Yanks mired in Horace Clarke era.
1982 - Jets lose AFC Championship game in Mark Gastineau era. Yanks mired in Steve Kemp era.
1998 - Jets lose AFC Championship game in Vinnie Testaverde era. Yanks win WS.
2009 - Jets lose AFC Championship game in Mark Sanchez era. Yanks win WS.
Today - Jets play Steelers. Yanks mired in Sergio Mitre off-season.
Statistical summary: Throughout history, in seasons when the Jets lose in the AFC Championship game, there is a 66 percent chance that the Yankees will win the World Series.
In seasons when the Jets win the Super Bowl, there is a 100 percent chance that the Yankees will be putrid.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Alphonso sure thinks so
Mr. Jones and me tell each other fairy tales
And we Stare at the beautiful women...
Shalalala la la la Uh huh..
I was down at the New Amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
Mr. Jones strikes up a conversation with a black-haired flamenco dancer
… Well, actually, Hillary was running the country between ’93 and ‘99. I like to say that she was really the first “President Bush.” That’s a joke.
... And so, Ms. Cameron Diaz, upon my signing of this official napkin, you are hereby mandated to visit my hotel room at 11 p.m. tonight, or you’ll be in violation of my Presidential Executive Order Number 69-69.
… Alex, it surely must have been tough losing four straight to the Redsocks. Then again, you never had to search an entire golf course because Newt Gingrich lost his Viagra script.
... “Chin music?” Hahahaha. Oh, sorry, Alex. I was thinking of something else.
… Cameron, you were hilarious in “Something about Mary.” In fact, at one point, Monica ran around with a similar hair situation.
… Cameron, I feel your pain. Yes, I know... that’s actually your thigh.
Friday, January 21, 2011
A fan comment from nj.com
Why do the Yankees keep signing ex-juicers? Once they're off the stuff, their numbers go south within one or two seasons. His melon looks almost as large as Barry Bonds' size 8 1/2 - another things that grows when you use the juice.
1. Can play LF, rob opposing batters of home runs.
2. Bring closer to Syracuse snow base.
3. Probably hit for higher average than Andruw Jones.
4. Keep Redsocks from getting him.
5. Help Arod/Tex in rebounding.
Agruments opposed to acquiring Camelo:
1. Denver will demand Betances (6'8") and Brackman (6'10")
2. Michael Jordan experience in baseball.
3. Knicks need him more.
4. Cashman already threw hissy fit over Soriano.
5. Would undermine confidence in Joba.
Yankeetorial: All this jibber-jabber about Cashman overlooks the central point: He is NOT the Voice of the Yankees
This week, the Yankiverse waited baited-breathlessly to hear Brian Cashman explain why he was for the Rafael Soriano signing before he was against it. The world stood still, analyzing each of Cashman's words like stool samples from the Bulgarian women's weightlifting team.
This would be fine, except that we are disregarding the opinion of the Man who happens to be the solitary human vocalizing communcations embodiment of the New York Yankees.
4. Still resents home runs Jones hit in 1996 World Series
5. Must come up with new HR call.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Legendary outfielder for the Atlanta Braves. Yeah he won gold gloves and all that but what makes him a legend is his appearance in court during The Gold Club (atlanta strip club) scandal. Jones went to a party hosted by owner of the club, during said party Jones fucked two strippers in front of several people. Here's what happened when asked about it in court.
Prosecutor: What were the women doing?
Jones: Lesbian action
Prosecutor: What did you do?
Jones: Both of 'em. (With a look on his face that said 'What the fuck you think I did?')