Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Yankeetorial: It's time to ponder Yankee Doomsday... the end of John and Suzyn

That's right. No Little Debbie Snack Cake Breaks.

No Suzyn's Clubhouse Report.

Suddenly, humankind will be able to predict baseball.

The Mayans projected that everything would end in 2012. They were huge Yankee fans. (The Aztecs, however, whose million man army surrendered to Hernan Cortez, were Met fans.)

Next year, the Yankees will put their radio broadcast rights out to bid. The winning media outlet will decide on its announcers. ESPN, a front-runner, would probably hire Yankee-neutral voices -- if not anti-Yankee activists. (Note to Sterling critics: When our games are called by Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez, you might miss John more than you think.)

Thus, we believe John Sterling's final game - whenever it comes - will be a landmark event in world and Yankee history.

We say:
IN HIS FINAL GAME, LET JOHN STERLING MANAGE THE YANKEES.

LET SUZYN BE BENCH COACH.

LET HIM USE HIS SPORTS INSTINCTS TO WIN A GAME, RATHER THAN SIMPLY REPORT IT.

Sign the petition:
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/johnsterlingmustmanage/

What will this mean for that incredible game?

1. We'll play A-B-C baseball. If we get a man on second with nobody out, YOU BETTER GODDAMM BELIEVE we will move the man over to third, and then score him on a fly ball or grounder.

2. With a three-and-one count, if the pitcher is struggling with control, YOU BETTER GODDAMM BELIEVE the batter will be told to take a pitch. I don't care who it is, either. It's just smart baseball.

3. Brett Gardner gets on first? YOU BETTER BELIEVE HE WILL RUN. What's the point of having that speed if he's not running?

4. Any chance of predicting what will happen? What do you think?

3 comments:

Alphonso said...

I think the Yankees will lose 1-0, unless they are playing Boston. Then, we will lose 14-3.

John M said...

The Yankees will, however, always beat Baltimore. Unless they have to win in order to clinch a playoff spot, in which case they will go 0 for 27 with men in scoring position. The bullpen will come into a 1-0 game in the 6th and give up 75 runs before the game is called by curfew.

Joe Girardi will say, "Sometimes you have games like this", and his solution will be to drink more water and hit the weights a little harder before giving the team a stern talking-to.

Joe De Pastry said...

John will start trying to high-five everybody when he thinks Teixeira has hit a three-run homer in the top of the ninth, only to be told by Tony Pena that the ball was caught ten feet short of the warning track.
Game ends: Tampa 2, Yankees 0.