Friday, December 31, 2010
Did you call to them last night? The all-time greatest baseball nicknames that sound like someone vomiting
Once again -- in the names of Brett, Maris, Damon and Cone -- the Yankees invited Kansas City folks to Gotham and then stole their wallets while they stood up to cheer.
Most refreshing was the stunning and creative new format: the post-touchdown, celebratory game-ending hosejob.
For those of you with lives, or who didn't care about two teams with records worse than the unspeakably rancid and earth-embarrassing NY Giants... here's what happened.
With seconds left, Kansas State scored a touchdown to come within two points of Syracuse. In the end zone, the SU defensive back shoved the wide receiver, seemingly an unsportsmanslike conduct penalty. The Kansas wide receiver turned to the crowd and gave a military salute. Briefly. That was it.
At that point, manager Billy Martin erupted from the Yankee dugout and demanded that referees check the ball for pine tar. They found some in the area of the stitches and assessed a 15-yard penalty, requring KSU to attempt the tying two-point play from the 15 yard line, instead of the three.
Folks, it was like beating on Kansas City back in the days of Manny Mota.
In fact, it reminded us of an old IT IS HIGH poem...
Some from the fabulous Syracuse community were almost in a swing out at the 161st Street D train station after the game.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
... Then came words bringing terror to Yankee fans eveywhere: The Yankees are interested in Bartolo Colon
Maybe our young pitchers are worse than we thought.
According to the wires, the Yankees are interested in Bartolo Colon, a beanbag-shaped vagabond who hasn't hit 95 on the gun since the last time Donald Rumsfeld was being hailed as a geopolitical strategist.
Listen: It's OK to pick up rocks to see what's underneath.
It's OK to visit garage sales or buy tube socks at flea markets.
It's OK to date ex-members of Hole, as long as you wear protection.
Bartolo Colon? No. It's not OK to Bartolo Colon.
Fortunately, we can take into consideration the source of the news that the Yankees are interested in Bartolo Colon:
Colonoscopy? Sure, sign me up!
Bartolo Colon? No thanks.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
-- not the Yankees -- were MLB's most hated team.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
1. Lost revenue from sales of frozen Slushies.
2. Brett Farve only recently woke up from 4-week cryogenic freeze.
3. Who can play football with testicles shriveling up!
4. Snow obscures on-field NFL product placement ads.
5. DB shoulder-length hairstyles may freeze and snap off.
6. Winning coach could be crushed by hard block of Gatorade.
7. Michael Vick needs to be home cuddling with warm puppies.
8. Kicking cold football hurts toe.
9. Field within iceball throwing distance of fans.
10. QBs refuse to remove hands from centers' warm crotch.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Suck up a molecule of pride, you miserable toad.
Today, we should root for the sorryass Gints to get slapped around like Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant after a bad coke deal. There's a time when every God-fearing fan must deny performing juju for his team's own good, and today is it.
Unless you've slept through the last 15 years, you should know that any time Giant fans show optimism about their team -- ANY TIME -- the expression of hope has the effect of an albatross carcass necklace for a salty seaman. The team collapses.
The only way for the Giants to win is if their fans scorn them -- a double reverse juju bank shot that somehow catches the underside of Coughlin's Crankies and lifts them to victory. That's what happened in 2007: Going into the final weeks, with Shockey and Kiwanuka gone, the Giants Universe abandoned hope and started looking at Coughlin's successor. Suddenly, they won.
So here's the game plan: GO YOU PACKERS. Kill the Gints. It doesn't matter anyway. We'd lose early in the playoffs for sure. Lose now. If Coughlin goes, Bill Cowher can take over, we have a chance for 2012, and maybe we'll be able to believe in the Giants openly, without suffering the consequences.
Repeating: Do not root today. The juju gods punish fans who do not remember history.