Thursday, September 30, 2010
Just as science has yet to understand what penguins are thinking when they reproduce, so have our greatest analytical minds come up "blank" on why the loss of dear celuloid friends always boosts the Yankee winning percentage. This is why Yankee fans are often seen cheering with tears in their eyes.
Well, don't start cheering yet, Yankiverse.
The death of Tony Curtis will likely impact the Yankee-Redsock series this weekend. After all, Curtis once played "The Boston Strangler." But does this mean the death of a Boston team -- or of a team that would strangle a team of Bostonians?
Curtis' death comes too early to help the Yankees' post-season drive. However, star deaths occur in threes. (See seminal research, IIH 2009) Is Curtis launching a triad? If so, the future -- as Sarah Palin would say -- "bodes well."
Without all my starters on
You think I'm weaker
When the Captain looks very wrong
So come and get me
So I let my walls come down, down
Before you met me
I was alright, but things this year
allowed others to rollover
But you'll bring me to life
At the start of October
You'll be my bloody Valentine
The Yanks are going all the way this year
No regrets, just love
We can dance, until we die
We will be young forever
You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
The way you turn me on
We can't sleep
We'll run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back
So there you have it, Texas. Think about it, Minnesota.
Yankees lose? Poof. Drew Barrymore as "Firestarter."
Yankee season ends? Screaming season begins.
Simple terms, people, simple terms:
If AJ Burnett is not lights out, we will have no recourse -- none, whatsoever -- but to be "lights-on."
As John would say, let's burn something togethahhhhhhhh. Mwahahahahahahaahahhahahah.
All my balls are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside the clubhouse door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But my ERA is breakin' far above what's norm
The fans are hating', they've caused a storm
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
So forgive me and pity me
Why oh why did you trade for me?
Forget me and this time really let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
I hope I won't be back again
Oh babe, I can't wait to go
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
C: Jorge Posada, Jose Molina (Molina only plays if Jorge gets hurt.)
IN: Mark Teixteira, Tino Martinez, Robbie Cano, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Luis Sojo (in case of injury, Homer Bush, who beats out Aaron Boone, because he whiffed)
OF: Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neill, Johnny Damon, Brett Gardner, Shane Spencer (Gardner for speed -- rather than Freddie Guzman; Spencer for RH power off bench)
DH: Hideki Matsui, Gary Sheffield (Sorry, Jason)
STARTERS: CC Sabathia, Andy Pettitte, Orlando Hernandez, David Wells (No need for fifth starter in post.)
BULLPEN: Mariano Rivera, Mike Stanton, Damaso Marte, Mike Mussina, Ramiro Mendoza, Phil Hughes (Never forget Mussina's relief appearance in Aaron Boone game)
Who deserves 30 days of ecstacy?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Clearly, the team is not attempting a six-game losing streak. We're just losing them one at a time. Last night, we turned to "The Healthy Pavano," AJ Burnett. Last year, after a 7-run, 3-inning outing, AJ would serve as his own harshest critic. Last night, he just recited his post-season qualifications like a politician who won't discuss his pedophila arrest.
I have lost hope. Do you hear me, Yankiverse? I HAVE LOST ALL HOPE.
Forget beating Toronto. The Blue Jays kicked our Lance Berkmanlike butts all year, even before we obtained the former Astro for Mark Melancon, now pitching well in Houston.
Forget winning a game in Boston. If those games matter, we'll lose all three.
We have one chance: Ozzie Guillen. Can he beat Boston once? I'm bettting yes, allowing the Slackers of September to fall over the finish line and lie face-down, wheezing for the playoffs
From there, well, imagine the New York Giants' offense in the fourth quarter of a tight game:
Three and out.
R.I.P. Gene Mauch. And GO OZZIE!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Once again, a Nobody from Nowhere has saved our Pinstriped, Gotham, millionaire, rockstar butts.
Huffman and Curtis delivered key at bats in that win over LA, when their closer threw 200 pitches. Golson's otherworldly throw to third beat the Rays. Now Miranda's walkoff walk preserves the season.
Because if we lost last night...
Doomsday. We'd have blown at least two in Toronto, then headed to delirious Boston, facing the chance of being humiliated on a tectonic level that would have made the 2004 AL playoffs meltdown look like a rain-shortened exhibition defeat in late February.
We dodged the asteroid. We surfed the tsunami. The volcano missed us.
Thanks to Scranton.
Listen: Our testicles shrank into watermelon seeds in July, after Boston's wheels fell off the go-cart. Texas and Minnesota ran away in the other divisions, leaving us to drunkenly plan our playoff rotation for the next two months. It might have worked, had we not ditched some AL East game-grinders like Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui for a bunch of National League number-generators -- Nick Johnson, Javier Vazquez and Lance Berkman. We've been dead for so long, we hadn't even noticed.
But we had the Electric City Boys.
I'm not sure if you flick turn team spirit on and off, like a light-switch. But I hope we take at least one Scrantonian into October.
Mr. Golson, I think Austin Kearns is in need of a long-winter's nap.
Kerry Wood. Best move Cashman made all year.
We don't want to lose you
This good thing
That we got
'Cause if we do
We will surely,
Surely lose a lot
'Cause your pitching is better
Than any other we know
It's like thunder and lightning
To the opposition it's frightening
We better knock, knock on wood, baby
Think we better knock, knock, knock on wood
Sunday, September 26, 2010
When asked by YES Network's Kim Jones if he will continue to use Chad in special back to back homer yielding situations he said, "Our statistical analysis shows he's definitely the man for the job."
Tampa Tribune (Florida)
September 18, 2010 Saturday
Your Martin Fennelly is an award-winning sports columnist but his cheap dig at Derek Jeter of the Yankees, calling him "Jeter the Cheater," was totally unwarranted. I have been involved baseball for years, from coaching to umpiring, and what transpired during the game Wednesday night was baseball at its best. Yes, I am a Yankee fan for over 50 years and the Rays deserved to win. But as Rays manager Joe Maddon said, he would have applauded his player for doing the same thing as Derek did.
Just don't forget Derek's "Turn 2 Foundation." He has raised over $10 million for disadvantaged young people, and he does it in the Tampa Bay area, where he is also a resident. Martin owes Derek an apology for a cheap shot.
4. Set burning paper bags of dog-doo outside clubhouse, so they stomp out fires and get stinky.
10. Use as "Top Kill" plugs for next Gulf of Mexico oil rig disaster.
During the baseball game, Derek Jeter of the Yankees claimed he had been hit by a pitch, while the replays showed the ball hit the bat, as the bat was ejected from his grip. Jeter stood by, grabbing his arm as if he had been hit. The umpires didn't ask for injury verification and let the batter go to first base. Derek knew he hadn't been hit, but he kept quiet and said nothing.
The debonair looking Albert "Tick Tock" Tannenbaum has been given the job to try and lure Chad away from his partner
Must you dance every dance with the same fortunate man?
You have danced with him since the music began.
Won't you change partners and dance with me?
Must you dance quite so close with your lips touching his face?
Can't you see I'm longing to be in his place?
Won't you change partners and dance with me?
Below, an excerpt from a true story by my friend Joe
Last week, I ran into McCarver standing at the JetBlue check-in counter, by the gate, on my flight to NY City. He was doggedly trying to get something done with the JetBlue attendant (he was there a good 20 minutes). It was probably a seat upgrade, since he was finally seated in the first row on the aisle. I guess he doesn't like mingling with the masses and wanted to get on and off the plane, with the minimum of personal contact.
Like a jerk, I tried to make small talk with Tiny Tim. “Going to NY City,” I cheerfully said.
He looked at me and my Yankee ring like I was turd on the bottom of his shoe. “No, I'm going to Boston!” she snapped back. Like, duh, I'm at the gate taking off to New York City, you moron. Where else could I be going? Now if you know me, you know I don't take spit off anybody. So I cracked back, “That was a statement Tim, not a question.”
Then to show him he wasn't better than me, I told a JetBlue attendant, while McCarver was still haggling with the first Jet Blue attendant about a first row, aisle seat, “I'd like to upgrade my seat to one of those extra legroom seats you advertise. On the isle, if possible”
She said, “Yes sir, I have a 10th row aisle seat available. That will be an extra $35.”
I said, “Great. Hook me up. I have no problem mingling with people.” Then I glanced at McCarver, who was standing less than a foot away from me. “I'm not like some people I know.” Tiny Tim shrugged, like “screw this peon.” McCarver did get the seat he wanted and he continued the rest of the JetBlue Experience to New York City, sitting in the first row, aisle, with his head buried in a newspaper, not speaking a word to anyone. When the flight was over, he bolted from the plane like the Lone Ranger, without his trusty sidekick Tonto. What an absolute a-hole.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
You can't make this stuff up!
Actually those olympians are probably better pitchers than Gaudin.
To those who say, "This team's not done!
"Twenty-six, twenty-five, since August one.
To those who say, "Don't fear the worst!."
Twenty-six, twenty-five, since August first.
To those who say, "We're champs, remember?"
Ten wins, twelve losses, in September.
Some pundits cry, "Our team's still great!"
So were the Mets -- 2008.
Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said experts are looking at ways to reduce the number of broken maple bats in the wake of the frightening moment when Cubs outfielder Tyler Colvin was struck in the chest while running toward home from third base.