Live game chat tonight @ 8

Live game chat tonight @ 8
Be there

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Abreu ties ESPN's HR projection in 108th game, eyes Balboni's mark

After mashing three homers in two days, Bobby Abreu now has a total of 14 on the season with 54 games to play, a figure that the ESPN fantasy boys projected to be his take for the full-162.

More importantly, the power surge leaves Abreu just 4 short of Steve Balboni's hallowed mark of 41 homers as a Yankee.

"I know I haven't done anything yet," Abreu said. "But even to be mentioned in the same breath as Mr. Balboni is amazing."

The timing of what local papers are now calling The Quest is not lost on Abreu, who said "for this to be happening in The Stadium's final season -- and in a playoff race -- is almost too much..."

Missed Opportunity

They traded prospects and cash, just to be rid of Manny?

Hell, if we knew they were throwing in prospects and cash, we'd have taken him off their hands.

IIH, IIF, IIc could use a typist.

Bye, Manny!

Love ya, babe. Let's do lunch.

Still Can't Believe We Got IRod

I'm here in England, and -- Holy Samoli -- I hear we traded the Farnster for Irod, and the Redsocks are about to peddle Manny for Jason Bay?

I should come to England every week.

Hell, I should move here. I should buy a mansion next to Madonna, then just sit next to the pool and blog about Yankee victories.

We'll trade Chris Britton for Chase Utley, while the Redsocks trade Big Papi for some Milwaukee Brewer middle innings bobblehead.

I has to be that prayer, the one I said at Stonehenge yesterday. I'm telling you, it was religious, it was astral, it was like Roger Clemens stroking the CF monuments... yes, the strange woo-woo sound the Celtic winds made as they pinwheeled through the Mens Room santity airflow vents. It was as if the ghosts of England -- I'm talking about King Arthur and his wife, Bea -- were saying to me, "Jorge has contacted you from his unconscious state, while undergoing shoulder surgery, and he has a message: 'Everything will be OK... Catfish says hi... Don't trade Brett Gardner..." and some other stuff, really personal, which I don't feel like sharing, other than to say it included the coordinates for a good website for buying Viagra.

Gotta go. What a steal. Irod for Farn the Barn. Unbelievable.

Big G ...

... big bird

(edit: link works again)

Jolligood deal, old bean!

(Filed from England, home of mysterious Stonehenge.)

We're on the latest rage, the "steacation:" You go somewhere far away and eat a steak. We're here on the Mother Ship. Visited Windsor Castle. Home of the Magna Carta, which freed us to sign Catfish Hunter. Queen not home. Bummerino. Saw the Roman Baths of Bath. Drank luke warm bathwater (not the first time, though, first time had to pay.) Then... onto the mysterious outgrowth of mystery known as the mysterious Stonehenge.

Words cannot describe the words that flashed in my mind. I ambled around the circle of giant stones, a 20-minute circumnambulance, silently chanting "Do not trade Brett Gardner; do not listen to Alphonso" throughout my visitation. (If I'd known of the chance of trading Farnsworth -- WHO NOW CLEARLY MUST BE NAMED YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, BY THE WAY -- I would have said a more pertient prayer. Still, I hope it worked.)

When one pauses in the presence of the giant, sacred stones to listen to the wind rippling through the tourists, it is a moment suspended in time, rife with emotions too emotional to emote here.

Simply stated, I wonder what those stones would say if only they could talk...

And, too, I wonder... if we learned enough... to listen... to what their message would be?

Cheerio. Go Edwar

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Impact on Posada: Anaylsis of the Krazy Kyle-Pudge Trade

It's like your wife is away for a while or in a coma or having surgery. And this really hot chick is in town, but just for a little while and not permanently and she likes you and wants to hang out and have fun. And she's really, really hot. And likes you. A lot. And really, really hot.

You don't love your wife any less, do you?

Of course not!

Well, it's like that.

Note: the views expressed do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the New York Yankees, John Sterling, Suzyn Waldman or Carlos Silva.

So Long, Farnsy


So much for the EOTM voting increasing someone's trade value. Kyle's gone, Iggy's still in the system.

Three In a Row

Last night, for the third straight game, and for about the 30th time this season, the Yankees lost a game in the first inning.

This team just cannot come back from giving up an early run, or two, or four.

Darrell Rasner, in my recollection, has never emerged from a first inning of a start without being in trouble, expending about 28 pitches and ( usually ) giving up a run or two.

If the Yankees don't get that run back in their half of the inning ( almost never ), the game is over. This team huffs and puffs, but has no heart for coming back.

I am now beginning to look at this as a positive thing, for Yankee fans and their families.

For one thing, you can turn off the game and do something else.

OK. Maybe they'll put on a dramatic show ( like their furious rally last night in the 9th ) but, when they turn out the lights, they will come up short. So you can stay glued to the tube or radio for 3.5 hours and wind up throwing something, or you can get a breath of fresh air, spend some depreciating dollars and have a pint at a local establishment.

It seems that this newly re-built team is now back-sliding to their pre-all star break mediocrity.;

Nady went down looking with the tying runs on base (Brett Gardner could do that). The new lefty helped the Orioles stain a pretty decent, if hugely laborious and pain-staking, pitching effort from Rasner for yet another loss. He is on pace to be 3-20, even though he pretty much gives us 6 innings and 2-3 runs.

So, tonight, it is Joba. We have a 50-50 shot of winning if he throws another shut-out. I just hope Joe doesn't go to Mariano if it is 0-0 in the top of the ninth.

I can make the 7:15pm movie tonight if the Yanks give up a run to the Mighty O's in the first inning.

What a year.

Dinner at the Cashmans

In today's episode, Brian hears some good advice.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Pip-pip from the UK, Mates: Blimey! I hear we won 2 of 3. Jolly Good!

Hello from 'cross the "pond!"

We must be doing well. Everybody calls me a Yank. Nobody has called me a Redsock.

Trouble in Paradise: USA Today only prints scores, no boxes. Thus, I know we lost horribly, 9-2, to Mannytown. I assume that Sidney was pitching? I don't want to look it up. Did he singlehandedly destroy our mojo? Was it like the last time Sir Sid hurled against the Redsocks, when he was pitched overboard the following day?

Off to mysterious Stonehenge. Did you know it holds 56 original holes? That's the number of games that Joe D hit in consecutively! Anybody think it's, as Tarzan John would say, "a co-ink-i-dink?") No way. There's something going on. The DiMaggio Code.

Oh, well, cheerio, mates. I've got to throw some shrimp on the barbie. (Wait a minute. Is that Australia?)

Today's quiz: Recapping the Redsock series

1. The overriding impression left with Yankees fans after the series was:
A. We took 2 of 3 in their park; we're officially back in the race;
B. Thanks to ManRam, the Redsocks are ready to implode;
C. Joba Chamberlain could be the ace of the staff down the stretch;
D. Have a nice flight back to Aruba, Sidney.

2. There are runners in scoring position. The MVP, Alex Rodriguez, strides to the plate. The Redsocks:
A. Have the infielders guard the line to prevent an extra-base hit;
B. Bring in a fresh right-handed reliever to get the best matchup;
C. Walk him if first base is open;
D. Breathe a sigh of relief.

3. Manny Ramirez is:
A. A cancer in Redsock locker room;
B. Afraid to face Joba;
C. A whining, spoiled brat;
D. The Yankees' 2009 DH.

4. The Yankees added Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte via trade. But Brian Cashman is trying to bring in one more new player to round out the roster for the stretch run. That player is:
A. Jarrod Washburn;
B. A.J. Burnett;
C. Barry Bonds;
D. Brett Favre.

Monday, July 28, 2008

A real race for Employee of the Month!


We haven't had a battle this close yet. Moose, Robbie, Cash and ... yes, it's true ... IGGY!

And don't count out the Boss or Joba yet, either. (Sorry, Tom the Bomb, but it looks like Farnsy is getting overlooked again).

Screw McCain-Obama. THIS is the real race.

Three days to go.

It's My Fault, Not Sidney's !


I cannot watch Yankee/Red sox games live from Fenway.

The Boston fans make me sick. The red sox make me sick.

Everytime I watch, we not only lose, but we re-energize the Red sox if they have been foundering. We get them healthy if they have been hurt. We raise the game of Jacoby and that kid named "Detritus " ( or something similar ), who plays second base.

The first two games, I honored my past and did not watch. We won them both.

So, last night, I figured, " what's to lose?" We've already won the series. Maybe we really are back. Maybe Sidney is not the boozing, disrespectful loser we all thought he was.

First pitch is rocked to center for a single. By the time the recently recovered Manny followed the recently recovered Big Pappy's single to right with a double to the gap, I knew the game was over. We were only down one, but it was obvious the good karma was finished.

I turned it off right then and there.
It was, by then, too late.
I won't make this mistake again. Blame this one on me. Not on Sidney. He is bad enough already.

Another day, another autograph



This autograph is brought to you by the myth, the legend, Ian Patrick Kennedy (seen here before the game, conversing with known non-English speaker, Kei Igawa):

While Igawa resumed duties as the first base coach for the night, Ian decided to sign a few autographs and then change into more casual apparel. He was then spotted with a white polo and a friend down by the radar gun. Unlike Igawa's days off, he was not pretending to keep score.


Also of note was the appearance of Brian Bruney, Chris Britton, and Scott Patterson milling around the dugout (demoted Brett Gardner hadn't flown in yet), and tiny Nick Green blasting a 3-run homer to dead center off of Francisco Liriano!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Experts agree:

"WE HAVE NO CLUE!"
Despite predictions, prognostications and guesses, it's pretty god-damned clear that from this point, anything can happen... based on the fact that no one could have predicted what has actually happened so far.

On behalf of all the experts, please let's keep that in mind. Thank you.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

(cryptic title here)

Pirate Trade Re-written

EVERYONE GETS IN WRONG


Turns out, we didn't give up two AA pitchers whom none of us have ever heard of.

We gave up Tabata....our top prospect as a position player.  OK, this year at AA he has been rebellious, fat and unproductive.  But he is only 20.

We gave up Ohlendorf....we know what he is.  Too smart for any team in the AL East.

We gave up Jeff Karstens......a starter at AAA with an excellent record in his comeback from injury.  He is young and, in my view, more talented than Rasner.  He out-pitched Rasner when they both came up to the Yankees last season.  If he stays healthy, he is a good long-term starter for the patch-eyed sailors.

We gave up McCutcheon...whom many have raved about.

So, we did not pull off a trade like the Mets did for Santana...giving up some minor league dregs for a superstar.

We gave up a lot for two bandaids.  Nady we need, big time, due to Matsui and Damon being wounded, and Gardner and Christian just not being offensive contributors.

The old lefty is not really needed.  Right now, both Edwar and Veras get lefties as well as anyone.  I'll wager $20 that Big Pappy takes this new dude deep, the very first time Joe calls on him trying to capitalize ( by the book ) on the lefty on lefty match-up opportunity.

Sorry to take the steam out of our whistles. 

 I don't understand what happened.  Did the Pirates have a 24 hour "opt-out " clause depending on what kind of criticism they endured after the original trade was announced?

This trade now favors the bad guys.

El Duque Disguises Self for Secret Scouting Mission

Sometime today, from an undisclosed airport, Mr. Senor El Duque, 

lead rogue in the IIH,IIF, IIc editorial staff and ownership cadre, will depart for a foreign country.

Rumors abound.  Editors and journalists from every major league city,
and even from a supposedly " wacked" out Alphonso working off-site
in South Mexico, suggest that Brian Cashman has engaged El Duque
to " scout new talent for the Bombers. "

After considerable research, El Duque has concluded that British Cricket Players represent a valid source of right handed batters.  Impressed already with our Chinese prospects, Duque 
is ( reportedly ) en route to the UK.  None of this has been confirmed by anyone.  

A call to Alphonso's cell phone got a garbled, " no comment " kind of response. The only thing I will tell you, " muttered Alphonso, " is that El Duque is not exactly of the strawberries and cream set, now is he?  So why would he be going to cricket matches?  And who wants to watch a bunch of bugs hopping around in a dried out wheat field, anyway?"

After last night's deal with Pittsburgh, however, anything can still happen.  Personally, I wish Duque well.  Things are slowing down for him.  Just as they have for Phil Hughes, Carl Pavano, and Ian Kennedy.

We'll know soon enough what El Duqu is doing.  And no, we are not at war with our allies, so another " embedded with the troops " assignment is apparently not in these cards.

However, if he returns with one of those fraternity paddles, a new enthusiasm for wickets and one of those " Queen Mum " hats, we'll know he found something .

How about a catcher, Duque?


Nady to Leave Disney Attraction, Play Baseball

Say, that was Xavier Nady walking Spanish between innings 1 and 2 of last night's Padres/Pirates game. That's right, he's jumping ship,















saying "so long" to colleagues and fans...















...and, of course, to Pittsburgh.















XN comes aboard with .330 / 57 RBIs / 13 HRs + Damaso Marte.




Let's all say it together: booty.

How Will John Call an Xavier Nady HR?

ADD THIS TO THE X-FILES. THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, AND SO IS THE BALL!

ECSTACY... FROM THE X-MAN!

LUCK BE A NADY TONIGHT!

Class? Ideas?

(I'm going on vacation. Back in a week... and by then, we better be in first.)

John Cry Falls Short: Is he hurt?

Not sure whether this baby is loading properly. It could be that the Redsock Nation is using some technological magic to jam our communications. You'll have to take our word for it: John hit a measily 6.41 seconds last night in his Win Warble.

Is he, like Matsui and Posada, delaying surgery to stick with the team?

Is he, like Johnny Damon, playing in pain?









Flypaper, Stories That Stick. Get it here Free!

World Court, Mitchell Commission, Supreme Court to Review Attack on Youk, Injustice to Lowell, Cruelty to Ellsbury


THE HAGUE _ World leaders convened a special summit early Saturday to discuss a series of horrorific crimes committed Friday against innocent Redsock players and fans, causing thousands to weep as they gamely sang the words to "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond.

Most inhumanly painful was the complete bastardization of justice that allowed little Mike Lowell to strike out on what Redsock Nation officials unanimously agreed was ball four, a pitch so dangerously inside that it could have wounded many bystanders. Across the country and throughout the globe, little children went to bed without supper, the ketsup having dried on their ceremonial socks, praying to the frozen head of Ted Williams, as they wondered for the first time why God had forsaken them... that is, if God exists.

As he hopped around, jackrabbiting his discontent and pogoing until he could pogo no more, Little Mike was beyond words. And who could blame him! He had been hideously denied a rightful base on balls, and the Redsock nation, its rightful victory.

"If we value our systems of law, this must not stand!" declared former U.S. Senator George Mitchell, whose investigation of New York baseball teams last year won praise from all corners of the Harvard Club. "It is time to re-establish the Mitchell Commission and re-investigate the Yankees. I'm not sure what they're up to, but my senatorial senate sense is tingling, and I know they're up to no good. If we can haul them into court and, say, break one of their personal trainers, get him to roll over, we can stop them."

Adding to Mitchell's ire was an uprovoked -- no, make that an unspeakably horrible and unprovoked -- attack on Major League Baseball's most beloved curmudgeon, Kevin "The Yook" Youkilis.

Mitchell and other Redsock team directors were at a complete loss to explain why such an ambassador of good will as "Yook" could be targeted for a frontal lobe beaning. He dismissed the notion that Yankee pitchers were throwing inside as a response to their own high numbers of hit batsmen in recent years.

"That's immaterial," Mitchell said. "It was a terror attack! It was a brazen attempt at assassination. It was -- oh, I'm so mad I could scream! I think I will scream. AGUUUG. Wait a minute. Are you taping this? GODDAMMIT, ABRAHAM, TURN THAT FUC-"

In other news, GOP Presidential hopeful John McCain again challenged Barack Obama to admit the Yankee surge has worked and the 2008 pennant race is over.
Obama, speaking from London, said it's July and too early to award the pennant, an assertion that McCain ridiculed.
Talking to reporters from a Pittsburgh deli, where he addressed a crowd of more than 20, McCain said Obama knows he is wrong, and the Yankees have won, but he's afraid to admit it, because it will make George W. Bush look good for having once being friends with Alex Rodriguez, until Madonna got to him.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Victory


CALL OUT: What Alphonso predicted on Opening Day

You can't hide from your past, Alph.

You posted this on opening day.

I'm in the camp that this Yankee team does not make the playoffs. Here are my worries:

1. The fact that Jason Giambi is our best option at first base is frightening. It puts a major point of weakness in our defense. He doesn't throw well. His fielding is slightly below average. His offense "upside" is unknown at this point, due to aging, performance fall-off and injuries of last three seasons.

2. Our outfield is shaky, too. Oddly enough, Abreu is likely the most solid guy at the moment. Melky has shown plenty of promise, but which way will he go as the league gets to know him better? We still see little power from him.

3. Damon and Matsui should be fine as interchangeable parts, but both have lost a step on defense.

4. Shelly Duncan as back-up to the other four outfielders provides; possibility of " hot streak" power if he plays a lot; marginal defensive speed and glove; excellent arm. However, how effective will he be playing sparingly?

5. Catching is fine as long as Jorge ducks the aging thing and injury thing for another season.

6. Infield is good. Wilson Betemit is a pretty decent back-up player.

7. The real worry is pitching:

A. We really don't have an ace.

B. Chin Ming has shown erratic performances, and one wonders how is head is dealing with post-season collapse.

C. Moose is bound to wear down as the season progresses. Andy is already wearing down.

D. Hughes is not impressing me as the next Roger Clemens. Not based on Spring training outings. He may become great. Or, he could be 9-10.

E. Kennedy can't seem to start a game without giving up a quick four runs. We know how that wears on a team.

F. Joba, let's face it, has not yet come close to pitching like he did last season with the Yankees. I think he had one quality outing.

G. Why did LaTroy Hawkins get an automatic seat on the bus? He always walks the first two batters he sees. Haven't we lived the last two seasons with bullpen guys who do exactly that?

H. Farnsworth will be no different than he was last year, despite the magical relationship Joe
G. purports to have with him.

I. The best reliever in Spring Training was this guy ( Patterson? ) who had never pitched above A ball, right? So he won't get a MLB job now.

J. There has only been inconsistency from Bruney, Henn, Vargas, Edwar, Olendorf, etc. Nothing to excite.

L. The Alan Horne and Jeff Marquez "cups of spring coffee" were pretty uneventful and unimpressive.

A Statistical Inquiry into the Possibiities of ARod Hitting in the Clutch, Based on Data from the 2008 Season

Wasted time this morning doing what I swore I'd never do...
.
Look up stats.
.
For the hell of it, here is what this season's statistical breakdown tells us about Arod:
.
HITTING WITH BASES LOADED: .200
.
SCORING POSITION, 2 OUT: .244
.
MAN ON SECOND: .172
.
FIRST AND SECOND: .167
.
SECOND AND THIRD: .200
.
CLOSE AND LATE: .225
.
SCORING POSITION: .247
.
NONE ON: .355
.
NONE ON, OUT: .273
.
NONE ON, 1/2 OUT: .419
.
FENWAY PARK: .154
.
3-1 COUNT: .833 (Note: this is not a typo.)
.
0-2 COUNT: .182
.
3-2 COUNT: .407
.
Great player. Hall of Famer. Handsome. Smart. More likeable than they give him credit. Not his fault if we lose.
.
But this is why we gulp when Arod comes up in the clutch.

Exclusive: Transcript of Yesterday's Yank Brass Meeting in Tampa

NOTE: Top Yank officials Thursday met behind closed doors in the Fortress of Tampa to discuss trades and acquisitions for the key stretch drive, which begins any day. At considerable expense, IIH, IIF, IIc has obtained a partial transcript of the session, recorded by a courageous operative who -- for obvious reasons of personal safety -- must remain nameless.

What you are about to read is the most detailed glimpse of the Yankee braintrust in recent memory. Text follows...



CASHMAN: ... that's right, two pepperoni with onion, one with everything, and garlic clumps. We were supposed to get three dozen garlic clumps.


HANK: He forgot the garlic clumps?

CASHMAN: We have the garlic clumps. It's $55.90. Anybody got money?

HANK: Uhhh, I'm tapped.


OLD MALE VOICE: You're always tapped.


HANK: Aww, pop.


CASHMAN: Look, wait a minute. I'll call Stick. He's always got money. OK, where were we? Barry Bonds.


OLD MAN VOICE: Sign him. I know his dad.


CASHMAN: Uhh, look, he's a left-handed DH. If we sign Bonds, that's three left-handed DHs, with Johnny and Jason, plus Hideki, if he comes back, so it just seems-


OLD MAN VOICE: Sign him. I know his dad.


CASHMAN: Ooooooo-kay. Umm, Hank?


HANK: Goob garlic clumps. Hal, you got money?


HAL: I'm tapped.

OLD MAN VOICE: Is Bobby Bonilla available?


CASHMAN: No. But you know who is? Jared Washburn! He's pitching well lately. He's costing Seattle $10 million. They want to cut him loose.


OLD MAN VOICE: Washburn. Is he Ray Washburn's boy?


HANK: Would they really take Igawa?


LOUD BEEPING SOUND.


HAL: Hank, what have you done! We're not supposed to say that name! He's going into cardiac arrest! DAD, DAD, DAD!


CASHMAN: CALL A DOCTOR, CALL NINE ONE ONE!


HANK: Pizza Guy, we need to use your pizzamobile to get a doctor. Pop, pop, please, I didn't mean it! I was kidding!

BEEPING SOUND STOPS.

CASHMAN: He's coming around! Thank God. I think he's OK.


HANK: Pop, pop, calm down.

HAL: I think he's OK.


HANK: OK, look, Pizza Man. What you've seen here... wait a minute. You're not the pizza man. You're recording this! Take off that fake beard! ABRAHAM, YOU SONOVABICH! TURN THAT OFF! DAMMIT. YOU'RE WORSE THAN IGAWA! I MEAN, NOOOOOOO-

LOUD BEEPING SOUND RESUMES. (END OF TAPE.)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Lawn Ornament Mystery Overshadows Yank-Redsock Series

This is big.


Hats off to Mick the Quick


Weanie Columnist Cullen Appeals to RageSocks Nation: Stop sucking Yanks

Kevin Cullen, the Boston Globe's resident "Oh, dear!" has troweled up a piddlyanty, whitebread plea to the FratBoy Nation, asking it not to chant "Yangeez suck" this weekend.


Writes Beantown's new Miss Manners...



Shouting "Yankees suck" at Fenway Park today is like yelling "No
Taxation Without Representation!" at Faneuil Hall.



Good luck, Mahatma.


You might as well be telling those ginned-up, mini-Johnsoned dorklets not to breathe.



Fish gotta swim,
Birds gotta fly
Redsock gotta yell
"Die, Yankee, die!"


This is part of an ongoing peace offensive by Redsock Limbaughs to suddenly, now that they're World Champs, end the war. Sorry, pal. The Redsocks Jimmy Funded their way into our vault, stole our treasured icons, and hung them like bloody sheets in their cathouse bars; they've spent the better part of four generations in the Redsock madrassas, inventing slurs about Bucky Dent, screaming slogans about Reggie Jackson, tearing down whatever memories they once had of Roger Clemens and Wade Boggs, and now they want everybody to forget?


Good luck, Mahatma.

We will not forget...

WHY WE FIGHT.

Red Sox complicity in U.S. torture flights


They feed their own fans prison food


They're worse racists than Joe Torre

Mientkiewicz

Their groundskeepers

Sheff

Varitek kept his mask on

Schilling put ketchup on his sock and told us it was blood

YELL ALL YOU WANT, REDSOCK FANS.

YOU'LL SIMPLY INSPIRE JOHN STERLING TO AN 8-SECOND WIN WARBLE!

Instead of surgery, Posada to take ginkgo biloba


NEW YORK _ Ailing Yank catcher Jorge Posada will forego shoulder surgery for now in order to try alternative cures, including St. John's Wort, royal jelly, leeches and extract from the wonder plant, ginkgo biloba.

Posada is currently staying in a secret pyramid, which focuses thought rays through cured beefstake on his troubled labium.

After discussions with his doctor (pictured, above), Posada will forego aroma therapy, as an unproven method.

"Throughout the month of May, we had plenty of aroma," Yank son owner Hank Steinbrenner told reporters. "Hell, if this were last year, we'd send him to Andy Pettitte's dad. These days, he's off the grid, so we're going for scientifically proven miracle cures. And I'll tell you, there is good stuff out there. I'm using that FlowMax, and it's made me a new man. You should see my stream. I can hit the bowl from the free throw line. I tell you, Giambi can't even write his name in a snowbank, and I could deliver the Gettysburg Address. It's given me a new lease on life and, what the? Abraham, are you taping this? Jesus Christ, turn that goddam thin-"

Talks with healer/evangelist Pat Robertson ended Wednesday, when the Reverend announced that he would not say the word "labium" in prayers, because it sounded dirty, and he didn't want God to be embarrassed.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Redsocks Leadership Cadre: People of Guam Need Not Apply


To real Americans, Guam is "Where America's Day Begins".

Not so in Redsocks Nation -- where their latest political ploy, the RSN Governor Contest, appears to be shutting out the good people of Guam, American Samoa, and the U.S. Virgin Islands.

When they say Larry Lucchino will personally sign a Certificate of Governorship for each winner, I wonder if that means he'll really sign, or if he's got a Rumsfeld-approved autopen?


BREAKING: Dave Eiland to Return for Old-Timers Day!


NEW YORK _ Ex-Yank legend Dave Eiland has confirmed that he will return Aug. 2 to Yankee Stadium, the birthplace of his pitching career!

The team today announced the biggest "GET" yet for the Old-Timers Day event, with Eiland, currently Yankee pitching coach, giving the "thumbs up" for what promises to be an emotion-laden return home.

It will be the first time Eiland has set foot in Yankee Stadium since July 23, 2008, when he sat in the dugout with manager Joe Girardi.

"It's going to be an incredible moment, seeing Dave again," Yankee son owner Hank Steinbrenner told reporters. "Just like old times. Get it? Old timers day, old times? Anyways, I still remember that game when he pitched for the Yankees. It was really something. Really, really something. I don't remember much about it, but I remember him being really something. Dave Eiland, right? Wait. Are you recording this? I didn't say you could record this. Goddammit, Abraham, turn that fucki-"

Eiland pitched in 32 games for the Yankees between 1988 and 1991 and made a name for himself as one of great anchors of the Columbus Clippers pitching rotation.

In his 10-year major league career, he won 12 games with an ERA well below 6.00!

Welcome back, Dave!

What Should Brett Gardner Do After Baseball?


I think the results are pretty much in on this speed burner.

He is an automatic double if he ever gets on first. The big problem: making contact at all and, when so doing, muscling the ball beyond the infield dirt.

So far, as he approaches 100 at bats, Brett is blasting out singles at the rate of .170. Anyone still believe he is a .290 hitter on the cusp of " breaking out?"

The Yankee brasses are currently meeting in Tampa to decide who to give up for Jason Bay or Xavier Nady. Personally, I hope they don't mess with the team.

I hope Brett remains and proves me wrong. I hope he becomes a Hall of Fame candidate and MVP. I hope Madonna wants him.

But his time in pinstripes is wearing thinner than his "interstate" batting average. With two catchers who hit in the .230 range. and Melky not hitting much better than that, and Sexton mired at .220, and Gumby hitting for power only, the Yankees simply cannot compete with a left fielder hitting .170 off of infield bleeders.

And when Brett gets sent down with a .170 stick, he will not be coming back.

So, it is time to seek out some real world opportunities for this gritty speedster: becoming a mortgage broker has lost some of its luster; investment banking bonuses are way off; and it is a bit late for medical school.

So, I was thinking.....a frozen popcorn ball franchise back in South Carolina could be the ticket. He could assist the coaches at the College of Charleston, where he excelled on the diamond, and push the frozen sweet things in his spare time.

" Gardner's Frozen Sweeties " ...all dyed blue with the interlocking NY...$2 per pop.
Anybody out there got a better idea?


"But I thought you said that being in one of my videos would be cool ..."

A Brit tabloid says that there is a sex tape of AROD and Madonna.

If it's true that AROD plays well when there are distractions, he could be heading for another MVP season.

Yanks to Welcome Madonna to Old-Timers Game

NEW YORK _ One of the greats of baseball's dead ball era, Madonna, will be welcomed to the final Old-Timers Day Game at Yankee Stadium, Aug. 2, the team announced Tuesday.


According to plans released by the Yankees, the 50something former popstar/actress and author of childrens books will be brought forth between Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, and it will be her first time in that position.

Following a brief plate appearance, Madonna will run the bases, perform squat thrusts with Sir Sidney Ponson to the song "Papa Don't Preach," then showcase her strength and conditioning by bench pressing Yogi Berra 50 times.

"We are excited about welcoming Dame Madonna, the First Lady of Pinstripes," Yank owner son Hank Steinbrenner announced Tuesday. "She brings to Old-Timers Day the kind of aura and mystique that the guys love. Frankly, if not for her, we couldn't have lured Rickie Henderson back. She was the inspiration for his Snatch grab. Actually, I don't know about that. I'm just figuring that when she sees me, who knows, maybe she'll throw me in the sack. I hope she wears the metal bra thing. Can you smoke in Kaballah? Don't quote me, Abraham. Wait. You're recording this? Damn it. Turn that off you sonova-"

Following the game, Madonna's performance Teddy will be formally retired in special ceremonies at Monument Park.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Letter to the Editor


In today's Bradenton Herald...


To the Editor

It happened in 2003, but I can still see that little old lady's face as she sat there in Yankee Stadium with tears in her eyes after the Florida Marlins had won the World Series. She asked, "Who are they? Where did they come from?"

The Yankees had individual players who had salaries, in many ways, equal to the entire Florida Marlins' pay roll. So then, if baseball champions were about money, the Yankees would never lose. If it was based on organization, the L.A. Dodges would never lose. If it was just about putting the best players on the field, there would be no need to play! It is a team sport, which means that just being good enough is not always good enough. A winner is the one with "oomph."

Oomph is that internal force that pushes the individual beyond the outer limits of self. It is the the extra steps, the longer stretch that says oomph. It is the throw or that swing in the clutch that says oomph.


Oomph is the maker of a winner. It is where ability is coupled with desire and determination. It allows the individual to reach beyond self. It is where all forces converge in that split second to make a winner. If you do not believe me, ask the Williams (Venus and Serena) sisters. Oomph!

The Tampa Bay Rays are existing on the cutting edge of being a winner but ran out of oomph during their losing streak. The baseball season is lengthy as they travel form town to town, state to state. It is not always the measure of the best but the matter of endurance and peaking at the right time. "Oomph."


Rev. Thomas J. Spikes
Palmetto

BULLETIN!


General Manager Brian Cashman said Carl Pavano was getting close to starting a rehabilitation assignment as he tries to come back from reconstructive elbow surgery.

Yank Woes Go on: Madonna to Join Jorge, Godzilla, on DL

Could be out for Season

Brian Cashman will be beating the bushes to sign a new celebrity distraction, following revelations Monday that popstar Madonna may undergo knee surgery and be lost until 2009.

"We understand that she wants to play in pain, but it might be better for her to simply rest six months and come back strong in spring training," Yankee manager Joe Girardi said. "When she's on her game -- I mean, really on her game -- she could go through not only ARod, but our entire team. She can pitch. She can catch. She can play every position. That's the kind of production you expect of a superstar like Madonna. But to watch her gimping around the clubhouse, trying seduce Joba in that Hoverfun motorized wheelchair, well, it's just too tough."

Cashman is looking at signing several potential replacement distractions for this year's pennant drive. Paris Hilton is always on the market, and several top genetic research facilities located in Aruba have suggested that she be cross-pollinated with Sir Sidney Ponson. The resulting strain, Sir Paris Ponson, could raise partying to levels not yet achieved by the human species.

Other possible free agent distraction pickups include Britney Spears, Mary Cheney and Mike Piazza.

"It's going to be tough without Madonna," Cashman said. "We're playing our hearts out, bidding farewell to a majestic old ball field. Not only that, but it's the last year of Yankee Stadium, too."

Crews Halt Construction of Jacoby Ellsbury Wing at Cooperstown


Cooperstown _ Contractors temporarily halted work on the $350 million Jacoby Ellsbury Hall of Fame Center Tuesday after a delegation of business leaders from Pawtucket made a bid for the all-time potential superstar's future legacy.
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The group from Pawtucket wants to build a 390-foot replica of the famous Ellsbury Tire Workout (pictured above), a sculpture that will house the Jacoby Ellsbury-Goodyear Radials Library and 'Coby Beef Disco Lounge.
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Cooperstown officials vowed to return to work, saying the cramped Major League Baseball Hall of Fame museum will need extra space to handle the rightful tributes to the future Redsock superstar. But they acknowledged that the project might not need to be completed by October.
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Over his last 7 games, 'Coby is 2 for 17 with 5 strikeouts and no stolen bases, prompting the Boston Globe to describe "an alarming decline" in his production. In the last 26 games he has 22 strikeouts in 119 at-bats. He is batting .262.
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The two sites are competing for the chance to decaptiate Ellsbury and freeze his head for future generations.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Kicking Minnesota Butt, but the Win Warble Will Likely Suffer

OK, I hate to pee on this raging campfire of a good time. And it's always great fun, merciliessly drilling a team in front of the home town homeys.

And let's face it, there's nothing worse than ruining a good 11-3 lead by having a Yankee fail to deliver in the clutch -- and make it 13-3, 14-3, or even 19-3.

But we are not going to coax a record, 8.00-second Win Warble.

This is not the kind of victory that conjures a memorable Sterling Hurling.

Not trying to be a pill here. Just telling the truth.

Superman At The Bat



That's Kirk Alyn, the movies' first Superman.

Pete Abe Quote of the Day


"Bobby Meacham gets more guys thrown out than a doorman at a frat party."

Yankeetorial: No More Wastin' Away in Tommy Lasordaville

John “D’backs” McCain and Rudy Redsock toured the Stadium yesterday.

Woopie.


Count the silverware.

With fans like them, who needs wins?

Or have we forgotten 2001, when D’backs celebrated our World Series demise by climbing onto the shoulders of his spider woman megawife to wave his Bic lighter in the air.

Or last fall, after Rudy sniffed voter poon on the wind and abruptly announced he was rooting for Boston. Hell, any day now, he might throw in with the Taliban.

Celebrities…

Listen:

There are muthefukkin snakes on this muthefukkin Yankee plane.

If there’s a movie out, if there’s a new Fox reality show, if there’s a political campaign, we get the bastards shoved down our throats. Who can forget seeing the Skeletor-like presence of Ali McBeal – Calista Somethingorther, in her pre-Harrison Ford incarnation – gulping down a cheeseburger on cue, perhaps to refute tabloid accounts that she was down to 43 pounds and thin enough to walk through prison bars. Or Sir Paul McCartney – yeah, he’s gotta be a big Yankee fan – who blurbed Bernie Williams CD with the statement that Bernie had hit a “home run.” Creative, eh?

And let’s not even mention Hillary. It hurts too much.

We are supposed to believe that the constant presence of celebrities validates our passion. We see Vanna White or Bert Convey, and we’re supposed to think, “Hey, I’m special.”

Yeah, right. These ginned-up fame vipers preen and touch everything for the sheer opportunity to drink Yankee blood and soak up our souls. Then they go home and vomit money into the coffers of our enemies.

Tommy Lasorda spent more time sucking up to Hollywood stars than studying his bullpen.

Sucking up to actors: Is that how you win the pennant?

We should declare a moratorium on celebrities “touring” Yankee Stadium for its final days. Once, not long ago, when D'Backs was rooting for Curt and Randy, emergency and rescue teams at Ground Zero got so sick of "visiting" celebrities that they simply put an end to it.

We have enough distractions.

No more celebrities.

And Madonna, that means you.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

A fine Yankee fan


... and a real space man.

And Murcer's buddy.

Cool story, too.



Another One of Those 2 Run Yankee Blasts

Joe Girardi and Mariano have proven to be the perfect pair.


5 times in a row, the manager has brought in Mariano , at home, in the ninth inning of a tie game and 5 times in a row MO has given up an earned run ( the only ones all year ), and 5 times the Yankees have lost.

Yes, the Yanks were 2-14 with men in scorning position today; yes, A-Rod K'd 3 times when a home run would have mattered; yes, Joba pitched well but got no decision; yes, the Yankee rookies went hitless; got picked off; fell down on the basepaths  and proved that " the prospect well is dry."

If that Christian had not flubbed and sputtered, had done the one job he is capable of doing ( steal a base ), at least we would have tied the game on Cano's double.

This was another one of those games where the Yankees get two runs early, and then everyone goes home.  You just knew that we were going to lose, and in this precise scenario.  Horrible work with RISP's, brining in MO at the wrong time; failing to do anything right.

Joe is reminding me more and more of George Bush...keep doing the exact same thing( that never works), and expecting a different outcome.  Isn't that the definition of insanity?

Joe goes by the book in ninth inning ties every time, and loses every time.  Very inventive.

Anyone who thinks this Yankee team is still in the race is deluding themselves.


Friday, July 18, 2008

Morrissey Song Predicted Yanks-Sexson Deal

Morrissey and Alan White wrote it.

Morrissey and Nancy Sinatra released it, separately, in 2004.

In 2008, Richie Sexson could rightfully sing the beautiful Let Me Kiss You to the front office of his newest team -- if he could only risk exposing his tragic heart. Which he can't, of course. He's a jock.

Read the stunningly precognitive lyrics, play the video, feel the pain of the Yankees' newest DH/1B.

There's a place in the sun
For anyone who has the will to chase one. And I
I think I've found mine
Yes, I do believe I have found mine

So, close your eyes
And think of someone you physically admire
And let me kiss you
Let me kiss you

I've zig-zagged all over America
And I cannot find a safety heaven
Say, would you let me cry on your shoulder
I've heard that you'll try anything twice

So, close your eyes
And think of someone you physically admire
And let me kiss you
Let me kiss you

But then you open your eyes
And you see someone that you physically despise
But my heart is open
My heart, it is open to you.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Headed Down The S-Hole


I swore to everyone in Seattle that The New, Rebuilding Yankees weren't stupid enough to sign Richie Sexson. Now I'm the one who looks stupid.

To give you some idea: there's a bar here called Norm's that offered a drink special called Cheap Sexs On Mondays, pricing bottles of Bud and Bud Light according to Richie's BA. When he was hitting, say, .214, a beer was $2.14.

Week in and week out for 14 months, it was some of the cheapest beer in town.

Yankeetorial: We’re Headed down the A-Hole

The NY Post says Mrs. A-Rod’s legal SWAT team wants all electronic surveillance that No. 13 commissioned on what may be the only woman he ever bagged who hasn’t stripped professionally. Electronic surveillance? Well, isn’t that an A-bomb from A-Rod!

Must be tape of his 500th, right?

Or are we talking about the kind of things that Mini-Me is selling to pay the mortgage these days.

Folks, we are about to experience death by a thousand cuts.

Forget the American League East. The pitchers have reached a great equilibrium with A-Rod. He beats the hell out of them when it doesn’t matter, and they get him when it does. He’s a great player. He earns his money. Future hall of famer. But he has learned – unfortunately – that the more times you strike out with the bases loaded, the less each one hurts individually. So he walks back to the dugout without throwing his bat. That’s good.

But nobody walks back to the dugout after a messy divorce. Not even the greatest hitter in the game. And this is going to get sooooooo messy. This is the full-employment act for headline writers: Every road trip to LA will have some starlet on A-Rod’s list. Every night on the town will have some camera crew watching him.

He is about to become the Lindsay Lohan of baseball.

And every time he bags another ugly back page, it’ll just hurt less and less.

Maybe he already doesn’t feel them.

Jon Papelbon went crazy about his tabloid treatment.

For A-Rod, it would have been just a normal Tuesday.

And here’s where we come in: This is all going to blowback on this team.

Talk about distractions? We might as well play the Tigers with real tigers on the field. News is like water. It always finds the lowest level.

This is not going to stop.

I can’t shake the feeling that this is the year we have long dreaded. The A-Hole is sucking us down.

All-Star Advice for Bud

OK Bud, saw you sweating at the ASG when it got to be about 3 a.m. and Clint Hurdle was warming up to pitch. Well, I'll do you a favor. I'll solve your All-Star woes in two steps.

1. Have an 8-man "supplemental roster" - 5 pitchers, 3 position players (1 a catcher) - for each team. These players become available for the manager to use once the game goes into extra innings. No more "Can Lidge pitch a sixth inning?" worries.

2. For God's sake, get rid of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. They're embarrassing. (Personally, I like the suggestion in one of the comments below - Alphonso and Peter Abraham. Anything but Buck and McCarver).

You're welcome.

Alphonso's All-Star Game Photo Gallery

Alphonso stumbled into the IIH, IIF, IIc newsroom this morning carrying a flash disk containing his report from the All-Star Game.
video

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Joe Buck Interviews Yankee Stadium

Buck: Joining us now is an all-time great, Yankee Stadium, and I must say that it’s truly an honor to have you here. Great game last night. How are you feeling?

Stadium: My pipes hurt. Pretty stopped up. You go 15 innings, and you can’t believe what gets flushed down the toilets. At my age, it’s like kidney stones. I’m still trying to pass a 7th inning load of nachos from the Tampa Bay series. But hell, I’ll fight through it.

Buck: That's great. We're with Yankee Stadium, and it's such an honor. And it must have been a thrill to host all those great stars, eh?

Stadium: Stars? I never heard of half the players on the National League team. If Shepard had been there, he’d have needed a phonetic guide. Some guy made three errors in one game. An all-star makes three errors in one game. Can you imagine that? I thought I was having Bobby Meachem flashbacks.

Buck: That's great. In case you just joined us, we're here in the both with none other than Yankee Stadium. And the Hall of Famers – Whitey, Yogi, Reggie – it must have been great to see them?

Stadium: Truth be told, when I see them, I feel really old. I mean, when did Willie McCovey need a wheelchair?

Buck: Greats of the game. Truly great. So you must be looking forward to retirement?

Stadium: Yeah. Ask Brett Favre how he feels. You know, if I thought I couldn’t bring it – if I thought I couldn’t still host a big game, I’d have quit long ago. But, hey, they’re spending a lot of money on this new park. Somebody made a decision that newer is better. They trot out the old-timers whenever things get bad, whenever they need a jolt of legitimacy. But when it's you or a luxury box, guess which way they go. Aww, hell, that’s baseball.

Buck: Heh-heh. Well, it's hard to imagine you ever slowing down. We're here with Yankee Stadium, and it is such and honor. And something tells me you’ll have a lot of great moments ahead of you in the golden years.

Stadium: What the fuck? Are you kidding? The way things are going, I’ll end up in Dubai. My final full house will probably be a crowd watching some prince chop off his ex-wife’s hands. They're going to tear me apart and sell me to the highest bidder.

Buck: Whatever your future, it's been great. And you have be feeling good today!

Stadium: Oh, I get it. This is your gong question. You invited me here and haven’t heard a word I said, and the last thing you wanted was an honest answer. Just kill a few minutes, and make it sound like everything is great, and maybe a few people will actually believe it. I’m supposed to go out peacefully, as if it were my idea – instead of a bunch of pompous billionaires and politicians – I’m supposed to bend over and take it. Well, you know what? I don’t mind the stopped up pipes from nachos. What stops me up is all the money they flush down the toilets. That’s what – hey – get your hands off me. I’ve still got his microphone and it’s ti-

The Great Bore Is Over

ALL STAR GAME ENDS AT 2:00 AM.

The night out for the over priviledged has finally come to an end. All the movie stars, starlet wanna-bees, and babes on the prowl are back in their nests, after the fashion parade last night at the Stadium.

Jonothon Popelebom's irreverant and amateurish antics are packed, and back on the plane. The MVP trophy is on the same plane, which is clear evidence that this country is bordering on collapse.

So now, finally, we get to look forward to the real season.

As a kick-off to the second half, I have to share with you an email I received from Alphonso who is ( apparently ) attempting to freeze tequila-based popcorn balls down at his Southern Mexico Independent Dirt Field League bar hangout.

" Hey Duque, Hey Bernie, Hey Wailen, Hey Crazy Tom, Hey Moose ..Hey everyone....I have another idea for a wager:

1. Neither Hughes nor Kennedy will have a Yankee win by the end of September.

2. Barry Bonds, Eric Milton, and that 6 foot 8 inch .218 hitter will all be in pinstripes by the end of this season. The newly slim Barry will play for Derek when our SS needs a rest; Eric will fill in for Joba, who will be back in his 8th inning role after pitching seven more starts (3 runs; 7 K's; 1 walk; 6+inning games) and earning zero additional wins; and Richie Sexton ( are you listening Madonna?) will DH and play power forward for the Knicks.

3. Jose Tabata will be on the DL for Scranton before July is finished. While out of uniform, he'll open a "White Castle" franchise next to the Dunder-Miflin plant and get richer..and heavier...and slower. He will, however, gain arm strength flippin sliders.

4. Action Jackson, Alan Horne, Dellin Bettances , Mitch Helligoss, and Jose Melancon will be offered in a package for anyone in the Phillies' farm system.

5. Chad Moeller will be our everyday catcher by September.

Alphosno is looking for odds on any individual bet or the the quintrifecta listed above.

Highlights from Pete Abraham's live ASG blog

Peter Abraham, writer of the fine LoHud Yankee Blog, live-blogged the game last night. Some highlights from Pete:

8:17 p.m.: Wade Boggs’ hair looks great.

8:30: Sheryl Crow has it going on. Bad job by Lance Armstrong. Whatever Olson twin he’s with isn’t half as hot.

8:59 p.m.: And A-Rod fouls out with a runner on second. The All-Star Game, it’s just like the season!

9:58 p.m.: It’s nearly 10 p.m. and we’re in the fifth inning. Fox Sports, ruining baseball for generations to come.

11:03 p.m.: That’s right, Jonathan, you deserved to close.

12:08 a.m.: The AL is 2 for 16 with runners in scoring position. Joe Girardi must have held a team meeting before the game.

12:18 a.m.: Bud Selig is working the phone, trying to get Brett Gardner, Justin Christian, Edwar Ramirez and Jose Veras to rush to the Stadium. Two of them will play for the NL and two for the AL. The plan is for Brett to lean into a pitch in the 14th, steal second and third then will himself invisible and steal home.

12:22 a.m.: This is brutal. Just end it.

12:43 a.m.: Gary Carter has asked to manage the NL team the rest of the way.

12:45 a.m.: The press room has taken on the atmosphere of a hostage situation. Peter Gammons is banging on the wall with a tin cup.

12:59 a.m.: The press room inmates have now divided up into gangs. I’m with the Crips. We’ll be fighting the Bloods any minute now.

1:13 a.m.: Jeter is signing autographs for fans behind the dugout. A-Rod just landed in Miami with Cyndi Lauper and Katrina from Katrina and the Waves.

1:01 a.m.: Dan Uggla could be the first player DFA’d during an All-Star Game.

1:36 a.m.: The new Stadium just got finished, by the way. They’re playing the 17th inning there.

1:37 a.m.: Woo woo! The game is over. Home field advantage for the AL and it only took four hours and 50 minutes. ... Go to bed, I’m done blogging unless Jeter and Mo get into a knife fight in the clubhouse.

Has Joe Buck shut up yet?


Like a bad Top 40 dj, this guy cannot abide silence. Would have been nice if he'd have allowed a little bit of quiet or crowd noise while Big Stein entered the filed — even for just a few seconds. But no; this hair-plug infested fool just had to "fill." (And Davey Johnson's old buddy, McCarver, is looking more and more like an aging Howdy Doody, isn't he?)

A few surprises, though: Who knew Ralph Kiner was still alive? I thought he died and his ashes were on a shelf at the Willet's Point branch of Ray's Pizza. And Yogi still made sense... every third or fourth sentence. Good to see Goose hasn't mellowed out at all. And how about that Papelbon?

And I don't blame Willie Mays for being pissed off. I can't stand white people either... and I'm white!

Great to have the game end at five in the morning (or whatever), too. Way to go, Fox!

Yankweh, the God of Yankees, Is Playing with Our Dreams


Does Yankweh, the God of Yankeedom, hear our prayers?

Goddammit, He doth!

Here's proof: The Gammonites now say we might add the mighty Barry Bonds to our already Hummerlike-efficient DH rotation!

Barry -- 40something, 240something and presumably free of additives -- can buttress our DH starters while we wait for Hideki to rehab his knee, Shelley to re-conquer Scranton, Damon to heal his shoulder, and Jesus Montero to learn algebra.

This could cometh on the heels of landing power forward Richie Sexon -- currently the largest DH trout flippering around, unhooked, in the free-agent lagoon.

If we sign Richie and Barry -- I know, I know, it's speculation, but what joy doth life bring if we cannot fantasize! -- here is our NEWLY REVISED PLAYOFF DH ROTATION.
(In other words, forget the previous posting. That was written by a doubter. That doubter no longer exists. I AM A TRANSFORMED BLOGGER. I HAVE SEEN THE EYE OF YANKWEH.)

PLAYOFF ROTATION:

Game One: Giambi.
Game Two: Bonds.
Game Three: Posada.
Game Four (if necessary): Sexon.
Game Five (hard to believe it could be necessary, but just in case:) Damon.

We shall presenteth the greatest Yankee rotation since the powerhouse 1980s, when we trotted out Ron Kittle, John Mayberry, Ron Hassey, Danny Tartabull, Mel Hall, et al.
Imagine: A lineup where every player is a designated hitter!

Wait a minute. What am I saying. This is FAR GREATER than the 1980s. Because right now, we're knee deep in the 08 Wild Card Derby. Think about it: How many teams can add a future State of California Correctional System Hall of Famer to their lineup? Only one.

Yankweh, You rocketh.
Wait a minute... Rocketh? Rocket? ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Sign Sexon Now!

The old rule -- that baseball is 90 percent DHing -- has never been more meaningful than today.

According to the rumor mill, we have a shot at signing Richie Sexon (of the .218 batting average), and we should do it -- now -- before we change our mind.

Think of our DH rotation for the playoffs.

Game One: Giambi.
Game Two: Sexon.
Game Three: Posada.
Game Four (if necessary): Matsui (if available)
Game Five (in necessary): Giambi on four days rest!

Match THAT, Tampa Bay.

Papelbomb Should Close the Game

Jon Papelbon says he, not Mariano Rivera, should close the All-Star Game.

We're good with that.

First, it would give the home crowd something to cheer: Every walk, every base hit, every long at bat, every run.

Aside from a Yank victory, there may be nothing sweeter in the universe than watching Papelbon blow a save.

It's wonderful. You see the eyes bug out from the visor, while he huff the cheeks, trying to scare the batter. And then, poof, he's backing up third, windmilling his arm, pissed because they ruined his night.

Here's a dirty little truth about tonight's game: Nobody cares. Not the players. Not the TV viewers. Nobody.

I'm happy that Mike Mussina got snubbed for the team. Maybe it'll re-ignite the fire in him. I'm delighted to think Jason Giambi can't look back on this season and view it a success simply because he made the All-Star team. It's been shitty -- Andy Pettitte is right -- and I don't want anybody thinking otherwise.

If Papelbon wants to pitch in Yankee Stadium with the game on the line, let him.

Either way, we win:

If he holds, the AL wins.

And if he fails... ahhhhhhhhhahahaha. Delicious.

Bring him in, Terry Francona. Let him pitch.
If Joe Girardi can't kick this team in the pants, maybe it's up to you.

Beyond the HR Derby: New Contests to Boost the All-Star Event



ARod is right. The Home Run Derby sucks. When they’re blathering about the drama of somebody breaking Bobby Abreu’s home run record, you gottta wonder if there isn’t something better on Spice Channel. MLB should hold new All-Star contests, the kind that won’t wreck Arod’s swing.
Fun stuff, like this:

THE MLB-MRS. SMITH'S PIE-EATING CONTEST.

Avengers, Assemble! It’s hard to imagine Jason Giambi declining an invitation to this. Blueberry, banana cream, apple – call your shot, Big Papi! Will Youk puke? Hey, it won’t be blood on Curt Schilling’s sock when he crumples that last empty pie tin. It’ll be cherry filling!

ALL-STAR TWISTER

Think of the final battle: The Big Unit, 6’11” Randy Johnson, squaring off against 6’8” Richie Sexon on a board that stretches from first to third base. Tim McCarver can call the colors: ‘BLUE! YELLOW! RED!’ Our sleeper pick: Milton Bradley.

TUG O' WAR

The AL and NL face off in the time-honored and truest contest of strength and will. Imagine that AL line-up, anchored by Sir Sidney Ponson, shouting “Heave!” in a setting that doesn’t include a liquor bottle! If he goes into the trench, he'll never come out!

EGG AND SPOON RACE

Fans and players will love this good-natured competition, which requires speed and agility. The Tampa Bay Rays should excel, since most of the team last ran this in Cub Scouts only five years ago. Yokes flying? Aww, that's just Manny being Manny!

MLB ALL-STAR WIVES/GIRLFRIENDS STRIP POKER

Send Bud Selig to bed early and give something to the discerning, after-hours ball-fan. What the hell. They don't start World Series games until 8:35 p.m. on the East Coast, so it's a little late to be worrying about kids. It'll be an instant midsummer classic. Arod can supply the entire AL squad, and it won’t mess up his “swing.” Get it? That’s a joke. Swinnnng, battah!

Other possibilities:

Ring toss. Capture the Flag. Team Trivia. Donkey Basketball. Beer Pong.
Maybe Bobby Abreu has another record inside him!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Moose Writes, Draws Graphic Novel for Kids


The true Moose.


The only Moose.


Our Moose.

Frozen Popcorn Balls


I was doing a little thinking after Yesterday's near shut-out of the Yankees. Many of you know, this is not an easy thing for me to do.

Per usual, my mind drifted to food metaphors....I thought I had a good one for the Yanks/Toronto series recap:

" Yanks deal OREO in Toronto."

Here's how it almost worked;

O = number of runs Yanks scored in opener of series in Toronto.

R = they actually did score runs in game two. R is for runs.

E = they made a lot of errors during the three game set in Canada.

O = the number of runs the Yankees generated ( through 8 innings ) in game three. If Jason had not chosen to pad his numbers with a meaningless, A-Rod like solo HR in the 9th, I would have had it just right.

So, I'm thinking of a new kind of treat to describe this team's immediate future.....and, of course, the frozen popcorn ball came to mind.

We have lots of players in the organization who represent "kernels" of potential. But most of them have already "popped" ( or shown us what they have ) in their minor league settings, and are as good as they are ever going to be. One player is pretty much indistinguishable from the next, with most, for example, featuring BA's in the .140 - .243 range.

They tend to be old for minor leaguers, and not that well suited to the positions they are assigned to play. The pitchers are all recovering from surgery or will soon be injured in some fashion.

Since none of these players are "hot " ( e.g. did you read today's write ups on Jesus and our AA shortstop, who played for the World Team the other day ? ), and none of them will be "flashing" anytime soon, it seemed a natural to describe them as " frozen" in their mediocrity.

Just as a test to confirm or deny my own sense of our developing players, I did a search of minor league baseball team fantasy league rosters, and not one Yankee prospect is on one fantasy team in any of the leagues headquartered on the eastern seaboard.

The future of the Yankees, in terms of our own sytem's productivity, appears pretty bleak. Kind of like we are about to face our own ice age of below .500 seasons.

So, as a special reminder to our readers that while the Yankee's future is bleak it can simultaneously be sweet, I asked Richard Blais, a former " top chef " contestant, to create frozen popcornballs and give out free samples from Garrett's Popcorn Shops, 560 Fifth Avenue ( 46 st ) on July 15th, 16, and 17th.

IIH, IIF, IIc readers may taste the future between 11:30 am and 2:30pm.
Robbie Cano and his friend Melky will be signing the frozen treats and talking about their .243 averages.


ARod scouting Madonny Baseball's Neighborhood?


Hey, he could stop by to borrow a cup of sugar!

The NY Post probably has 10 reporters on this front. Here's what they've got:

Before Hurricane Cyndi hit port two weeks ago, Arod was flushing the johns on the possibility of moving to 15 Central Park West, just two blocks from Madonna's one-room, cockroach-infested, unfurnished flophouse, where she lives in a maze of garbage with her dead sister and 70 cats. (Pictured at right.)

Supposedly, he's looked at a four-bedroom duplex apartment, which is unofficially on the market for $90 million.

That's sad. In that town, $90 million won't get you hot-and-cold running water and a still warm pizza delivery. But at least he can practice that perfect swing -- which didn't get ruined by the Home Run Derby -- by hitting dead rat fungos off the roof.

Vai Sikahema does what ARod and Clemens want to do ...

Jose Canseco started his boxing career over the weekend.

Canseco took on Vai Sikahema, the former NFL kick returner. Sikahema gave away 7 inches in height and about 50 or so pounds to Canseco.

I'm not sure if Canseco realized that Vai had a strong background in amateur boxing. If not, rest assured that Jose is well aware of that fact now.

In what is sure to be one of our most popular links, click here to see Jose get his ass kicked.

FUN FACTS ABOUT AROD’S LADIES!

Arod's Wife Cyndi is a psychologist!

When Cyndi recently flew to see Lenny Kravitz in Paris, she left their two kids with the nanny!

Cyndi, who denies having an affair with Lenny, traveled with her personal trainer!

Boston stripper Candace Houlihan bedded Arod during the 2004 Championship Series, while his team was losing four straight!

Candace found out later, to her shock, that Cyndi was pregnant!

Jose Canseco’s ex-wife Jessica, a target of Arod’s affections, once dueled Debbie Clemens in a tit contest!

Arod’s friend Madonna gave up a big Pepsi endorsement so she could do important videos with black lace, stigmata and burning crosses!

In concert, Madonna sometimes simulates masturbation while being caressed by male dancers!

Madonna once wowed Puerto Ricans by rubbing their flag between her legs!

High school classmates in Cedar Rapids remember Joslyn Noel Morse as a popular girl!

Shortly after high school, Joslyn took up stripping!

That's how she met Arod!

Arod pal Alicia Marie has recently dated ex-Braves pitcher John Rocker, most remembered these days for his ugly racial slurs!

She’s black!

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Yankee Sickening Defeat Number 44 Quiz

1. The Yanks couldn't hit AJ Burnett today even though...
a) He was pitching on three days rest.
b) Going into the game, his ERA was over 5.00.
c) He was calling out pitches before throwing them.
d) He threw with his left-hand.

2. Jorge Posada...
a) Hit into another double play.
b) Gave up two stolen bases, including one to Kevin Mench.
c) Left three runners on base.
d) Can really use a three-day rest.

3. The last four batters in the order -- Robby Cano, Melky Cabrera, Wilson Betemit and Brett Gardner...
a) Didn't get any hits.
b) Left four runners on base.
c) Contributed two strike outs and a double play grounder.
d) Has nobody hitting higher than .246.

4. Jason Giambi's home run...
a) Came with nobody on and one out in the ninth.
b) Didn't matter one stinking bit.
c) Might have mattered if hit in the sixth, when there were two men on.
d) Was his 13th (out of 19) hit with the bases empty.

Bad Day

Asylum

Got some chocolate-chip cookies here
Murcer.
So don't ask me any questions
For a batter or so.
All right?

Phil Rizzuto
June 17, 1992
New York at Boston
Roger Clemens pitching to Mel Hall
Sixth inning, two outs, bases empty
Red Sox lead 2-1

He was never what he was supposed to be. He was supposed to be the next Mickey. That's how it went. It was Ruth to Dimaggio to Mantle and then to Bobby Murcer. Everybody said it. Everybody could see it. And so whatever he did, it was never enough. Never. Because he was not what he was supposed to be.

Maybe we grew up after he was traded to San Francisco for Bobby Bonds. A friend of mine on the West Coast worked in the laundry that cleaned the Giants uniforms. He stole the jersey that said "MURCER" on the back. I'll never forget the day I saw that jersey. That was the day I realized what we had given up.

Murcer carried us through lean years. When he came back, near the end of his career, the Yanks were an entirely different organization. They'd once been a big dynasty machine, so efficient that it seemed certain that Mickey would be replaced by another Mickey. When Murcer came back to us -- bunting for hits, working walks and slapping singles -- we saw a player giving everything he had to an organization that had traded him. He was the guy who rallied us after Thurman Munson's death. He was the guy who drew the loudest cheers. We'd had Ruth, Dimaggio and Mantle.

None of them was a Bobby Murcer.

My favorite Murcer story is one he would tell about himself. He'd be playing left field at Fenway, and the fans would yell horrible things. Nonstop abuse. One guy was the absolute loudest, meanest and worst, yelling insults that made Murcer cringe. Of course, Murcer would agree with the guy now and then. And sure enough, Murcer ended up getting to know him. The guy invited him for dinner. They became great friends.

Can you imagine that?

He just smiled, nodded, laughed... and he won the guy over.

Same way with us.

Chocolate-chip cookies. I hope he's enjoying them tonight.