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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Yank Woes Go on: Madonna to Join Jorge, Godzilla, on DL

Could be out for Season

Brian Cashman will be beating the bushes to sign a new celebrity distraction, following revelations Monday that popstar Madonna may undergo knee surgery and be lost until 2009.

"We understand that she wants to play in pain, but it might be better for her to simply rest six months and come back strong in spring training," Yankee manager Joe Girardi said. "When she's on her game -- I mean, really on her game -- she could go through not only ARod, but our entire team. She can pitch. She can catch. She can play every position. That's the kind of production you expect of a superstar like Madonna. But to watch her gimping around the clubhouse, trying seduce Joba in that Hoverfun motorized wheelchair, well, it's just too tough."

Cashman is looking at signing several potential replacement distractions for this year's pennant drive. Paris Hilton is always on the market, and several top genetic research facilities located in Aruba have suggested that she be cross-pollinated with Sir Sidney Ponson. The resulting strain, Sir Paris Ponson, could raise partying to levels not yet achieved by the human species.

Other possible free agent distraction pickups include Britney Spears, Mary Cheney and Mike Piazza.

"It's going to be tough without Madonna," Cashman said. "We're playing our hearts out, bidding farewell to a majestic old ball field. Not only that, but it's the last year of Yankee Stadium, too."

4 comments:

Bostowned said...

As long as we sign Bret Farve before the trade deadline, the loss of Madonna wont bother me so much. He'd be a quality pick up and we can probably exchange Paris Ponson and a draft pick for him so long as we take on the remaining 2 years of his contract. I think its totally doable.

Farve is a dynamic arm and can be slotted into the 4th spot in the rotation easily. He may be able to teach Mussina how to through some more heat as he ages. Come on though, how great would a Farve vs Dice K matchup in late September be? John Madden may actually die if this actuzition comes true but think of all the talking ESPN will get to do. I mean, thats almost worth it right there.

Can you imagine an ESPN Sunday Night baseball game featuring the Yanks/RedSox with Farve going against Dice K at Fenway (nothing gets ESPN execs wetter) with Playoffs on the line and John Buck in the booth with his special guest John Madden?

Twice the John, twice the "Mad"ness!

Buck: Im John Buck here....with special guest....John Madden. Hello John.

Madden: Well..hahaha#^$&^%...aaaaaa...ya know...aaaaa.... its great to be here Dave.

Buck: ................

Madden: What we have here buddy is a rare chance to see Bret Farve dominate 2 sports. I mean #@%^&@#!...aaa...aaaa....aaaaaaa...ya know?

Buck: Hahaa....absolutely. Im John Buck....here with legendary NFL coach and commentater John Ma....

Madden (interupts): Ya know what Im wondering? Yeeahh...umm..aaa...a.........does that catcher guy have enough padding to catch Farves passes? Boy its a pretty day out there (looks at night sky).

Buck: Well lets go down to the field and talk to our good buddy, Redsox fan, baseball hall of famer, and resident old guy Peter Gammons. Pete?"

Pete: Thanks guys. Mr. Madden welcome to Fenway Park. I love the RedSox by the way, oh and I talked to Joe Girardi and came away feeling like the Yanks pitching depth isnt good. But barring the fact that the Sox cant play away from Fenway park and have a catcher who cant hit and and hitter who cant catcher (Manny), I think the edge this evening goes to the RedSox. I love the RedSox by the way, oh and I talked to Joe Girard.....

Buck (interupts): Ok thanks Pete. Now John, you have to love how....

Madden: (mic turned back on and still talking about his previous thought) .....and the clouds look about as lovely as a Bret Farve touchdown pass. I havent seen to many basball games in recent years but aaaaaaa.......aaa......what?......aaa.........I bet...aaa.....aaaa....Farve probably scored by points for the Yankees then that on fella guy on in the thrid spot did huh?

Buck: Third spot? Did...you mean (John Buck random enthusiastic response) BOBBY ABREU! OH MY!

Madden: What? Aaaaaa...wait who? I mean...$#%^^%&*##$

Buck: Abreu as 16 HOME RUNS!

Madden: Oh I see, he hits the thrid time, no I mean the guy that stands on that thrid spot out there. Haaaaaaa.........................right down there Tom (points to thrid base).

Buck: Oh you mean Arod.

Madden: Well...I dont know about that. I dont call people names, if I understand you right. *#@$%#%^, I haha......aaaaaaa...ham sandwich....aaaa........didnt call you a rod. Hahaaaa.....aaaa....tell you the truth I dont know what that means Bob.

Buck: No Arod is.........a nicname for.......Alex Rodriquez.

Madden: Whos that? @#$^#$....Farve....#@$%&%....aaa....





...............and I think you can imagine the rest. Hahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Did anyone notice Sterling's victory call last night? It was horrible. Was he tired or something after calling those homeruns?

Anonymous said...

Bostowned, you should be posting for us.

Anonymous, you're absolutely right. The Sterl Hurl was dreadful. But you could see it coming from a distance. The man is 60. He can't bring it like a 50 year old anymore.

Anonymous said...

THIS JUST IN:

George W. Bush, former minority owner of Texas Rangers revokes Richard Nixon's pardon of Gorge "The Boss" Steinbrenner, sentences meddling idiot son Hank to serve out father's term.

Details at 11:00!