Rhyme for Next Tuesday

I ran a small community.
I hunted for our food.
I partnered with the companies,
That combed my land for crude.

I fired all the bureaucrats
Who didn’t give their best.
I went to lunch with businessmen
Who sought to feel at my chest.

I battled with my sister’s ex-
Who, frankly, is a jerk.
It took me twenty phone calls
Just to get him fired from work.

I always fought corruption,
To the crooked pols’ dismay.
I refused to back their earmarks
‘Cept the ones that came my way.

I drove my kids to hockey games,
Always cheering, always calm.
My daughter met the goalie,
Soon, she’ll be a hockey mom.

I found she'd gotten pregnant,
By her high school boyfriend’s seed.
We’ll get that punk to marry her.
Who says I cannot lead!

I pray in church on Sunday,
All the other days, I preach.
I’ll make a perfect President.
It says so in my speech.