OK, it's not Farah Fawcett, but she's the best we've got.
Celebrity death = Yankee victory.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
October 29, 2009
New York City is overpriced and overrated and what a feeling it would be to knock those arrogant jerks off their self-important pedestals.
A bunch of loud, ignorant, psuedo-sophisticated, ahem, people.
October 29, 2009
"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.” It is time to vote for YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.
Now it's up to you, the general public.
THERE WAS A HOUSE
There was a House that Ruth Built
Beloved throughout the town.
It didn’t please the millionaires,
And so they tore it down.
It didn’t have a steak house.
No discos could be found.
The catered boxes were too few,
And so they tore it down.
They wailed about necessity,
Each face portrayed a frown,
But ticket prices were too low,
And so they tore it down.
They cried about tradition.
Great anguish, all around.
But money calls the shots these days,
And so they tore it down.
They’ll tell you how the clubhouse stank,
From sewers underground.
They never thought of fixing things.
They simply tore it down.
Oh, somewhere, fans still celebrate,
Great ballparks of renown.
There'll be no joy in Mudville.
They went and tore it down.
Friday, October 30, 2009
October 29, 2009
I recall Gwen Verdon in the Broadway show Damn Yankees in 1955. In those days, the Yankees were merely great ballplayers; now they and their owners are the Croesus of what we call sport.
Probably the celebrated aspect of the modern WinWarble is the THUUUH. Though commonly hyped by the media and mimicked by the fanbase, the THUUUH remains one of the most elusive and misunderstood elements within mainstream Yankeeology.
The following represents our first true attempt to discern the pitch, timber and fundamental fabric of the THUUUH, as sampled during the warble-heavy 2009 post-season.
As longtime Yankeeologists, we at IT IS HIGH believe clinical breakthroughs are near, and humankind may soon understand the essential meaning of THUUUH.
This is only the beginning.
In Game One, Hideki Matsui was doubled off first base after Jimmy Rollins caught an infield pop-up. It didn't go down well in the Loews Broadcast Booth, and over the next five minutes, our heroes repeatedly drove home one basic point.
John unleashes tape-measure Game 2 Warble, rivaling Springsteenian "Jungle Land" climax, hitting WinGasm territory
He's waited six years to uncork the fireplug in his lungs and spray the kind of WinGasm intensity that sends singers to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, and I don't mean you, Joni Mitchell! This aint no Circle Game, no wheels goin' round-in-round -- THIS IS REAL, HONEY, THIS IS RAWTONE LARNYX-LOUD-LIFTING!
If anybody out there thinks Joe Buck and Tim McCarver collectively could hit a 7.27-second a WinWarble -- I'm talking if they tried a tag-team warble, slapping butts and trading off, even using a 50-volt cattle prod, and they'd still be lucky to nail a 6.50; that's announcing? Hell, Harry Kalas' empty suit in the Phillies dugout could blow a 5.00! -- then douse your Fergie records and pull out that boney Canadian chick, Celine Whatever, the one they describe as "handsome," belting out the final distress mayday ending to "Theme From Titanic." Because that's the kind of bowel-movement-inducing climax we're hearing from the Voice of the Yankees, driven by Jesus! LAY DOWN ON THE FLOOR, CLASP YOUR HANDS TIGHT AND TURN THIS MUTHEREFFER UP.
SEVEN POINT TWO SEVEN SECONDS: 7.27
Thursday, October 29, 2009
But let's examine:
1. A-Rod is back to his old tricks. Six strike outs in two World Series games.
2. We have one relief pitcher. One.
3. If Mariano can pitch two innings in each of the remaining games, we have a shot.
4. Pray for rain-outs so he can get the necessary rest.
5. Jeter should not bunt with two on, no one out and two strikes. Particularly after he tried on the previous two pitches to bunt and failed totally.
6. The umpires all hate the Yankees. They will make bad calls to hurt us.
7. A-Rod has stopped hitting. All he can do is strike out now.
8. We only have one relief pitcher.
It isn't enough.
"If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you."
NOTE: THE FOLLOWING MAY BE TOO INTENSE FOR YOUNG VIEWERS. IF YOU VALUE YOUR CHILDREN'S STATE OF MIND, OR THE WELL BEING OF THOSE YOU LOVE, THINK LONG AND HARD BEFORE CLINKING UPON THE EMBEDDED VIDEO. FRANKLY, I WOULDN'T DO IT. I WOULD SAY TO MYSELF, WHAT'S THE POINT? WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. DO WE NEED TO RELIVE IT, CONSTANTLY, ENDLESSLY? IS THIS SOMEBODY'S IDEA OF HEALING? DO WE REALLY NEED TO SUBJECT OURSELVES TO THIS KIND OF PAIN?
The CIA uses this same technique when they order a "rendition"of a citizen. They find out if you are a Yankee fan, and make you watch last night's game in a Philly bar.
All we can do is drink and take sedatives.
But I do expect Andy to pitch well in game three.
This is actually a picture of one of those new compact disks, or "CeeDees." It's called Tim McCarver Sings Selections From The Great American Songbook, and it doesn't have any of that awful "rap" singing. You can buy it for 10,000 S&H green stamps at The Amazon, which is just up the escalator near the food court, if I ain't mistaken. (Via SportsFilter).
This is hitting your target audience! Because this lady is speaking to me.
She's in one hunka-hunka-burnin' depression. She can't get up in the morning. She can't put on her socks. She sits and stares at the TV and watches Phil Hughes piss the game away, and there is only one hope. This broad needs an elixer!
You see, our problem is not Chase Utley. No, it's our lack of brain serotonin and fuckadada, dancing through our frozen synapses, when we realize Freddie Guzman would help our bullpen more than Brian Bruney.
We don't need to beat Pedro tonight. Hell, no. We just need a shitload of this stuff.
Watch out, they say it can result in suicidal tendencies. What? This is living?
The girl had "Phillie Fever",
A massive fall attack.
The only cure required her
To lay down on her back.
To nab a pair of tickets,
What must a clever girl do?
A "Dirty Utley"? "Around the Lidge"?
A "Hamels Camel" or two?
But the cops horned in, and now her pic's
Been spread across the nation.
Next time, p'raps, she first should try
Some Manuel stimulation.
2. Phil Hughes really told off that ump!
3. We didn't waste Mariano!
4. Alec Baldwin, looking thin!
5. Ha, ha! Tough guy Cliff Lee couldn't pitch a no-hitter!
6. New Flaming Lips album, soon in stores!
9. Another day of inactivity for Philly bullpen!
10. If swept, we'll never have to face Lee again!
No lie. This person would put you in jail and throw away the key.
Let's hope he doesn't ever have Phil Hughes come through his office.
unless the Yanks can win 4 out the next 5 games, which seems dubious, they've got to face that f'in guy two more times, and I just don't see them hitting him. Then again, CC could decide to give up absolutely nothing to these guys, so who knows- didn't Harvey Haddix once throw a no-hitter through 12 (and lose?). I don't get it, I've been to Philly, its nothing, it seems like a loser city, go figger, these guys are good. Outside of Army-Navy and Ben Frankilin, what ever happened there that they deserve this team?
ps- The Schmuck-A-rod is back. Anyone notice him flipping his bat in the air and then catching it, showing off for in laws Kurt and Goldie? Such an asshole. And swinging from the heels with two strikes? Anyone say Hollywoodrod? I expect absolutely ZERO, NADA, from him for the next week or so of our life here on Earth. Why did the Commish ever put the kibosh on the Boston deal, why oh why (maybe because he knew and he wanted to put a hex on the Bombers??) I just wish Herr Steinbrenner knew what M. Louise Ciccone knew- the guy is a LOSER.
Who knew- Cliff Lee is the new Deacon Phlllips? This guys is unbelievable. Did anyone know this guy? Where did he come from? Even Ben didn't know this guy comes to play.
MLP and fam- dry out yet? Get out of the traffic jam yet?
let me know if you think this is worth posting. Its difficult to have ...perspective... this a.m. My moniker is Dr. Brown (didn't know that, did you?)
At least, as the NYT reports online, Obama is visiting the returning war dead. Now thats a way to increase support and squeeze out those last few votes 6 days before Election Day. Maybe he sees there's little hope left in the Bronx also.
Who knows, BB is a funny game, things change in an instant- did someone say Luis Gonzalez?- some day we may look back on this and it will all seem funny. But this Morning there is No Joy in Mudville.
Seneca Falls! First-ballot!
This is history, everybody. There's no turning back.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Live Blog Forecast, based upon what has happened through 5 innings:
The Red state area -- East Stroudsbugh -- is controlled by Philly warlords.
I made you hot nigga,
Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,
shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,
you should know I bleed Blue, but I ain't a crip tho,
but I got a gang of niggas walking with my clique though,
welcome to the melting pot,
corners where we selling rocks,
Afrika bambaataa shit,
home of the hip hop,
yellow cab, gypsy cab, dollar cab, holla back,
for foreigners it ain't fitted act like they forgot how to act,
8 million stories out there and they're naked,
city it's a pity half of y’all won’t make it,
me I gotta plug a special and I got it made,
If Jeezy's payin LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade,
3 dice cee-lo
3 card marley,
Labor Day parade, rest in peace Bob Marley,
Statue of Liberty, long live the World Trade,
long live the king yo,
I’m from the Empire State.
Catch me on the Thruway at the Utica stop, you way...
(They may have less news than us.)
Repeating as World Series champs is difficult (Oh?)
Intense Girardi a hit as Yankees' manager (Did they see Game 3?)
Most Daily News writers predict another World Series win for Phillies. (Shocker.)
Yankees agree: Just getting to World Series is never enough. (Zzz)
1950 World Series: Still thrill of a lifetime (Whose life, Tim McCarver?)
Talent, tradition, money behind Yankees' success (Small market Phills?)
Phillies can thank Yanks for famous Ballantine scorecard. (Yes, very famous.)
In South Phila., Joe Dimaggio still an idol (Wait... Little Italy?)
Yo, Yankees, Phillies have dynastic plans of their own. (Written in Ebonics?)
Phillies lose close World Series in four games to Yanks. (1950 again)
At 38, Martinez has teammates' and foes' respect (Respect?)
Who's the best first baseman in the World Series? (Who's on first.)
Stadiums built for calls of "That ball's outta here." (Interview the stadium?)
World Series rivalry splits family loyalties (Localize!)
Future MVP integrated Yanks in 1955 (Myra Breckenridge?)
Numbers give Yankees bragging rights (26)
Series pits shortstops who love the spotlight (Make it stop!)
Phillies, Yanks mostly praise each other (No more!)
Game 1 hurlers are ex-Indians (Nothing else happening in the world?)
Bill Conlin: Comparing Phillies, Yankees lineups ... (War in Afghanistan?)
Rich Hofmann: Lee vs. Sabathia: A pitching matchup. (Help.)
If we win, the statesmen and stateswomen of the NY delegation get a whopping-big Cheese-Whiz infested, no-meat-that-science-can-identify Philly cheese steak, which Kristen "Not Caroline Kennedy" Gillebrandt can eat with a salad fork. When Chuck Schumer stares into it, this is what he'll see.
This is what we're paying you, for, CC.
This is why you got that big contract with all those zeros. Right now. The World Series. Everything up to this point hasn't mattered. NOW it when it counts. Yankee fans around the world are counting on ...
What's that? Well, yeah, OK, the League Championship series was important. Nice job there, too, with the MVP and all. But this, the World Series, that's what we're really paying you ...
Huh? The ALDS? Well, yeah, we said that then, too, but, really, it was just the Twins. Still, it was the postseason, so OK, it was a big deal. But this, tonight, the World Series, is REALLY what ...
What's that? Yeah, that 9-1 record after the All-Star break, three wins against the Red Sox, I know we said those were a big deal at the time, and it helped get us here and all, but ...
Oh, hell. Just win tonight and in Game 4. And if it comes to a Game 7, well ... that's REALLY what we're paying you for.
It's always clunky in Philadelphia.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Because Susan Finkelstein wanted to take one for the team.
the 43-year-old suburban Philadelphia woman posted an ad on the Web site Craigslist in which she described herself as a "gorgeous, tall, buxom blonde diehard Phillies fan" desperately seeking Series tickets, according to CBS station KYW-TV in Philadelphia.
Her ad, according to police, suggested she'd offer something extra. "I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"It is unknown at this time what sex acts she was willing to perform.
What sealed the deal was when an undercover officer responded to the digital ad, and Finkelstein allegedly offered to perform various sex acts in exchange for the coveted tickets. Police did not say precisely what this Phillies fanatic was willing to do to see her beloved team play the Yankees.
The Dirty Utley?
Details at 11.
Not sure how this came into our possession, but a photo album showing the Girardi family living the life of suburban bliss has surfaced. Here's a peek:
Joe (far left) and his first baseball team, The Midway Mashers managed by Gaylord Disney (the tall guy in the middle.)
Grampa and Gramma Girardi settle in Florida, ironically the location of Joe's first managing opportunity.
Joe's prom date, Koo Koo
Joe's Grampa was a kitten executioner between jobs during the Depression.
Joe showing off his first catching gear given to him in Christmas '58.
Joe and his kindergarten teacher, Joanie V.
(Tip o' the hat to an amusing site: Black and WTF)
Lord knows Teddy Ballgame never had a speck of luck. (And, trust me, the streak has continued in this godforsaken place. Hell has frozen over, and I live there.)
I had the bad luck to play for the most racist organization in baseball. So I never got to play with guys like Jackie Robinson or Willie Mays or Larry Doby. The Red Sox didn't integrate until 1959, three years after Jackie Robinson retired. When we finally got a black player, he hit .233 with one home run in 172 at-bats. Pumpsie Green, we hardly knew ye.
That, or Shelley Duncan.
1. Phone call from Rusty Staub!
2. Opportunity to buy Rolex for only $10 from nearby street vendor.
3. Stirring recital of "Casey at the Bat" performed by Mr. Fred Wilpon.
4. Flock of geese overhead, breaking stillness.
5. Jose Reyes' locker!
6. Power Point presentation of team 401(k) plan.
7. Tour of both World Championship trophies.
8. Stirring rendition of "Yer a Better Man than I Am, Gunga Din!" performed by Mr. Fred Wilpon.
9. Pose for picture with Mr. Met mascot (Omar Minaya).
10. Seinfeld rerun on office TV.
11. Giant "VIVA FIDEL" message on Jumbotron.
12. New York Style Pizza!
13. Heroic restarting of Mr. Fred Wilpon's heart with fibulator.
14. Chance to get tickets to ALCS.