Rejoice now in the story of the burly warrior, David Wells, who in the annum 2003 inked into print his long-awaited memoirs. But the quirky giant’s quill etched dark and unholy secrets from the House of George.
According to the Book of Boomer, his famous Game of Perfection, five summers earlier, had been rendered while David was recovering from an ill-swollen night of grape gleanings and rank tomfoolery.
According to the Book of Boomer, some competitors were swallowing unlawful elixirs to thicken themselves with devil-forged muscle.
After seven days and nights, Joe appeareth unto the false scribe and spake:
“Hear me, o, Boomer!
“Ye hath broken the Golden Code of Silence that Yanks have loved since the time of Sparky Lyle. For mere pieces of silver, ye have betrayed the House of George!
“I condemn thee! I denounce thee! I rebuke thee!
“Ye shall be fined a hundred thousand goats. And ye shall smell the stench that ye hath farted upon all who cherish the spoils of Yank silence.
“This I do decree!”
And so it did transpire.
David, stoned and buttery beneath his pinstriped sackcloth, called a conference of news and spake:
“Hear me, o world!
“I renounce the claim that I birthed my Game of Perfection following an eve of refrocked virgins and shots of meadfire.
“I renounce the claim that some contestants of game have chewed vitamins of deceit to fortify themselves with counterfeit spine.
“I renounce myself for being a bald and larded lout, who hath penned bile in the hope of bedding the runway vixens who shalt rouse a fiery tower from my unremarkable shaft.
And among doubters, winds whispered that David’s testimony was born not from righteous self-loath, but deceit. And writers called for Joe to replace David with the rising God of Potential, Jeff Weaver, son of Kaminecki.
Then, one day, Joe appeareth unto David and spake:
“And I hath come to see that Jeff Weaver is getting absolutely hammered each time his surfer frame ascends the mound of pitch.
“Verily! Ye shall reassume thy place in the rotation. This I do decree!”
And David did lead the Yankees to the Flag of the League.
And David helped vanquish the Bostonites in a great Yank victory.
And the House of George was defeated.
And David renounced his ties to the House of George.
There, his quill would never again see censor. And there, he brought filth to the End of Daze.