Ask el Duque: Tips on dealing with Redsock fans this winter

Dear el,

I live in Boston. This winter, it's unbearable. Advice?

Living Amid Snakes


Dear Amid:

Remember that like small animals in the woods, they are more scared of you than you are of them. And the more they spend, the more terrified of losing they will be. Here are five general rules.

1. Admit that Dustin Pedroia is a jolly fine fellow. It's not his fault that his brother has -- well -- "problems." Ask how Dusty's bones be a-healin', and express hope for a full recovery, because with wee folk -- well -- you just never know. Concede that D-Ped had a great 2008 and he'd make a fine Yankee someday, unless Ramiro Pena steps up his utility game. By propping up Pedroia, maybe the Redsock fans will extend the olive branch to acknowledge once and for all Nick Swisher’s greatness.

2. Gently, toss Arod under the bus. Why defend him? Cameron Diaz? Dinner with Clinton? Steroids? Sorry. Too much baggage. Remember that creepy magazine photo where he stares into the mirror? Nope, we cannot win, fighting for Arod -- unless he's having an MVP year. This winter, change the subject. How about that Tom Brady!

3. When they grouse about Yankee spending, push the END DISCUSSION button. Period. They cannot pretend to be some low-paying "alt" team. Note that a Youkilis beaning makes the exact same sound as a coconut hitting Gilligan’s skull. Walk away.

4. Let them save face. Remember -- they missed the playoffs last year. Talk up his players. Hey, how about that Mike Cameron! He's ready to play in 2011! Wish we had him.

5. In case of emergency, break glass: mention Big Papi's juice, Ted Williams’ frozen head, Curt Schilling’s weight, Curt Schilling’s use of ketchup, or the fact that Stephen King brings books to read during Redsock games. Whatever it takes. It's been a cruel winter, and we just gave them the new punch line of Bartolo Colon.