My State of the Yankiverse Address

Sons of Steinbrenner, daughter of Steinbrenner, associated in-laws and hangers-on of Steinbrenners, General Manager Cashman, Manager Girardi, Captain Jeter, coaches, players, sportswriters, assembled guests from the famous world wide web and my fellow fans...

Tonight, I come before you to report that we -- that is, the New York Yankees – stand at the pinchpoint between Heaven and Hell.

Over the next 10 months, we will either rise as an organization to capture the 2011 World Series and, thus, cure hunger, restore the icecaps and lift America from her depression... or we will crumble, while our leaders scream like lice, our enemies bespoil our name and the country - nay, the planet - sinks into a dark age from which, frankly, it will never recover.

If we lose, know this: We shall be ridiculed by Redsocks, condemned by Mets, scorned by Rays and related to by Royals. The choice is ours: Paradise or Peoria?

We have players destined for the Hall of Fame: Derek Jeter, (Applause) Mariano Rivera, (Applause) Alex Rodgriguez (Applause, boos, applause), CC Sabathia (applause), Mark Teixiera (applause) and the real 2010 American League Most Valuable Player (applause) Robinson Cano (applause)!

We have rising young stars, such as Brett Gardner (applause), Curtis Granderson (applause), Phil Hughes (applause) and Nick Swisher (applause.) (Cameras show Joba Chamberlain, looking dejected that his name wasn't mentioned.)

We have great prospects, such as Jesus Montero (shouts of "Praise him!") and the Killer B's - Brackman, Bannuelos and Betances -- (applause) but friends we have great concerns.

Last year, our starters crumbled (shot of AJ Burnett, hanging head), suffered from inconsistency (shot of Joba, pretending not to notice that he's on TV), while we played through injuries (shot of Jorge Posada, crying) and failed against Texas in the clutch. (Girardi shaking his head.)

This winter, we failed at luring the players who could re-envigorate this franchise. We signed Rafael Soriano for the bullpen. (Shot of Cashman, dejectedly walking out of hall) We signed Andruw Jones. (Shot of Andruw, sitting in grandstand next to Congressional intern who saved Gabrielle Giffords.) But without a rotation, we are doomed.

Today, our 40-man roster -- supposedly representing one of the strongest farm systems in baseball -- has the following cast-offs: Robert Fish. Steve Garrison. Romulo Sanchez. Brian Schlitter. Daniel Turpen. Jordan Parraz. Greg Golson. (Silence). None are prospects. They failed to make other 40-man rosters. We picked them up, because we are desperate and because somewhere, our system is not producing.

Today, our future hinges on the health of great Yankees over the age of 36 -- and unproven players, with almost no track record. If not for a recent signing, which seems to have shattered internal peace, (shot of Cashman's empty seat), we would have no one to replace the Great Rivera, should he suffer injury.

Through an unprecendented arms build-up, Boston has improved. (Booing) Under manager Buck Showalter -- a devout Yankee enemy -- (Hissing) Baltimore will rise. In the National League, Toronto would have made the playoffs. And yet the team we should most fear is Tampa -- despite loss of free agents -- is still loaded from a decade of high draft picks. One injury, one off-year ... and we could come in last. (Shout of "You lie!" from Anonymous, seated in gallery.)

No, Anonymous, I tell the truth! (Applause, people attack, physically pummel Anonymous.) No, let him go. (Crowd lets Anonymous go.) This is the greatest challenge yet to the New Millenium New York Yankees.

People, we have the honor to witness the last great stand of Jorge Posada. (Applause) The last great stand of Mariano Rivera (growing applause). The last great stand of Derek Jeter (wild applause). The last days of the great team once known as Torre’s Yankees.

Yes, Joe Torre. Let me say the name. (Shot of Torre, sitting in gallery beside Yogi Berra, Whitey Ford, God and John Sterling.)

He's now out of baseball, which means... (standing ovation)... he is back within our family, at least in spirit. (Torre breaks down, weeps, dons Yankee hat, reaches out to figure in back aisle and pulls out...  Andy Pettitte, who waves to crowd. Torre puts Yankee cap on Pettitte's head. Crowd goes mad with ecstacy.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we -- the 2011 New York Yankees -- stand at the gateway to heaven, the gateway to hell... AND WE WILL RECEIVE THE DESTINATION WE DESERVE.

(Suzyn Waldman in control room shrieks "Andy Pettitte! Andy Pettitte! Andy Pettitte!")


GOD BLESS THE YANKEES, AND GOD BLESS YOU ALL.