Thursday, June 19, 2008

Cashman Relieves Mets By Signing Porker


After being pilloried for days by all forms of media, the Mets can finally breathe easy.

Brian Cashman has signed retrobate, alcohol-addled, mean spirited and pugnacious Sidney Ponson. He will be in the headlines daily now, until sentencing.

We can only hope he starts against Boston and "goes inside" to all their superstars....except Jacoby, who is weak and must be protected.

In a brief interview with an unnamed IIH,IIF,IIc roving reporter, Brian mentioned, "I am really happy we didn't have to reach into our pod of minor league pitchers to fill this gap. First of all, given Sidney's weight limit, we would have had to bring up at least 2 guys."

Sounds like Brian had had a few before this quip, no?

In any case, apparently none of our sober, hard-working guys is deemed ready. I just hope MLB's minor league assessment team doesn't send it's auditors back out to the boondocks. We need to maintain this illusion that the Yankee's minor league system is highly rated.

Hmmm, let's do the math; an overweight, drunken jailbird who was recently dismissed ...despite a good pitching record...by the Rangers for being an obnoxious punk, or last year's "pitcher of the year " in AA.

Anyone want to review Brian's decision not to trade Yankee "prospects" for CC Sabathia in this context?

" Sidney is commited to the Club," stated Brian, "and we need another clubhouse guy. I'm pretty sure he knows his way around Clubs."

Brian, in confidence, added, "We haven't had much unrelenting hate, fighting, or felonious assault against anyone in the dugout since Billy Martin, Reggie, Ed Whitson and Fritz Petersen left.

I did this to stir things up, at least until Andrew Brackman is out of the hospital for the second or third time."

And it is apparently untrue that the Yankees are adding a "shots and beer " patch to the pinstripes for home games.

7 comments:

el duque said...

Alph,

I'm starting to think we're all wrong on this.

You know, the idea is so crazy... it just might work!

Professor of Ethics Fonzy said...

It may wok for a start or two. Maybe that's all we need.

But Sidney and New York are like open kerosene cans at a barbeque during a wind storm.

Also, how much tolerance will he have for Scranton, unless it is " all you can eat " junk food weekend.

Are you suggsting that history, in this instance, may not be a prognosticator of the future?

At least, it will be difficult for Sidney to disrespect most of the guys in the Yankee dugout.

el duque said...

Alph,

You're wrong.

When Sidney became a Yankee, whether we like it or not, he became part of our family.

He is one of us.

You can't go ripping on your brother like that. We have to pick each other up. We have help Sidney, not tear him down.

OK, he's had problems. Yeah, he's not perfect.

Was Babe Ruth perfect? Was Mickey Mantle perfect? Is A-Rod perfect?

This is our chance to save a soul.

This is what Yankeehood is all about.

Ethics Fonzy said...

Duque,

First of all, Mantle and Ruth were perfect.

A-Rod is only perfect when it matters least.

Ponson will want a long term deal now that he has heard that "Hard Rock Cafe" will have 7000 square feet in new Yankee stadium, and the joint will be open 365 days per year.

Besides, equating Ponson with a pig is in no way demeaning to him, I'm sure.

Keep in mind, he is from Aruba. And you can get away with murder in Aruba.

W.C. Fields said...

...as long as he doesn't feed the firewater to the youngsters (especially the guy pitching today), it might serve to lighten up the clubhouse...


...before they release him at the all-star break for doing shots in the bullpen.

Do the arm candy come with Ponson?

el duque said...

You think he had anything to do with that young woman's disappearance?

He's from Aruba.

She disappeared in Aruba.

Maybe it's time someone connected the dots.

Sherrif in waiting Fonz said...

Of course he had something to do with her disappearance?

Why do you think he spent 11 days in jail?