Grannies Welcome Kei to AARP With birthday Next Month

While scarfing down his postgame meal of stir-fried vegetables and rice the other day, Kei Igawa pondered his life.

Neither Kei nor the Yankees imagined that he would be toiling his career away playing games of little consequence in front of half-empty stadiums, in towns that are mostly half-empty themselves.

When the Yankees outbid 31 other teams to negotiate with Kei ( $26 million ), and spent another $20 million to pry him away from the Hanshin Tigers, little did they know that he would show no signs of ever being a contributor to the major league team.

Igawa was not considered as a replacement for the now one-legged Chin Ming, and he feels "no pressure to perform" in the face of the huge investment the Yankees made in him. The only financial deal considered worse in the US today is the " sub-prime mortgage crisis." If they can prosecute Bear Stearns Hedge Fund managers, they can prosecute the Yankee brass, I say.

In any case, it has come to our attention at IIH,IIF,IIc that Igawa has a birthday coming up. And while I don't have his birth certificate for verification, I think he has been in Scranton so long that he will qualify for AARP mailings next month, when the rice cake and candles are brought to his locker.

It is amazing how time flies.

Igawa, who relies on a slurve and a changeup to keep batters off balance, has never unleashed a fastball at more than 65 mph. In Japan, his need for dentistry was easily ovelooked, but not so in America where our obsession with cosmetic beauty once caused the Yankees to sign Carl Pavano.

Recently, mostly as a time waster, a few Scrantonites were interviewed and asked about Kei's performance:

Lucy ( deli counter ) ; " He says ( through his interpreter ) that he is pretty comfortable here, but that doesn't mean he wants to be comfortable here."

Oscar ( plumber's helper ) : " Kei is willing to get better. It is just taking too long."

Luke ( math teacher ); " Everything he wants is in New York. Including his wife."

AARP's dental coverage will kick in for Kei once he makes it to a 7th inning.