McCain will award ARod to crafty carmaker that solves U.S. gas crisis

WASHINGTON _ Seeking "Yankee ingenuity," GOP Presidential candidate John McCain is offering baseball slugger Alex Rodriguez to any carmaker that can instantly solve the nation's energy woes by building an automobile that runs on something cheap, like lawn clippings or wadded-up Post-it notes.

The awarding of A-Rod, currently batting .324 with 14 HR, would immediately make that plucky carmaker the favorite in all corporate challenge softball games and the most requested ticket for Detroit summer clambakes and senior management golf tournaments.

To obtain Rodriguez, McCain will pay the winning carmaker $300 milllion -- that's $25 million more than what the Yankees will shell out to A-Rod over 10 years. Actually, it would leave the company with $25 million, presumably to purchase Hideki Matsui and/or Jason Giambi.

"That's the beauty of free enterprise," McCain said. "The carmaker can decide. But with $300 million, they would not only have the best hitter in the game -- I'm talking regular season, not playoffs -- but they can protect him in the order."

McCain's rival, Democrat Barack Obama immediately called the $300 prize idea "a gimmick," noting that if the carmakers come up with a new energy source, superagent Scott Boras would promptly drive up its cost -- putting lawn clippings or Post-it notes at $150 a wad.

"We have the greatest resources of any country on the planet," Obama said. "And yet we wake up one day and find Sidney Ponson pitching for us. That is the definition of a failed policy."