Our Day One Draft Analysis

At considerable expense, we have scouted the nation's 2008 draft talent since 1996, when the pool included many of you IT IS HIGH readers. (Yes, we know what you did to Mindy in third grade.) Therefore, here is our take on the Yanklets chosen by the Mother Ship:


FIRST ROUND: GERRIT COLE, pitcher, high school



Bone density scale: 77.
Stool sample analysis: Stinky. Had he eaten a pizza?
DNA Genome breakdown: Could be candidate for Alzheimers after age 87.
Psychological report: Expressed desire to return to womb. During sessions, often mentioned fantasy of growing wings and flying over baseball stadiums, dropping "love bombs" onto opposition. Should be kept apart from Giambi.
Overall: Fuck it. He's 6'3, has the Scott Boras Seal of Approval, and he was on all the bloggers lists. He'll throw a pitch before last year's pick, Andrew Brackman, does. He'll look good coming off the bus. How bad can it be?

FIRST ROUND SANDWICH PICK: Jeremy Bleich, (pronounced as the sound of vomit?) pitcher, Stanford

Tongue type (Coronian Scale): E
Stool sample analysis: Icky. May have been left in baggie too long in back of Alphonso's hot car.
DNA Genome Breakdown: Might be our mistake, but we think he's the illegitimate son of Mike Mussina, which we already thought was Ian Kennedy.
Psychological Report: Believes in ghosts. May have stalked Lindsay Lohan during 2006 spring break. Told rib-tickling jokes about celibacy, then attempted to pay for sex with interviewer. When interviewer declined, subject claimed to be police agent, seeking to break up undercover sex ring. (NOTE: Our court date is June 19.)
Overall: The bloggers are calling this pick a gamble, because there's no fossil record of his previous existence, other than to be treated for tendinitis. Nevertheless, he's a LH pitcher, and the Yanks have nobody else in the system who is LH. Somebody must have liked him, (although our draft guy, Oppenheimer, is increasingly being true to his name in developing bombs.) Who knows, maybe Bleich will take Brackman's place in rehab, and in the year 2013, they'll be teammates at Scranton, reminding us all of the great Hughes-Kennedy wave of 2008. (Sarcasm alert for the cynically-impaired.)